SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m struggling with something that feels ugly to admit, but I need to be honest about where my head is at.

Since everything came out, one thought keeps looping and I can’t seem to shake it: my wife has had more sexual partners during our marriage than I’ve had in my entire life.

It’s not just the betrayal itself, as devastating as that is. It’s the sense of injustice and imbalance that’s eating at me. I lived inside the boundaries of what I thought our marriage was. I was loyal, consistent, and committed. Meanwhile, she was living a completely different reality without my knowledge or consent.

Now that I know, I feel like I’ve been playing by rules that only applied to me.

I hate how much this bothers me, because I know keeping score doesn’t fix anything. But it doesn’t feel like "scorekeeping" so much as trying to reconcile two completely different versions of the same marriage. It feels fundamentally unfair in a way that’s hard to articulate without sounding bitter and angry, and to be fair I suppose I am both bitter and angry.

What I’m noticing in myself is this creeping resentment. Not just about what she did, but about what I didn’t do, not because I didn’t have the chance, but because I chose not to. And now that choice feels almost foolish? Naive? Like I upheld something that wasn’t real.

I don’t want to become someone who is consumed by resentment or comparisons. I don’t want this to harden me long-term. But right now, I can feel that direction pulling at me. What is making this harder is the fact that I am getting FAR more attention from the opposite sex than I have ever noticed before. I don't know if I am somehow putting myself out there as available, or if subconsiously women are seeing me differently? Possibly I have always received this attention and just never allowed myself to see it.

For those who’ve dealt with similar thoughts:

1) How did you process the sense of unfairness without it turning into permanent resentment?
2) How do you make peace with the fact that your reality and your partner’s reality were so drastically different?
3) Is this something that fades with time, or does it require actively reframing how you see the situation?
4) Is this something I should explore before R by dating others?

I’m not looking to justify revenge or level the playing field. I’m trying to figure out how to let go of this specific piece, the imbalance, because it feels like one of the biggest things keeping me stuck.

Appreciate any perspective from people who’ve been here.

Gemmy, I've been following your story since you arrived here. Before I answer your questions, I just want to say that you're one of the most articulate and self-aware members I've ever encountered on SI.

I'll be honest here. Generally speaking, I'm neither pro-R nor pro-D. My goal is always to help people find their own way forward and to find peace, whichever road they choose to take.

In your situation, I honestly didn't have much hope for reconciliation. I could be wrong, of course. Maybe you can get there. It's just that to me, it seems that your WW has some very serious issues. What she's done, how she's treated you and your marriage, seem insurmountable.

I know that's probably not what you want to read, that you're still hoping for a different future. And again, maybe it is possible for you two.

I know that I don't have to tell you this... having a "revenge affair" will only make your situation worse.

Are women seeing you differently? Probably. I think it's a combination of giving off different vibes and being more sensitive to theirs. I went through something similar for a while. I could have easily followed through in a few situations. The only reason I didn't was because I knew that I had to remain true to myself no matter what the circumstances or how alluring the temptation.

Regardless of the road you choose to take, know that this feeling of injustice never goes away. There is no justification for infidelity. None. Zero. Zilch-nada.

What I’m noticing in myself is this creeping resentment. Not just about what she did, but about what I didn’t do, not because I didn’t have the chance, but because I chose not to. And now that choice feels almost foolish? Naive? Like I upheld something that wasn’t real.

Don't go there, friend. None of this is your fault. I understand your thoughts and feelings here. Been there and done that shit. And I'm certainly not trying to dismiss or minimize those thoughts and feelings. But I would suggest that you reframe them a bit.

There is absolutely nothing inherently wrong, foolish or naive in being an honorable man who chooses to see the better angels of human nature.

Gemmy,

I'm 4 years out from Dday and my wife's 15-year LTA and we are rebuilding and reconciling. Those feelings of unfairness and resentment will settle in very strong after discovery but they will fade over time. But infidelity is serious trama and it will always be there and pop up from time to time.I have done extensive research on infidelity from both point of views to try and understand and make sense of it all. But as my emotions were overwhelming me I just couldn't get over how unfair this whole situation was and I resented that my wife was so much different with her affair partner than she ever was with me. Over time I came to the conclusion that there is so much of our life we can control and that there is nothing fair about infidelity. The anger and resentment is still there but it does not consume me. Marriage is as strong as its weakest link and my wife own's that title. To answer your question about how different our lives (reality) was. I thought I knew everything about her since we have been together for over 40 years but obviously she kept a lot of herself hidden inside of her. We cannot control our spouses thinking and we cannot meet 100% of there needs. My wife refused to address her inner turmoil which led to her making bad choices in life. Over time I looked back less and less and accepted the unfairness and started moving forward and living in the present. Don't be a prisoner of the past. Work on yourself and keep moving forward. All of this infidelity bullshit will fade but you never really forget it. I've walked in your shoes and I'm wounded but I am stronger!

Lost1313

I really appreciate you taking the time to write that out, and I want to clarify something because I may not have expressed it well in my original post. I have always expressed myself far better in word rather than speech. Teachers used to be convinced I was cheating in class due to the vast variance between the two, so thank you for the compliments (though self aware may be a stretch at this point in time)

I’m not considering a revenge affair, and I won’t be going down that road, if I were to "date" it would be known and under separation situations with no sex. That’s not who I am. If anything, what I’m struggling with is the feeling that comes from the imbalance—not a desire to "correct" it through my own behavior.

I don’t regret staying faithful. I don’t regret the choices I made during the marriage. I stood inside what I believed were the boundaries, and I honored them. That still matters to me. If I crossed that line now, it wouldn’t restore anything, it would just mean I walked away from my own principles. And at that point, I’d be adding self-betrayal on top of everything else to which I am not "okay" with.

What’s been hard is that strange mental twist where doing the right thing starts to feel foolish in hindsight, simply because it wasn’t reciprocated. That’s the part I’m trying to work through. Not because I want to change who I am, but because I don’t want resentment to distort how I see my own integrity, I never want to be the kind of man or father that feels weak by living with integrity.

So I do hear what you’re saying about staying true to yourself, that actually resonates a lot. I think I just need to get to a place where I can see my choices as strength again, not something that left me at a disadvantage.

Appreciate your perspective, especially the honesty about how that sense of injustice lingers. That part helps me set more realistic expectations about what this process actually looks like.

1) How did you process the sense of unfairness without it turning into permanent resentment?

Betrayal changed the way I see people, and life. I was building a life, saving and deferring my own enjoyments for the long term good. And my then wife was going on twice yearly girls vacations from her SAHW gig (all the kids in school, her no job) and screwing POSOM on the side. I am never going back into that mode. But I don’t see it as resentment, it’s freedom. I don’t feel shame anymore for pursuing what I want. I have motorcycles now and tattoos. I am still preparing for my future, and my children’s future, but I’m balancing it with enjoying life now. Choose yourself. Much better than resentment.

2) How do you make peace with the fact that your reality and your partner’s reality were so drastically different?

Stop trying to understand her reality. She has chosen insanity and villianry. There is nothing there for you to understand, just vapor in the wind. Find peace in the firm foundation of your own convictions and virtues. If there is ever to be a reconciliation, it is on her to make her self known and understood. You will just spin and go crazy trying to make sense of the senseless.

3) Is this something that fades with time, or does it require actively reframing how you see the situation?

If you read here long enough, you will notice many many people coming back 5, 10, 20+ years later saying D-day feels like yesterday. Time does not heal this wound if it is not treated well. If treated well, then time becomes your ally and the pain decays.

4) Is this something I should explore before R by dating others?

I wouldn’t personally recommend this as an obvious solution to what you are feeling with the goal of reconciling with your wife. But back to the first point, if this is what you want to do, then do it. The marriage is destroyed, you aren’t bound to broken vows, IMHO.

The only thing I would say on top of this is that you do need to be the sane one for your kids. Not to say that you can’t model loving yourself as a way to be a good father. But their lives are upended too, and you are their best shot at some stability, you clearly can’t count on her. I recommend you find a balance of choosing yourself and your children, whatever that looks like to you.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 3:23 PM, Tuesday, May 5th]

I think I just need to get to a place where I can see my choices as strength again, not something that left me at a disadvantage.

Completely and totally understandable. Vulnerability is not a weakness; it's strength.

Check out Brene Brown. She has a few TED talks on YouTube. I've read two of her books: "The Gifts of Imperfection," and "Rising Strong." Good stuff from start to finish.

(though self aware may be a stretch at this point in time)

Yeah. I think most of us simply lack the necessary experience and tools to navigate through the shitstorm, so we end up questioning ourselves in ways that are wholly unfamiliar.

Doing the right thing should never be looked on as foolish.

Gemmy can I give a different angle about this?

Sex in the holistic sense it is the physical manifestation of an emotional connection.

Our culture messed this up big time, reframing sex as the physical stimulation only, wether intercourse or other kind.

It’s messed up because it misses the picture big time. Would be like painting love as holding hands.

Onanism, intercourse, etc are sexual practices but they are not necessarily sex.
I doubt you’ll consider masturbation sex.
But if you think about it, it can be when is part of a bigger experience and the connection between 2 partners.

See the fine line? Is not difficult, but our understanding is warped by our own cultural conditioning.

Your woman had intercourse with other men. No matter how disgusting the thought of that is (because she was cheating on you) , that’s not different from masturbation.

Are they sexual encounters because they implied sexual activity? Yes.
Was there a connection? Unlikely, a cheater has really hard time in creating a real connection is Al selfish. A kind of selfish masturbation utilizing another person instead of a toy to realize a fantasy.

Brain chemistry and physical stimulation at mimic emotions and connections but is an illusion, no matter what you do.

Is more correct to indicate what she did with the more accurate and selfish words to indicate this kind of interaction: she f***d or screwed, it’s sexual it’s intercourse, but is not sex nor love.

Completely selfish with a breathing dildo, and she has been used as a sex doll by these guys (completely natural you want to vomit too). Also completely transactional.

Of course this might imply she treated you the same so she never had sex with you because she never truly connected (or maybe she did, you only can feel that).

You on the other hand seem capable of a connection so you likely did have, maybe more than her. You might have made even love, which is even a deeper form of sex.

Is not philosophy, it is a brutal perspective on what is immature and what is mature.
The sex as we intend in our mainstream cultural vibe, is not sex is more akin to masturbation and porn, that’s also why so many people have issues with it. It’s a performance more than a becoming.

Gemmy

Maybe try to not view the number of sexual partners as something desirable or positive.
Try to view it as comparing who has drowned the greatest number of kittens, or who has beat the most number of old women outside church on Sunday. It’s not something that should be viewed as a desirable achievement.

Personally I feel immense personal satisfaction in a couple of statements that I can make about my life:
I have never sexually cheated. To the best of my knowledge none of the sexual partners I have had were in a relationship.
I have been faithful to my wife from the day we met.

I have shared the story several times about the man that cheated me out of my potentially financially sound startup software company. Short version is that this guy invested in us and took over the role as CEO and CFO. He had already made a small fortune in another venture. He managed to embezzle both our funds and intellectual property in such a way that our only option was to close our doors.
Every morning for the next 2 years I would leave my small semi-basement rental apartment and wait at the curb for my ride to work (we couldn’t afford 2 cars). I would look over the bay and see his house with his fancy Audi and think "that fu##ng co$$$ucker… If I could get my hands on him…" and then my coworker would swing by and pick me up. One day he asked me "Bigger – you are usually so jovial and positive – how come you are ALWAYS grumpy the first five minutes after I pick you up?" and I realized I was allowing my anger and resentment to that guy live rent-free in my brain, and cause negativity in my mind. Something he was definitely 100% not doing.
So next morning I looked intentionally over the bay at his house and thought "poor guy. Sold his honor, his integrity and his pride for a few bucks. I pity him".
Pity is IMHO an emotion that quickly turns negative. Someone that decides to be in or live in pitiful conditions is someone you don’t respect or think much of.

Maybe try to view the number of her sexual partners the same way: Instead of thinking she had 5 and I had 1 (or whatever the tally is) then think:
"I’m so grateful that I only have HER as my sole sexual partner since I gave my word. I’m glad I don’t have to carry that cross"

Great question and something that I think many of us struggle with.

I'm with Ink as far as not trying to understand her reality. That - plus reaffirming your choices as strenghts - is what helped me. In my case WXH's serial affairs came out into the open in a way that meant everyone from our kids to neighbors to people in the community knew about it. That actually gave me a lot of positive energy, with people letting me know how much they admired my actions, the way I carried myself through a difficult experience, etc. It takes time, but as others have said, the resentment fades over time.

FWIW, the "new" resentment that pops up for me every now and then - 18 months after the last DDay and a year after the D was finalized - is about the injustice of it all. While my kids and I have no contact with WXH, every now and then someone will mention him in passing to me, and sometimes that is still triggering. On the surface, he's living his best life with a new girlfriend, expensive vacations, a new home, the summer cottage, etc. (funded by the spousal support that I pay...grrrr), and it can feel supremely unfair.

I know, however, that this is all superficial. He's still the same person on the inside, having done zero work to address the things that drove him to cheat. If he's with a new girlfriend, he's bringing all of the same issues into that relationship. I've heard through mutual acquaintances that he is still an angry person and carrying around a victim mentality. And our kids still want nothing to do with him. So he's not getting away with murder, so to speak, but sometimes I have to work hard to remind myself of that - and you may have to put some effort into reminding yourself as well.

1) How did you process the sense of unfairness without it turning into permanent resentment?

2) How do you make peace with the fact that your reality and your partner’s reality were so drastically different?

3) Is this something that fades with time, or does it require actively reframing how you see the situation?

4) Is this something I should explore before R by dating others?

Some people say that resentment is anger turned in against oneself, or something like that. I agree. So when I feel myself growing resentful, I bring it up as anger. If you're going to R, your WS needs to accept the whole you, including your feelings. IMO, it's best to test a WS early and often. You're angry because of her number, especially her post-M number, so tell her.

I accepted the unfairness. There's no way, IMO, to restore balance. If you R, you have to let your WS get away with less punishment than they deserve. But ... the only legitimate punishment is D available to a BS, and that doesn't achieve balance. Even if you D, your WS got away with their As, and you have to give up the partner you once loved.

So I just put fairness aside, like: into the trash. Fairness is just not a hill on which I'll fight any battles.

*****

Anger fades with time if you attend to it, as Unhinged stated. I'll amplify a bit.

I was taught that anger is a sign to oneself that something is going on in one's life that one doesn't like. I was also taught to distinguish 2 types of anger: 1) anger that you can do something about, and 2) anger that you can't do anything about.

If you can do something to resolve the anger, it's up to you to do it. Raise the issue. See if you can get it resolved.

If you can't do anything about the source of your anger, give it up. Nurture yourself out of anger and into equanimity or ???

You can't do anything about the fact that your WS cheated. You can decide how you'll respond to your new sitch. My reco is to process the anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. out of your body, to figure out if you still want your WS, and to follow your bliss.

That's not easy, because you have to take yourself apart and put yourself back together, but it's very rewarding.

*****

I wouldn't date while married. I'd wait until the D was final. Dating never told me much about a person. Dating won't tell anyone if a specific date is a better or worse fit. Even the deepest dating connection is nothing compared to years of being together, IMO.

My reco is to decide between R & D, even though that's going to take some time, time that you might be afraid you can't spare. Th trouble is that there are no shortcuts. Healing takes time. R takes time. D takes time. Finding a partner takes time.

Professionally, I was an IT consultant. For clients, I focused on goals, where they were, where they wanted to be, and how to get from one place to the other. I always had to consider the question, 'How will I know how the project is doing?'

So I thought about requirements for R and the key performance indicators. I kaid them out and got my W's buy-in. She said she wanted to R, and she met pretty rigorous requirements. If she hadn't, I think I'd have dumped her.

Some of my requirements were very scary. I had to know if her A was a rejection of me, and the only way I could find that out was to ask if she loved me and if she was in love with me, because I didn't want to be M to someone who didn't.

I had to put my self on the line. As is said, I had to risk the M, and myself, to save the M, and myself.

I'd have been devastated if my W had been unwilling to meet my requirements - but, boy, that seems so much better than finding out years later that I was unhappy because I had left a critical question unasked or a critical concern unaddressed.

Courage, Gemmy. Courage. Patience, too. Honesty, too. (Now, what did I forget?) It's all very simple....

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:14 PM, Tuesday, May 5th]

Honestly, the only way you can make it anything close to being "fair" is for you to add up all the time she has stayed unfaithful and then tell her since she put you in a one sided open relationship for that long, the tables are now turned and you go have a one sided open relationship for that same amount of time.
Obviously that isn’t what you want. And I guess I have to say your wife is a real idiot for not recognizing what she was able to land in marrying you.
It is really important for you to realize all that she did had nothing to do with you or anything you did or did not do. I’m not sure if you’re there yet, maybe you are.