SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all,
Yearlong lurker, first time poster.
 
I won’t get into all the details of my story since it’s a wild ride, but in short D-Day was almost a year ago. I (34F) discovered that my WH (41M) had been having an EA with a coworker. The affair been going on for 8 months. The fallout of D-Day led to the additional discovery of multiple instances of online infidelity throughout the course of our almost 5-year marriage, but that’s too much to get into with one post.
 
WH cut all ties with AP after discovery, and we’re working to rebuild our marriage. For his part he has actively worked to pursue and drive reconciliation efforts (individual & couples’ therapy, disclosure to trusted family & friends for accountability, full access to all accounts, phone, etc.) and is remorseful, but everything has been hard for me to navigate emotionally. There is one hurdle we’re trying to navigate now that has proved especially difficult for me.
 
WH has always dreamed of being a pilot. Ever since he was a child. His family has a strong aviation background, so he grew up around planes and people who love planes. This dream is something we’ve discussed since the early days of our relationship/marriage (before AP entered the picture), but he never had the opportunity to pursue.
 
Apart from being his coworker, AP is currently a student pilot – so this shared passion for aviation is one of the things they bonded over. She even promised to help teach him how to fly.
 
Recently he’s renewed focus on trying to pursue a career as a pilot. He states part of this is a desire to reclaim aspects of himself that he loved before he shared them with AP and they were "tainted" by the affair, but another large part is due to extreme discontent in his current workplace and a drive for a more fruitful career. And time is running out the older he gets to realize this dream. I want to be supportive since I know this is something he’s always strived for, but I have some understandable trepidation about him pursuing this now given the connection with AP.
 
I don’t know fully what the odds are that they’ll run into each other – we’re in a tristate metro area with a huge aviation focus, and her school is not in our state. He is actively avoiding areas she had discussed with him to minimize the risk of bumping into each other, and bringing me along when possible. I guess I’m more concerned with the lingering memories, connection, etc. and what actively placing himself in a situation that reminds him of her means.
 
I know that ultimately I have no control over that, and I’m trying to just let him show me with his actions what he’s capable of doing in regards to rebuilding our marriage. The struggle I’m facing is more with me personally feeling like an unsupportive spouse because of my hesitation and connections this has with AP.
 
Any thoughts on how to navigate this? Am I being blind (again) and ignoring a giant red flag in him choosing to pursue a career in flying now? Or am I overreacting due to fear?
 
Thanks for your time & support.

This might not be directly on topic but here goes…

I don’t think there are many careers with a lower return on investment than a commercial pilot. To even make the cut of being eligible for the next step you need hours and hours of fly-time simply to get the basic pilot license, and then more hours to get the next stage, the next stage and the next stage before even being eligible for a professional license. By the time you can even apply for an interview for a paid job as a pilot you are heavily financially invested, and all the young pilots in their early thirties, right out of the military with glowing recommendations and proven training will be ahead of your husband. And that’s for the small commercial town-hopping routes.
The glamorous fly-to-distant-destinations jobs… once you graduated with your engineering degree while getting your pilots license, did your time in the Air Force, maybe a couple of years lake-jumping in Alaska and then a couple of years on the minor routes with Delta/AA/JetBlue as co-pilot before being selected for 6 months training in simulators and THEN advancing to the Big Planes – as copilot.
At 40… your hubby will be all of 45 or so before he can even start looking at a career hauling freight between villages in some remote destination. If he get’s hired ahead of all the younger pilots…
Frankly – It’s like if I at 60+ were to rekindle my teenage-dream of becoming a world-renowned rock drummer.

I think your husband needs a dose of reality…
Maybe a career that is involved with the aerospace industry, or a private pilots license for personal enjoyment… Or maybe just MS Flight Simulator…

On the infidelity side:
Yes – he could meet her again if he rekindles his pilot-fantasy. But seeing as how she’s a co-wprker and for all I know they still work together… then if he wanted this to start again he could anyways.

I think his time and your marital money would probably be better spent with IC where he works on why he’s so unsecure and therefore unhappy with his life’s trajectory.

I agree that if they're still co workers I'd be far more concerned about that than the chance of them bumping into each other in the aviation world.

Right now I think he should be more focused on your marriage than majorly switching gears and pursuing a career with the kind of time investment that commercial piloting involves at 40 years old.

I’m not weighing in on his career. That is between the two of you to decide. But remember we all had dreams as a younger self of our career paths - some were lucky enough to achieve it and others had to let it go for one reason or another.

At 5 I wanted to be a ballerina. At 10 I wanted to be a dancer in Broadway shows. I had no talent for this. By 18 I really wanted to be a journalist/sportswriter lol. I had talent but didn’t want to be scrambling for work. I ended up in a very rewarding field and l am thankful for that.

As far as the OW, IMO it’s not the known OW you need to worry about. Often when it’s over it’s over. However it’s the unknown in your H that triggers these things like EAs that should be your concern.

And honestly you should not be concerned about supporting him right now. You need to be in the driver’s seat of your future and life as a couple and setting expectations of your future together.

Now is not the time for him to undertake a major career change while your marriage is hanging by a thread so to speak.

Again just my opinion but he can certainly get a pilot’s license for pleasure only. That should satisfy some of his passion.

Thank you all for your responses. To clarify a few things:

WH and AP are no longer coworkers. After D-Day, WH went NC and switched to an opposite shift to ensure there’d be no interaction with AP during the workday. AP quit shortly after and who knows what her situation is now – she could have even dropped out of flight school for all I know.

Bigger, I really appreciate the insight you have into flight as a career and I realize I should have clarified a bit in my original post... The plan right now isn’t necessarily to pursue commercial flight. We’ve discussed the high risk/low return nature of flight school as well as his career chances once he’s actually done, so the plan is to start slowly by pursuing a private pilot’s license first and see where that can take him career-wise (even if it’s just side gig stuff). The primary goal is to get him up in the air and if he can somehow build a career from that or from the connections he makes through school, that would be ideal (even side gig work potentially). If not, we pursue this as far as funds & mental health allow.

WH is also currently in IC (as am I).

Just wanted to provide a bit more color on those few points.

As an ex USN Aviation - serviceman - I double-second Biggers notes on becoming a commercial pilot.
I've known personally a couple of commercial pilots. More than half are dissatisfied with their jobs.

Best option I think is to have him research what a career path will look like if he tries to become a $$ earning pilot.

Next option - still pricey - WAY more than owning a boat. There are airplanes not so expensive for sale - you can search on-line to see. However, they will all be the smallest of airplanes, non-acrobatic, and - BIG and - there is very little a pilot can do in maintaining his airplane as FAA requires LICENSED mechanics do all work (other than check air in tires and clean windshields) to be performed. Also, airplanes are maintained on a TIME and landing/take-off/time flying schedule. So, go look at the prices for mandatory stuff that has to be done. Periodic inspections, check. Certain very important parts swapped out due to time/use limit reached, check. And the Biggee - engine overhaul.

Only people Like our President can afford a big, nice airplane.

He could opt to get a private license - again, mandatory training rules ($$) and just RENT an airplane when he gets a hankering to flit around in the sky. Cessna 172 (one of the most durable, safe small airplanes) rents for around a couple $hundred - per HOUR.

I think you need to pay close attention to bigger, but I am going to encourage your husband to look at it as a hobby. It’s expensive as all get out, but it is pleasurable. On the other hand if he gets a plane, he’d better know how to look after it because there are too many small plane crashes in the United States and it’s because of poor mechanical care. I do know what man that I worked with that had a relatively poor paying government job, but he was in his 30s and started flying in his off hours. To be honest, I don’t know if he had a plane, but I know that he flew every weekend so he must’ve spent every penny he had. Eventually, he got good enough and applied to fly government bigwigs around and that’s how he was able to eventually retire from his small job and just be a pilot for the state we live in. He loved it. I assume he’s still doing it. I have not seen him in years. I’m going to mention planes like I do boats. Boats are a big hole in the water that you pour money into and planes are pretty much the same. Your husband needs to sit down and look at the financial part of things. I suggest he just take lessons. If they allow him some of the controls eventually then he might get real pleasure from that without sinking every penny, you have into something that will not pay off.

Thanks all. Appreciate your perspectives on my situation and how to approach & handle everything. Sounds like WH and I may need to have some further alignment/clarification on his plans to pursue this, and I need to take a step back and shift some of my focus back to me.

Muddy waters are difficult to wade in, but ya'll have made it a little easier. Glad I finally decided to post and seek some more support for myself!

Nope.

Just no.

He cheated and he gets to have a go at chasing his dreams?, absolutely not!.

What are your dreams?, what do you want to do?

Maybe one reason I was so… negative… about the piloting career is that I just had my house painted by a great, reliable and successful commercial painter… who WAS a commercial pilot.
He made it through the early ranks and worked for some time on a small charter servicing big industry. Flying repair crews and spare-parts to remote areas. Only… after a couple of years and a few interviews with the big companies he realized that he wouldn’t make the cut to fly commercial jets long-distance. Got tired of working minimum wage so he took over his dad’s commercial painting company.
I’m guessing from what I paid him he can have someone else fly him to some sunny destination…

I’m fine with your husband getting his private license. I would be fine with 1stWife getting a tutu too. To each his own.

But make sure it’s not at the cost of some extra hardship for the family. Like… he might have to take a longer period to qualify simply because the marital money needs to be prioritized to food, savings, pension…
I’m an avid fly-fisher. I could spend thousands on a single rod, or go to Alaska for a guided fishing tour. Yet I don’t. I can’t fit it into the budget of "this is for the family, this is for me and wife as a couple, and this is for ME". His hobby needs to fit the budget of "this is for ME".

Voice your concerns to him.
Let him know that you are happy for him to have passion for something but you fear he might fall for her again, or some other woman with a shared passion. Maybe you two find something you both are passionate about and focus some time on that.

I’m not going to focus specifically on his dream to be a pilot. My take is that WS’s are often very unhappy with themselves and their perception of their reality. This is part of what sends them looking elsewhere for external validation and "happiness." They are deeply unhappy with themselves and rather than work on their big issues, they look for something else to make them happy. If I only had a pilot’s license, if I only had someone who "made" me happy, etc.

Gently, you glossed over the fact that he’s had multiple "minor" infidelities as well as the current one. I urge you to not think about his childhood dream and his desire to focus on it now as different from his tendency to chase what he doesn’t currently have. As others have pointed out, this is not the time for him to be chasing his dreams, whatever they may be. This is a time when his sole focus should be on the destruction and pain and harm to others that he’s caused.

His BIG educational and developmental project right now should be figuring out his shit and becoming a decent spouse and partner and parent. Period. This is not a small job. It is huge. Figuring out how to be an honest and caring partner is a huge challenge for most waywards. He may be really remorseful right now, but waywards always—always—need to really dig deep into the lifelong tendencies and thought patterns and behaviors that have led them to pursue affairs. His refocus on piloting right now is, regardless of how long he’s been interested in it, a way to distract him and chase the next happy pill. If I only had my pilot’s license, I’d finally be happier. . .

What I want to say is that I sense a small amount of pick me in your response to his desire. We often as betrayeds think, wow, how unhappy he must have been to be doing this. How can I make him happier with his reality and our marriage? We turn our attention to fixing EVERY problem and getting things back on track. If he’s so unhappy, how can I help him get what he wants so he won’t look for it elsewhere?

I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but really, sweet sister, the last thing you should be worried right now is how HE can be happy and reach his dreams. It’s a distraction for you to the healing that you need to be doing. It’s also a distraction for him of doing the real work and education that he needs to do. It’s also a distraction from what should be the focus: what he’s done to you, how and what he needs to do to support your healing, and how he became a person who can cheat and lie to his spouse.

So I’ll be a wet blanket and say, no dream-chasing for him right now. Both of you need to be firmly focused on reality and the now. Becoming a pilot won’t make him happy until he has figured out what’s broken inside him and address his own internal, intrinsic validation and happiness with who he is. Until then, whatever he’s off chasing next will just be more of the same.

My two cents for what it’s worth. I’m so sorry that you’re here and going through this. It is the worst.

I would be fine with 1stWife getting a tutu too.

ROFLMAO. Thank you for my laugh of the day.

A woman in my church was a professional ballerina for many years. She was very talented and danced as long as she could.

I’ll stick to dancing to some good dance music at the local bar.

Thanks for the encouragement lol

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:54 PM, Wednesday, April 8th]