A red flag or fear taking hold? Looking for insight on how to navigate this.
Hi all,
Yearlong lurker, first time poster.
I won’t get into all the details of my story since it’s a wild ride, but in short D-Day was almost a year ago. I (34F) discovered that my WH (41M) had been having an EA with a coworker. The affair been going on for 8 months. The fallout of D-Day led to the additional discovery of multiple instances of online infidelity throughout the course of our almost 5-year marriage, but that’s too much to get into with one post.
WH cut all ties with AP after discovery, and we’re working to rebuild our marriage. For his part he has actively worked to pursue and drive reconciliation efforts (individual & couples’ therapy, disclosure to trusted family & friends for accountability, full access to all accounts, phone, etc.) and is remorseful, but everything has been hard for me to navigate emotionally. There is one hurdle we’re trying to navigate now that has proved especially difficult for me.
WH has always dreamed of being a pilot. Ever since he was a child. His family has a strong aviation background, so he grew up around planes and people who love planes. This dream is something we’ve discussed since the early days of our relationship/marriage (before AP entered the picture), but he never had the opportunity to pursue.
Apart from being his coworker, AP is currently a student pilot – so this shared passion for aviation is one of the things they bonded over. She even promised to help teach him how to fly.
Recently he’s renewed focus on trying to pursue a career as a pilot. He states part of this is a desire to reclaim aspects of himself that he loved before he shared them with AP and they were "tainted" by the affair, but another large part is due to extreme discontent in his current workplace and a drive for a more fruitful career. And time is running out the older he gets to realize this dream. I want to be supportive since I know this is something he’s always strived for, but I have some understandable trepidation about him pursuing this now given the connection with AP.
I don’t know fully what the odds are that they’ll run into each other – we’re in a tristate metro area with a huge aviation focus, and her school is not in our state. He is actively avoiding areas she had discussed with him to minimize the risk of bumping into each other, and bringing me along when possible. I guess I’m more concerned with the lingering memories, connection, etc. and what actively placing himself in a situation that reminds him of her means.
I know that ultimately I have no control over that, and I’m trying to just let him show me with his actions what he’s capable of doing in regards to rebuilding our marriage. The struggle I’m facing is more with me personally feeling like an unsupportive spouse because of my hesitation and connections this has with AP.
Any thoughts on how to navigate this? Am I being blind (again) and ignoring a giant red flag in him choosing to pursue a career in flying now? Or am I overreacting due to fear?
Thanks for your time & support.
11 comments posted: Friday, April 10th, 2026
