SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I never thought I would be posting here.

We were together for 20 years. We moved eight times. Three children (5, 7, 10). A house we built. A life that, from the outside, looked stable and successful. We are both accomplished runners. Our kids are amazing, nice, friendly, confident.

I was always highly invested in my family. Demanding, yes — but mostly toward myself. When our first two children were born, my wife stayed home and we lived abroad in Germany for three years. I made a point of coming home early every day. Even though she was on parental leave, I told her I should still carry more of the household load. I did bedtime, parks, baths, meals. In Bavaria, fathers being deeply involved is normal. We were a team.

We came back to France in 2018. In 2020, during COVID, our third child was born while we were building a house in a small village near the Vosges mountains.

That’s when things became very hard.

Our youngest had severe allergies, eczema, wouldn’t eat, didn’t gain weight, had intense night terrors. We were exhausted beyond what I had ever known. Truly exhausted. I kept telling myself: this is a phase. We just need to survive it.

If my wife said she couldn’t do evening chores anymore, I did everything. Cooking, cleaning, night wakings, mornings. I thought if I carried more, she would recover.

Meanwhile, the couple slowly disappeared.

I still desired her. I told her she was beautiful. I initiated intimacy. But emotionally, something was fading.

When Silence Starts

She went back to work part-time as a teacher. I took on even more at home.

The emotional distance didn’t explode. It installed itself quietly. That’s what makes you crazy. Nothing dramatic happens. But you feel something is wrong. You feel invisible. When you try to repair it, you’re told "everything is fine."

I started becoming irritable. Not abusive. Not violent. Just tense. I would comment when something she did would cost me more time or organization. I felt alone in responsibility.

Then she got transferred to the elementary school in our own village.

She became very close with her colleagues. I encouraged it. I hoped it would help her breathe and rediscover herself — and that it would benefit our home life.

That’s when he entered the picture.

The Principal

One colleague in particular. The school principal. Also the teacher of my children.

They started running together. Spending long days at school. Messaging constantly. He was married at first.

Then he became single.

That’s when my body knew.

But my mind refused.

The phone was always hidden. The social circle closed to me. I wasn’t welcome at gatherings. The answers were always "you’re imagining things" or "you’re controlling." If I suggested we spend more time as a couple, it became an accusation against me.

I couldn’t conceive of adultery. It simply did not exist in my internal map of reality. My wife? The mother of my three children? No.

So I stayed in denial.

The Separation

After 18 chaotic months — during which I was basically functioning as a single parent while she was emotionally absent — she told me she wanted to live alone.

I collapsed internally.

I thought: if she prefers being alone over being with me, I must be a terrible person.

And yet I respected her decision.

I even organized a symbolic separation day. After 20 years together, we cycled 70 km, had dinner at a restaurant, and agreed that when we came home, we would be separated. She said she needed to think.

I still believed I could show her we could be happy again. That it was my role to fix things.

What I didn’t know: she was already living a parallel life.

The Anonymous Letter

Then I received this in my mailbox:

2026 bring more light and justice.

Open your eyes. Your wife is openly cheating on you.

The mother of three children — shameful.

The principal and the teacher.

Months now. Many people here know.

It’s up to you what you do.

That’s how I found out.

Not from her.

From an anonymous letter.

And suddenly, every piece aligned.

The running. The secrecy. The emotional coldness. The "you’re controlling." The distancing. The nights she was "working late."

She had been in a year-long affair with the principal of my children’s school. In our village. In front of colleagues. In front of parents. Many people knew.

Everyone except me.

The Humiliation

I still have to take my children to that school.

I still have to walk past him.

I see teachers who knew. Parents who look at me with pity. A friend from my sports club casually told me his wife (a teacher in another school) said "everyone knows about that story."

Everyone knew.

Except me.

The humiliation is heavy.

But the hardest part is not my pride.

It’s the children.

They didn’t deserve this environment. They didn’t deserve whispers. They didn’t deserve their mother entangling herself with the principal of their school.

Every night I tell them I love them. I protect their self-esteem. I try to create stability.

The Confrontation

For three months after the letter, I said nothing. I wanted the divorce process to move forward without obstruction.

Eventually, I confronted her.

She lied first. Called it rumors. Then admitted they were "seeing each other" but only after the separation. Then admitted it had started long before.

No tears. No apology. No visible remorse.

In her version, she "wasn’t free," "needed to live something else," and somehow I was responsible for the emotional climate that led her there.

The narrative was already written.

The Aftermath

For 18 months I carried everything believing I was helping her breathe.

Then I believed I was a bad husband.

Then I believed she just wanted to be alone.

Then I believed maybe we could reconcile.

All while she was sleeping at his place.

My loyalty became a prison. My empathy became self-erasure. My fear of being a "bad man" chained me into silence.

The dream of a united family collapsed.

It’s the first real failure of my life.

And I’ve had to revisit 20 years of history and ask myself whether I projected my own values onto someone who did not share them.

Today

I truly loved her. Even during the hardest moments, leaving her was never an option in my mind. I wanted my children to grow up in a family, with both of their parents present. When all of this happened, I thought that if it was happening to me, I must somehow deserve it — that I must be a bad person.

I go to therapy regularly.

I talk openly with friends and family.

I have waves. But I am functioning. I am rebuilding.

The divorce signature is approaching.

For the first time in two years, I am beginning to believe that I am not the villain of this story.

And writing that still makes me cry.

[This message edited by MountainsAndTears at 9:25 AM, Saturday, February 28th]

Listen carefully,

You are not the villain of the story because you were never given the choice. period.

It was her choice to betray, her choice to lie, he choice to put her family in this mess.

You had no agency at all, you stayed loyal to her, she replaced with a guy who has zero problem in screwing a wife with kids (and a subordinate) for his pleasure. No morals, no if, not even giving a fuck to putting her in this situation (aka he does not give 2 shits about her too)

In short a piece of shit.
And she is in the same league.

Is not the BS fault, is always the WS.

Can I call her bullshit out right away?

If she was truly so unhappy with you and trapped as she said, she could have divorced you before sleeping with her principal.

She did not, it means she is perfectly fine in keeping you as backup and the AP as ego boost.
And to be used for this by the OM.

That's all there is to it. She is blaming you for her disgusting flaws.
No lady, is all on you.

You tried the pick me dance, she does not give a damn. Nobody ever does.

Read about the hard 180, prepare for Divorce, and rebuild your life and yourself right now. She is not worthy a minute more of your love. When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.

Now, if she realizes the kind of fuckup and wants to retrace her steps, you DO NOT have to give her another chance. Nobody deserves it.

If and only if, your still nourish feelings that is worth a try to Reconciliation, first of all she must show you undeniably that she is putting up the work to amend to the mess she caused, going to therapy (she needs it even more than you do), quitting thejob where she has the affair... then maybe, and only maybe, you might think to consider, if there is remorse and a complete 180 from her past behaviors.

She is not there yet.
Close all communications that are not essential to run the family. Ignore her like she is worthless of your attention. Build a life for yourself you can be proud of.

She will notice.

She will lose more than you in this, be assured, you will suffer now, she will have it for the rest of her life.

So sorry you are facing this tragedy of your stbxw's making. She has inflicted a terrible trauma on you and your children with her adulterous treason. Her actions are pure selfishness, narcissism, and I must say, evil. Its all on her and I pity her when the chickens come home to roost, and they will.

You have been and are grieving. Thats understandable. Its not just the loss of someone you thought you knew and loved, its the death of a dream.

But new dreams can come, and I am proof of that.

Continue your healing journey, day by day, step by step, it gets better with time and effort. The hurt never leaves but it does diminish and eventually morphs into something else. Like a fatal accident marker on the side of the road that you view from time to time as you mentally drive by.

Finally, I want to recommend that you read the book "No More Mr Nice Guy". You bent yourself into a pretzel trying to get your traitorous wife to return to you and it did nothing. You need to find your strength and worth again. Also read "The WayvOf The Superior Man".

Strength and healing to you.

Thank you for your comments. Yes, rationally I know it isn’t my fault, but the trauma, the waves, and her projections can still unsettle me at times.

The divorce will allow me to truly make the shift.

Thank you as well for the book recommendations. I’ll try to find them in French—psychology books are difficult for me in English.

Very sorry you find yourself here. Sending support. Time is your ally. You have suffered a real trauma and abuse. Focus on your healing. Your WW's behavior is very typical for a cheater. As you move further from your Dday, you will see it. The lies,deceit, the cold treatment, rewriting your marital history, and blameshifting are all standard fare in the cheaters handbook. Always value yourself. No contact or limited contact with your STBXWW is your friend. She will only try to hurt you. Become a gray rock. Do not argue or engage. Only finance or custody issues. Good luck

[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:05 PM, Saturday, February 28th]

Thank you as well for the book recommendations. I’ll try to find them in French—psychology books are difficult for me in English.

There’s a pdf of this floating around out there. Use AI to convert to French. Voila.

While you may feel embarrassed that people knew, you can only guess what they are saying.

I had a very good friend in your shoes. Everyone knew the spouse was cheating except her, her family and close friends.

The neighbors knew. His colleagues AND their spouses knew. Everyone knew. He flaunted it all over — but was careful enough that she never had a suspicion. He was never late or missing or unaccounted for. However his "overtime" at his job was his excuse to find time to cheat.

What came out of it was that people talked badly about him. The cheater. Not his unsuspecting wife. They didn’t look down on her or think she was stupid. They felt sad she was married to such a lying cheating jerk.

While you may look at it like your wife humiliated you, in actuality the gossip about her is NOT flattering.

It’s the first real failure of my life.

This is NOT your failure. You are not the villain.

Whenever we experience a trauma, our brains automatically try to figure out why it happened and how to avoid similar trauma in the future. Burn yourself on a hot stove, for instance, and your brain rewires itself to ensure that you don't do it again. When it comes to something like infidelity, however, it's not that simple. We still try to figure out why it happened to us. What did we do wrong, how could we have prevented it?

Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference at all.

You are not at fault.

Infidelity is self-destructive; we, the betrayed, are collateral damage.

Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference at all.

You are not at fault.

Infidelity is self-destructive; we, the betrayed, are collateral damage.

Yes, I agree, but even if my brain knows that, the feeling is not easy to erase.

While you may look at it like your wife humiliated you, in actuality the gossip about her is NOT flattering.

I agree too. The bad thing is that she is claiming everywhere that she was not free, especially to people who may be in contact with and speak to me but do not know me well (and who may not know about the cheating).

When people ask, "Why are you divorcing?", she will say, "Well, I was not free with him..."

It feels like a double punishment: she betrays me, but I have to prove that I am a good guy.

Of course, when people realize she was cheating, they usually change their minds. But she is excellent at telling stories that make her the victim.

Yes, I agree, but even if my brain knows that, the feeling is not easy to erase.

It's not easy to erase, that's true. Remember, it's not your fault. In over ten years on this site I have never been able to identify a single common trait that would lead me to believe that a BS deserved or warranted the betrayal of infidelity. Not one thing we all have in common, aside from marrying some capable of it.

But she is excellent at telling stories that make her the victim.

This is straight out of the "Cheater's Handbook." Most cheaters will attempt to justify infidelity with all sorts of screwball rationalizations, blaming their spouses, their marriages, rewriting the history of the marriage, convincing themselves that they are the victims. It's incredibly common.

But she is excellent at telling stories that make her the victim.

A cheater lies. They lie to their partner. They lie to the Affair Partner. They lie to others. They lie to themselves.

That's the issue behind cheating, that's why they end badly they are not normal relationships they are a symptom of deep unresolved issues.

Or else she would be single and look for someone who truly fits her.
Is not you, is not others, is her (and the AP, they usually match in dishonesty)

Do not worry about that, is super simple, if you hear some comments about, just point out the obvious: she fucks her boss while married and betraying her entire family.

She wants you to feel down, because she knows she is currently a very low value person, so che needs you broken to look better at the mirror.

If she can make it your fault in her head, she does not vomit when she sees her image.
Just refuse to play that game.

I cried while reading your post, I felt your pain, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can only offer empathy. I'm almost four years out, and I still think about it everyday. I've been in counseling since it happened, but I realize that it will never not be intrusive. It was simply too devastating to fade away. I've moved on, I've remarried, and my life is exponentially better, but that devastation will always be just under the surface.

I wish you all the best. It seems that you're a strong, empathetic, reflective, and rational person, and father. Please take care of yourself, and your family.

When people ask, "Why are you divorcing?", she will say, "Well, I was not free with him..."

I guess that is the commonly accepted state of married people or people in a monogamous relationship agreement. Nope. We are just not free to do things like have affairs. 🤷‍♀️ imagine that

And once I had children, I was generally not free to not be a parent either. 🤷‍♀️ Imagine that

Want to be "free" as a bird? Then don’t enter into monogamous relationship agreement and don’t choose to parent, but blaming others for one’s loss of freedom that one voluntarily gave up and benefitted from is just bad form.

None of us are perfect and parenting does change things. But villianizing the BS is such an active unrepentant WS thing to do. My exwh portrayed me as the wicked witch of the West. The fact that our entire marriage was a lie on his part from the very beginning and all of his subsequent lying and cheating notwithstanding…

Everyone’s mileage may vary. But the person who told you (and me) in essence gave us our agency back to decide if we wanted what our waywards were offering instead of being in one-way open relationship we did not know about or consent to.

As for how people view you (or me) for being the victim of very open very humiliating cheating. I say until it happens to them.

I am sorry this happened to you and I wish you much peace and healing.

I’m sorry you are having to face this situation. It is very difficult to understand the reason why people choose to cheat.

Cheaters will tell themselves anything and everything to justify their actions. Including blaming the betrayed.

I can remember like it was yesterday all the things my H told me as to "why" and how I was to blame. Devastated beyond words can best describe my feelings — having never heard half of these "complaints" before.

But here is what you need to know. And I can tell you this b/c I am 13 years from Dday.

It does get better. While it’s a slow healing process, it can get better. And it will if you believe in yourself.

You will go through the various stages of healing. Grief. Sadness. Anger and resentment. All of it.

But here is what you don’t know. Because you haven’t reached this phase yet. There will come a moment of clarity. You will realize that there was nothing you did or didn’t do that caused your wife to cheat.

Because you will see the cheater in a whole new perspective. And their choices and behaviors will no longer impact you. If you Divorce you may have no contact or limited contact if you have kids and need to co-parent. And you will start to see the former spouse in a whole new perspective.

Be kind to yourself right now. Just know that in 3 months from now, things will be better. Just have faith in yourself to know you will survive this.

We all do.

A cheater lies. They lie to their partner. They lie to the Affair Partner. They lie to others. They lie to themselves.

Exactly. She is incredibly clever at tailoring her lies to each person’s situation (to a woman who divorced because she was with a bad guy, she will say I am a bad guy too; to a mom who was unfaithful and who does not know me, she will say that being a free woman means having an affair, etc.). Even her parents told me, "she is lying all the time, it is annoying."

I am confident that time will do its work, and those who are not stupid will see it.

I'm almost four years out, and I still think about it everyday.

Yes, I can understand this now. And I thank you for your kind words.

I am sorry this happened to you and I wish you much peace and healing.

Thanks.

If you Divorce you may have no contact or limited contact if you have kids and need to co-parent. And you will start to see the former spouse in a whole new perspective.

Yes, I am looking forward to the divorce for that reason. Currently, I see her every day, and this cohabitation is getting worse every day for my nervous system. Once we are divorced, things will get much better.

Sorry you had to join us.

First of all – the Principal/Teacher scenario is bordering on stereotypical. Maybe only beat by the Doctor/Nurse scenario. I don’t think you really have to worry too much about what others see or think. As an ex-cop... it’s about as "normal" as expecting to see a cop-car outside a donut-store.

Second: Divorces are done, not won. Even if she took out a billboard and got a marketing team to convince everyone in town that you were a controlling SOB... well... it wont matter in the long run. Result in the divorce would be the same.

Third: Frankly, people don’t really give a damn about why others divorce. Like Joe – the guy who manages your office – I’m guessing that maybe you know he’s divorced but you really have never bothered asking him why.

Fourth: People will take sides. Directly or indirectly. Like her sister will believe her and everything she says. Same with her BFF. They will confirm that you were controlling, that you stank of garlic or whatever she says. They will all agree that by refusing her a new purse because you two had to pay the utilities was brutal abuse or whatever. No way you can win that.
Plus... some of your friends are friends because of her, and some because of you. Frank – your occasional golfing buddy who is married to Jane her friend from childhood – he might not be calling your for golf anymore. Not because he thinks you are a controlling loser, but simply because it’s less uncomfortable to simply stop seeing you.
Your wife will experience the same. She wont be going to your buddy Sam’s famous dinner parties anymore.

IMHO – Don’t worry nor focus on what others say or do. Don’t try to beat her on the rumors or stories. Of the 20 people that might ask why your are divorcing there are maybe 5 that really care and really want to know. Like a brother, best friend...
You can have a standard answer that says a lot without too much detail. Like if asked if you are divorcing simply say "yes". If asked why – "I don’t like her boyfriend". But don’t bother with the details or reasons or excuses.

The sooner you get out if this and accept the mentality that this marriage is over and there is a new chapter opening up in your life – the sooner you heal.

Second: Divorces are done, not won.

I agree, but the way the divorce is handled and how things are divided will affect my kids.

Third: Frankly, people don’t really give a damn about why others divorce...
Fourth: People will take sides. Directly or indirectly.

Her own parents do not believe her.
However, she tried to exclude me from certain school activities because she does not want me to meet some of her colleagues and have them realize that I am not a monster.

IMHO – Don’t worry nor focus on what others say or do.

I worry because we live in a small village, and I do not want my kids to hear things about their mother — at least not before they are old enough to understand and discuss them.

The sooner you get out if this and accept the mentality that this marriage is over and there is a new chapter opening up in your life – the sooner you heal.

I agree, but I will only be able to accept it once she leaves the house, which will only happen after the divorce.
So I need the divorce to move forward and start feeling better.

Old joke:

"When a husband cheats, it’s because he’s an asshole.

When a wife cheats, it’s because her husband is an asshole."

You’re going to lose the blame game.

Don’t sweat it.

Best wishes.

I think it's natural to feel bad you are such a bad guy that it caused your wife to have an affair. I did for a short time but with help from this forum I was able to realize that I played no part in my wife's decision to have an affair

From what you have written you sound like a father who is in the one percentile. You went above and beyond to provide for your wife your family the household. When your wife fell overloaded you took on more of the burden and that makes you a great guy

I now believe that a man who does too much for his wife will be taken advantage of. I truly believe it lowers her attraction to her man. He becomes steady Dependable reliable predictable and that becomes boring to her and that's when the Allure of an affair starts to take hold. The 9 years younger cocky chatty charismatic married coworker who carried a gun and a badge and a bulletproof vest became the bad boy, the exciting one.

The principal should lose his job in my opinion. He obviously Lacks the moral compass to be involved in the lives of children. Hopefully people shun him and you're soon to be ex-wife.

ETA: That maybe something worth exploring. His contract may have a moral turpitude clause and with so many people knowing about the affair and her admitting it you may be able to get him fired

[This message edited by WB1340 at 4:41 PM, Tuesday, March 3rd]

I now believe that a man who does too much for his wife will be taken advantage of. I truly believe it lowers her attraction to her man.

I agree. It was hard to admit, but yes, I agree. At some point, she did not even realize what I was doing anymore.

The principal should lose his job in my opinion. He obviously Lacks the moral compass to be involved in the lives of children. Hopefully people shun him and you're soon to be ex-wife.

ETA: That maybe something worth exploring. His contract may have a moral turpitude clause and with so many people knowing about the affair and her admitting it you may be able to get him fired

This is something I would like to look into right after the divorce.

Thanks for your message.