SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDAY of second affair(10 years apart) was a few days ago, posted in just found out a quick story. First time posting on here because I don’t see myself ever fully trusting him again. So I currently feel separation/divorce is what makes sense for me. My main worry is about the effects on my two young children. That is my fear. I don’t fear financial, even though I don’t have job. I don’t fear criticism or lack of support, nor being alone. I understand and have seen divorce through almost all of my immediate family. I always thought he was "almost" the perfect husband except for the first affair and now second. Everything else is was great and I believe that’s why I chose reconciliation the first time. Now, second time around he’s apologetic, remorseful and wants to reconcile like we did 10 years ago, he is doing as I say and ask and we are being cordial when kids are home. He told me today actually, take my time and not to worry about finances, which i never did, I guess just reassured me he wouldn’t cut me off. He said he continue to provide and keep the home peaceful for our kids, whether I decide to reconcile or divorce. His concern seems to be our kids well being first and hopes for reconciliation 2nd.

But I don’t feel or see reconciliation. Now with only a few days to process, I am questioning, how long do I take to decide? I’m impatient person lol I like things resolved and don’t like being uneasy. I know I should take my time, plan and be sure before saying something. But should I give myself a deadline to have a decision by? How long did you take to decide?

[This message edited by chica1 at 3:20 AM, Wednesday, January 28th]

This is the second time after a long period of R. I don't see why he deserves another chance, and I see no reason you have to wait. In your shoes, I would do some free consultations with lawyers to understand the likely outcome of the divorce (with respect to finances and custody) and then pick the attorney I like best and begin divorce proceedings. Right now, he's still full of guilt and playing nice. It's the best time to take action.

If you go this route, it's up to you whether you tell him about your meetings with the lawyers. Either way, tell a close friend/family member what's going on. You should definitely have someone in your corner to support your through this, and you might need school pick ups or childcare help, especially if he turns angry and/or walks out on you.

As for R, obviously that's your decision, but my feeling is that if you offer R to him again, he will have zero incentive not to repeat this in 5 or 10 years. People who are sorry but keep repeating the same bad behavior aren't regretful but not reformed.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation. Once is bad enough. A second betrayal after years of R must be incredibly painful.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 5:20 AM, Wednesday, January 28th]

"How long do I take to decide?"

More than a few days.

But you can start the divorce process. It takes a while. And you can always change your mind along the way. Plenty of time to decide.

Best wishes.

I think you know that divorce would be the best choice for you, but you're afraid of making a mistake.

So let me reassure you: I've never known anyone who regretted divorcing a cheater. But there are many, many people who regret giving cheaters 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances, etc, and wasting decades of their lives.

As for his reassurance that he wouldn't cut you off... well, how very kind and generous of him. <eye roll> It is not he who decides what you and your kids are entitled to in a divorce, but the law.

But since he's feeling so magnanimous, think about what the past 10 years of your life were worth and what you would want from the divorce to move on comfortably... and tell him to put his money where his mouth is.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:03 PM, Wednesday, January 28th]

So let me reassure you: I've never known anyone who regretted divorcing a cheater. But there are many, many people who regret giving cheaters 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances, etc, and wasting decades of their lives.

Yep!

Personally, I wouldn't waste another minute. I'd kick him out ASAP.

I have to agree that while he is professing guilt and shame, now is the time to seek legal action and get it in writing.

Many times +++++++ on this forum the WS expresses they will always support the BS and ensure they are provided for. And just as often it changes once reality hits.

Put you and your children first. Get what is fair and needed to maintain your household without your H.

You deserve peace and quiet. He deserves to pay for it.

Please be careful about trusting anything he says. He is saying you don't have to worry about finances NOW because he's hoping for reconciliation, that could change easily if you decide not to R, sadly.

Welp, spoke to affair women. She said similar things…that it was an emotional affair and they bonded over difficult times in their lives. Untrue for him, we were not going through a rough patch. She said they never had sex, but they connected emotionally on different levels. He told her, he was doing in house separation for his kids and no relationship with me because I cheated. She revealed that they met at work, but she was only there for a trainings and doesn’t work there daily. Husband told me, they met at the gym. He now admitted he lied they met at gym, bc he did not want me to feel uneasy if we chose R and he still works there.

Still hasn’t been a complete week since DDay, and feel certain he won’t ever change, he won’t ever do any self improvement/counseling and I’ll never trust him. I don’t want to rush because I did nothing wrong and am entitled to my time in my home and now I’m getting a cold/fever must be the lack of sleep and stress.

Now I am thinking what I want and need before going to a lawyer. I know I would like to try meditation first, because I feel I can have more control. I am a SAHM but I am very aware and handled all bills, properties, accounts etc. So for financial, I feel i understand what I’ll get. What I’m processing now is, whether to keep the kids in the current home, whether he keeps it or I, if that will help have less of an impact on them, or we all start fresh elsewhere. Or if I can handle in house separation because I still don’t know how to break it to the kids?

[This message edited by chica1 at 12:22 AM, Thursday, January 29th]

chica1, you can do mediation and still retain a lawyer to consult with outside of the mediation sessions. This is what I did, and it can give you some peace of mind that you aren't screwing yourself over.

Breaking the news to the kids (and other family/friends) is very hard, but IHS is MUCH harder. Please don't go that route unless all else fails. In order to heal, you need space from the person who hurt you. Imagine living with him and knowing he's actively seeing this other woman. For me, writing a letter to my kid really helped when the time came. STBX and I went over it, made some changes, and then sat down together to read it to her. She ended up just reading it to herself and then we talked for like 10 minutes (she wasn't surprised - 16yo), and then she returned to her room to play video games with friends online. STBX and I were so nervous, and it ended up being no big deal, but for some kids, they will cry and be upset, but with love and open communication, they'll calm down. If they have trouble, I recommend getting them into therapy - somewhere they can open up to a neutral person.

As for talking to the AP, it's good that you were able to cross their stories. That said, I wouldn't be surprised if she's lying about sex. I'm sure she would think that's worse, so she might be protecting herself with that, especially if you don't have contradicting evidence and she knows it.

What I see is a man who lies…repeatedly. According to the AP he said you were separated. So he is the pursuer. Told lies about where they met. So it might help if you made a list of all the lies. This is not him trying to CYA. It’s him and his usual behavior. He gets a little bored so he finds a vulnerable woman and, bingo, has himself some sneaky fun. Seems to be a pattern here.

Talk to a lawyer. You need hard facts.

I agree that you should at the very least have a lawyer to review everything and make sure you are getting what you are entitled to.
Please do not believe your WS will "do the right thing." He has shown the capacity to do everything but the right thing….