SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My latest update is that my STBXWW moved out yesterday. She got an apartment and finally moved out her bed and I moved out the basement and back into the upstairs of my house. I took back the master bedroom that for well over a decade was our bedroom, then for about a year and a half her bedroom, and now is mine again. It was necessary. I'm excited about it. I'm finally getting out of infidelity hell via divorce. And yet, this isn't how I planned things to go. She's everywhere in this house. We built it all together. Getting her stuff out and starting doing the things the way I want them, undoing some of her stuff that annoyed me or just doesn't serve me well. These walls saw it all, there's ghosts here of a young couple full of hopes and dreams and love ready to take on the whole world and create and nourish our family. I would say those dreams didn't go according to plan, but that's not really accurate. They didn't end well, but for a long time they did go according to plan. There was a lot of love between these walls, and the ending doesn't make the entire story fake. As she left she wept, and not a soft cry but a hyperventilating bitter weeping. I held her in an embrace and, maybe for the last time, she was calm in my arms. The crying subsided and she was able to feel safe in my arms one last time. Then she left, weeping again. This entire thing is such an ocean of emotions and reflective thoughts. I don't need any advice, I just wanted to put this out into the world amongst those who may have been through it.

That's a lot!

When you have the energy for it, perhaps start with repainting your master bedroom. It is surprising what a change like that can do to ground you in the new. I for one am glad you are out of the basement!

Absolutely superesse. I think my first step, as soon as the dust clears, is I'm putting plush soft carpet in the master bedroom, my room. I had carpet as a kid/teen and I just liked it. She hated it, so all we have is hardwood floors all over the house now. I'm getting older, and I like the way carpet feels under my feet and it's a bit easier on my aches and pains. That's going to be my first reclamation project.

I'm going through a lot of that with you, 1345Marine, except in my case I left the house. I'm no longer physically able to take care of such a large space, and I was hoping to rent it and use the income, but stbx wants to keep it, so he's buying me out. I still spend time at this house once a week with our kid, and the memories are so hard.

I hear you on the complexity of both good and bad associations. Like I was telling my daughter, the triggers in the house are heavy, but there were happy times. What makes me sad now is that he threw all that away with his affairs - we had built such a great life here - friends, family, parties, raising our child, artwork all over the walls, souvenirs from travels - all of what we built is in shambles (metaphorically) now that we're divorcing.

Sometimes I get really angry about it, but mostly I'm just sad.

I believe you used the phrase earlier "co-keeper of our memories", that has stuck with me.
My ex and I are nesting, sharing the house. It’s cordial, working well enough. There is one strange back and forth, though. My first time having the house solo I took down a family portrait. It’s beautiful, the kids are young and darling, but I don’t want that constant reminder. She puts it back up when she is in the house. I’m not sure what it all means for her. For me, the past is tainted. Maybe that will change some day, I don’t know. In as much as you have power over it, hold on to the joy in your memories. You hold them solo now, they are yours, may they serve you well.

I wish I could say I’m happy for you. In truth I feel heavy and sad for your ex. I feel hopeful for you.

a little redecorating helps. Move your clothes over to her half of the closet, updated towels, comforter, rugs. Re-arrange the furniture.
Get a new plant or piece of art for the walls as a focal point.

It gets better with time, and I think you will find that you sleep a lot better soon.

1345,

I looked at your old posts.

My goodness, you’ve been living in the hell of her infidelity for years!

Stay strong, here.

See this through.

It will be better. There’s no way for it to be worse than what she’s put you through.

Quit the hopium. She’s not going to change.

Best wishes.

Less than a year ago, you thought that if you pursued divorce, you would be stuck living in a camper.

And now here you are. She's moved out and you have the whole house to yourself.

I know that you're still in the thick of the divorce process and are grieving the end of your marriage... but I think your story is still an inspiration to people who are paralyzed by despair and think that getting out of infidelity is-- as you once said-- "nearly impossible."

I tried to look at my own profile and my "recent posts", but they only go back to 2023. I guess at some point they get deleted or removed from the site for privacy sake. But my first post would've been in 2019, and I only had a suspicion she was cheating and I was asking others if they thought these were signs or something like that in JFO. I panicked and begged the mods to take my post down because it had some things I thought she could identify if she ever came upon the site, and then I just panic deleted everything I had posted to leave blank boxes. There was near universal consensus that, "this don't look good, she's cheating". I argued, "but I know her, you don't, we're different, I appreciate the perspective but blah blah blah" just like so many people new to this hell do. I finally confirmed, she confessed, whatever that she'd been cheating in March of 2022 and that's when I returned to the site and actually started posting for a time and had great advice and made some good friends on here, but I still argued everything and was just... Idk. But even reading back to my own posts from 2023 and seeing my own words during those times... It's strange but good for me. If there's a way to see my own threads all the way back that someone knows of, please let me know.

I read a quote once that said "There's no one I have less in common with than the me of 12 years ago that was posting the things coming up in my facebook memories" and I think there's truth to that with regard to the me who posted to SI years ago.

Ok ... well ... From the thread 'Premium Access' in the General forum:

Donations of $50 or more per year will receive the above benefits and also gain access to their posts/threads in the SI archives dating back to 2008, ability to follow or forget other members, and granted a one-time permanent name change.

I agree with BluerThanBlue.