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I 100% recognize that asking could be rude, but here's the situation:

My best friend since childhood is getting married soon. She's discussed some wedding planning with me, but has mentioned budget/space constraints. This is gonna be a fancy but smaller event (>40 people). She said in recent months that she was having to really cut down the guest list, and my parents were the only non-relative "adults" (kidding -- we're all adults now, but she means older generation folks) getting an invite, aside from her own parents.

Over the years, she has lived with me/my family for a short period of time between apartments, she's traveled with us & my parents have taken her to the hospital a few times during emergencies when her parents weren't nearby. Our parents are also close.

Anyways, this past week my sibling & I both got invitations in the mail. My parents have not.

My mom said she understands maybe she had to cut the guest list to just immediate family and very close friends, so she would be sad to miss it, but understands.

Now... under normal circumstances, I wouldn't say anything. If their invite did get lost in the mail, it would in theory get sorted out when it was time to RSVP? If she reached out because she hadn't heard back from my mom yet?

BUT! My parents were invited to an event honoring a deceased family member the same weekend, a plane ride away. This person was very important to my dad, so he wants to go. My mom would rather attend the wedding if she's invited, and my parents are okay with going to separate events.

Here's my dilemma -- is there any way to reach out to my friend and ask if my parents are/were invited, without being incredibly rude?

I'm wondering if I can phrase a text to explain the situation? I feel like that might be better than a phone call, because if they weren't invited, it doesn't put her on the spot. And I really don't want to make her feel uncomfortable if she had to cut the guest list and leave them off, but she did mention that she was planning on inviting them, but they didn't receive an invite (we all live in a few mile radius of each other, so if my sibling & I received then early this week, I don't see why theirs would arrive much later).

Lastly -- the RSVP date is in March, the wedding and deceased relative event are both in April, so my mom doesn't want to wait that long to make flight/hotel arrangements if they didn't get invited to the wedding & they're both flying to the memorial event instead.

Out here in the rural area of Virginia mail can dilly-dally for days or even a week to arrive...so don't rule that out, yet.

Maybe (who knows, this IS tricky!) Let your friend know via personal telephone call (don't text this kind of thing I would say) that your Dad has a real conflict due to a funeral at the same general time and what to do...then see what she says?

I have to agree with Superesse not to do this via text or email. On the phone. And yes, mail gets lost or delayed. We went to a posh wedding last summer on Martha's Vineyard where a large number of invites didn't make it to the intended party, so they (the printing company) had to send out a second batch a couple of weeks later. I think the second batch invite arrived a couple of days before the first invite. It was only when the missing invitations were made known to the bride did they realize there was a problem.

It sounds like your mom will be fine with the answer either way, so I would see no problem with asking your friend now. Think how awkward it would be if your mom decided to go with your dad, and then the bride discovered after the RSVP date that the only reason your mom wasn't there was because no one spoke up and just asked.

Honestly, if she's your best friend since childhood, I'd sort of wonder if she had changed her mind and had to cut the list, she would have said something to you so there'd be no surprises.

[This message edited by number4 at 11:49 PM, Saturday, January 17th]

As much as I respect marriage I absolutely HATE weddings! (Bah! Humbug rant coming!)

Partially because of this strange expectation of people spending the equivalent of a down-payment for a house on tuxedo-rentals, dresses, cake, pre-dinner, test-dinner and meal, flowers and all that other stuff.
Partially because of all the mental and emotional waste of day-long discussions on if the flowers should be this shade of Lilly-white or another, or trying to find a dress and tuxedos and flowers and cake and decorations that match the color of the first Mustang they drove together as teenagers.

And...
Partially for all the drama and agony in whom to invite and the response of those invited AND not invited, the seating arrangements and disputes over the seating arrangements and all that crap.

When my wife and I got married we cut off the guest-list at a certain age/level. Basically grandkids of our siblings were not invited, nor any child under the age of 12. The main reason for this was simply the venue we rented only seated a certain number, and with this restraint we were just under that number.
This caused so much distress with one of her siblings that the whole clan declined to come because the daughter’s 6 year old son wasn’t allowed. While my wife saw this as bad, I simply saw 12 plates less to pay for.
Then we heard that they were coming but planned on sneaking the Golden Boy with them. That took a firm phone call to stop...
When others heard the rumor that MAYBE some kids would be allowed, we got queries from others. Had we give way, we would either had a dozen kids running around OR unhappy people because Jed jr. got to come but not little Sue.

Everyone did arrive, and no kids. A great evening.
But it left a bad taste – a stain on the day.

I think its good to remember whose day this is. It’s the couple getting married.

All this to suggest: Phone to let them know you are coming, and at the same time ask them if it’s correct your mom didn’t make the list. Just like those that asked us – we explained why. And just like everyone other than my wife’s psychotic sister and family – everyone understood the limitations. If she tells you that they had to cut down, just tell her you understand and your mom is fine with it and it’s no big issue.

Ps. Last year my daughter asked us to meet her downtown late on a Friday. When we got to where she was there were about 10 other people there – her in-laws and best friends, as well as her partner for 10 years and two sons (my grandsons). She told us we were taking a short walk, and led us to the court house where a clerk registered them as married. The new couple then invited us all to a nearby ice-cream store where we all had a celebratory cone.
The acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree....

Seconding Bigger's little story! My SIL got her nose all of joint about us asking that no babies be present during the actual church ceremony we'd spent thousands of (credit card) dollars on, I'd put up almost his whole family from overseas at my or my neighbors houses and the ceremony was being held in a massive stone cathedral with a giant pipe organ guaranteed to send a baby into howling. As I grew up dealing with that every Sunday in our church (my mother having been church organist) I just wanted a civilized ceremony even though our nearby reception was to be for everybody. Also, she was asked to be a reader, so she couldn't have held her baby and done that from the pulpit. She never got over it and her reactions over the years have confirmed her conclusion that her brother's marriage to me was a mistake! (LOL if you know my story, maybe she was on to something!)

Good for you Bigger for handling that situation with the right amount of grace and firmness!

Duplicate

[This message edited by Superesse at 9:30 PM, Tuesday, January 20th]