SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

: n. Me and my partner are on a break at the moment. He really wants our relationship to work and says that it’s on my terms. He seems to be cooperating. It has been 3 weeks since dday, and all I’ve been doing is asking questions and investigating - he has been answering, but it has taken a lot of evidence to get to truth - which I worry about . When I spoke to the baby mum she shared a lot (but expected). She didn’t confirm much about the A - but spoke alot about their relationship and history. My partner was upset that I called them.

I was adviced not to call the other woman, but I think it gave me information to use whilst getting some truth out of him.

Im now going through a phase where I am obsessing over the other woman and I keep going to her socials. I know I’m hurting myself more, but this week her socials revealed that they met up with the kids and he didn’t tell me.

I feel betrayed all over again because I now wonder what is really going on between them that he can’t tell me his plans. And they took a cosy family picture.

We are on a break and we will do some gentle reflection tasks individually over the next 4 weeks.

I guess I just want peoples experiences with this.

No, I did not talk to, or even try to talk to my wife's AP. I did look at his fb twice in the last 7 months, and as you noted, it was just pain shopping and didn't do anything for me but send me down an anxiety spiral. I would not recommend it. I sometimes obsess over the fact that she had an affair at all, but I don't specifically obsess too much over her AP. He's trash, and she absolutely "affaired down" with him. He can't hold a candle to me in any area, so I've just pushed him out of my head. Good riddance.

However, my WW has come clean about everything and I was able to confirm much of her versions of events because she was terrible about covering her tracks and I read a lot of her messages to her AP and friends about her affair. So I wasn't left with many unexplained gaps or holes in her stories that didn't add up. Plus her AP isn't exactly very active on any socials.

What's missing in this post that I read in your introduction thread, is that your husband hid the fact that he even has kids with another woman, even after you married him. Then he continued to maintain a relationship with her in secret, which is a pretty big red flag. You found out about it on your own, it's almost certain boundaries were crossed, and that's more or less what brings you here. I mention all of this here because normally a husband keeping contact with an ex for the sake of the kids is pretty standard and normal behavior, and most readers might not understand the depth of the issue. What he's doing is neither standard nor normal. You also mentioned there's yet another woman he's been having inappropriate communications with?

I think it's pretty understandable that you would be lurking on her socials to try and figure out what exactly is going on, but that's just torture. If your husband would just come clean, you wouldn't be in a position where you feel the need to do that, which is just downright cruel, imo. If he's that broken up and guilt ridden over you discovering his secret(s), then he needs to just come clean and tell you everything. Because you having to do this type of detective work and exposing yourself to the OW like this is just plain torture. He needs to get that through his head. He's not doing you any favors, and doesn't seem to "get it" yet.

As for this situation, are you saying that your husband is still not being very forthcoming with information or answers unless you have hard evidence? You said you discovered he had a meet up with his baby mama for the kids last week? As in it was a while ago, and you just discovered it last week? Or was the meet up just last week and he kept it from you?

It doesn't sound like he's being honest with you still. Which tells me he's not very remorseful. Have you considered divorce, or are you still wanting to reconcile? At this point it doesn't sound like you have a lot to work with unless he becomes more transparent and starts telling you the truth.

The first couple of weeks after d day, my wife withheld information and tried to maintain a "just friends" relationship with her AP, and it wasn't until I made phone calls to lawyers and real estate agents that she broke down, came clean, went full NC, and begged me to not go through with it. She's been very consistent about repairing and rebuilding for the last 7 months now, but it wasn't until divorce was on the table that she turned the corner. I didn't do it to manipulate her. I did it to get out of infidelity, one way or another. I was prepared to go through with it if she called my "bluff." I don't know what your husband's reaction might be if you do the same thing, but You don't want to go down that path unless you're truly prepared to follow through with it if he doesn't come around. Backpedaling on that would be a disaster.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:29 PM, Sunday, November 16th]

Yes, four days after D-Day. Walked into the school where he and my wife worked, asked the principal's secretary if I could speak to the RSO (school cop), she asked for my ID so within seconds she knew that my wife worked across the hallway in another office and I'm sure she found it curious that I was asking to speak to the RSO

He walked in smiling, ask how he could help me, I asked if there is somewhere we can talk, he said sure, out in the hallway, so we walked into the hallway and I said my name is and I am the husband of so and so and I thought we should meet. His expression changed, he stuck out his hand and said I owe you an apology and I just waved him off and said I'm not here for an apology

At this point I was so gutted and empty I was nothing but a shell of a man and the only reason I went there and had a 20 minute conversation with him was to hopefully convince him to change his ways so that another married guy wouldn't have his heart ripped out

I wasn't angry I wasn't calling him names, I simply said I thought I was doing everything right to make my wife feel special and loved and it turns out she was unhappy and instead of coming to her partner of 20 plus years she went to you to make herself feel good. One thing I said to him is Imagine 13 years from now when you are 53 and everything you thought you knew to be true and safe evaporated in seconds and at 53 you find yourself not knowing what to believe and trying to rebuild your life

My words had Zero Effect as he went on to have another affair with the social worker at the school. He ended up having sex with her in his car in the parking lot and on her desk in the school

People I told about my conversation with him think I'm crazy but I did what I felt was right in hopes of saving another guy from going through what I did

Yes. She wanted to get past me to speak to my W. (We live in an apartment building, and I met ow and her H in the vestibule, outside a locked door.) She was incredibly self-centered. I gave her nothing. She refused to leave. Finally she asked if I'd give my W a note. I said I would - that was a lie, and it was so satisfying to lie to her. I didn't read the note, but I didn't give it to my W, either.

I did. A couple times. No good came of it ultimately but it did make me feel better momentarily one of the times. The thing is that the AP has no need to be honest or truthful. So they often aren’t. And they can say things that stick with you, rub salt in the wound in ways that cannot be undone.

I think we need to decide for ourselves. There was no chance of violence, so i wasn’t worried about that. But I gave her way way way too much headspace.

That said I got a couple good digs in, and honestly was proud of myself since I am a very non-confrontational person. Confronting actually was empowering for me. But I can’t say I recommend it, but each situation is different.

I did a few times both in person and through message and every time she told me the same lies as my ex partner had told me!

I haven't but if I did here's what I would highlight:

You lost your marriage, you're twice divorced now

You damaged my marriage but my wife dumped you like a sack of bricks when I found out

You bought an apartment out in the stix to be near WS and now you're stuck here, by yourself with NC.

You lost your job

I could tell your ex wife things I know (he withheld financial disclosure during their D) and she would drag you back to court and cost you hundreds of thousands in fees and fines. You could go to jail for that and you would never be able to work in your industry again

I could tell your former employer and they would cancel your severance

I could tell your current employer and they would likely cut ties due to your relationship with a junior

I could tell your friends and everybody would know what a POS you are

...

I could do a lot of damage to AP but it would kill the relationship with WS, make amicable joint parenting impossible in the event of D, so I'm holding off. AP is a sack of shit but so too was WS for her behaviour. I am more focused on healing and maybe whether WS can be better. AP has fucked up his own life and I'm laughing at his shitty circumstances. That doesn't happen for everybody but it's the only bright spot for me.

I’m more concerned that the guy who wants to make it work (as he told you) is out with the OW having social meet up time, taking family photos AND not being honest with you!

His words say one thing. His actions are quite the opposite. And that is what you should be paying attention to. His ACTIONS!

This is a huge red flag 🚩 to making a reconciliation work IMO.

It appears as though (from his actions) that one of you is his plan B. Please don’t let that be you.

Calling the OW definitely has made me feel better in one sense - I had a niggling urge to speak to her and I’m glad I did. Although I have agreed not to contact her again whilst we pause the relationship and figure out our next steps.

I agree, he has presented so many red flags since dday - which has set us back as if we are experiencing dday again. I actually asked to end the relationship over the weekend. I and started moving my things out which sent him on a panic. But I feel like I gave in too quickly. He respects the pause, then opened up a little more. And we’ve agreed that we are on a pause and will reevaluate our relationship in a week.

I honestly don’t know how we will move forward. In my head the relationship is done. But I’m giving it another 2 weeks.