SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Frankly I am scared to post this, but I believe I need to have this attitude to go all in on reconciliation. My wife from the jump has indicated she wants to stay together. I know it is early and subject to change and I think that has kept me from fully embracing this wonderful gift. I am afraid she will decide one day the reasons she wants to stay are not enough to overcome the reasons she should leave. That keeps me from being fully open emotionally for fear that the pain if she leaves will be so much greater if I am fully open and vulnerable.

I am really just starting to unpack long buried emotions going all the way back to my childhood trauma and understanding the impact it has always had on me. One thing that is clear is that I have very much underestimated how much my own experiences created a fear of being rejected by those who should love unconditionally. This has been one of the things that contributed to me projecting the person I thought people wanted rather than living as my authentic self.

Knowing that does not seem to lessen the anxiety that I feel about my wife potentially leaving, but helps me to understand why I have that anxiety in the face of her reassuring me she is with me for the long haul. I am fully aware the choice to reconcile is fluid, but we are coming off a great week of vacation in one of our favorite spots and for the first time I am realizing that I need to embrace this chance fully despite the knowledge that if she changes her mind the devastation will be exponentially worse. I refuse to sully her gift by holding anything back. She deserves 100% of my effort.

We have a long road ahead. Despite this being a great week we both had some triggering moments, hard conversations, and both shed tears. That said I feel closer to my wife right now than I ever had. Feeling safe enough to share the darkest parts of you with someone is something I have never felt. We are building a new relationship from the ash heap of the one I destroyed and for the first time the foundation is one of total honesty.

She is an amazing person. I have always known this and that adds to the shame and guilt of the damage I have done, but also really drives me to be better. I have a long way to go to get in the same universe she inhabits, but her love and support anchors me and tells me that I have worth. She would not be putting in this effort if she did not see something that makes it worth it.

Does not change the fact that I will be beyond utterly devastated if she eventually chooses to leave me, but I refuse to let that inhibit our chance to build a relationship that will stand forever. So grateful for my wife.

I am afraid she will decide one day the reasons she wants to stay are not enough to overcome the reasons she should leave. That keeps me from being fully open emotionally for fear that the pain if she leaves will be so much greater if I am fully open and vulnerable.

A couple of thoughts here, friend.

I don't like the word "should" being used in the context of human behavior. In science, it's a reasonable term. If you're holding an object and let go it should fall to the ground. Perfectly reasonable and true. It is not reasonable and true that a betrayed spouse "should" leave a marriage. It's not a law of physics.

It may seem like pure semantics until you realize how it affects your thinking. For instance, believing that your wife "should" leave precludes your acceptance of her grace. So, you "should" be afraid, which impairs your ability to be vulnerable, open and honest.

I'll let you in on a little secret, just because I think you're a good man. One of the many things a betrayed spouse is looking for in reconciliation is courage.

Courage to face the consequences head on. Courage to dig inside as deeply as possible. Courage to be vulnerable.

Rephrase it:

I am afraid she will decide one day the reasons she wants to stay are not enough to overcome the reasons she could choose to leave. That keeps me being fully open emotionally for fear that the pain if she leaves will be so much greater if I am not fully open and vulnerable.

Did not even realize that when I posted, but obviously symptomatic of the shame I still harbor. Great feedback as always. I am finding myself more and more able to recognize guilt rather than shame and feel like I am showing up way better than I thought I would at this point. Still days I feel like my wife is more supporting me, but getting better.

I am showing up

It certainly seems that way. Hense the grace.

FVL

Like your W, I have recommitted to our M after finding out the truth so many years later. Like you, my H is fearful at times that I could change my mind and pull the plug. It's his opening up and bearing his soul that keeps me in the game. All these years we've been separated by his secrets. I'd felt it. I just didn't know why. Now I do and I won't go back to the way things were. I need him showing up 24/7 with courage and confidence.

Be brave. Trust your W. Give her everything.

Great post.

One thing that is clear is that I have very much underestimated how much my own experiences created a fear of being rejected by those who should love unconditionally. This has been one of the things that contributed to me projecting the person I thought people wanted rather than living as my authentic self.

Me too! This was hard for me to recover from but I feel like being able to move towards authenticity and allowing myself to be truly seen by my husband while definitely a journey with bursts of progress and at times regression, was what healed me. His love healed so much in me, and that too was a huge gift that I don’t think k I could appreciate until my soul was exposed to the daylight so to speak.

I relate so much to your posts, and the profound recognition that you have that took me years to glean.

Being vulnerable is hard but that intimacy and connection you craves is now possible. This was your best case scenario. And while nothing is ever guaranteed in this whole walk I think you are safer to go all in than if you don’t. I feel this site is filled with pages of bs who are in misery because their ws can’t do exactly that.

I am so happy for you. Today. Not some future version of you or your marriage. The progress is unfolding and I think the future ahead is bright. Best wishes.