I think that sometimes it’s best to take people at face value. Like if someone stood at an arm’s length in front of me with a clenched fist and telling me he wanted to punch me – I would step back, at least out of arms reach.
I also think a lot of our anxiety and fear are caused by uncertainty. Once you have a clearer understanding or view of what lies ahead you can better cope with the expected and likely issues, rather than the unknown and unexpected issues.
That’s why I (nearly) always suggest that people in your shoes – where the WS has told them that they want out – believe what they hear and act accordingly.
With being married then "getting out" is a process. It’s an emotional process, but possibly more complicated is the "business" part of it. Where you need to find some way of untangling the financial part of the marriage.
We too often approach that untangling with either unrealistic fears or expectations. You won’t get the house, both cars, the cat and dog and all the furniture. He won’t leave with the camping-kit utensils and be paying all your bills for eternity. Nor will he leave you destitute living in a box on the pavement. The process is relatively fair, and generally the only person that can make it unfair is you yourself. Either with unfair demands, or unnecessary concessions.
In the strongest words possible I encourage you to simply say something like "OK – Great. You want to be with her that’s fine. Can’t really prevent that. But I can refuse to remain married. I’m going to start the process of our separation". Main issue is that you say that to YOURSELF. I’m fine with him getting the news when served.
Talk to an attorney. Unless you have an exceptionally large base of wealth – as in trust-funds, companies, shares, multiple properties etc – then you don’t really need some celebrity Matlock-type attorney. A seasoned divorce attorney will do. You want a FAIR division of assets where you are ensured what is properly yours.
If he want’s to mediate or that you two get to some agreement between yourself – still use YOUR attorney. Only his role then is to ensure that you are getting your share and that all the documentation is correct and all the debts/assets properly squared away.
--
Other than the boring but practical advice above:
I suggest you adapt a very cheerful disposition when interacting with him. Sort of "Wow! I’m glad that’s out of the way. Now I can go back to enjoying life – even if it’s without you!" Even of you have no wish or intention of reconciling, this will make him think and worry.
I remember a thread on another long-defunct forum about a woman whose husband left her. She took this cheerful attitude despite her pain. Shortly after he left she changed her hairstyle and took care that every time the husband came over (to discuss divorce, get his clothes or whatever) she was well turned out, the house immaculate and she BUSY. As in "can we finish this in an hour? I have places to go...".
She then told their grown-up/college kids that she had been at the movies or couldn’t answer their call last evening because she was out. Building this image of her dating. When her husband wanted to meet one Saturday to go over some documents she told him she was leaving town for the weekend. When he asked – "with a friend" and nothing more. If I remember, she actually sat in her apartment all Saturday.
Eventually the husband got so jealous that he begged her for another chance...
Not saying you should do any of this. Maybe with his attitude towards your illness you really are better off without him. Its more like an example of how one might think they want something, only to realize the cost is more than they are willing to sacrifice.
