SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I started dating when we were both 15, so we have been together pretty much our entire lives. Through high school she still talked and flirted with a bunch of guys which always bothered me. I’ve always had self esteem and jealous issues. At our grad party kissed my best friend (who I’ve talked to like twice since). I should’ve known then and earlier things weren’t going to be great. But I have no backbone and hate confrontation.

In 2017 I found texts on her phone with another guy. Nothing had happened between them as far as I can tell. But it was a lot of ‘wishing they could be together’ because he had a girlfriend as well. Including a text that she sent that said, "my mom always told me to keep an eye out for you". I brought it up to her and of course she said it was a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again.

We got married in the summer of 2019 and in May I went on my bachelor party for 5 days, probably the longest we have ever been apart. When I got back we had some of the craziest and best sex of our entire relationship for the next two or so weeks.

We didn’t move in together until a week or so before the wedding. One night while she I was sleeping I went through her phone again because I still didn’t really trust her. Once again, found a bunch of messages with the same guy as before. This time it was much worse was a bunch of sexting and them describing what they’d like to do to each other. Most of these messages happened in the same time that we were having those crazy two weeks. She had sent messages detailing some of the things that we had done together and how she’d like to do the same / more with him. It was also clear she had been to his house and watched a movie one night but it didn’t seem like anything sexual had happened. Even though I don’t think anything physical happened, I still consider this cheating and it still messes me up to this day.

So I started packing my bags that night. I was ready to go back to my parents and call off the wedding. She woke up while I was packing and convinced me to sleep on it. Again, I have no backbone. I slept on the couch and in the middle of the night she came to make sure I hadn’t tried to sneak away. Then at that point we had what was probably our only real fight of us being together. She was trying to convince me to stay with her. And I told her right then and there that I would never be able to trust her again. She said it was purely a phone thing and she’d never do any of it in person. That she’d get rid of her phone or I could check it whenever I want. Obviously, I didn’t leave and we got married a few days later.

In 2022 she was working as a pharmacist assistant and a temporary pharmacist came from over seas, a young attractive foreign man. Over the first week or so of him being there I noticed him snapping her a lot and asked why that was. And she immediately got defensive and told me I was being silly. So I mentioned the past and how it still hurts me. And then she got even more upset about that and it ended up with me apologizing to her and me spending weeks in the doghouse.

Now in 2025, these memories still quite often come through my head, specifically the messages to the guy that she talked to twice. We don’t have a very good sex life, often going months without sex. Which that itself really bothers me. But two or three times a year we will have spurt of having sex for a week straight or 5/7 days in a week. And somehow this brings back more of the old feelings. I have just recently discovered that it’s likely because of the time in May when we were having the best sex ever and she was cheating on me. So even when things finally go good for me physically, it’s probably the worst for me mentally. Plus she is a stay at home mom and I work full time. So I’m constantly worried that someone is coming over while I’m gone or she’s having online relationships again and is smart enough to delete them now, I still sneak her phone when I can. But she basically guards it now I hardly ever get to.

One other thing that really bothers me is her music. Which I understand is dumb but she’s always listened to really sexual rap music. And as I said, we don’t have a great sex life, and I really struggle with mental health and self confidence. So I’ve always imagined she listens to that music imagining those rappers doing the things they are rapping about to her. I listen to really depressing music typically because I relate to it. So I just think everyone listens to what they relate to. And she surely can’t be relating that music to us. Again, I know the music thing is probably silly but it bothers me a lot. And she doesn’t listen to that type of music at all around me. I just discovered she has a playlist called ‘get it’ with songs like Embrace it by Ndotz and Guess by Charli XCX. And that sent me spiralling and it really the roundabout reason I’m making this post.

I’m not happy in life / with our relationship right now. But we have small kids and I need to be apart of their lives. And at this point most of the worries are too long ago to actually do anything about. So I don’t think leaving is an option but I don’t know what to do. Also, I do deeply care for her still despite all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t but I do love her.

I don’t really know if I have much of a question. And I know I took this in a lot of different directions. And I know it’s a lot less serious than what others have been through. But I’ve never talked about these things before or even written them down. And this alone feels like a big step for me. I guess any general advice on how to move forward or get through would be grateful appreciated. And if you read all of this, thank you.

Ah - "The Old I'm staying for the kids Mantra!"

You mated up to a person who has no respect for you or marriage vows.

You may wait her out and when she gets some integrity - have a better relationship.

get a couple of books and read:

"No More Mr. Nice Guy"
Book by Dr Robert Glover

"The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011"

Book by Athol Kay

Check out "The Healing Library" - url link on top of web page in black background block.

Suggest you get tested for STD stuff - everything

Suggest you meet with a legal consul regarding how you life will look when she rafts off with some other dude-of-the-week.

Get your finances in order and separate from your spouse.

Buckle up and/or put on your life preserver - you are in for a rough bit of "matrimonial weather."

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 10:48 AM, Wednesday, March 26th]

Hello, and welcome to SI. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that you may wish to read. Also, there are some posts that aren't pinned but have bull's eye icons that have some good information. I suggest that you read the ones that talk about recovering before you say reconciliation. The Healing Library is full of great resources.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs as there are some nasty diseases out there. If you're having trouble with depression, anxiety or sleeping, please talk to your doctor about some meds to help you through.

You know, your children will see your relationship and model their relationship on yours. Is this the type of relationship that you want your children to have when they grow up?

I suggest IC (individual counseling) for you. A betrayal trauma specialist was very helpful in my healing journey.

But two or three times a year we will have spurt of having sex for a week straight or 5/7 days in a week. And somehow this brings back more of the old feelings.

This is called love bombing and it's a manipulation tactic. Look up trauma bonding and co-dependency.

Hippo has suggested some good resources and I suggest you give them a try.

DNA test the kids,iron clad proof

But I’ve never talked about these things before or even written them down. And this alone feels like a big step for me.

This is a big, and necessary step. Congratulations! And I mean it. This is huge. You are escaping what is apparently a natural tendency to passivity - and that could be more at the root of your problems than you imagine, in terms of recovering the masculinity and agency that is your birthright.

Take all of the above advice, and with that understand you have a right to assert yourself and advocate for your needs and proper role in this relationship. Sex has been non-existent. That is unnacceptable. Your wife dismisses your concerns. That is unacceptable. You don't have to be an ass, but you can be very assertive that in order for you two to remain married these issues must be dealt with. And you must be willing to lose the marriage. What is happening right now is not good for you, and don't deceive yourself - not good for the children either. They are learning all the wrong lessons. A marriage is built on a good foundation, and part of that foundation is mutual love and respect. If the foundation isn't there, your children will not be well-served, even if you stay together. If you can rebuild the marriage from the ground up and achieve mutual love and respect, then your children will be much better off.

I should’ve known then and earlier things weren’t going to be great. But I have no backbone and hate confrontation.

Yes, and again, this is the old you that must change if you want to move forward in life and recover/rebuild/or build anew your identity.

I would not be surprised if your wife even resents you for this passivity. You are a man, and I believe you should take the initiative and reject this style in favor of asserting yourself as needed to demand and receive respect in your relationship.

It's too bad that too many of our fathers in general have not mentored us well into the world of men and marriage. So some things need to be learned or re-learned. You are now on that path as you recover your self-respect, your initiative and your agency.

If you are a believer, or open to faith, I would particularly recommend reading "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge, which deals with this strange passivity and lack of purpose, focus and mission that, it seems, we men of the last few decades have been cursed with.

Are you asking people for advice on ignoring infedility and how to continue in a faithless marriage?

I’ve always had self esteem and jealous issues
But I have no backbone and hate confrontation.

To me those two sentences are key.
See my tagline? It’s an eloquent way of saying that if you don’t change things then nothing will change. Well... not entirely correct because things can change, but not necessarily like YOU want them to. Like... it could change so she openly dates another man, or openly disrespects you, or the two of you start hating each other...
Without your input you become flotsam that simply floats where the currents take it. With no control, then maybe your future might be based on your wife wanting to leave this marriage, and with the kids.

You can impact change, and often that can lead to positive change. Be it with her or without her.

I don’t place too much value on smoke-signals like listening to a genre of music or anything like that. Doesn’t have to because she has a gangster lover or a rap-fetish. Could simply be a reflection on differing tastes or a display of how incompatible you two might be. From 15 to today, people mature and grow, and it takes effort for a couple to mature in a compatible way. Maybe even more so if the relationship starts at a young age.
There are other actions you mention that definitely are infidelity (like making out with the friend), the communications with the OM, the secrecy with the phone and the interaction with male friends.

I’m going to suggest the following:
Focus on YOU.
You can focus on your marriage once YOU are in a better place. It sounds like your main issues are past infidelities and you definitely need to deal with them, but if for now you think she’s not straying... then dealing with your relationship can be put on the backburner for a couple of weeks or months.
Get self-help books, go to support groups, therapy...
Start working out. Focus on something that makes you happy.
List your qualities. Right away I know you are a good husband (don’t stray...) and father (want to remain for the kids).

I also suggest you realize and acknowledge that you have options, and I encourage you to explore those options.

For one – you CAN divorce and it wont (necessarily) negatively impact your kids or time with kids.
Maybe the common concept of kids being best raised in a classic mom-and-pop environment should be reworded in that kids are best raised in a loving environment where those doing the raising have time for them, and show them a safe and loving environment. That can be two separate environments with divorced parents successfully coparenting. That can be with an extra step-mom, step-dad and all that.
I’m not suggesting you divorce, nor encouraging you to do so. But I think that if you knew what it really looked like it wouldn’t be as fearful as you think. Like the concept of not having your kids, when in fact you could be the prime caregiver, or have them every other week, enabling you to work your socks off the weeks they aren’t there and then spending quality time with them when they are.

I think that once you have more self-confidence and are aware of your options:
Talk to her, no change is made and you KNOW that x months from now she will cheat again and you remain in present situation – remain in unhappiness.
Talk to her, changes are made, you BOTH work at your relationship and improvements are made.
Talk to her, no change is made, no effort is made... you can cut your losses knowing that the option of D is less bad than the option of finding OM number nth.

Hello OP! I don't want to sound like a Monday morning quarterback, but why did you marry and have kids with someone that you did not fully trust? Trust is one of the most important aspect of a relationship. She will continue to walk all over you unless you stand up for yourself. You failed the test the first time you saw her text to another man. She realizes that there will be no consequences if she gets caught, just a minor inconvenience for her until she convince you to let it pass. You need to stand up for yourself for your sake and your kids. I'm sorry to say it but she will continue her behavior until you put your foot down and say enough is enough. Are you her husband or her warden? Do you want to live the rest of your life looking through her phone, being suspicious if she's where she said she'll be, etc. That's not a good way to live. You should not stay in your relationship because of your kids. Cut your losses if you really feel that she will not change.

FYI, just because there's no physical sexual contact does not mean she did or is not cheating. A married woman flirting with another man that's not her husband is cheating. Giving another person attention and willing to get attention from another man is also cheating. The intent is there!

If you have doubts about the paternity of your kids, do a DNA test.

[This message edited by Hotdog at 4:31 PM, Wednesday, March 26th]

So I’m constantly worried that someone is coming over while I’m gone or she’s having online relationships again and is smart enough to delete them now, I still sneak her phone when I can. But she basically guards it now I hardly ever get to.

I forgot to also say that this is unacceptable. Tell her that if she insists on privacy on her phone then she has something to hide - and given her past, that is unacceptable. If she continues to refuse access, then begin the process of disentangling from whatever form of infidelity she is in by implementing the 180, preparing for divorce, and insisting on counseling that addresses the earlier infidelity and that doesn’t blame you for it.

So I mentioned the past and how it still hurts me. And then she got even more upset about that and it ended up with me apologizing to her and me spending weeks in the doghouse.

DARVO.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Based on the evidence you have presented, she is also most likely a serial cheater.

In your younger days you saw who & what she was, but you were swayed by her lies.

Now as you are older & wiser you recognize your "issues" are really her being a liar. So it is quite understandable WHY you have trust issues.

She swore she won’t do it again (sexting etc.) but yet she does.

Why?

For one she thinks you will never leave her. She is certain she has you all figured out and that you won’t confront her or even ask her about her behavior.

FWIW many of us betrayed spouses were/are in the same boat. The cheater believes they have control of the situation.

The only thing I can say is nothing will change unless you change.

From experience I can tell you that after my H’s second affair and all the crap that went with it, I finally found my strength and put my foot down AND TOOK ACTION. I didn’t tell him I was D him - I actually had a plan and was taking action to do so. I was just waiting until after the Christmas holidays to file the papers.

I hope this helps you gain some confidence in yourself and know that YOU DESERVE a happy life, a loving and faithful spouse and all that goes with it.

You do not have to remain in a marriage filled with lying & cheating. You will survive a Divorce if you go that route. So Will your kids.

I’ve always had self esteem and jealous issues

But I have no backbone and hate confrontation.

Do you want to change? If so, what changes are you thinking of?

I ask because these are crucial questions. If you're satisfied as you are, so be it. If you want to change, you can. You really can change.

I understand having low self-esteem. But you're loving, lovable, and capable, and that's all any human being can be. Self-esteem SHOULD be high for all of us, but we all get our SE beaten up, and only a few recover without help.

I'd venture to say none of us like confronting issues. I believe every one of us wishes would solve themselves. The thing is: you're already confronting issues, by accepting what people do to you. There are other ways of confronting issues available to you. You get to choose which method you use.

IOW, I think you're wrong about yourself. I think you're better than you think, so I hope you do choose to change your view of yourself and thereby change your life for the better.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:39 PM, Thursday, March 27th]