My wife (28F) cheated on me (27M) and I can’t seem to cope with it

My wife and I started dating when we were both 15, so we have been together pretty much our entire lives. Through high school she still talked and flirted with a bunch of guys which always bothered me. I’ve always had self esteem and jealous issues. At our grad party kissed my best friend (who I’ve talked to like twice since). I should’ve known then and earlier things weren’t going to be great. But I have no backbone and hate confrontation.

In 2017 I found texts on her phone with another guy. Nothing had happened between them as far as I can tell. But it was a lot of ‘wishing they could be together’ because he had a girlfriend as well. Including a text that she sent that said, "my mom always told me to keep an eye out for you". I brought it up to her and of course she said it was a mistake and it wouldn’t happen again.

We got married in the summer of 2019 and in May I went on my bachelor party for 5 days, probably the longest we have ever been apart. When I got back we had some of the craziest and best sex of our entire relationship for the next two or so weeks.

We didn’t move in together until a week or so before the wedding. One night while she I was sleeping I went through her phone again because I still didn’t really trust her. Once again, found a bunch of messages with the same guy as before. This time it was much worse was a bunch of sexting and them describing what they’d like to do to each other. Most of these messages happened in the same time that we were having those crazy two weeks. She had sent messages detailing some of the things that we had done together and how she’d like to do the same / more with him. It was also clear she had been to his house and watched a movie one night but it didn’t seem like anything sexual had happened. Even though I don’t think anything physical happened, I still consider this cheating and it still messes me up to this day.

So I started packing my bags that night. I was ready to go back to my parents and call off the wedding. She woke up while I was packing and convinced me to sleep on it. Again, I have no backbone. I slept on the couch and in the middle of the night she came to make sure I hadn’t tried to sneak away. Then at that point we had what was probably our only real fight of us being together. She was trying to convince me to stay with her. And I told her right then and there that I would never be able to trust her again. She said it was purely a phone thing and she’d never do any of it in person. That she’d get rid of her phone or I could check it whenever I want. Obviously, I didn’t leave and we got married a few days later.

In 2022 she was working as a pharmacist assistant and a temporary pharmacist came from over seas, a young attractive foreign man. Over the first week or so of him being there I noticed him snapping her a lot and asked why that was. And she immediately got defensive and told me I was being silly. So I mentioned the past and how it still hurts me. And then she got even more upset about that and it ended up with me apologizing to her and me spending weeks in the doghouse.

Now in 2025, these memories still quite often come through my head, specifically the messages to the guy that she talked to twice. We don’t have a very good sex life, often going months without sex. Which that itself really bothers me. But two or three times a year we will have spurt of having sex for a week straight or 5/7 days in a week. And somehow this brings back more of the old feelings. I have just recently discovered that it’s likely because of the time in May when we were having the best sex ever and she was cheating on me. So even when things finally go good for me physically, it’s probably the worst for me mentally. Plus she is a stay at home mom and I work full time. So I’m constantly worried that someone is coming over while I’m gone or she’s having online relationships again and is smart enough to delete them now, I still sneak her phone when I can. But she basically guards it now I hardly ever get to.

One other thing that really bothers me is her music. Which I understand is dumb but she’s always listened to really sexual rap music. And as I said, we don’t have a great sex life, and I really struggle with mental health and self confidence. So I’ve always imagined she listens to that music imagining those rappers doing the things they are rapping about to her. I listen to really depressing music typically because I relate to it. So I just think everyone listens to what they relate to. And she surely can’t be relating that music to us. Again, I know the music thing is probably silly but it bothers me a lot. And she doesn’t listen to that type of music at all around me. I just discovered she has a playlist called ‘get it’ with songs like Embrace it by Ndotz and Guess by Charli XCX. And that sent me spiralling and it really the roundabout reason I’m making this post.

I’m not happy in life / with our relationship right now. But we have small kids and I need to be apart of their lives. And at this point most of the worries are too long ago to actually do anything about. So I don’t think leaving is an option but I don’t know what to do. Also, I do deeply care for her still despite all of this. Maybe I shouldn’t but I do love her.

I don’t really know if I have much of a question. And I know I took this in a lot of different directions. And I know it’s a lot less serious than what others have been through. But I’ve never talked about these things before or even written them down. And this alone feels like a big step for me. I guess any general advice on how to move forward or get through would be grateful appreciated. And if you read all of this, thank you.

11 comments posted: Wednesday, March 26th, 2025