SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here’s my story:

On a random Tuesday my husband comes down and tells me we need to talk about my best friend. I’m confused and he starts telling me that he never planned for me to know know this but she threatened to tell me and he feels it’s his responsibility to tell me…

They had several "encounters" together…

1st one happened 2 months before the wedding: she came to visit me (we live in different countries) and stayed with us. It was common for them to stay up later than me when drinking cause neither of them knows when to stop… but in this night they both went upstairs. My husband went to the bathroom and when he came out she was undressed with the door opened and he walked to the doorway…they kissed…she started taking his clothes off as well and eventually he stopped her before anything actually happened.

2nd time was several months after the wedding - I was pregnant with our first son…they again had a very drunk chat over snapchat that turned into them sending each other pics/videos

3rd time was same as last time

4th time was when she came to visit me and our newborn son…again they continued drinking and playing video games later than they should have…I was upstairs sleeping with our baby…he came up and she texted him to come down cause she needed him…he went…she asked for a cuddle as she was sad and lonely…he got in bed with her and gave her a cuddle…she placed his hand on her boob…and eventually in her pants…he gave her a handjob…once she tried to touch him he sort of realised what he was doing and got up and left…she asked for him to come down every night for the rest of his stay but he didn’t…

5th time I was now pregnant with baby n2 and they’ve exchanged pics/videos on snapchat again (this was just before last Christmas)

On Christmas Day we had a huge argument and i didn’t think we’d be able to continue as partners anymore. But it was that argument that made him pull his shit together and this year he’s been the best husband and the best father I could’ve ever asked for

He started addressing his issues with drinking and hasn’t been staying up so late which meant he was more present with us during the day.

I am at a loss about what to do next…all my logic is telling me to leave him that I need to go now before i get hurt anymore, but something is telling me we can work this out…I don’t know if I’m feeling like this because I’m pregnant and don’t want to break up the family unit - especially the one we’ve had for the last month…but I also don’t know if I’ll ever trust for him to not hurt me again

Just to add - I’ve listened to both sides of the story and my "best friend" claims that this has all happened because my husband has been giving her looks and making suggestive comments every time they met for the last 10 years (I personally don’t believe that to be true) and she eventually just gave into him…

She is not your friend. Both of them are risk takers and use alcohol to lower their boundaries. The first time anything happened he should have told you, instead they sent "pictures".

The second, third, fourth…it does not matter who touched who, they both did. Don’t believe either one of them. Start getting your plans made because this looks like a lifestyle for both of them.

This forum has had several bs go through this. I hope they will comment if they are still active on here.

Talk to a lawyer. Find out if you are able to have something for anxiety. Ask your ob/gyn.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you're here. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read, as well as those with bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

He's been the best husband for one month? That's really not very long at all. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. (I would encourage you to read them, too.)

Your friend is not your friend. I would go NC (no contact) with her and cut her out of your life. Your WH (wayward husband) goes NC as well. No more chats, no games, nothing.

He made very deliberate choices to lie and cheat. He should be in IC (individual counseling) to work on becoming a safe partner.

IC for you with somebody who has betrayal trauma experience, if you can. You aren't breaking up your family - he did that with his actions.

Sorry you're here.

Just to add - I’ve listened to both sides of the story and my "best friend" claims that this has all happened because my husband has been giving her looks and making suggestive comments every time they met for the last 10 years (I personally don’t believe that to be true) and she eventually just gave into him…

What a heaping load of horse shit.

Thank you all! I’ve been slowly making my way through the posts on here and the amount of hurt that people cause is astonishing

I told my WH that no matter what happens with us he needs to get professional care for both himself and our children. He agreed and has gone to his GP about a referral to IC mostly concentrating on his addictive and self-destructive behaviours.

He’s blocked/deleted OP on all possible socials and since she lives 2000miles away there’s no chance of in person contact. I am still writing out a message to her to send before going full NC too.

I’ve asked him to tell his parents about the situation so they can be there to support him on his healing journey. He’s done that too.

It feels like we’ve been talking more in the last week than we have in the last year…

He’s admitted to watching a fair deal of porn - which is essentially what led him to the picture exchange - he claims that in that moment it could have been anyone sending me him pictures and he’d send them back…

He has also agreed to listen to the audiobooks suggested (thank you!) and there’s a podcast on Spotify called overcoming betrayal and addiction that he’s got lined up to listen to as well.

He is really trying to make it up and get himself better. I’m going away for a week to get a break from the normal life so I can concentrate on what I want to do next.

If he's been doing a lot of porn, look into Dr. Minwalla's work and the secret sexual basement.

Porn use can be polarizing her, so take the advice you need and leave the rest.

My XWH got deeper into porn, and SO filled a fantasy. (You can read my bio for more information.)

One psychologist said that my XWH used porn to avoid working on a relationship with me.

Ma'am, I am so very sorry you are facing this revealed treason, and in the midst of a pregnancy no less. As a man, I cant think of much lower than betraying your own wife, with her "best friend" while she is carrying your child. Despicable. You need to hear that.

Full disclosure, my first wife betrayed me with my then best friend so I understand this incredibly traumatic dynamic. I cut him off forever (karma caught up with him brutally). I tried to make it work with my ww for about a decade before it all ended. Those were terribly dark years. I have since moved on with an amazing woman, my now-wife, who is also a survivor of a crushing betrayal. We have built the marriage and family Ive always dreamed of and are very very tight. So thats a thumbnail of my story. I wanted you to know because Im going to be frank with you.

First and foremost, you have no idea yet if the bio-male you married has it in him to be truly remorseful. The fact that he was doing this before your wedding and after shows me what little regard he has for his committment to you and probably holds any committment in his life very loosely. The fact that he is an alcoholic makes things far worse. He needs intensive therapy and to get himself in AA pronto. But that is all on him. You cannot and should not trust a word he says at this juncture.

Youve said a lot about him and its clear you want to believe him and I get that, but its years too soon for that. The folks here and others say that true R takes 3-5 years and that is if the traitor to the marriage shows full remorse, proven by concisistent action over much time. My first wife was nowhere near up to that task and for the character-impaired it is a near vertical climb. All that to say, he needs to take the lead and do the heavy lifting if and when you signal you are open to a reconciliation effort. He should start with reading "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", use it as a primer and stick to it like glue.

Its time to put yourself first and not just for your sake but for your babies. I had small children when it all went down and decided to stay in large part "for the kids". This was a big mistake and lead to a near decade of misery which adversely affected my children. So, take care of you. Increase your level of self care. See a good therapist, preferably someone who specializes in betrayal trauma. Confide in trusted family and friends (dont carry this burden alone), good nutrition and hydration are paramount especially since you are expecting, read on this site a lot as there are many stories similar to yours and the collective wisdom here is very helpful, and keep posting here for the same reason....it is very therapeutic.

So, again, if you choose to try, R is on him. Watch him closely and believe only his actions. His words mean nothing.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:38 PM, Tuesday, February 4th]