SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not quite two weeks out from DD#2, the implosion of my family and college age kids' lives, and starting the divorce process.

I have twenty-five years of building a family and life with my STBXH, and it's no surprise that the memories of "us" - dating, when he proposed, our wedding, being young and in love and fixing up our first house together, etc. - are incredibly painful.

But even the memories of things that weren't specifically about him - like the birth of our first child, putting my daughter on the bus on the first day of kindergarten, special times with the kids - are completely raw, too. I can handle the idea that my feelings about places and moments that were specifically about him may never bring me joy again, but I can't bear the thought of losing all joy from memories of the kids and me.

For those of you who have been through a divorce, will I ever be able to reclaim the memories of the kids and our family life? In an instant, my perspective on the last 25 years of my life changed. I'm sure I'll get to a point where the old memories don't cause pain...but will they ever bring me joy again?

They are not tarnished forever. It takes time and healing for them to bring you joy again. It took me about 2-3 years to get there.

When your child was born or you placed them on the school bus for the first time, what were your feelings? Were they authentic? Remove your STBXWH from your thought process. While his thoughts & feelings may have been questionable, you know what your feelings were at the time - and those didn't change. Your perception of what was going on around you may have changed, but your feelings didn't.

Yes, jerk-face may have been there and lying about things, but what YOU were feeling was true based on the information you had at the time.

A~

My story is in my profile and for many years I truly felt my entire relationship/marriage/experiences/life was a lie. And while I don't have children, the holidays, vacations, special milestones in both of our lives seemed meaningless. I have been divorced for just over 10 years and I can say I look back at things with a different lense. Not just one of pain or loss.

I can tell funny stories as well as stories of accomplishments. But what I don't do is bad mouth him. I don't think I really ever did, except in the very early months...I'm sure. People close to me know why our marriage ended. That's enough.

So yes, I think you will eventually be able to filter out the ugly and refocus on the joy of your children, special events, etc. He will eventually be more of a 'foot note' in your memories vs. the 'headliner' persay.

Take care.

I don’t think they are tainted forever. Changed - maybe, but not tarnished.
For a few years, I hated telling stories b/c I didn’t want to use "we" and it felt wrong to use "me". And as I healed, that went away.
I am okay with what we did and experienced together. How I felt was true and real and authentic. How he felt- well, who knows. But this is HIS problem, not mine. My experience was exactly that - my experience.

And maybe there is a tiny bit of melancholy left with some things (less than 1% - very small amount) but overall it is all good. I had a good life- we had a good life together. (Until the A, but you knew that already )

Think of it this way. If you have siblings, you will recognize that although you have the same history on the surface, it was very different for each of you. Different perspective, different ages, different personalities and desires — different people. So even without infidelity, you had a different experience than your H just because you are different people. So accept your version — because it is YOUR experience.

You are still smarting from DD#2, so be gentle with yourself. You will heal. You will be okay. It won’t hurt like this forever.

Yes, you will be able one day to look back and be happy for those moments without the taint of infidelity trauma.

It's not going to happen right away. But I easily can see old pictures when unpacking and only feel the happiness now, even the ones with the ex in them. I smile, relive the nostalgia, and sometimes I even feel pity for the ex. He lost someone pretty amazing and it really is completely his loss. Then the thought fades because I'm more consumed with how I felt in that moment with the kids or friends or relatives in the picture. My ex could be a really funny guy sometimes too. I can remember the laughter he gave me. Just because he was disingenuous, doesn't mean i was. I own my feelings just like he'll have to own his.

I hope this helps. For now, be gentle with yourself. It's hard getting back up and moving forward when someone blindsides you and knocks you on your ass. Take all the time you need to heal. Healing is NOT linear. You'll have good days and bad. When you think you're finally doing OK, the Rollercoaster ride will dip. As time goes on, you'll have more and more good days and eventually the dips will end.
ETA: I ended up moving after the divorce. I had to downsize from a big home with large yard to a small apartment. All the boxes with pictures ended up in storage for about 2-3 years before indulged them out and started going through them. When I finally got around to unpacking them and seeing them after a 3 year break, it wasn't painful anymore. You might want to consider packing away the most triggering pictures for a while. When you're ready, unpack them. You'll be surprised at how much it no longer bothers you.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 8:09 AM, Saturday, January 11th]

Right now your memories are awash with hurt and anger. I felt that way too. But I no longer do. I've been divorced for more than 30 years. The memories I have now are great ones. He died suddenly a year and a half ago, and to my own surprise I cried.

I've come to realize I had great times with him, and did things I would have never gotten to were it not for him. Yes there were bad times, and he left me for the OW and married her. But that didn't negate all those wonderful times. When he died, our daughter was afraid to talk to me about it because she said I hated him, so I wouldn't care that he was gone. I said "How can I hate him? He gave me you."

It took a long time to get there but it's a much better place to be. But you are brand new to this so you have every right to feel the way you do.