SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We have a routine of sorts, a bit of TV in the evening before bed. Either series or movies depending on time. I noticed he kept choosing horror movies/shows. At first I thought it was because Halloween was approaching, but it has continued. My thinking now is that it is because it’s less likely to have A’s in the story line. We’ve watched stuff with affairs and it makes me so sad I sometimes cry. One movie was particularly bad because the details were so similar to what he did. At one point I told him watching A’s on TV was horrible. I guess he listened!

Not many people know about his A. So when someone starts talking about what their X did to them, or what their friend is going through, and how anyone could stay with their cheating spouse is beyond their comprehension…. It sucks. I feel like crawling into a hole.

A’s are everywhere, they cannot be avoided.

My question: how do you deal with these situations?

For a long time, I didn't watch movies unless I knew them and that infidelity wasn't involved (for several years). I watched a lot of cooking shows. It kept me from having TV Tourette syndrome - when infidelity did come up in a show, I couldn't help but yell profanities.

As for people saying they couldn't stay, just add the phrase "until it happens to you" to the end . They don't really know until it happens to them. I would not put any value in their words. And the person who said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" was lying. I recognize that the words hurt, but they're also coming from a place of ignorance. If we were from the South, this would be a Bless their heart scenario.

A’s are everywhere, they cannot be avoided.

My question: how do you deal with these situations?

Ahhh, so true.

My wife watches that stupid show Hoarders. One episode we were watching a few weeks back had cheating as a central theme. Husband was in an active affair with a coworker and the couple were staying with this "friend" when they got evicted. I found it VERY uncomfortable to watch (beyond all the normal "hoarder filth"). My wife seemed somewhat "unaware" but maybe she felt acknowledging the discomfort would break her "rugsweeping spell".

Even shows you would think this wouldn’t come up, BOOM, there it is. I had starting watching "Rescue HI Surf" because I have always loved the North Shore of Hawaii and surfing (it is very Baywatchesque, however). One of the main storylines now is the main character and her affair with her engaged ex……..yay.

The other thing where this pops up all time is music. I never really noticed before but probably one out of every 10 songs you hear is about cheating. I have started listening to more country musics lately and it’s probably 1 out of 3 (or more). I just made a trip to the dump (a 15 minute round trip) and heard "Stay" by Sugarland (song from the POV of the other woman), "I told you so" by Keith Urban and "Cheater, Cheater" by Joey and Rory. I had never heard the last one before. At least I got a laugh from the lyrics:

"Now I'm not one to judge someone that I ain't never met
But to lay your hands on a married man's bout as low as a gal can get
Hey I wish her well and she rots in hell and you can tell her I said so
Cheater cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash hoe

Loser loser hope you love her cause your stuck with her now
Take your sorry butt load up all your stuff and get the hell out of my house
but I just wish you'd tell me this one thing before you go
Tell me cheater cheater where'd you meet that no good white trash hoe."

Honestly, (and somewhat sadly), I’m pretty numb to seeing it in shows, movies or hearing it in songs. I’ve thought about it every day for the past 2 1/2 years anyway. I don’t have to see or hear it in media to be reminded. I have a living, breathing reminder in my house 24/7……

Oddly, I find comfort in watching the OW’s heartbreak as she in discarded.

leafields, glad I’m not alone in this TV thing! It’s so hard to watch anything. And yes, everyone’s situation is different, but it’s still so hard to listen to people complain about a WS. Gotta let it go. PS, I’m in WA too!

ImaChump, Just got back from running errands and I think I heard 3 songs with A’s in them too. Glad I’m not alone in this, but I’m wondering if this every gets better. And yes, I agree, we are living everyday with the A’s in our houses. Sometimes it’s all I see when I look at him. I get so disgusted it kills me just a little bit more each time. Ugg. Thanks for your response.

OnTheOtherSideOfHell, Ha, I kind of love this! I am going to try to take this approach. Do you make eye contact with or look at WS, or just keep watching the telly?

Possumlover,

I don’t intentionally make eye contact, nor do I try to avoid it. I mostly laugh and make loud comments about stupid delusional women who are okay being a side dish and the idiots who find attention from such trash exciting. He usually gets up at that point. 😂😂😂I’ll never understand how anyone could be okay sleeping with someone knowing they are going home and doing the same thing with their spouse. 🙄 So I find their pathetic broken hearts hilarious.

I suppose A’s in movies/shows don’t bother me to the point where I’m heavily triggered. It’s truly nothing more than a passing thought. However, if my WH is in the room, I might make a snarky remark such as, "wow, what a POS hey?"

I watch a lot of true crime and surprise surprise, there is next to always a scorned spouse or lover involved in the murder. I also make comments (if he’s in the room) , "man, you sure got off easy with me."

Honestly, what triggers me more are "happy" movies/shows where a husband and wife are living happily ever after, raising the picture perfect family. This type of scenario brings me into my own reality that I don’t have this and wondering if I ever will

I think what gets me the most is hearing/seeing "real" people talk about infidelity and the ol "once a cheater always a cheater analogy. Whether it’s from stangers on the internet or family/friends who don’t know … it’s kinda tough to push down.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 9:33 PM, Thursday, November 28th]

Honestly it infuriates me…..the normalizing ……I see it everywhere and makes me feel like what the F*@k is up with our misogynistic world? Im so over it…

Possumlover,

I’m 6 1/2 years post DDay but I have a very vivid memory of going to a movie starring Blake Lively, with WH and crying through most of the movie. Ugh. Honestly, we avoided a lot of movies for a few years. I feel like time was what made it better. I still don’t like watching affairs in movies but it’s not as painful now.

Hugs!!

veryhurt2018, oh gosh, I can’t imagine going to a theater and having to watch an A on the big screen! Yikes. Might be why we don’t go to the movies much. haha I’m glad it has gotten better for you, I hope it will for me too. I see it took you 5 years to heal. That makes me sad and happy at the same time. I wish you all the best.

SatyaMom, I know, I feel like A’s are so normal now. But I also think it’s just become so normal to talk about it as well. I have a feeling - aging myself here (born in ’71) - but people didn’t talk about them much in the past. I was very disappointed in my father when after I told him about what WH did, one of his responses was "men will be men, it happens in the workplace… blah blah blah". He was born in 1935 and I didn’t have the heart to ask my mom about what he meant as she was not doing well and has since passed away. It’s a huge bummer that it is so "normal" now.

I was on a true crime/horror/disney binge for a couple of years to avoid it. Early years, it was enormously triggering. Certain movies still get me a bit weepy. But, the topic in general just makes me say to myself that people can be assholes now. I still haven’t forgiven Alan Rickman for betraying Emma Thompson in Love Actually….or the producers for making it seem like an A is nothing

[This message edited by Ladybugmaam at 2:41 PM, Wednesday, December 4th]

I am a WW, but I can talk on behalf of my BH about how he handles that. He is a man who is very much in touch with his feelings and when he is in pain he doesn't seek to avoid it, but rather go straight through it.

That being said, although it can be extremely triggering, he has chosen to download films we can watch together that depict infidelity and affairs. Of course, he doesn't do that all the time nor does he seek to perpetuate his pain, but he doesn't avoid it on purpose and he has a more investigative approach towards this subject and the psychological and emotional factors at play either before, during or after infidelity.

To be honest, his approach has helped me to stop avoiding painful feelings and situations (I have been diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, so avoiding was what I did best) and motivated me to keep going through the pain and feel all the feelings.

[This message edited by Mage at 11:19 PM, Friday, December 6th]

I avoided shows and songs like that for a long time. And like heartbroken wife, it was almost harder to watch shows and movies with happy relationships/romances. Those feelings haven’t fully gone away, but they’ve faded a lot by this point (I’m four+ years out from Dday). Nowadays when I see something and the sad or traumatized feelings come, I just let them wash over me like a wave and then move along with the show. That is, unless it glorifies infidelity. No bridges of Madison county for me. To be fair, I never really liked those kinds of story lines even before my husband had an affair.

Last year I found myself watching the movie Good Grief by myself one night. It has some really heavy infidelity content. But it was a beautiful movie in a lot of ways. I just let myself cry, and it was ok, or even good. It was kind of a watershed moment for me in terms of watching stuff with content related to betrayal.

If you’re like me you’ll get there eventually; it just takes a while.

There's an episode of Black Mirror that came out shortly after dday for me. It would *still* trigger me of I saw it again.

I’ll never understand how anyone could be okay sleeping with someone knowing they are going home and doing the same thing with their spouse. 🙄

Most women believe the cheating husband is not having sex with their spouse. That’s what the CH tells them and they stupidly believe it.

Most betrayed spouses are:

Annoying
Make crazy rules or boundaries so the cheater never has any fun (as told to the AP by the cheating spouse)
Doesn’t love the cheater
Doesn’t talk to the cheater
Doesn’t work
Is a lazy slob

You get the idea. They(the AP) believe the lies our cheating spouses tell them.

I am a year and 5 months post DDay. I've been avoiding music as I find many songs triggering (I haven't been aware of so many songs being about infidelity before). When it comes to movies, it depends. I left the theatre when the scene with the mistress popped up in Oppenheimer, it was just too much for me at that point. As for TV shows at home, I usually sit through the scene, but feel anxious and angry at the very sound of my WH breathing. I just hate the fact that the infidelity has changed the way I perceive music, movies, everyday life.
I also declined a friend's invitation to a play - it's about a married man and a woman who both cheat on their spouses and meet only once a year on the same date to enjoy their everlasting love!

It's sucks but I tend have alot more empathy around it and in what seems like a nano second I tend to reflect on everything I've learned about affairs. I always hated infidelity and was not fond of cheaters, but at times I used to make excuses for the cheater.

I don't do that anymore. It's much more analytical now when I see it on TV. I'm like good lord what a mess to clean up. No this wasn't a mistake. How they hell do they enjoy living this double life 😒 There is nothing romantic about this trash. That cheater has alot of work to do to become a safe partner for anyone 🤣

In what used to be my field, there is some essential and fascinating stuff that everybody in the field needs to read. It is an amazing piece of scholarship, both in breadth and depth. It's a product of a guy who was M and openly kept a mistress, whom he married after his W died.

I wish I could bring myself to read it.

Nowadays when I see something and the sad or traumatized feelings come, I just let them wash over me like a wave and then move along with the show.

This is a much more descriptive way of saying what I usually say: to heal, a BS 'needs to process the feelings out of their body.' I hope I remember it.

I agree on not watching shows that glorify infidelity. The movie about the annual meeting of the cheaters turned me off the actors.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:27 PM, Sunday, December 8th]