SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok i know what your thinking, I'm a loser because I cheated. I deserve what I get right? Well, before I cheated there was a lot going on prior to that. I pushed my wife to theater her career and always supported her since day one and paid for all her expenses since our children were born. She was so frustrated with her schooling to a point where she brought it home everyday. Coming home yelling at me and the kids for no reason when covid first started becoming really bad and then eventually we all went into quarantine. Now, I was never that husband who expected dinner on the table or the house clean when I got home from work. I paid the mortgage for 10 years on my own while I paid for her schooling and supported her. We stopped having sex or any romantic experiences at all. I'm tired, I'm not in the mood ect.. .at this point I was not In a good spiritual or mental place. One day I went to one of my friends party and had a great time getting out of my head. A couple of days later my friend said that hey, I know that your struggling but there is this girl that was at the party that thought you was Super cute. I told him that I was married and I couldn't talk to any girls. He said he told her what I was going through at the time and I said why bro? He said that he was just trying to help me out. A few days later I received a message on my Instagram from this girl and she was super nice and supportive to my situation. I responded by saying thanks I appreciate it. Then we continued to communicate via Messenger. We slowly got closer as time when by because she mad eme feel wanted and was extremely comforting. Long story short we ended up having an affair and immediately I felt like a piece of Crap. I ended it afyer a month cause I just couldn't continue being disloyal and deceitful it was eating away at me. Anyways, one day she went on my computer and saw one of the messages that she sent me and that was it. It's never been the same since. I got honest with her because I loved her enough to come clean because I made a huge mistake and we almost got divorced but we managed to pull through and go to counseling. Since then I have been 100% loyal and supportive to all her feelings and told her tat I live with that guilt everyday and widh that I could take it back but I can't. All I could do was show her that I meant it and I did in so many ways and she forgave me. 4 years later she suddenly without any warning says that she wants us to separate for a little while. I'm like WTF where is this coming from? We were doing great and now this out of nowhere? Now I'm here thinning what am I going to do, I don't want our family to separate because they are my world. Now I know what I did was wrong but I regret it everyday and make a commitment to make ammends and reinforcing our marriage. We were doing great I bought us a new beautiful house, vacations ect.. I live with this pain everyday and I know that I made the biggest mistake in my life but if I didn't love her I wouldn't be here trying my absolute best to make it all up to her. I've dedicated my life to make it up to her and support her feelings when they arrived, but now here I am hurting. I know I'll get backlash, well you deserve it and you cause this and I can't agree more and I've accepted that but when someone is truly sorry and hurt for what they did it and wants to make us right again like myself doesn't that count for anything? Well, thanks for listening and feel free to take your shots at me for what I did but, I know that I asked God's forgiveness and hers and we all make mistakes but being honest and willing to make it right counts for something. Let's see what happens I guess.

It’s entirely possible that despite her best efforts the pain of your choices is too much for her to get over and stay with you. It’s also possible that she is as disillusioned with your current marriage as you were when you chose to start cheating. Instead of cheating she is doing the right thing and getting out…. Or, maybe she is thinking what’s good for the goose is good for the gander and has her own side snack. Regardless, you need to honor her wishes.

I’m sure others will be along to offer some more thought-out advice, but I just wanted to chime in quickly. You sound exactly like my WH (Wayward Husband) … I had to reread your post and do a double take (no, you’re not him … but his mindset is very much like yours - very "optimistic … as your username implies).

We are only 13 months out from Dday and while my WH (like you) feels like a bag of shit everyday for what he’s done, he’s moving mountains to prove he can be a safe and trusting partner, he’s 110% remorseful for his actions and reinforces that he loves his family and wants nothing more then to be devoted to the marriage … as a BW (Betrayed Wife) this is my reaction to these post-affair efforts of his …"🙄🤷🏻‍♀️"

Are you familiar with the saying "the damage is done?" More or less that is exactly what happened the moment you decided to cross that line by entering into an A (Affair). Unfortunately, when a BS (Betrayed Spouse) is offered the sky, the moon and the stars from their WS (Wayward Spouse) there is nothing appealing about this offer in the aftermath of an A.

Has your wife given you any explanation for wanting this separation? Has she communicated if it’s A related or for a different non-A related reason? If she hasn’t communicated the reasoning for this seemingly "out of the blue" separation, you need to have a discussion and hear her out. Possibly MC (Marriage Counseling) could be beneficial to help guide this?

Even though it’s been 4 years and everything appears to be unicorns and rainbows, unfortunately doesn’t mean that it is. Your wife very well could have just decided that your A was in fact a dealbreaker. Regardless of what happens next, it is important you continue to support her feelings and decisions.

Best of luck to the both of you as you navigate this next piece.

Welcome to SI. The Healing Library is located at the top of the page. Also, there is a forum for WS (wayward spouses) that has some posts pinned to the top that you might find helpful.

It sounds like you could use some IC (individual counseling) to help you deal with the shame so you can be free of it.

Sorry, I agree with the other posters. Sometimes the A is a dealbreaker and it just took her that long to realize it.

Yes, you broke your marriage. I won't be calling you names but you sound exactly like my WW. I think you can't fathom the damage that you've done because you will never be in the BS shoes. WS just can't, even when they're genuinely empathetic (and they are not, for the most).

if I didn't love her I wouldn't be here trying my absolute best to make it all up to her. I've dedicated my life to make it up to her and support her feelings when they arrived, but now here I am hurting.

Seriously, wake up. It's not about you AT ALL. I'm sorry but the efforts you made don't matter, the decision is hers. A broken marriage can't be fixed. If she decided to D 4 years after, it is because the dust just settled (read about POLF) and she understood your A was a dealbreaker for her.

Another thing is you didn't come clean, she had to find out for herself. This alone is very hard to overcome, I went through this myself.

we all make mistakes but being honest and willing to make it right counts for something. Let's see what happens I guess.

This alone is an insult to every BS. Stop with the self pity, this is NOT a mistake. You were very aware of what you were doing, every step of the way. You are still pretty much self-centered and self-indulging as every WS.

I'm also currently at year 4 post-A, and I'm really contemplating divorce. Hell if my finances were better I'd be out the door already. Your wife took 4 years to come to the conclusion your couple was done, now the only right thing to do for you is leave her alone and give her peace.

And go to IC, as Leafields said, if you don't want to break another person's heart and mind.

[This message edited by iamjack at 8:08 AM, Wednesday, November 20th]

Has she told you why she wants to separate?

Not all affairs lead to divorce, not all marriages that do not experience infidelity last.
Your wife might have a dozen reasons for wanting this separation, one of them being that despite some (possible) change in you, she still thinks you aren’t what she wants.
I think it would do you a lot of good to talk seriously with her about WHY she wants to separate.
You also need to understand what the goal is with the separation. It is to get breathing and thinking space, or is it just a kind way of easing into divorce?
You two need to be clear on finances and obligations during this period – including how you two will bear the extra cost of maintaining two homes.
Then you need to have the rules in place: Can you date during this period? Have "friends" and so on... In our experience on this site – and keep in mind this is an infidelity site – the real meaning behind "I want to separate" is "I want to date my new boyfriend/girlfriend"...

Having said all that...
A lot in your post sounds like you still have a lot of work to do... Having an affair is never a "mistake". Like you deliberately went through a process to end up in an affair, and it went from emotional onwards over some time. Calling it a mistake is like Ted Bundy claiming he might have been "overenthusiastic" with his "hobby". It’s minimizing and making little of what you did.
Not saying this to beat you down. You deserve kudos for ending the affair and acknowledging your part in it. But if you are presenting this as a "mistake" to your wife... well... that might be one reason she’s moving on.

I agree with the OP; do you know 'why' she is asking for this? It may have everything to do with your A (just can't get past it) or nothing to do with it. I think this needs to be your first step so you can have a plan to go forth with.

I did notice there is a lot of "I" in your post regarding your marital assets:

I pushed my wife to theater her career and always supported her since day one and paid for all her expenses since our children were born.

I paid the mortgage for 10 years on my own while I paid for her schooling and supported her.

I bought us a new beautiful house, vacations ect.

I understand you are the breadwinner of the household but this would grate on me since the marriage is a partnership regardless on who is providing financial stability.

Are you in IC? I know you mentioned marital counseling but have you (or are you) in counseling just for yourself? I think it would help you tremendously navigate this.

I did not look to see if you have posted in the Waywards forum; but it not, it is definitely worth a look. There is a lot in your post on your views of your A they can help with.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is sucky to navigate but SI is a tremendous resource, even when we are not ready to hear what they have to say. I have been on both sides of the fence and sometimes it takes a little while for the advise to reasonate but keep it in the back of your mind (even when you don't agree at the moment).

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 1:49 PM, Wednesday, November 20th]

I suggest reading https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/324250/things-that-every-ws-needs-to-know/. How does what you do match up with what is recommended in the 1st post on that thread?

I agree with the above recos to 1) talk with your W and 2) work with a good IC, if only to reach some peace with your W's decision.

And I strongly urge you to ask the mods to move this thread to the Wayward Side forum. You can do this with a 'mod, please' thread. (A thread, not a post on this thread.

Your attitude may be contributing. When you apologize and strive to make restitution you don't add a "but." Well, I cheated but this and this and this and that.

I was in a horrible marriage. No sex, not even once in over 2 years. He refused to even touch me, no hugs, no tenderness at all. He was emotionally abusive and had started becoming physically abusive. He told me constantly that I was worthless. He wasn't just "grumpy." I'm a pretty woman, or was a decade ago when this was all going on, and working in a male dominated environment. There were plenty of gorgeous, attentive men around me hitting on me all of the time. So by your attitude, I was entitled to cheat so long as I felt guilty afterwards. Yet, I never cheated. I knew cheating wasn't going to fix anything.

What i did do was start coming up with an exit plan. I actively started revamping my resume. I looked at finances and started looking for apartments in the state I wanted to love too, became more diligent at saving, looked at divorce attorney rates, etc. I came up with a date in my head (the day after I would be sending off the youngest to college) several months off as the drop dead date that he had to get his head out of his ass and start actively treating me better and working on fixing what he was breaking.

A shitty partner isn't even close to an excuse to cheat.

It's like a bank robber saying they're truly sorry, if they could go back in time and take it back, but they were broke so everyone has to understand why they brandished a weapon in people's faces. Do you think you'd believe that they were really sorry and emotionally strong enough to make changes?

It's all those explanations you gave that show how sorry you aren't. So what happens next time your wife gets grumpy? What happens if she gets seriously sick? Will you seek out outside validation? What about when she hits menopause and is sick half the time with headaches, hot flashes, etc.?

And maybe she was always going to eventually leave because cheating was a dealbreaker, but your entitled attitude won't help.

I understand you grieving the end of your marriage, but you come off as entitled. Not once did you ask anyone how to best support your wife in the divorce due to the damage you caused. Instead, you're venting me me me. After how hard I worked, she's still leaving ME ME ME.

I'm not taking swings at you. I'm really not. I'm trying to help you see where your attitude isn't helping your wife feel safe after you amputated part of her soul. If your wife posted in reconciliation telling us everything that you said, everyone would be telling her that this is NOT what remorse looks like and that, until you changed your entitlement, you aren't a safe partner to extend the gift of reconciliation.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 9:53 PM, Monday, November 25th]