SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello 👋

New here. Been browsing the forums for a few days. Need advice, opinion, feedback… something.

Backstory:
Discovered my WH was having an affair in March 2022. The affair began Sept/Oct 2021. Got trickle truth for about a month. He had previous wayward activities that I also discovered and some I was already aware of but thought had stopped but had not.

We’ve been married 14 years and have 3 children.

The affair started while I was away at a religious retreat for counseling to handle life struggles as well as marriage troubles. We hired a nanny. The nanny was my MIL’s personal assistant.

I returned from the counseling excited to create in life and my marriage and over the course of months was gas lit, met with hostility, and I spun out emotionally thinking something was really wrong with me.

WH asked for a divorce in March. The next day I asked him is he was having an affair with the nanny. He confirmed.

The years leading up to this I had lost my libido and had a lot of trouble feeling passionate. It was crushing to myself as well as our marriage. I requested marriage counseling and personal counseling from my husband but he refused or rejected it every time. He would get quite angry at me often and I only recently realized I had become afraid of him. I didn’t think he’d physically hurt me but his anger and insults hurt.

Additionally I discovered I had a major hormone issue which I recently found a solution for and am much more at ease. Prior to that I was in constant pain, fatigue, and brain fog.

It’s been almost 3 years since the affair started and we are working on reconciliation. It seems the more time passes the more I feel like a fool. When I first discovered it I think I was operating in shock still and desperate to keep the marriage together. But over the years he has definitely made improvements but I don’t feel like there is much remorse and he has inferred that it’s my fault. When I bring that up he gets upset with me and says he never said it was my fault and that I keep hanging onto that but then turns around and points out how I did have responsibilities in my lack of passion. Which just makes me think he blames me but words it indirectly.

My MIL has remained very close friends with the OW and despite my and my WH’s requests to not bring up her name she does, and in fact cried to me for 5 minutes on the phone when she let her go as an assistant. She also invited her to a house party and didn’t tell us. I had to ask my husband to ask her the day before the party. That was hell to endure as my WH flew in to be there while the kids and I stayed home. He needed to be there because he was saying goodbye to his home he grew up in. I didn’t have the heart to take that away but I was furious with my MIL. He defends her when I bring this up and tho he says he isn’t he also defends the OW when I bring up that I view her as an enemy to our family. She has been a trusted family friend for near 2 decades and wanted my husband to leave me for her.

Right now I’ve withdrawn from the marriage a bit. I don’t know how to be at peace with it all and feel like my husband has more work to do to mend what has been broken.

I wrote this shaking a bit and may have typos and data missing. Please feel free to point those out if needed. Any feedback is much appreciated.

Hi, ragingturtle. I'm sorry you have reason to be here, but I'm glad you found SI.

My initial reaction is that it seems like in your determination to reconcile, you've not been advocating for yourself and you've likely been tolerating nonsense from your H in order to stay in the marriage. You can't reconcile with someone who blames you for their bad behavior.

I don’t feel like there is much remorse and he has inferred that it’s my fault. When I bring that up he gets upset with me and says he never said it was my fault and that I keep hanging onto that but then turns around and points out how I did have responsibilities in my lack of passion. Which just makes me think he blames me but words it indirectly.

This is like a rapist blaming his victim for wearing a miniskirt. It doesn't matter what YOU were doing, he made the choice to cheat. He could have responded in many other ways, from trying to help you figure it out to asking for a divorce, but he didn't. He chose to cheat and now he needs to own that or you really can't reconcile. You can stay together, sure, but if he doesn't own his own behavior and demonstrate some honesty or integrity, true emotional intimacy is forever doomed.

I was furious with my MIL. He defends her when I bring this up and tho he says he isn’t he also defends the OW when I bring up that I view her as an enemy to our family.

You're right - the OW is an enemy to your family, and your H defended her instead of affirming to you that you're the most important thing to him. He's not on your team right now. He doesn't have your back. Your MIL is an asshole, and also an enemy to your marriage.

Right now I’ve withdrawn from the marriage a bit. I don’t know how to be at peace with it all and feel like my husband has more work to do to mend what has been broken.

I think this is wise. I don't think that anyone would be at peace with what's been going on in your marriage. Have you checked out the Healing Library? You can't make him change, but you can start setting some boundaries.

SacredSoul

Your words made me tear up. Everything you said has been how I see it and how I feel. I think my mistake is the rug sweeping and desperation to keep the marriage. I don’t think he has any concern about losing me. That hurts.

I really appreciate your response. I realized just this morning that despite his days of being kind and caring I need to stick to my withdrawal. We had a blow up fight on Sunday and I sent him to sleep on the couch. The next day he was very kind and respectful and helpful and I felt myself wanting to just be with him but history tells me it won’t stick.

I so easily get woo’d. I need to work on myself on this.

I should have pushed harder for MC over the years so now I will. He seems to be in agreement with it now.

And yes, outside of my this situation and my personal relationship with my MIL she is a badass and a caring person. Her attitude toward this situation is very upsetting and confusing.

The OW is two-faced. She "tried" to repair it with me but acted like a victim and then sent me a plaque with a quote about finding the silver lining in life’s challenges. I about lost my sh*t.

I’m rambling now. It feels so good to talk about. I’ve kept this pretty quiet so in addition to the immediate problems I find myself with no one to talk to aside from my H and he occilates between being tired of it, stoicism, and occasionally caring.

Anyway, thank you. So much.

Your plan to withdraw and Sacred's advice to shore up your boundaries are, imo, where your efforts should be focused.

Focus on you.

Therapy for you with a trauma specialist is very helpful.

Confide in a friend or two for support.

Get out and do things that feel good to you whether that is walking, going to the gym, sitting in a coffee shop, losing yourself in a good book, whatever. It doesn't matter. But spending time on yourself will help grow your strength.

Journaling can help. Meditation can be useful too. Things that calm you, things that focus on YOUR thoughts and feelings.

Shore up those boundaries. What would that look like for you? Total transparency is one most of us believe strongly in. No contact with AP. Consider how much or how little you want your MIL in your life right now. These are things (or anything else you think of) you deserve so you can preserve your peace and focus on healing.

From what you've described, it sounds like he doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve. What boundaries can you place around that? Personally, I'd ask him to sleep in the guest room for now. He doesn't deserve the privilege of sharing your bed. Stop wife'ing him too. He can manage his own meals and laundry. This isn't about punishing him. This is about you not being treated with the dignity a wife deserves. It's also about you getting rest so you can heal and make decisions about your own happiness. Don't get weighed down taking care of him right now. Take care of you.

None of these things need to be done in anger. You can calmly assert yourself. Again, you're not punishing him. You need space and energy to heal yourself. You absolutely deserve that.

SerJr wrote a post with a title something like 'Everyone needs to reconcile - with themself.' IIRC, one of his points is that reconciling with yourself will allow you to make good decisions about other things in your life.

R takes 2. You have to work together to define and create an M that brings a lot of joy and contentment to both of you.

The cheating hurt you. You need to start and keep healing from the damage before you can effectively participate in building your new M. That may bring up other issues that you need to heal from. It's not easy work, but it's immensely worth the effort.

Your WS needs to start and keep healing the pain that they tried to avoid by cheating that's very hard work. They can't do the work of R otherwise.

The BS heals the BS.
The WS heals the WS.
Together they heal/build/rebuild the M.

You can't R alone. At this point, your WS doesn't seem to be participating. That's why folks are telling you to focus on yourself. If you do your own healing, you prepare yourself for a good life, with or without a partner.

Im so sorry you are here :(

This sounds like an awful situation for you. The one thing I heard over and over when my betrayal happened is that there has to be 100% accountability on the part of the WS, zero contact with OW and a FULL disclosure and accountability- and yes REMORSE. . It doesn’t sound like any of that is happening.

Personally, the MIL- very disrespectful. She is making efforts to keep the OW in your lives. BS saying goodbye to his childhood home and being put in room with OW? NO….hard no. "I didn’t have the heart to take that away from him"….I just dont understand that. He had the heart to betray, lie and disregard you. PLEASE consider IC. Find your strength. Your situation doesn’t sound good— it’s not your job to sacrifice yourself when you have done nothing wrong.

I’ll keep checking in…..again, IM so sorry you are going through this :(