SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't posted before, although I've been reading and using advice from other people’s stories for months.
I don't (think) my WH has ever had a PA but has worn me down for 24 yrs with a vile, obsessive pornography addiction that just got worse and worse. Constant broken promises to change.
Lied and lied and reduced me to a shell of shattered self esteem.
He became obsessed with "teen" pornography.
Makes me want to vomit typing that word.
He didn't even stop when our then teenaged daughter found his search history.
June 24 last year, after he'd already ruined out trip of a lifetime with his sullen, moody behaviour, I saw something on his phone and broke into a million pieces. He was desperate not to divorce, went straight into IC and was a changed man for about 6 months.
Then the mask began to slip and he's said some terrible, cruel things including on the anniversary of our sons death.
I kicked him out for a couple of weeks but let him back on promises of change.
All this time I've been utterly traumatised. The rage, tears and repulsion just pours out and he's not coping with me. I can't hold it in. I don't sleep. I've isolated myself completely. Fortunately the children are adults, out of home.
I'm in IC (already was because of other trauma) and doing EMDR.
I just can't pull myself out of this breakdown. I've never been so mentally sick in my life.
That's the long background to what happened yesterday.
I was in an absolute trauma spiral. He lost his cool spectacularly and there was toxic verbal aggression on both sides. Then he loomed over me right in my face and wouldn't move.
He's much bigger than me and it was like I was back in my first marriage which was full of DV.
Something kicked in and I said, in a weirdly calm voice "if you touch me, I'll smash your face in"
He lost it and packed up his stuff, yelling he was going to divorce me because I'm horrible.
I (stupidly) followed him to his study where he was packing. I was just so furious at the irony that HE was leaving me. All along he's promised he wouldn't do this.
And then he pushed me. Not hard, i don't have injuries apart from a sore arm and shoulder.
But he's never laid hands on me before.
Then he went. When I told him by txt he'd hurt me, he replied "unlikely" when he knows I never lie.
I'm home alone. Been up all night.
I don't think I can ever get over his disgusting sexual acting out, the cold and dismissive way he's treated me for years (including not sleeping with me for a 7 year period)
But I've been trying SO hard.For 13 months. It's out silver wedding anniversary in two weeks ffs.
But now he's laid hands on ne, that's it isn't it? He's not safe emotionally or mentally and now not physically.
If I had a dollar for every apology and promise I'd be a rich woman.
Divorce is going to mean penury for me.
I can't work due to disability.
I don't know what I want from this long post (there's so much more I could add)
Just a kick up the ass or a kind word. Anything so I don't feel so alone. I'm in pieces.

No. Once they lay hands on you It should wake you up to who they are. I definitely think that you need, not should, leave now.

And honestly, what exactly is it about this dude that is so great? He is not safe, he never will be safe.

And yes I’m a guy, but I know very well what you are going through. Go NC with him immediately. Sounds like your kids are grown, so all further discussion needs to be through a lawyer.

When you ask that question, it feels like you are looking for confirmation of what you already know/feel.

I am so sorry.

"Hellisnothalffull" i know you're right.
I know I'm going through codependency and trauma bonding. Lord knows I've read enough about that now.
And when i say no PA, I have witnessed inappropriate flirting and intimate physical touch by him to other women many times. Long, tight hugs and swinging them around (hes a big guy) and caught him giving a friend a "foot massage " in his lap.
Can't believe I'm finally admitting this crap. Haven't told anyone.
Just tried to ignore it as it wasn't full-on sexual. I've become this pathetic creature. I'm unrecognisable ftom the confident young woman he married.
I think I only broke last year because subconsciously I realised I didn't have a family to hold together any more.
I appreciate your blunt words.
"BearlyBreathing" you're spot on.
I'm devastated and thankyou for responding. Just no clue what to do next.
And apologies I haven't worked out how to tag people here.

I am sorry for what you are going through, and trust me I know the feeling of trying to write it off as an excuse. Of trying to justify him laying hands on you. For me, as a man, my logic was oh it didn’t really hurt and she is just mad. And I admit it’s different for me in that I am not threatened by her, vs you where your WH is so much larger and physically stronger than you are. Be safe. He will likely do one of two things. Either he will degrade you and blame you for his actions, or he will go over the top love bombing and saying how sorry he is. Both are lies. It’s why I say go NC, you don’t need the head games that will be the next move.

It’s hard and scary, once you get away from him and the spell is broken, you will feel better.

Hellisnothalffull
You're absolutely right. Experience has shown he'll do the first- and then the second. Always the pattern.
It's Sunday morning where I am. I'll start looking for a lawyer tomorrow.
Financially my future will be bleak so I need someone who can really push for a fair settlement. I've been SAHM for years due to my son's illness and death then daughters issues with teenage pregnancy and a severely abusive ex partner.(I had to raise her child for quite a while) And now I have a disability. At least I have heaps of medical documentation to submit to Court.
I'm going to make a list of all my reasons to leave.
It's No Fault divorce here so it's merely as a reminder to myself not to waiver.
And I've just read your story. Man, you've been through some crap and I really identity.

I’m so sorry for you.

I would add you didn’t witness anything physical occurring but there’s no guarantee it didn’t happen.

He’s a liar and coward. The marriage is not and will not be his first priority unfortunately.

You are better off facing the truth if who he is. If his porn use is unacceptable then you must D him. If you choose to accept him for who he is then you can maybe have a decent relationship.

The fact he is abusive — I think you need to live apart from him. Whether you D or not, you should not be around him.

So sorry that you're here.

apart from a sore arm and shoulder

Those are injuries.

I don't think I can ever get over his disgusting sexual acting out, the cold and dismissive way he's treated me for years (including not sleeping with me for a 7 year period)

My XWH went to therapy a long time ago, and signed a release of information so the psychologist could speak with me. The psychologist said that my XWH's porn use was a selfish act because he was using porn rather than work on the relationship with me.

The cold dismissive way he's treated you and not sleeping with you are forms of abuse. The sullen, moody attitude? Also a form a manipulating you...and emotional abuse.

If you feel you're tossing away 25 years, please don't let that concern you. Do some reading on sunk cost fallacy. FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. My XWH wasn't doing the work to be safe and crossed a hard boundary I'd set.

He's txt me saying he feels terrible. I've told him to stay away and ask his therapist for extra sessions as he's clearly not coping as the loss of control yesterday proves. I've asked him not to contact me again and definitely not come home or I will immediately leave myself.
He's said he will never ask me to do that and is finding an apartment.
I noticed though, no admission that he hurt me. Apart from saying he "overreacted completely and with zero empathy "
Which I wonder if that's because he doesn't want to put it in writing.
I've bought a padlock for the gate just in case and I can see he hasn't taken his house keys.
So I think I'm safe.
My mind is full of vile, intrusive thoughts and you're right Thefirstwife although he's always denied anything else, I don't trust him one bit.
All the nights for several years when he didn't come home from work till really late....and I assumed he was "just" avoiding me and what was then a very traumatic family life.
My daughters want to come over but obviously I can't burden them with what's happened and have asked them not to. A friend has been in touch asking if i want to meet later. But I don't want to tell her or speak to anyone. Yet don't want to be alone.
I'm a mess.
So I'm really grateful to be heard here.

Yes LeafieldsI've done a lot of reading on sunk cost fallacy.
Coming from a sexually abusive childhood and a forced marriage at 17 (to the 40 yr old teacher who impregnated me - and no, I'm not kidding) I thought WH was my person. Because he knew all that and promised me love and fidelity.
I was so used to compartmentalising abuse when it came from someone meant to love and protect me. When I realised he was breaking promises, after the initial shock, I think I just fell into the pattern of thinking "well this is what love really is - betrayal and danger".
The cognitive dissonance is the killer. Plus the shame.

Weather,

As far as doubting anything.

Let me just be clear. If I came home and saw one of my friends giving my W or GF a foot rub, I would be in jail.
Like yeah just feet or whatever, it’s still an intimate. act. I have some very close friends,
Never in a million years would I ever even consider giving a foot massage to their wife, and nor would I do that with a woman who I consider a friend only.

My take, but to me that already suggests a
Level of physical intimacy that is cheating.

Here let’s take it a step further, did you read the post from SacredSoul about a very young girl and a much older man from her friend? The man wanted to be a father figure and all that but is acting like a creep at best. Would you, at any time be ok with your WH or any guy who isn’t a professional massage therapist giving a foot rub to a 16 year old girl? Yeah no, of course not, that is wildly inappropriate and repulsive.

You have your answer.

Right now you need to be safe. Never meet alone with WH. Make sure you are in a public place and if you have a brother or a GFs husband make sure they are with you if you do have to meet him somewhere

Hellishalffull
I know. My own SA was by an uncle who everyone thought was "adorable " to me.
I've just closed my eyes to soooo much over the years. Prioritised my kids. Classic story.
I tried to keep my son alive then my daughter had serious problems for years after his suicide.
And now the trauma gates have opened EVERYTHING is flooding out. All the suppressed memories and humiliations.
My innate survival mechanism seems to have kicked in though.
Just seen a bunch of "I hate what I've done to you, I miss you, can't be without you" etc msgs.
Responded "please see employer counselling service if you can't reach your therapist. Right now you're not safe for me and you need to get help. I won't be talking further "
And haven't opened the msgs that have popped up since.
I feel like it's manipulation. Because so far I've been sucked back in every time out of guilt. So I guess I've taught him over the years that he can do anything to me and not face consequences.
Well not today.

I think this might be helpful to you.

First tell your daughters about your situation. You don’t need to provide them with all the details but they need to know who-what their father is (at the very least).

Second your H is no longer in control. And he doesn’t like that and doesn’t know what to do. For years he could say/do anything and he now expects that to continue w/out any repercussions.

You need to be prepared for the moment his anger takes over when he realizes you are not playing by his rules.

If I were you I would get a restraining order against him due to his assault against you.

Thefirstwife yes, I'm prepared for him to turn nasty again. Yesterday he messaged it was "unlikely! " he'd hurt me when I told him he'd hurt my arm and twisted my shoulder with the force of the push...and "you're making up a story for a lawyer" but today he misses me, hates what he's done, never meant to hurt me, cant stand being apart etc etc
I'm fairly confident this is because he's stuck in a hotel and resenting it.
I told him to take an apartment but just looked at our bank statement and he's booked another week in the hotel room. So he can be a martyr I suppose.
If he does say he's coming back, I will go to the police. I have all the messages I wrote detailing what he did.
Tells me he "fell apart as I couldn't cope any more"
I'm enraged again now. He put his hands on me because HE couldn't cope with me telling the TRUTH about how vile his behaviour was and I was spiralling out of control in trauma.
Which i realise was confronting, frustrating, and even scary. But that's his fault, not mine.
Honestly some of the teenage girls he's watched look SO young. Not more than 16 - even if they weren't really
that's what he was fantasising. He's a grandfather. I'm sick to my stomach.Having EMDR to try to get them out of my brain.
How dare he.
I'm seeing one of my daughters tomorrow as she's insisted because she's worried about me.
Im dreading it.
Yet, I still feel heartbroken and abandoned and I'm alone and spiralling and he's the only person I want. Not telling him that though..
And I know it's normal to feel this way especially in shock.
But that doesn't make it less painful. All he had to do was stop. Even if he'd done so when our son died, I think I could've forgiven.
But he just pulled further away and soon afterwards the imposed celibacy started. When I needed him most. (And his secret viagra habit began, as he told me when he made his post DDay confession).
He'd given me the impression he was impotent and without treatment and thus not using pornography.
I eventually found some. It was unopened, so I guess lucky break for him! And he told me he'd bought them "for us to start again"
I'm so humiliated that I believed him and letting him (often unsuccessfully) sleep with me .
It was preferable to him than telling the truth.
Sorry, TMI.
I just can't believe he had the temerity to put his hands on me. That he's stooped so low.
I'll never forget.
This turned into an essay. Apologies!
I'm reeling.
And I do appreciate the advice.

Be very careful your WS is highly manipulative and does not like losing the control given his behavior of shaming you then lovebombing. My xWS did this for a whole year after I left him, but I maintained limited contact only to discuss kids and finances. My xWS even started doing drive bys, stalking me, and threatening to confront my new boyfriend this was until I threatened a restraining order, filed for D and have maintained No Contact. He finally got the message.

I get that you don't want to burden your daughters--that's fine
Totally your call.

But people are going to know about the change in your marital status...so seems like telling no one is prolonging the inevitable.

Is there a trusted friend or 2 or a couple of family members you could bring into your circle of knowledge?

You deserve support. You truly do.

Thankyou crazyblindsided
I'm sorry you went through that. So scary and intimidating. He's a bully.
I'll have no hesitation taking out an order if necessary.
Unfortunately I'm a expert as my daughter has a terrifying, highly abusive ex.
I've been bombarded with texts " what can I do" etc. Replied "just leave me be" but then had to phone him last night to change our health insurance.
I was polite and stuck to the details, then hung up.
And sobbed and sobbed. I hadn't wanted to hear his voice.
This my because of psychiatrist, who I had an emergency appointment with, is mulling the idea of me going into a women only private psych facility for 7 to 10 days as I told her the whole story and she is concerned I'm not coping.
And she's not wrong. But I do NOT want to go. I have bipolar disorder and have managed without thus far as they're hugely triggering, actually terrifying (my son was admitted for 4 lengthy stays before we lost him)
But now it's on official record.
I told her more about the marriage than I ever had before - not just the violent incident.
My daughter visited (the one with the violent ex)
I'd been determined to keep the details to myself and not trash her father.
Poor girl took one look at me and said "he's hurt you hasn't he? I know that face"
I completely broke down.
She shouldn't have to know this on top of her own stress. She's also having a high risk pregnancy !!
She also told me she knew far more about his pornography use than she'd let on.
I'm devastated and beyond guilty for not protecting her.
I reread all the journalling I've done on my phone since DDay (I'd deleted a bunch,which I regret) but there's enough there to remind me I'd even idealised the first six months of him being a "changed" man.
So many examples of gaslighting or ignoring the problem or turning the issues back on me.
And statements from disclosure which he later denied or said I made him say them.
It's such an ingrained habit in me. I'd literally blocked it out already in less than a year. .
Thank god I'd had the foresight to write it down. Maybe I sensed I'd need it.
I'm heartbroken.
All I want is for him to come back but I KNOW this can't happen.
He txt he had "tons of self exploration to do" and is asking for extra IC sessions. I didn't reply.
I have my own IC today and I know she'll tell me this has to be the line in the sand.
I've finally had some sleep but still can't eat, so I'm concentrating on hydration. Appetite will come back eventually. I remember that from bereavement.
Which this feels like.

Breakingbadjust saw your post. Thankyou.
Well, as you can see, the cat's out of the bag.
I've isolated myself for years. But I do have one friend who knows much of the story. I'm seeing her in two days and I know she'll be supportive if I can bring myself to tell her about Saturday.