SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My WH has had multiple affairs, all but one physical.

Thing is, you could almost swap out these women, one for the other, in terms of the type of person they are.

All but one were married when they cheated with him.
All dressed very provocatively.
All openly talked about sex, their interest in sex, their sexual abilities, and their sexual conquests.
All flashed him their body parts.
All willingly had sex with him in risky places, initiated it in fact, such as other people’s homes, on the beach, or risked getting caught in my home.

Basically, he prefers what he calls "nasty" women.

I am not this type of female. Nothing like this (although there was a time when we weren’t together and I was much, much younger that I sowed some wild oats, this really isn’t me).

So, why is he even with me at all? Why bother with someone who isn’t remotely your type?

So, why is he even with me at all? Why bother with someone who isn’t remotely your type?

Because nasty women can be fun as a random fling but are not as much fun to be partnered with.

5 Decades I can relate to you a bit here.

My H also went after this type of woman.

Truth be told I did more than his AP did though, when we were a little younger and had less kids.

We have way better stories together than anything he did with her and he admits it.

BUT like you , I do not talk about sex openly with other people (she did with all the guys at work) She didn't dress any certain way though, she was pretty plain but he said she cussed like a sailor and just came off slutty and save a hoe mentality.

ALLLLLL the things he did I would have offered to do alone in the bedroom or maybe even some place riskier with him but at the same time he also gets a great mom, a faithful wife and still gets to live out his fantasy but nope wasn't good enough.

Not trying to threadjack, I am just eager to hear what other people have to say and relate a bit.

I think the old saying goes can't make a hoe a housewife?

I think some men just want to feel above, feel like they dominate, feel like they are better than the person they are having sex with, gives them a sense of power. Those men or women imo are the most damaged, the most insecure, and have a lot of issues.

My H even made a comment once before the A he would like to just use some girl and treat her like a s*** if I ever would allow it in the future, I thought he was kidding but clearly porn effed him all up bc that is exactly what he did

Sorry ETA : Have you asked your H this question? If not maybe you should?

I asked mine and he told me the above that I mentioned (needing to feel better, living out a porn fantasy) but not wanting to let his family go.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 6:34 PM, Friday, July 12th]

I think all people have a complex set of preferences in our desired partner, and some of them can be in tension with others. The great Ludakris captured this pretty well with the line "I want a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed". A healthy adult recognizes that in choosing one person and vowing commitment to them that they accept that this individual will meet just a subset of what they want and find happiness in the goodness of what they have found.

Your husband has a character defect that allows him to think he is justified in betraying you because he has a specific preference that isn’t entirely who you are. I think it’s that simple. He probably wouldn’t chose the loose women as wives, they probably have less overlap with his preferences than you do overall. But if he believes he can cake eat without consequence and is justifies it to himself, well there you have it, a serial cheater.

Groot,

Yeah, porn plays a role in my WH cheating mind, too. People don’t seem to realize how it can affect them.

Ink, thanks, your thoughts are helpful.

I can relate to this a lot. As much as the AP was beautiful, she was very much not my WH's type. She is very superficial, spends a ton of money on her hair, image-obsessed and high maintenance. Things my WH usually does not appreciate. Whereas I am low maintenance, down to earth and classy. She is promiscuous and very flirty, terrible with money. WH has said she isn't someone he'd bring home to his family, she isn't someone he'd want a relationship with. I think part of the attraction is the differences. Part of the attraction is being with someone they wouldn't normally be with. I imagine it adds to the feeling of no responsibility, no obligation, no strings attached. There's no real commitment from the WS because they aren't actually interested in the person at all, who they are doesn't matter as long as they pump the ego and give them the attention and validation they crave. If it's someone who isn't normally their type, that just makes it less real in their eyes somehow.

He cheated on you with married women, I can promise you that he had no desire to leave you for them. I am willing to bet that he got an extra thrill of being with another man’s wife, a lot of OM APs absolutely want to screw a man’s wife as a power thing against the husband. Stolen water is sweet such as it goes. I am sure OW do to, but I don’t think it’s the sexual conquest aspect for them vs how it is for men. I could be wrong, just I have never heard of an OW doing things during sex to degrade the BW vs the many stories I have heard of men doing just that.

Here’s the question for you though, is a cheater your type? Is a man who lies and gets off on destroying marriages and families your type? That’s what you should be asking yourself. It isn’t about what he wants. He married you, probably already knowing that he was a cheater and deceiving you, he broke the deal. He’s the one not worth a damn. I recommend you not equate yourself to what he thinks, if you’re still trying to R then he really needs to show you that he is your type, and that is a long way from who he is now.

I think there's some elements of experimentation as well. What kind of person might I be if I wasn't the person who settled down and had a family? What kind of life might I have had if things were different, what kind of person might I be with if I was the type of person who messed around without thoughts of the future? It's a bit of that identity crisis or midlife crisis, trying on different personas as an escape from someone they have become and don't really like.

My wife’s AP was close enough, persistent and infatuated, plus I had no respect for him or anyone who associated with him. As far as I can tell that was enough to scratch her itch and ruin my life and family.

The disrespect, embarrassment, shame and humiliation I feel has some connection to the AP as a person. There is no prize for all of my efforts, pain and humiliation, because I chose poorly and married down.

If I was going to risk my life and family, I would hope it would be for a prize worth winning.