SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello, I wanted to start a thread of things that we did to make ourselves feel safe after the affair.

We are all in the same boats and we know better than anybody that infidelity changes our Future, but also it changes our past and even our present. We question our gut, we question our heart, we question our sanity, and we even question our life choices. So I will start.

When I found out that my husband had his affair, I probably laid in bed for three months after working. I would gaze out the window I would lay on the floor. I would sit against the wall, and I would just stare off into space, most of my life my favorite colors were black and pink. my room had the blackout curtains, My bedspread was gray and most everything in my room was dark. (Guess it’s the rock and roll part of me)

One day I decided that green like a very mint green made me feel safe. It made me feel good. I got on Amazon and I redid our entire room in mint green. I got a lot of scripture and I got a few photos of positive quotes. I did the same thing to the bathroom. These two places I spent most of my time so I needed it to not feel as dark as my heart did.

I have stared at the photo on my wall more than I would like to admit.

"Do small things with great love"

Some days it helps, other days I want to burn it.

I lightened our dining room and living room. I let more light in and I use brighter decor.

I bought candles and a nighttime humidifier, when I start to spiral I use one or both to help me keep calm. I watch the himidifier change colors or the flame flicker. When those are on my H usually knows that I’m in my safe space and he isn’t welcome.

I also started an outline for a book I want to write about this whole hell I’m going through. My H knows it’s a bad night when I’m writing , my best work comes when I’m hurting but it also helps heal me. He usually keeps his distance because nothing he says these nights will help.

I go to the gym a lot when I’m feeling angry when I’m feeling lost and when I’m feeling like I just can’t be around anybody. I plug my headphones in and I jam away to my Favorite Songs or I catch up on church sessions or shows.

Clearly yall have seen me post enough to know I have a fear of being afraid. Not of ghosts, spiders , or the normal fears but of being abandoned , VULNERABLE, being alone , and being hurt. I have to try extra hard to feel safe because I’ve always been the strong one, now my walls have been torn down and I’m struggling.

What are some things you all have did to feel safe?

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 4:02 AM, Friday, June 28th]

The first thing I did was clean up my nutrition, I was so numb that I only ate because I had to. Since I was numb I was able to change my way of eating, food didn't have a taste so I took advantage of it, I even drank unsweet tea, unheard of in TX. I lost 50 lbs total but along the way I started exercising and feeling better. As my self esteem improved and I got locked into SI, I came to the conclusion that AP was never a better choice, its actually an insult that my WW sunk so low. But the number one thing that made me feel safe was letting go of the outcome, I knew I would be ok whatever the outcome of our M was. I made personal changes for the better.

Great discussion topic thanks for posting.

In no particular order, I totally redid the tv room. The flooring, ceiling, walls, color. I rearranged the furniture, bought a new sofa to replace the old one which was a trigger. I felt better, in control and this helped my mindset.

I had my husband get rid of his car. A huge trigger for me. Felt calmer after the fact.

I asked my therapist to help me manage my feelings, which she did by giving me ideas. I took long walks outside, rain or shine or snow. I felt safe outside. Like nothing could hurt me.

I identified my boundaries and added flexibility to them. They still hold today.

Talking to my friends helps me feel safe.

Talking with my mom helped me feel safe. She passed last year. I so miss her love.

I journal. I ask myself hard questions, I answer, I reread then I delete..or keep for a longer period of time.

I have my finances in order.

I accept that I will have unsafe moments. I also know that I have the strength to deal with those moments.

I accept that I have fears. I know what they are and I also know that I am not alone to face them. This makes me feel safe.

I look for safe moments, it reinforces my stability. And there are lots of safe moments. At this point they outweigh the unsafe moments.

Love this topic. Thank you.

Not a boring wife , oh the cars !

My H traded in our van for a hot mom car and he got a new vehicle too. I forgot that helped tremendously.

I accept that I have fears. I know what they are and I also know that I am not alone to face them. This makes me feel safe.

^ I can’t wait until I’m not afraid of being afraid. I love this for you.

Since I was being kicked to the curb and the last to find out I was about to be divorced, I now have a plan B (options of places I could move to) and I hoard money.

Like seriously hoard money. Out of fear.

And all the bills must be paid in full every month. No balances.

We bought a new home together. Mortgage in his name only, deed in joint names. If he decides to not pay the mortgage it won’t affect my credit score.

Got rid of his car (the OW was in it).

It’s crazy what trauma can do to you.

I can’t wait until I’m not afraid of being afraid.

This phrase really caught my eye. I’ve been thinking for a while that I think it’s important to resolve your feelings as close in time as possible to the event that gave birth to your feelings because they are inherently paired. After all, the purpose of that feeling was to internally experience that moment. But if we leave that feeling unresolved, it fails to serve it’s purpose and then it goes rogue and starts being the genesis of new feelings, and those become really difficult to resolve because it’s not even clear where they are coming from. Being anxious about being anxious, that is exactly what drove me into depression in my 20’s.

Not sure of that made sense, if not please forgive the ramblings of a sad dude. But my goal going forward in life will be to keep a short account with my feelings. Let them serve the purpose of experiencing each moment in life and not carrying yesterday’s experiences like chains. To me that sounds about as free and safe as a mortal creature can be.

One physical: 20 pushups every time I felt low about something. At times this was 5-6 times a day. It gave an outlet. I have kept this tradition going even though things have been better, 20 pushups every morning just to get the blood flowing.

One mental: A journal, which used to be more often but I still do once a week. I incorporated starting it with my ratio of staying together vs not staying together. I found (and still find) it really helpful to go back and just see what a mess my mind was at times. Even though progress was slow at times, after almost 18 months I can look back when I am having a not so good day and see how much worse things were. Understanding from the good folk on here that it can take a long time to heal has really helped with this too.

Good idea for a thread Groot.

Love love love this idea! Thank you so much for starting it - maybe something like this can be posted in an easy place for newbies to find.

Ok, so I’m not sure if I would describe these things as making me feel safe, but they helped to ease the pain and were things that did not trigger me (like looking through his phone was important, but always triggering and never made me feel better - just like I was missing something, so I wouldn’t put things like that on this list. )

I also redecorated a bit to suit my tastes and to change things up - first thing to go was our bedding.

I weeded. A lot.

I planted new plants that only I had wanted and hired people to help to make a labyrinth type path in my yard

I worked on my sexuality. My self esteem is so incredibly shattered. So I went through my clothes and undies etc and got rid of things that didn’t make me feel attractive. I bought new makeup and started getting manicures and pedicures. I am reading Come As You Are to learn about myself sexually and bought my first vibrator.

I talk a lot to people I trust. Like a lot a lot.

I walk.

I got a new vehicle also.

I applied and was accepted to grad school which I start in August so will be much more financially stable when I’m finished.

I hired a lawyer and have a post nuptial in place to financially put me in a safer place if we divorce.

I have started practicing meditation more seriously. Gabby Bernstein is great for newbies and the book by Pema Chordron called Learning to meditate.

I allowed my children to fend for themselves more and didn’t beat myself up if they have been eating a lot of processed foods.

Ok, here’s a biggie that’s controversial- I got a mommy make over. I’m still not sure how I feel about this one.

Thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable all of you. Oxoxo

"To feel safe". I did a lot of things after D-Day, a lot just on instinct and reaction to the pain. It took a few weeks to do much of anything with intentionality. But I am wired to just not eat at all when I'm sad or in deep pain or stress, the exact opposite of a stress eater I guess. And on the trauma diet I lost about 15 pounds in a month. I was already kind of losing weight pre D-Day, but I was just a guy approaching middle age dabbling in jogging and trying not to drink as much alcohol or eat as badly anymore. Maybe knock a couple of pounds off for health, etc. Then I lost 15 pounds in that first month and made one of my first intentional moves and became obsessive with regaining my strength, physique, and vitality. It's been over 2 years, and I'm not going to sugar coat and act like I've become healthy. I haven't. I've dropped well over 60 pounds in total, while adding a LOT of muscle mass. I'm able to run as far as I ever have and as fast, and I'm stronger than I've ever been. But I hurt all the time because I'm trying to do too much. I'm way too big (muscular) to go on ten mile runs. I'm burning both ends of the candle and I know it's got to end at some point. I have terrible body dismorphia and an abusive inner dialogue pointing out every inadequacy in me in every aspect of my being. That's what fuels me for some reason, and I don't yet understand why I'm wired that way. There's nothing healthy about this, and I have to find a way through it to be healthy. But.... damn does it ever make me feel "safe". If she's going to cheat, then I find safety feeling like I would never be the chump without options that I would've been a couple of years ago. I find safety in knowing that whatever happens with money or a house or whatever after a divorce, the body I live in is strong and capable. I don't feel like I "need" the stability of my marriage or stuff that I've accumulated over the years to be safe. I feel safe in knowing that my mind and body feel young enough and capable enough that I could go get back anything she could take from me. But I'm so scared to lose it that it became a prison. My safety became my prison. At least now I see it, and that means that I can find a healthy middle road option out of it eventually.

I think a lot of people turn to fixing their physical body and getting in better shape after the pain of infidelity, but if anyone new to it were to read this, my heartfelt advice would be to be very intentional about finding a balance.

Bad ass, Marine.

I retreated to camping, which allowed me time away from everything and everyone. No phones or internet or anything that I didn’t want to deal with. The truth was that I had phone service and internet, but I could claim it was "sketchy" and respond only when I felt like it - turns out, when I’m camping I really don’t feel like it.

I wrote and published a book. It’s actually a humor book, and I’ve been selling a few and getting great reviews. I surprised a lot of people, including WH and my entire set of friends and family. It takes up some of my time now, and people leave me to it.

I have been painting. Turns out, I actually am good at art. Who knew. People are buying my paintings (even sold one to someone in Canada, so I must be doing something right LOL). I like painting because nobody comes into the studio when I’m out there - my style is very messy and they risk getting "involved" - so I’m left alone with my paint and my thoughts.

I have my little greenhouse, and I grow my orchids out there. Seems like a quiet place where I can be alone, sit, and just chill.

The staring at things, yes, it’s a something I do, too. I watch birds, or clouds, or stars, or maybe just stare out the window at the trees. Sometimes I stare at nothing at all, and realize later that I was lost in a state of blankness, frozen pain, my mind unable to move forward or back, so it simply stops and waits for me to catch up with the next moment I am able to process. That can take two minutes or ten. I haven’t timed it but I know it happens.

Mine:

* Pretty and sparkly underthings - they make me feel bad ass and bullet proof. I add to my collection from time to time
* Wear lipgloss and any other make up I feel like even if I'm just doing chores at home
* I got a cheap but pretty bracelet that is engraved on the inside with "keep fucking going"
* I crank up the punk rock music and dance like no one is watching [and if they are - let them]
* I crochet - something about stabbing something w/a hook and twisting :) I make a lot of scarves and hats and donate to a cold-weather shelter
* I bake bread - that kneading of the dough LOL
* I walk. Long distances. With ear buds playing of an audiobook as an actual book I still can't focus on at times
* I have been known to angry scour things- boy does my bathroom shine when I angry clean
* I keep spreadsheets - everytime some little detail bothers me - I note the date, feeling/trigger, and other information that may be useful down the road. Every time I hit save I remind myself that I can let that [whatever it is] go because it now in a safe place and I can re-open it at any time
* I remind myself I a BASGU [Bad Ass Sparkly Goddess Unicorn] named Chaos