SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First of all thank you for welcoming me into the group.

Its 2 weeks now since I caught her out for the third time, its even more devastating than the first two times. At least the first twice she genuinely seemed to get how much it had hurt me and made sure I knew she was sorry. Lots of cuddles and reassurance that it was a mistake and she loved me and wanted to be with me. This time is very different, two weeks since I found out and the only cuddles are when I have initiated them, no words of comfort or assurance. She has enabled Face ID on her Whatsapp messenger, her reason is she feels like I am checking up on her and I don't need to be looking into her phone. We have 2 young children and own our house together, she says she wants to do marriage counselling to try and make it work as she wants us to stay together but it feels like her body language is telling me otherwise. She says it is because she feels she doesn't deserve for me to want to be close to her as she has hurt me again and is ashamed, does that mean she wasn't the last twice? I really love her and have again stayed as I don't want to break up our family but my heart hurts and I guess I just need some help understanding it all from others who can feel where I am coming from. I have to say that I am not perfect in all this as I have struggled with mental health for a number of years so at times I haven't been there for her as much as I should have been. At times I have been pretty poor company but have never been bad to her, quite the opposite as I generally take myself away so as to not put stress on her or the kids as I don't want them to be burdened with my struggles when I have felt low. Sorry for the long post and I appreciate anyone who has the time to have a read and give me and advice good or bad.

Many thanks
K

You've forgiven her twice, and it looks like you're on the verge of forgiving her a third time. Since you clearly have no intention of leaving, you may as well rewrite the contract.

Tell her you will be opening up the marriage, whether she wants to or not. You will be browsing, making dates, and going out with them while she stays home with the children, as she did to you.

We'll see how "sorry" she is when you tell her.

OP, since you seem unwilling to allow her to suffer any of the natural consequences of her choices, and are unwilling to end the M, you should simply resolve yourself to this being your life. At a minimum I would urge you to seek individual counseling and explore your codependency and why you readily accept being treated so horrifically.

Your W is a serial cheater, and while one cannot claim there’s never been a serial adulterer who’s truly reformed, such folks are less common than flying unicorns. It’s your life and your decision to stay in your M, as messed up as it is.

If you ever reach a point where you’re no longer willing to tolerate being treated like dirt, let us know and we can help you. I hope you get there one day.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're here. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we encourage newbies to read. There are also some with bull's eye icons that are good references. I recommend that you read the ones about "before you reconcile" because they suggest you recover first. They're close to the bottom of the page. The Healing Library is a great resource and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist may be helpful. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to work on her whys. She sounds like a serial cheater, and so she is going to have a lot of work to do to be a safe partner. She needs to get How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. MC (marriage counseling) isn't recommended yet. Your M (marriage) didn't cheat - your WW did. Unless you get a really good MC, they have a tendency to shift some of the blame to you. You may have contributed towards issues in the M, but the A is 100% on her.

it was a mistake

A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. Her As (affairs) were conscious decisions to lie, cheat and betray you. Thousands and thousands of those decisions were made. If she were unhappy with your M, she could have suggested MC, told you that she was unhappy and asked you to work on things, or she could have decided to D (divorce) you. Instead, she decided to have As.

Please get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty things out there that can have life-altering consequences. If you aren't already on meds for anxiety or depression, speak with your doctor if you think you may need an increased dose at this time. Infidelity is the worst. Also, if you're having trouble sleeping, ask for something to help.

Sorry that you're here.

I recommend therapy to you.

You should get help in therapy about the traumas you inflict on yourself and your children.

It may have felt good to be cuddled, in the past, but that doesn't do anything to make her a safe partner. Love bombing is temporary. As you see.

It sounds like she's stil cheating. If she won't give you full access to all of her accounts and the phone, passwords included, you have nothing to work with.

Don't go to mc. The marriage didn't cheat. She did. She's an unremorseful serial cheater. She is the problem. Not you,not the marriage.

The men who have the best chance of a successful reconciliation, refuse to tolerate one more minute of abuse. And this is abuse,make no mistake about it.

Stop being so nice. She's taking full advantage.

You need to set requirements for you to even consider attempting reconciliation.

At minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone.

Complete honesty, about everything.

She answers all questions, for as long as you need to ask. This can take months.

Std tests.

No contact with the OM. If he wad a coworker, she finds a new job.

She gets therapy to figure out why she cheated.

Zero blame, zero defensiveness.

She dumps asny friends who knew of the affair.

She deletes whatsapp.

She is proactive in healing the damage she has caused you, herself, and the marriage.

Your job is to stop being so accommodating. Take care of yourself and the kids. And watch her actions. If she isn't doing the work,she's not R material. Love bombing is NOT the work.

Also, if the man has a wife, you need to call her and tell her about the affair. She deserves to know. Don't tell your wife. She will warn him and by the time you speak to her, she will have been told you are abusive and crazy,and she won't listen. Also, since ww isn't supposed to be speaking to him,if she tells you she knows you told his wife, you know she's still in the affair.

Don't tell her about this site. This is your safe place. Bringing a freshly caught serial cheater here is a disaster. She will only learn how to fake it. Many new bs think they're the exception. They very rarely are.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:28 PM, Tuesday, April 23rd]

I’m sorry. I hope you know your mental health struggles are not the reason she cheated.

I hope you understand there is no excuse for cheating - most often the cheater makes the excuse to find a "reason" to justify their behavior.

Also it is quite common for the cheater to remain in control log the situation to dictate the terms of your figure. Typical cheater behavior BTW.

She "wants to do MC" but so far it hadn’t happened. If she wanted to do it why hasn’t she made it happen? Hmmm….

She locks her phone and refuses to be transparent. Yup typical cheater.

She only provides emotional support or physical support on a limited basis. Why? My guess is she’s getting it somewhere else. I could be wrong but she’s being supported by someone and it’s not you.

I think you need to stop being afraid of breaking up the family. Kids can survive a healthy co-parenting situation. What they don’t survive is watching a parent be disrespected or abused or mistreated or lied to.

Read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. I instituted it and it was the best thing I did. I was also preparing to D my H after his second affair so I didn’t care if I talked to him or not. He was begging me to R and started realizing the disrespect and lying and cheating was not something I was going to tolerate another second.

We have happily R. But…..not the same marriage and he knows I will walk out the door in a second if I need to. It’s not open for a discussion.

I now call the shots. Before I was a doormat.

Please recognize what the rest of us know. Cheaters cheat and liars lie. That’s what they do and that’s who they are. If you want to live like this for the rest of your life, all we can do is offer you some support and make some suggestions on how to deal with the stress of it all, but we also know that there is no way you can continue this way without literally falling apart. This kind of stress can actually kill you. I hope you recognize you need to get to a doctor fairly quickly for some anxiety and depression medication. You also need to do STD tests. And then have a chat with a lawyer to see what’s what. We are also very sorry that you are here and wish you the best.

Sorry you find yourself back here.

She has shown you repeatedly who she is, you need to believe her or your life is going to be a living nightmare.

She's a serial cheater.

She wants the comforts of home and the ability to cheat. That's not love.

She did not make a mistake, she has made probably dozens of conscious decision to cheat.

Please find a good counselor to figure out why you would tolerate her abuse (infidelity is abuse) repeatedly.

Gently, I don't think the odds of her never doing this again are good.

She's not sorry. At all. You and your children deserve better.

Marriage counseling is a waste of time and money. The marriage didn't cheat, she did.

Hi All,

Thank you so much for taking the time to give me advice/feedback.

We tried to talk today but what came out of it was that she is still messaging her AP and admits that she wants to keep messaging him because he is nice to her

This despite the fact that she said she wanted this to work and have MC etc.

So I guess that's it then, she says she doesn't know what she wants but I guess the above tells me she knows exactly what she wants.

This is so hard to take, I have never been hit by a train before but this must be what it feels like

K

So I guess that's it then, she says she doesn't know what she wants but I guess the above tells me she knows exactly what she wants.

This. You have nothing to work with here. It’s critical to know the path to both R and D starts the same: initiate divorce. There have been cases where that action brings a cold splash of reality enough to bring the betrayer to become willing to truly work on themselves to become safe again. If that were to happen, you can always put the D on hold, or eventually stop it if she proves by long-term consistent actions (NOT mere words) that she’s all in.

Don’t count on that though. While of course all women are different, many women here will affirm the statement "Once a woman is done with a relationship, she is DONE". My point is that your path forward is clear.

The other thing to know is while you feel like 💩 right now, like you’ve been hit by a train, you need to know your life is NOT over and there WILL be a day where you’re in a new relationship, with a QUALITY woman, and if anything you will regret having stayed in this relationship so long, now seeing how amazing a good quality woman can be in your life. YOU WILL BE OK !!!

Let her go and move on. See an attorney asap and begin the separation/divorce. She is toxic, you will be in a much better place without her.
Trust us. We've all been there, done that, and seen it.
Good luck.

Infidelity pain is the worst. So sorry, but she is making a choice without saying the D (divorce) word. Some people can't be the bad guy at all. I think my XWH wanted me to file so he could say that I was the one filing.

I am sorry she is giving you nothing to work with. She has shown you repeatedly with her actions that she is going to do whatever she wants.

Please find some anger and start trying to get your own ducks in a row. See a lawyer ASAP (find a good one- maybe see 2 or 3) and get the STD/STI testing. And look in to IC (individual counseling) for yourself- this stuff is HARD.

It hurts like nothing else now, but it WILL get better. It really will.

You are stronger than you know. You can do this.

4th time. 5th time. 6th time.

Actually it was all one time.

This is your life because you deem yourself worthy of such a life. You stay for the kids and family.

She cheats.

You talk. She tells you how it is, cuddles, then cheats.

Just curious why you deem this woman a satisfactory partner when she'd rather go and sleep with men, rather than be at home with the children you so heroically stay for?

So after todays 'talk' she decided she needed to go for a walk to clear her head, we also needed bread so she would walk past the supermarket and get some on her way back. What I should have mentioned before is that her AP stays a few houses along from us which makes things a lot worse. After she had left his car drove away literally 2 minutes later. I messaged her to say she was with him wasn't she which she denied, she then made me feel like crap when she got home because I had accused her of something she hadn't done and that she hadn't seen him and couldn't control his movements etc. She then unwittingly slipped up as she said have you checked to see if he is back yet, I had a look and his car wasn't in his parking space. She said there you go he is obviously out somewhere else and I haven't seen him. Her glaring attempt to 'prove' she hadn't seen him was that he wasn't back the same time as her. Of course I took a walk along after she went to bed and to no-ones surprise his car was parked in a space further along out of sight. I wish I could hold back and let things unravel because I obviously triggered a pre-meditated switching of parking spaces to make it seem he was still away. And here was me feeling as guilty as hell for accusing her, we are still married/living together the kids are in bed and she is meeting him right under my nose while we are still not officially separated. I apologise for ranting on especially with all the great advice/feedback telling me straight already what I need to do...what is wrong with some people I mean seriously

The advice about serial cheaters is that they are extremely unlikely to reform.

You might read the book Cheating in a Nutshell. It's not science-based, but is from letters sent to an advice column similar to Dear Abby. Read the reviews in The Book Club forum. It provides information on why it's so difficult to R.

If you read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, you might find more insight. This book isn't infidelity related, but is based on physical and emotional abuse. I consider infidelity abuse, so I was able to garner some insight from the book.

Think of this in terms of abuse is abuse. Doesn't matter which kind. Have you heard news stories of sports stars abusing their wife or SO and they go back, or when Chris Brown beat Rhianna and she went back?

When she's abusive to you, why do you go back? Can you be strong enough to break the cycle of abuse?

[This message edited by leafields at 4:16 AM, Thursday, April 25th]

I guess I go back because I do love her, I love my kids...I see their faces when they wake up and when I return from work and it breaks my heart thinking of them waking up and I'm not there for them.