SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my partner 15years we have 2 children we had the perfect relationship never really fell out had the best time together we are sole mates and both love the same things ❤️

Then 6 months ago I had a strange feeling he was cheating on me I didn't think it would be confirmed just thought maybe he was going through something as he was acting strange and sneaky always on his phone not wanting to do anything with me I felt so alone with my children for months

Then I sat him down and said we need to talk that is when my world fell apart 💔 I couldn't believe it was actually true he met a girl at his work said it was just txts then I found his diary that confirmed every single date I was upset and not sure where he was

I am absolutely devastated beyond belief I can't believe he actually did this to me I would of never thought in a million years this would happen

She is now over there's been no weird goings on but how do I stop feeling so let down I cry everyday we really are trying to make this work I couldn't imagine my life without my best friend in it please help me get through this could I ever trust him againX

[This message edited by Kys86oh at 5:10 PM, Sunday, February 11th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're now part of the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that have a lot of great information. Also, the Healing Library has lots of great reading material and includes the list of acronyms we use.

The book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a short book with a good blueprint for your WBF (wayward boyfriend). Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Are you sure that it has only been texting? Usually, when distance is not an issue, then it becomes a PA (physical affair). If so, then you both need to be tested for STDs/STIs. Ask him to show you the results. If you have problems sleeping or with depression/anxiety, ask your doctor for some meds. Taking them on a short-term basis can help you get through this rough patch.

Rebuilding trust takes consistent actions over time. It can take 2-5 years to heal from an A (affair). If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Your WBF also needs IC to work on his whys. After you've healed, then CC (couples counseling) may be helpful. Don't do CC first, because their job is to help the relationship and can blameshift you.

Watch his actions and don't listen to his words because you've found out that he lies. If they work together, then he really needs to get a different job. He needs to go NC (no contact) with her. That will begin to rebuild trust, but there is still a long way to go.

Others will be along shortly to offer some advice, but weekends can be a little slow.

Welcome to SI sorry you had to find us. You have suffered one of the worst things that can happen to you. Please read the topics pinned above in this forum and the Healing Library on the main page.

You Partner has to do work to change, he needs to dig deep to find out the whys. Do not accept any blame, none of this is your fault. He needs to write out a timeline of everything, who, what, when, where and WHY. I wish you the best on this journey, you are safe here and among many people who understand what you are going through. Again Welcome to SI.

Thankyou so much for your support no I know its nit just texting as I found a diary weirdly he wrote down everytime they met up itcwas also like he was trying to get away from the situation with the things he had written down she was very persistent sending message after message we blocked her and she was calling from all different numbers everytime she called it took me back to square 1 my head is a mess I love himx1 day hate him another everything was perfect then boom 💥 everything went wrong as soon as it started I had a feeling which was the exact date it started in his diary I just want us to get through this and trust him again

Hi Kys. So sorry you had to find us. This is a terrible trauma to you, so please understand that the crazy feelings you are experiencing are completely normal. Also, it is going to take YEARS to recover from this whether you Reconcile (R) or Divorce (D), but it gets better all along the way. But there is no quick fix.

You’ve received good advice so far. Here’s some more.
1) take good care of yourself. Eat healthy, drink lots of water, get some exercise every day (even just a long walk), and make sure you are sleeping. This helps your body, mind and emotions. See your doctor if you can’t sleep, and drink protein shakes if you are not eating.

2) Get full panel STI/STD testing. Do not have sex with him without protection until he is also tested and shows you the results. Cheaters lie and then lie some more, so demand proof. Too many people here have picked up nasty things, some not curable, so better safe then sorry. Also many engage in hysterical bonding, so even when you are so hurt and angry, you may feel compelled to have sex (a lot).

3) Talk to a lawyer/solicitor. Not to file for divorce, but to make sure you fully understand yur rights and what D might look like if it ends up there. There is power in knowledge and it helps elimate some of the fears of the unknown. Don’t tell him — this is just for you.

4) Read here, both in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum and in the Healing Library. Pay special attention to the posts with the bullseye symbol. Post whenever you want - we’re here. (Might be quiet on the weekend, but people will come along.)

5) Look into IC (individual counseling) to help you manage through this. Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to ? Someone who will support you no matter what path you take?

6) Know that his cheating has 0% to do with you. Don’t think for a minute that this is because of anything you have done or not done. This is 100% to do with him and his flaws. He needs to dig really really deep and figure out how and why he was able to cheat on your little ones. This is so hard, especially in the early days, but it is true. He will need to do a LOT of work to discover his real "whys" - not just superficial reason like he was unhappy.

Do you work outside the home? Do you have income to support yourself? Tell us more so we can advice accordingly.

And TRUST that you will get though this. But do not rugsweep or bury it - that will just make it last a lot longer and more painful in the long run.
Hang in there, and take care of you and your kids.

Thankyou so much I'm so glad I found this forum but obviously not glad too yes financially I'm fine I have my own money also so will be totally fine if I need to be on my own with my kids I also work not from home and have a lot of help with the kids if needed I really need to gey myself together I'm not a mopey person at all and I'm not used to drama I just can't cope with this and can't pick myself up I really want to work at this I hate what he has done to us but I love him so much I just want my life back to how it was so bad xxx

I just can't cope with this and can't pick myself up I really want to work at this I hate what he has done to us but I love him so much I just want my life back to how it was so bad xxx

Sadly this is where reality has to kick in. You are still in the initial shock phase. It will NEVER be the same after Dday, it can be good, you can come out the other side, but what you had before is gone forever. This is the injustice of it all, he took something from you and threw it away. You will also have to come to terms with who he is and what he is capable of.

😥😥😭😭😭💔

Has anyone on here ever come out the otherside and made it work x

Many have come out the other side together. The fact that this site was created by a couple that went through infidelity should be testimony enough.

Getting through infidelity as a couple does not happen in a vacuum. It takes work. A LOT of work. But if the two of you are both committed, and putting in the effort.....continuously.....many relationships have risen from the ashes. Just don't get to far ahead of yourself.

As it has been stated, you're still in a state of shock. Once you process all of what has happened(that includes getting the entire story), THEN you can make the decision if you want to continue in this direction. Time is not your enemy right now. Use it to your advantage.

Kys86oh

I am sorry you are here. Remember to eat and drink water. Avoid alcohol. Exercise every day.

Can you get individual counselling? Avoid a counsellor who talks about Unmet Needs. Try and find a trauma specialist. Talking to a good counsellor will help you process your thoughts and feelings.

Do you have friends or family who can support you?

Sometimes the affair is taken underground. Are you totally sure it has ended?

Kys86oh

There are plenty of couples that have reconciled.
There are plenty of couples that have divorced.
Neither is bad. Both are good outcomes from infidelity.

The absolute WORST outcome is that you two don’t deal with the issue. That neither you nor he – and in fact BOTH of you – deal with that he had an affair.

I think a key moment in recovery is when you can tell your spouse that if they want, they CAN continue with the affair. That it’s totally their call. Only… not as your spouse. That if he chooses to be with her then that’s fine – it’s not what you want, but sharing a husband is more painful than not having a husband.
This might sound counterproductive – but once he realizes that the only reason you are still there is because you still have some belief things can work is when HE starts the work.

What is their work-relationship? Is he a manager or a supervisor to her? Is he in any management position? How hard would it be for him to report her to his manager? Or how hard would it be for him to change job?

I’m so sorry you had to find us. As said by another member, it’s the best club nobody ever wants to join.

You are in a state of shock right now.Unfortunately this is your reality now, and the only way out is through. Expect to be on an emotional rollercoaster for some time, and know it is very normal.

The important things you need to do are:
Make sure the children’s needs are taken care of(your partner needs to handle his needs on his own)
Get tested for STD’s/STI’s right away and your partner needs to as well( ask for proof)
Make sure financially you’re in a stable position( which it sounds like you are)
Start the process of IC, ideally with someone experienced with betrayal trauma.
Above all, make sure you take care of your own needs. While your inner world is in chaos, strive to take time to remember your basic needs: sleep( short-term medications can help), hydration, food (if you’re finding it hard to eat, protein shakes can help), and some form of exercise(even if it’s a short walk).

Also, don’t make any decisions about the future of your relationship for some time. Ultimately it’s for you to decide if the relationship is salvageable. You can’t know that now. For that to happen, your head needs to be clear, and your partner will have to put in the hard work.

I can tell you this: you will make it out on the other side. I am proof. My D-Day was last March, and there were days I didn’t think I could cope, but eventually, with time and intensive self-work, I am in a far different and happier place.

Please continue to post here as much as possible. is a wonderful group of members, all with different stories, but the one common thread is we have all experienced infidelity and understand how painful it is.

Hi I'm 98% sure it is over when it was going on he was nipping off a lot which must of been to call her as she lives about 2hours away she is a remote worker doesn't work for his company but alongside it he would dissappear at weekends say he had to nip into work on a Sunday constantly on his phone we was our for dinner with family months ago and she txt him and it came through with her name on the car I questioned it but he said it was just about work it was a Saturday night!! Then when he told me about this person constantly texting him I put 2 and 2 together and that's when I found out he has admitted to the txts meeting up but not to sleeping together I'm not stupid I can't see how you can be involved with someone e 6months and that not happen iv contacted her to try and get the truth she won't say a word this is what I can't get to grips with I don't think I have the full truth maybe I do I don't know I have a lot of support from my friends and his parents as I'm so close to them they are so upset about this too x

I forgot to put all the weird things he was doing has stopped no more nipping out even when he's ment to stay away with work he has been coming home and then going back the next day I suppose that's a good thing he has started doing things with kids again also I'm just so scared I'm going to have to go through all this hurt again

Your primitive brain is firing and telling you that there is danger, but your frontal lobes are trying to "reason" it away. You cannot process what you don't know. From your posts, I get the sense that you just want everything to go away, which is both completely normal and totally unhealthy. You are in trauma response mode, and it will take timexto navigate this phase, but you will get through it.

Keep posting and keep taking to heart the aggregate wisdom of this site. It has been purchased at great price by the members here.

but not to sleeping together I'm not stupid I can't see how you can be involved with someone e 6months and that not happen

^^^Hi, Kys, you are correct. If they had the opportunity to be together physically, they took it. Too many of us here were told they just kissed, they just did some light petting (like none of that matters) only to find out later they were lying through their teeth. Keep in mind, cheaters lie, all of them, and they tend to minimize their actions as well.

Also understand the OW is not your friend. She and your partner probably already collaborated on exactly what they will tell you to keep their stories straight.

Please don't rugsweep his actions, your lives will never be the same, it will take YEARS to trust him again, and honestly, he will never deserve 100% trust.

Sometimes the affair is taken underground. Are you totally sure it has ended?

^^^This in a nutshell. Just please stay vigilant, sometimes they lay low for awhile then start again or use burner phones or any other sneaky way they can.

Have you asked for a polygraph so you can get to the truth?

I feel It has ended but I'm not 100% sure!

What I don't get is throughout tge summer he was going out a lot with work just thought he was having somekibd of midlife crisis maybe he is I don't know I know he is really upset about turning 40!! I did ot suspect he was cheating at all he has never given me a reason to think that ever so why tell me she's texting knowing full well I'm going to go into detective mode if he is still seeing her why not leave me we are not married he has nothing to lose but his family which he wasn't thinking about when he cheated I'm just so confused

Kys86oh

This is bigger than just you and him…
You mention that you two have two kids and have been together for 15 years. You also mention that you two aren’t marred and then state that he could simply leave you if that’s what he wanted. That it would be simple…

I am going to offer you some very practical, unromantic and pessimistic-sounding advice that I don’t want you to think about or consider – but TO FOLLOW:

LEARN YOUR RIGHTS!!!!

In the UK, after 15 years of cohabitation and two kids you HAVE rights – some come comparable to being legally married. This includes rights to child support, possibly support, possibly part of his pension… whatever. What I do know is that there are numerous free legal sources and online info that can clarify what to expect IF this carries on and he leaves – or you decide to leave.

I am NOT telling you to leave.
But this knowledge can empower you to work from a position of power, where you work towards saving the relationship because that’s what you want, rather than it being something you can’t escape.

Thankyou so much for your advice I am in a good financial position myself I made sure of it as he is very money oriented and wouldn't put me on the mortgage I have savings and own two rental properties I know that he would makesure the kids are financially OK as he has another son too and has always paid for him I'm so glad I thought with my head incase this happened though my problem is I don't want to leave I love him so much I want things to go back to how they where a year ago we where fine i know this is probably not going to happen and I'm in dream world but I really want to try hecsaid he wants it work and doesn't want me to leave but he's not really doing much trying as in being affectionate he is comming home and being here but it's not like he is actually here if you know what I mean I feel like I don't know where I stand x