SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone. I have once again stumbled out of my cave for a random rant. To recap: my wife had her A roughly 10 years ago. Dday for us will be 8 years next month. I would consider us to be in complete R. The work continues to be done and now our arguments are few and far between, with the A firmly behind us. Triggers are rare and are usually minor internal hiccups that I can get through rather easily.

So what brings me back? Well, together we have made the decision that I would be getting a vasectomy. The appointment is very soon. We only have one daughter and at the time of dday we were seriously contemplating going for the boy. By the time the dust settled, we felt too much time had past and it would be too hard on us to start over with another baby. During Covid we couldn't imagine having a baby in the house so the pill was a little easier to swallow.

I am confused as to what I'm feeling now. I don't blame her for the A disrupting our plans of another kid. But I still do feel the loss as I really wanted to try for a boy. I'm not angry or sad, but the reality is hitting me that we will be done. I FEEL.....but I don't know how to explain what I am feeling. Anyone else go through this?

Sadclown:

I weigh in on getting cut with a big NO! - postpone until you are quite and 101% sure -

I would also consider some sessions with a counselor regarding your now resignation for having another child.

I get, in my mind, that you still have some thoughts about your past and current situation that need resolution.

you have one child the daughter - age?

How did you and wife arrive at decision to have the vasectomy?

Also, how can you be sure to have a boy?

Consider adoption?

Weigh the change in plans versus another child - wondering about that as a question in your life.

How or what is your wife's position on plans and you getting 'modified?'

edit:

Went to look up your history - could not find your story or much else.

What was life during the time your wife was carrying your daughter?

I find a note wife had her fun over a 3 year period. That is a hard one to chew -

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 2:56 AM, Thursday, February 1st]

Thank you for your response Hippo. Allow me to clarify a few things:

The joint decision has been made for me to have a vasectomy. We are in our late 30s and have no desire to start over with kids at this point in our lives. She has always had the Mirena since our daughter was born. I have a few friends who have had a vasectomy and they recommended it to me when we discussed being one and done.

We have a 12-year-old daughter. Our ideal timeline between kids would have been a 4-6 year gap in age. My wife's 3-year EA/PA was about a year after our daughter was born. She was almost 4 when the A was discovered.

Of course there was no guarantee that we would have had a boy, but I can dream right? Lol. I'm not conflicted as to whether or not we're making the right decision, rather it's just hitting me that another piece of my life that I envisioned has ended up the complete opposite. Like most of us here, we had completely different versions of our marriage and home life before discovering the horrible A's that wrecked our lives. This is just another harsh reality that I'm coming to terms with. I am acknowledging and validating that I have feelings about it, but not entirely sure what those feelings are if that makes sense. As I stated, I'm not angry, resentful, or sad. Maybe it's more of an empty feeling? I don't know

Your 2nd post is sounding more like you have really given thought to your future

Call the situation a fork in the road - which way to take - well, you have arrived at a choice.
Next step is stomp the kick-start lever and put 'er in gear and go.

That is how life works. Say you come to a bridge with a toll and you are only allowed to cross the bridge one time.
That is how a lot of life works.

you make your choice and live with it - eventually you get used to the choices unless they put you in a worse place.

I would wonder if maybe some more gestating on the decision would help you become more comfortable with your chosen path?

More folks will post so I hope they make positive help for your choice. And other opinions can help too!

No disrespect intended - are you sure you have "done the work" in deciding to stay married to your past unfaithful wife and have forgiven her trans gression(s)? Has she really sorted out her cheating ways and thinking? Just wondering if under the covers of your mind that is still subconsciously bothering you.

To me it is clear you (both) have given this a lot of thought and consideration and have decided that having another kid is not what you want at this point in your lives.

What you do feel, if I can have a guess at it, is slight resentment due to your wife’s A affecting your plans to have another child at that time.

I would say this is normal no matter how much healing you’ve done. You can look back and feel resentful towards all sorts of situations and people that influenced the way your life turned out.

I would encourage you to discuss this with your wife and tell her how you feel. It will help you process your feelings better and help you letting go.

I have had a vascectomy, long before any issues that brought me to this website. I was absolutely adamant that I didn't want more kids no matter what, so it was an easy decision. My W had a couple of hiccups before agreeing but once our second was old enough she was on board.

Anyway, the reason I am chiming in was one of the questions the doc asked me, which was quite a hard hitting one, wasn't about infidelity or divorce, but "What if your wife was to die in a car accident and you met someone else a few years later who wanted kids?" For me the answer to that was still emphatically that I would not want more, but I feel that yours might not be the same.

99% of childbirth is down to the female. This is one thing where the male has the casting vote, so just ensure that YOU are 101% happy before making a final decision.

Even though you've determined that it's the right decision for you, letting go of a dream comes with some grief, and there's no denying that there's an added layer of ick due to the infidelity.

Also, aging emotionally kneecaps you sometimes. You're approaching the end of the childrearing chapter and moving into middle age. When I noticed that I had crow's feet and that the skin under my eyes wrinkled when I squinted, it freaked me out. I was a mess for at least a month, and it wasn't all because of my face. It was an existential crisis. I'm 55 now and going through it again, wondering about my purpose. Thinking about "what ifs". Letting go of old dreams and moving on to new ones. Maybe this is part of what you're feeling?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:12 PM, Thursday, February 1st]

I think it's normal to feel the "loss" of this with or without an affair.

Most of my women friends felt the sadness when they decided they were done. No affairs involved.

Like Sacred said, it's the ending of a chapter in your life. A pretty big and important one at that. It's a big "turn of the page" and that's bound to bring some melancholy.

It's hard seeing those doors close behind us sometimes even if we are the ones closing them.

Thank you all for your replies. I came to a breakthrough today in that I was grieving 2 separate things this week and I underestimated the gravity of it all. I was dealing with the "loss" of the dream of having another kid, as well as the physical loss of an officer killed in the line of duty years ago. I didn't know him personally but his story resonates strongly with mine. We both knew and worked with a lot of the same people (small town and everyone knows everyone in one way or another), so we all collectively grieve in our own ways and this year hit harder than previous years.