SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I was told about this site from another site I'm on and was told it had a wayward side. Hopefully, I could get a better perspective on how I'm feeling, and it could help me. I also just copied and pasted what I had posted over there. I will just answer the questions again if I get the same ones. I have also had more conversations with my ex-husband about what is in my post. So I will add here what he has said to me.

In my post, I mention how my ex-husband doesn't believe we need to talk about our past. I will write here what I replied to someone, since I had another conversation with my ex-husband.

I asked him if he wanted me to stop talking about our past. He told me if I wanted to talk about it, I could, and he would answer any question I have, but he sees no point in bringing things up now; they cannot be changed. He told me that the way he sees it, he hasn't fallen in love with the women he knew 20+ years ago; he hasn't fallen in love with the women he knew 10 years ago. He said he had fallen in love with the woman I have become, not the woman he had known all those years ago.

I was told I had a lot of self-flagellation in my post, so I will put what I replied to them.

A lot have commented about "self-flagellation." Yes, I believe you are right in saying this, and everything has been fine between us until I moved into the home we bought together many years ago. Of course, I have been in it before, but not like this, not alone with my own thoughts, looking outside where my kids used to play, looking at the table where we would have dinner together, helping with their homework, going into their rooms where they sleep, going in the bathroom where I would bathe them, and so on. All the things I have missed out on in their lives, all the memories we shared, and so on—it's just a lot to take in.

Should I be happy that I have my family back? Yes, and I am, but these thoughts don't cross my mind all the time; it's only when I'm alone, and I know I will have to work on these issues. Being back home for a month is not that long, and I think it will take me time to get used to it. The last month has been amazing in so many ways. My kids confide in me; they tell me their problems; they ask for my help. I'm very grateful for my ex-husband giving me a second chance, and I know I will do everything I can to not mess this up.

Original post.

I'm 42. I was with my ex-husband for 12 years, and we were married for 10 of them. We have been divorced for 10 years now. We have 3 kids—DD18, DS17, and DD16.

I would say we had a normal marriage for the first 7 years or so; we rarely fought, and if we did, we were never angry with each other for long. Having three young children and both of us working was tough, but we managed, and I would say we did a good job during those years.

We divorced because I confessed I had an affair; three weeks later, I got served divorce papers. During the divorce, he refused to speak or see me, and so did my kids. I did try to fix my marriage before I confessed my affair, but it was too late. What I had done to them was too much; they all hated me, and, rightfully so, I don't blame them; I deserved it.

I would say our marriage was bad before my affair, but that was also my fault as I got a promotion at work and it went downhill from there. My work became my life, and I neglected my ex-husband and my kids for close to three years.

After our divorce and for the next two and a half years, we had an okay relationship, but it only involved our kids. He wouldn't speak to me if we were alone. I did try, but he wouldn't respond. During this time, I was in therapy and also did family therapy to help rebuild my relationship with my kids. He would come sometimes, but not every time we had it. It took a long time for my kids to trust me again.

So after two and a half years, I continued therapy for another two years. Around this time, my ex-husband and kids had a better relationship with me; he would involve me in family day trips, school holidays, and other holidays; he would book me an extra room when they went on holiday; and it was his time with the kids. He also allowed me to join them on Christmas and birthdays as well; all this was done by asking the kids, and he gave them the option every time if they wanted me there. I will be forever grateful for him doing this, as I believe it helped me so much to fix my relationship with my kids.

I would say that for the next 5 years or so, our relationship got much better, but we never spent time alone with each other; we only spent it with family.
Over the years, I have asked my ex-husband if he wanted to try again, but he said no every time.

Around two years ago, we started to spend time alone together. We got to know each other again; he had changed so much and so had I, and around 15 months ago, when I asked him out on a date, he said yes, and it's been amazing ever since. We are more open, honest, and transparent with each other. This relationship is new, and I know we have a lot of history, but I'm not the same person I was before. I have changed a lot, and we have a much better relationship than we have ever had.

Last month, I moved in with him. I was doing fine up until this point. Sometimes I find myself just crying and asking myself how he could give me a second chance after all I did to break up our family. He never deserved anything I had done to him, and all of it was for my own selfish reasons.

We have spoken about everything many times over the years, and more so now. He told me he had forgiven me many years ago, and I actually believed I had forgiven myself, but I find I have not, and being back together has brought up so many bad memories.

Here is what the problem is: we have been living together for a month; this is the most time we have spent with each other in years. We do talk about what happened, but he believes we both fell out of love with each other over those three years; he accepts blame, but I don't see it that way. I made him fall out of love with me; I fell out of love with him because of my own selfish reasons.

I have started therapy again; it helped last time. My ex-husband believes we don't need to bring up the past at all and just move forward. He says we have a brand new relationship now and we don't need to talk about the past, but I believe we do need to talk about it, as we worked on ourselves separately and never worked on us as we were divorced.

Another conversation we have had is about people we have dated, the last time we saw them, and so on. When we first started to date, he asked if we could date other people. I agreed, and I never dated anyone other than him during those six months. I found out he never did either, which made me feel good, but he did mention a woman he had been seeing before those six months. I know her; she is 25.

I just blurted out loads of questions. He answered them all, and while he says it was just fun between them and no feelings, I still find myself comparing myself to her and wondering why he would pick me if he could just have someone younger. Yes, I know these are not healthy thoughts, and that is one of the reasons I'm going to therapy again.

Could someone remove the stop sign please, Sorry.

Mods alerted. Sorry, I didn't see this until now.

Stop sign removed

So are you looking for help with reconciliation after this long? What exactly are you looking to this community to help you with? I'm not saying that to be crass or attack you, but how do you want this group here to help you?

The way I read your post made it seem a bit to me, and again, this is how I saw/read it, you are almost questioning why your XBH would even consider a relationship with you. I mean, given the time and the work that both of you have done since the original infidelity broke your marriage and family apart, you are not what would be considered a typical WS.

I think the fact that your XBH isn't as concerned about the past events and what happened is because he has made peace with it and healed. It seems as though quite immediately after discovering your affair, which you revealed through confession, your XBH took action, divorced and detached from you. Following the actions he took from your story, he seemed to follow the BS moves to get out of infidelity as quickly as he could. He has had a lot of time to heal, work on himself and come to grips with what happened in his life and marriage during that time.

You mentioned at the end that he had casually dated a 25 year old and I assume that since you mentioned that you are 42 that he is somewhere in the ballpark. I'm in my late 30s and I cannot imagine having much in common with someone 17 years my junior. I mean, I remember what I was into in my early 20s versus today, and I'm not even sure I would be friends with myself 17 years ago, let alone with coeds in that age bracket. Sure, there is the obvious, the physical aspect, but even great sex can't alone sustain or be the basis for a relationship, and it just doesn't seem like your XBH is looking for someone to hookup with, seeing as how he has kids only a few years younger than this gal.

It does appear from your post that you may have done a lot of work in the recovery from infidelity, but you still have some healing and work to do on yourself. While you may not have the youth that this gal has, you obviously matter to him (see all the years he kept you close by and involved with himself and the kids) and that is really what is important.

Hi FWW. Thank you for sharing your story.

Correct me if Im wrong, but it sounds to me that one of your main concerns is that your BH may be rug sweeping/minimizing the past. Would that be correct?

Id like to contribute here, but before I do, can you fill us in a bit more beyond:

"We divorced because I confessed I had an affair;"

Im not trying to dredge up all of it, just get a better idea of the scope of the damage inflicted. Was it one time, weeks, months, years long? Was it conducted in your home? In your marital bed? Was it someone close to your BH? Were there sex acts you didnt do with your BH? Did you demonize him to your AP? Did you write a full and complete confession and timeline of the affair and give it to him? How old were you both when the affair was going on?

Again, NOT trying to dredge but to get a clearer picture of what the betrayal entailed (these are very common questions around here btw)

If you can see your way clear to sharing this information, it will be helpful.

Again, I affirm your decision to post here and hope you'll continue.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:49 PM, Wednesday, November 22nd]

Lots of self-flagellation in this, too.

Who are you to make decisions for your H about whom he loves? He gets to choose his likes and loves. TBH, I loved my W for exactly the things she hated most about herself. But that's who she was/is, that's how she behaved, and that's what drew people to her - not a lot of people, but some deep relationships that would have been healthy if my W had liked and loved herself.

After d-day, she said again and again that she didn't understand why I wanted to R with her. But that wasn't her job. My job was to make my decisions for myself. Her job was to keep redeeming herself if she wanted to keep me around.

You've done a lot of work on yourself - just one small step to go: accept yourself, love yourself, despite your imperfections.

You did a terrible thing. You're taking responsibility for yourself You're redeeming yourself. What more can anyone ask?

I take a historical view of life. To repeat Bor's message, I remember 40-50 years ago better than I remember 15-25. I look my age. I sometimes think I feel it, too, though usually I think I'm 22 and wonder why I can't do the things I did at 22. I think hot 50 and 60 year olds would place me in the friend zone at best.

So are you looking for help with reconciliation after this long? What exactly are you looking to this community to help you with? I'm not saying that to be crass or attack you, but how do you want this group here to help you?

Sorry, my post is all over the place. Maybe I shouldn't have copied and pasted what I had written on the other site and started a new one with questions I wanted answered. From people who have been in my shoes, I'm not saying all cheaters think alike, but I wanted to know if what I have been feeling was normal after so many years. I have been getting a lot of messages on the other site I'm on, and many are saying that what I'm going through is not something that happens often; some have even said it's the first time they have read a story like mine. Getting back together 10 years after divorce.

I have had a few sessions of therapy since I first posted on the other site, and she believes that being in our house has brought up a lot of old memories. She believes that I'm fixating on the past because I never got to tell him so many things during our divorce, so I'm trying to do it now. She believes I'm trying to fix something that is not broken. These feelings have only started since I moved back home. I think only therapy can help with what I'm going through. I do apologise for wasting people's time. I will answer a few questions I have been asked.

Correct me if Im wrong, but it sounds to me that one of your main concerns is that your BH may be rug sweeping/minimizing the past. Would that be correct?

I don't believe my ex-husband is minimising the past; he believes we are in a new relationship, and our past does not matter to him.

Was it one time, weeks, months, years long?

1 year

Was it conducted in your home?

no

In your marital bed?

no

Was it someone close to your BH?

no

Were there sex acts you didnt do with your BH?

No, it was no different than what I and my ex-husband had done, but there was a difference: during my affair, I never had sex with my ex-husband.

Did you demonize him to your AP?

no

Did you write a full and complete confession and timeline of the affair and give it to him?

My ex-husband knows everything I did with the other guy and what I felt during my affair. Years ago, I gave him something I wrote that had every detail and everything that had happened.

How old were you both when the affair was going on?

30s

Correct me if Im wrong, but it sounds to me that one of your main concerns is that your BH may be rug sweeping/minimizing the past. Would that be correct?

I don't believe my ex-husband is minimising the past; he believes we are in a new relationship, and our past does not matter to him.

Was it one time, weeks, months, years long?

1 year

Was it conducted in your home?

no

In your marital bed?

no

Was it someone close to your BH?

no

Were there sex acts you didnt do with your BH?

No, it was no different than what I and my ex-husband had done, but there was a difference: during my affair, I never had sex with my ex-husband.

Did you demonize him to your AP?

no

Did you write a full and complete confession and timeline of the affair and give it to him?

My ex-husband knows everything I did with the other guy and what I felt during my affair. Years ago, I gave him something I wrote that had every detail and everything that had happened.

How old were you both when the affair was going on?

30s

Thank you for clarifying.

So, a year long affair all while in a completely sexless marriage.

I see a lot of positives here. Youve come clean. Youve worked on yourself. Your BH took swift action and asserted his self determination by divorcing. You slowly grew a new relationship over a decade. Youve successfully co-parented. Your BH has recognized the change in you and allowed incremental increase in access to his life allowing you to get to this point. He is ok with your need to discuss the past when you feel the need though he doesnt feel the need to bring it up himself. You are grateful for all of this. All good things...BUT...theres this:

A lot have commented about "self-flagellation." Yes, I believe you are right in saying this, and everything has been fine between us until I moved into the home we bought together many years ago. Of course, I have been in it before, but not like this, not alone with my own thoughts, looking outside where my kids used to play, looking at the table where we would have dinner together, helping with their homework, going into their rooms where they sleep, going in the bathroom where I would bathe them, and so on. All the things I have missed out on in their lives, all the memories we shared, and so on—it's just a lot to take in.

I think youre being triggered. Big time. Youve moved back into tbe marital home. A space that is literally thick with the memories youve described. These memories also bring up a deep sense of loss of course and fast behind this guilt and remorse. Some of this is understandable, however, there is a big danger here. That danger is losing yourself to shame and then self sabotaging. This needs to be dealt with strongly. Youve allowed a big part of your past to be stolen, but much is now beginning to be restored. Dont allow shame-driven self-sabotage threaten this promising new future that you are on the threshold of!

Listen, there are many great posts on this site written by Waywards dealing with triggers, shame and self sabotaging. Maybe another Wayward can refer you to some. Give yourself time to acclimate to being back in your marital home. Keep talking about this phenomenon with your therapist. I believe the negative impact will fade and youll be able to more fully embrace the good things that are happening and youll be able to be more present in the midst of it.

Thank you for coming here and posting your story.

I think what may be happening to your husband is he still feels some hurt when he thinks about it.

I know I do from time to time when I think of sad times in my past, and I am up in my 80s.

For example, my father passed away 43 years ago. He was up in his 70s when he suffered a massive stroke and died 3 days later. Nothing unusual in the manner of his passing. However, to this day if I am alone and think about it, I still get sad.

he believes we are in a new relationship, and our past does not matter to him.

It is not exactly rug-sweeping, per se. I get the impression your husband would rather not think about it and dredged up old hurts. Why feel sad and hurt when you don't have to?

Just my opinion.

For the last 6 - 7 years, memories of my W's A have been annoyances to me. They come up if I read or see something that triggers me or when I'm feeling down on myself.

I've healed more than my W has, but then I think WSes virtually always have more to heal from than BSes do, because I think WSes cheat in order to avoid dealing with their issues. That leaves them with dealing with their original issues and all the issues that they caused by cheating.

BSes have to resolve the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come from being betrayed. To heal, they also need to resolve the issues that they avoided before d-day, but those issues didn't come from their WS's A(s).

Every so often I check myself to see if I'm pretending an issue doesn't exist. When I find one, I deal with it. I haven't rug-swept much of anything about the A, and I haven't rug-swept anything at all about the A that has come into my awareness.

ll we have here is what you've shared about your subjective fear, just as this post is my subjective optimism, but your H may very well have healed.

If he weren't willing to discuss your A, I'd lean towards rug-seeping. Since he'll talk with you about it, I lean towards healing.