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So it has almost been a week of the second nuclear bomb going off in our lives. I asked for more details and he did give them, although I think there's more. He trickled more details via text this morning too. Its just exhausting and traumatizing and its not a pain that you can have lots of support for. If I had been diagnosed with cancer for example, then itd be ok for everyone to know and pitch in support. With this I don't even want to go anywhere because then I have to pretend. How do I do things like homeschool co-op or church or family events and act normal so no one judges him so he has a chance to heal? Its just so him focused and its not fair. I just feel stuck waiting for his first appointment on fri. But even that is not clear thinking. It will take weeks of therapy to even glaze the surface of him working on himself before I can see what he truly is. I'm just so exhausted.

It's a difficult journey, little sister, and it's a different path for everyone. Healing takes time and energy and it isn't easy. Some times you take a few steps forward. Sometimes you take a few steps back. And sometimes you don't go anywhere. But as long as you keep your end goal in mind, you will be making progress even if it doesn't seem so apparent at first.

It's normal to experience a wide range of emotions - sadness, anger, fear... even moments of hope or relief. Don't judge yourself for feeling a certain way - it's all part of it.

You have to acknowledge the pain to work through it. But equally important is to acknowledge your own inner strength and ability to deal with all this. The mind is a fascinating construct - as a fully conscious being we are able to redirect and realign in time. When hurting, it helps to explore the hurt and ask ourselves questions - what am I really afraid of, what do I really need, what can I do within this context to take control of the situation, what do the possible outcomes look like, etc. If we can self reflect and better understand ourselves, then we can better understand what we need. We can then work with that to understand how to get to where we need to be. We also have to acknowledge what is and isn't within our power. We can't control the outcome, only control the choices that we make and we can only be responsible for ourselves (and through that we can affirm our duty to our loved ones).

Be patient with yourself and the expectations that you set for yourself. Try to simplify to a few things you want to accomplish in a day, and make sure one of those things is something just for you (like talking a walk at sunrise, enjoying a hot bath at night, reading a chapter from your favourite book). They don't have to be big things. These little steps will help you to comprehend your own power and rebuild your self esteem and self respect.

When facing that crushing anxiety it is helpful to have some constructive outlets. Exercise is great for this (the more intense and instantly exhausting, the better) to relieve the initial stress, and then positive self assurance can help redirect the negative self talk and doubt.

its not fair

No... it really isn't. But that doesn't mean we don't have to deal with it. Nor does that mean we can't deal with it. We only get to decide how we deal with it, but there is some liberation in that fact if we can accept the uncertainty. Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Please understand that it's okay to feel vulnerable - you're doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances.

You need a space to vent, rage, and process. Does your church have a pastor or someone you can talk to? Have you looked into IC? is there a friend or family member you trust to support you no matter how this ends up that you can talk to IRL? I had some good luck with an online IC. FIND SUPPORT FOR YOU.

STOP worrying about his healing. Worry about yours. Focus on you.
The only way to get through this is you heal you, he heals himself. He has to lead that charge. You, meanwhile, need to do whatever it takes to heal. And talking to someone is critical.

Also, take LONG walks, go to the gym, drive somewhere rural in your car and scream your head off. Punch pillows. Freeze water on plates then smash those ice plates.

I agree with what's been posted so far. Practicing radical self care (radical meaning you are actively thinking about and looking for ways to take great care of yourself. small or large). Also finding support for yourself. A best friend, a sister, a mother, a pastor, a therapist. Or all of the above. You need an outlet and you need to feel loved and heard.

One thing I did was journal. At first it was pages of ranting, emotional whiplash type stuff. Just dumping what felt like 1000 feelings on the page.

Eventually, I started naming one feeling and writing about that. Or I'd take one piece of the infidelity story and write how I felt about it, why I felt that way and then soothe and comfort myself.

For example: I nearly caught my WH a year before Dday. I found a whatsapp text from his AP on his phone. It was only two words and could have meant anything or nothing. I asked him about it and got some lame excuse. Anyway, flash forward to Dday and I ask him about it and he says they both panicked, deleted the app and found a new way to communicate.

That caused a flood of feelings for me. I broke it down. Pain, disgust, anger at myself for not pushing right then and there. I then broke down each of those feelings. I remember through writing how I boiled it down to THEM conspiring against me. Now of course they did but in the early days I just didn't have a handle on how affairs worked.

Through writing I felt the devastation of being the "enemy" to my very own husband. More feelings come up from that and I kept writing... you get the idea. Like a detective to my own heart, I just keep following one feeling after the next, writing out my pain, anger or whatever and self soothing when I could see, over time, how sick the whole thing was and it wasn't on me.

Maybe that can help you too.

I'm actually reading through my journal from last time right now. And although my kids have no clue why we're fighting, the kids have talked about how great moms friend is that brought food for mom, and the kids, whos taken the kids to give them breaks too in the first week after the secobd time I'm here. I definitely do have support. And I'm grateful. If I so much as whisper the word divorce to my dad and stepmom they'll swope in and help me however they can. In only being one week out from the 2nd time we're in this place as a couple there's so much to observe. When I'm thinking clearly I can see how much WH lives in a fantasy world. But I can also see where I did too. No matter how bad it was I somehow took part or most of the blame...and my eyes are opening more and more to how selfish WH was/is and how he didn't care about me. It wasn't much of a partnership. And it alternates between deep, soul crushing defeat that I wasn't good enough and a numbness that I can only pray will make me stronger. Thank the Lord for friends who repeatedly real me back from the deep end.

Maybe start journaling that negative self talk. We ALL felt that way at some point. Why wasn't I good enough? But that kind of thinking keeps you down.

My trauma therapist had me journal negative self talk and then answer it back. Think of it like one of your children coming to you and saying "mom, I'm a loser," and how you would respond to that. Say those things to yourself in your journal. It sounds a little corny but repeating positive things about yourself (affirmations) does rewire the brain. Meaning, if you commit to changing those thoughts, you will eventually believe them.

In my experience, as my strength in myself grew, the pain went down almost exponentially.

The selfishness of a wayward can run so deep it's like a black hole that swallows everything around it. It's not that you weren't good enough, it's that no one is. No one can fill that black hole for him. Not even a team of women.

Please focus on separating his actions from your worth. They simply aren't related.

Thank you TheEnd. That's actually a good idea. I know I've got a ton of weight I'm putting on myself and doesn't belong there. Itcwas something my therapist was already working with me on and then this happened and its like I've lost what I was learning 😔. Today is my next therapy session. Only the 2nd session after all of this came to light.

Based on your previous story of 8 documented affairs, this marriage is over and you deserve much better. Take him to the cleaners.

My betrayal trauma specialist had me go through an exercise similar to the one mentioned by TheEnd. The first paragraph was to write down all the negative self-talk that I had through the day. The second paragraph was to read paragraph #1 like I was the friend you were telling this and provide a response, and the third paragraph was to write a more realistic view of what had happened.

What also helped me was to find an I AM affirmation on YouTube, and I did it every day for about 3 months. (I picked the one that made me cry when I repeated the phrases.) Doing meditation also helped. When I start on a thought spiral, I will take some cleansing breaths and do a breathing exercise to bring me back to the present and reduce the spiraling thoughts.

I don't think you've truly grasped how selfish your WH's cheating is. You barely registered in his thoughts during that time. It was all about him and what he wanted. You were just collateral damage. When I took a step back and looked at my XWH's behavior, I barely registered in his thought process because I was just an object for him to use.

YOU ARE ENOUGH! Your WH is the one who is lacking. Nothing you did or didn't do, said or did say, looked or didn't look did not cause him to cheat that is all on him. I mean, Adam Levine is/was married to a Victoria's Secret underwear model and he cheated. Shakira, Jennifer Aniston, Halle Berry (just to name a few) have been cheated on. They had looks, they had money, they had access to lots of places - and they were still cheated on. It isn't you - it is him.

For me, it was crucial to start noticing what I was actually feeling. To do that, I had to keep it very simple - I had to choose between a very limited set of feeling words: mad, sad, glad, scared, ashamed.

In therapy, I learned to let the feelings flow through my body. In fact, now that I think of it, if I named a feeling and didn't feel it in my body, I knew I named the wrong feeling. It is named a 'feeling', after all, because one feels/senses it in one's body.

*****

I say the following to offer another approach to dealing with attack-self messages, based on what works for me. I'm not arguing that my approach is better than TheEnd's. The goal is for each of us to find something that works well for us. I've found it useful to listen to my self-talk but not to write it down, because writing it down - even repeating it to myself - increases the attack-self self talk's power. What works for me is hearing the self talk but not letting sentences complete. That somehow doesn't hurt and, at the same time, allows me to figure out the antithesis of the attack on myself.

To repeat, even though I know how an attack-self message will end, not completing the sentence allows me to ward off the attack. That makes no sense at all - but it works for me.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:43 PM, Thursday, October 26th]

It is really difficult, but I found that being honest about the fact that it was something we were going through made it easier. People don't need details, but just sharing with the closest friend that you have a challenge you are dealing with takes a little bit of the stress off without 'gossiping' about the details.

CoderMom offers a great suggestion.

You are still early days, and it sounds like the revelations are trickling out on his end and that you're continually dealing with both the initial shock of "how could he possibly do this AGAIN?" and the trauma of it all. So it's okay to not take any strong action right now.

But let me give you another perspective.

He knew how destructive, self-focused, and hurtful this was after the first betrayal. Yet he still chose this. He is also chosing to protect himself by controlling the flow of information and trickling it out.

You don't need to carry the weight of his secrets. You really don't. It doesn't have to be your burden.

It's okay to reach out for support. Maybe that's just a close sibling or 1 or 2 friends. Or other family members you can trust.

It was helpful for me in the early days to build a small safety net of people who knew.

For me, I picked people who I knew could be trusted to not tell others or blow it up further. I also picked people who I felt would listen more and just be supportive, rather than give strong advice.

I was so fragile that I knew I needed time to find my own path. But it was helpful to not be alone.

It would also be okay if you decide not to keep the secret at all at some point, something along the lines of:
"How are you doing?"
"You know, not well since my husband decided to have girlfriends on the side."

I know that seems shocking, but I know someone who did pretty much that and found it empowering.

My point is, whatever you decide is okay.

But it is okay to not keep someone else's secret that did and still IS doing damage to you. It's necessary for you to be supported.

As a final side note, trust those "ah-ha"s you're having about his self-centered behavior.

I want to second what Breaking Bad wrote. Keeping their secrets is a terrible, terrible burden. And in a lot of cases, we see that keeping their secret was a favor... to them. They get to continue on being as selfish or disloyal as they'd like because now there spouse is covering for them.

Think about that. You're covering for him.

I'm not one for blasting it to the whole world, but some key people to offload that burden from yourself.

Like Breaking Bad, I also chose those that would be supportive but not bossy or judgmental. We all need to find our way in our time. My therapist once said to me "A true friend meets you where you are, not where they think you should be."

Pick someone like that.