SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So it’s 10 pm here on a Friday night. My H is out of the country.

I called him an hour ago and he didn’t answer his phone. Texted him - no response. Not a big deal. He might be asleep.

But immediately my mind goes to - wonder what he’s doing. I wonder if he’s out at a club or bar or whatever. And who is he talking to.

So yes while we are happily reconciled 10 years, there is always the underlying element of doubt. The "what if" opportunity.

Funny thing as I’ve mentioned my H traveled for his job for 20 years. Sometimes weeks at a time. I always knew he had opportunities to cheat and I wasn’t naive to think it could not have happened. And yes he would get away with it.

So while I do not think my H is currently cheating — I see opportunity every so often and pause to think. I can no longer say with 100% certainty "he’s not that kind of person".

How sad you can think of your spouse in that way.

Just something I wish cheaters could or would understand. But not sure some of them would care.

I'm sorry if you're feeling a bit down with that thought, 1stWife.

I think in life that really there's nothing you can ever be 100% sure of. There's always an element of risk.

The question is, if your faith in what you have is strong enough to outweigh it.

It certainly sucks that our spouses can shatter that faith.

But in the same respect, they can grow as individuals as well, with open eyes to what they are capable of and understanding how to make healthier choices, and help to rebuild that faith. I think that some of them do truly understand what they've done, and it's a choice for both partners to make to move past that together. And I do think that although the relationship will be different, that it can be stronger i some ways, if both partners are committed to it.

It's okay to ask questions. It means it's important to you.

Thank you for the response.

I’m not feeling down about it b/c in the grand scheme if things I don’t dwell on it.

It was an observation and one that is present even though we have R and we are happy.

I don’t think anything would surprise me any longer. Ten years ago during his affair period we had our 25th anniversary. My H planned a very romantic overnight at a top hotel etc.

Turns out while I thought we had R he had resumed the affair the week before.

I know it would bother me if my H thought I was cheating and I’m sure it would bother my H now if he knew I had thoughts he might be cheating.

And then there’s the possibility that people can and will do things knowing they could get away with it. 🤪

I’m sure it would bother my H now if he knew I had thoughts he might be cheating.

Does it bother you at all that you have those thoughts? I know you're not dwelling on it, but how does it make you feel? Or is it something just more purely observational?

I get what you're saying. Once the affair is blown, the realization of what is possible is now forever engrained into our being. The word trust has a whole new meaning. You go from walking through a rolling pasture field to walking through a minefield. You are constantly on the lookout for danger, and, at least for me, I have to be ever diligent to the newly discovered dangers around me. It is mentally exhausting.

SerJR

It doesn’t bother me at all that I have these thoughts.

I think it would bother him that I think this way but I know he would understand it.

I plan to have a very nice weekend and enjoying my alone time. Had a nice dinner w/one of my kids last night. Just the two of us.

Watched one of my favorite movies last night Gaslight on TCM channel. How fitting lol 😂.

I get exactly what you mean 1stwife. Liking copingmybest said, I think it's that we're in it, but with eyes fully open this time and aware of what could happen.

I think it would bother him that I think this way but I know he would understand it.

That's an interesting question... and it has a second part. I wonder if he has those same thoughts himself?

I'm no longer with my xww and am happily remarried, but after having dealt with infidelity I matured in the sense that I realised I could have done that to. That anyone is "technically capable" of cheating, sliding down that slippery slope because you got too close to the edge, what have you. Before that, I would have said "impossible", but I gained a level in self-awareness to know that "no, it is possible under the wrong circumstances with a few weak decisions", and it's a thought in the back of my mind, whenever I talk to a pretty girl, to ensure that I'm not crossing any lines and that the boundaries are up. I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I certainly "wouldn't", I technically "could", so I instinctively make sure that that will never happen.

I don't think that's a bad thing, I think it's quite healthy in fact. It would be interesting to know if your H has similar thoughts, and I would say good on him if he does. I don't know if you want to pick at an old scar, but it could be an interesting conversation to have with him. I hope that makes sense.

Watched one of my favorite movies last night Gaslight on TCM channel. How fitting lol.

Been 16 years since I first heard of that movie, here, and I still haven't seen it yet

The1stWife,

Thank you for this post because it it exactly describes how I felt when things began to unravel.

So while I do not think my H is currently cheating — I see opportunity every so often and pause to think. I can no longer say with 100% certainty "he’s not that kind of person".

How sad you can think of your spouse in that way.

Just something I wish cheaters could or would understand. But not sure some of them would care.

When I found out my mom (Bless her Soul) was terminally ill I went back to my home state to spend time with her. I had to leave suddenly, so the wife had to stay home (watch the dog, prepare our old home for sale, etc.) On my last night in the hotel room, the "What If" questions started popping into my mind, the worst they have ever been since 2009 (the first D Day.)

I started reading on Quora about cheaters and that was a terrible rabbit hole. I was reading stories about cheaters that hookup the minute their spouse is out of the house and on the way to work. Spouses that will be at a restaurant with their husband and have a rendezvous with an online hookup that meets them in the bathroom of the restaurant and she proceeds to give him a blowjob and comes back to her husband at the table, gently folds her napkin onto her lap, take a sip of her wine, and looks lovingly at him as if nothing at all happened. Similar things have probably happened to people on this forum right now.

I came back home convinced (every fiber of my being felt this) the affair with the female colleague was not the only one. Whether it was ONS or EA or PA, I KNEW I was not getting the truth. I brought this up and grilled her more times than I should have and it caused a lot of friction. Fast forward 15 months and she finally admitted to two EAs and one PA (or possible ONS.) In this case my gut feeling was true.

I guess what I want to say is that if I felt 100% certain she was truthful and faithful other than this affair, I would have never gone down the rabbit hole on Quora, and the What If thoughts would have not been as profound. In my case not having 100% certainty eventually helped me because we will now either have a true R or finally the S / D that I require.

I think that the What If thoughts are a destructive force in relationships where the BS is in R. I think I am one of the lucky ones that actually benefitted from the What If questions, if that even makes any sense?

* Edited for typos 10.19.23 *

[This message edited by wondayatatime at 5:18 PM, Thursday, October 19th]

It just shows the permanent damage that is done by infidelity. The WS shows what they are capable of that is something that will never go away. I don't believe "once a cheater always a cheater", but "Once a cheater always capable of it". I will never have the blind faith I once did and I will always trust my gut.

Hi Tanner

I will never have the blind faith I once did and I will always trust my gut.

100% and it mostly sucks and it's actually not even fair to a truly remorseful fWS. The term "gut feeling" has passed the test of time bc I think it's something that some human's have, particularly the ones that are not the strongest, smartest, fastest, or best-looking folks in the room. Yet somehow they survived and were able to pass their genes down through the generations where on paper they did not have any advantage or "apparent" value to add to the gene pool. Yet here we are.

I'm so glad you posted this The1stWife not that you are struggling, but that others (like me) know they aren't alone in their troubles.

Every time Mr. Chaos travels, I feel everything you wrote. And that makes for a scary and lonely night. I do all the self care, try to keep busy and limit to one glass of wine while reading. And brace myself for a long and lonely night. The next day congratulate myself for getting through. Repeat until he returns.

Blind faith trust has been shattered. And knowing what WH was capable of is disconcerting at best.

You are right. Cheaters don't care. APs don't care. Those reformed, they care. Many times much more than they admit. That's what Mr. Chaos tells me anyway. On good days, I believe this. On bad days, I remember 1.5 years of the LTA was underground after DDay1.

In the end, you aren't alone. I am glad you posted. I know it been a bit more than a week since you posted this. How are you now? Has anything changed? Is there anything we can do for you?

Hi Chaos,

Every time Mr. Chaos travels, I feel everything you wrote. And that makes for a scary and lonely night. I do all the self care, try to keep busy and limit to one glass of wine while reading. And brace myself for a long and lonely night. The next day congratulate myself for getting through. Repeat until he returns.

I could have written my own version of this. I have not had the opportunity to congratulate myself to get through the night because of the negative self talk that takes place. And I find myself ashamed of the places that I have gone in my imagination. They are also places I could never have imagined even existing back before March 2009.

The1stWife, I hope you are well and feeling secure, you certainly deserve that and it's not too much to ask for, or so it seems. But we've had that stolen from us, haven't we?

Things are good here. No complaints. Husband is traveling last two days and happy to have the alone time.

Funny thing about cheaters. For those with deep regret about their choices, I am certain that had anyone told them what life looks like after the infidelity is discovered, I doubt they would have cared.

I don’t think it would change one thing.

I think many cheaters believe they will never get caught. So they don’t take into account the fall out.

I think the hardest thing is separating the idea that the cheater chose to cheat because if their own issues. Yet the betrayed is so personally and negatively impacted by that choice. When in fact it has nothing to do with the BS at all.

I think the hardest thing is separating the idea that the cheater chose to cheat because if their own issues. Yet the betrayed is so personally and negatively impacted by that choice. When in fact it has nothing to do with the BS at all.

It is a mind-fuck for sure.

I think many cheaters believe they will never get caught. So they don’t take into account the fall out.

Mr. Chaos claimed he knew I'd "eventually find out" but convinced himself that "it would be so far in the past it really wouldn't bother me all that much" The reality of the fall out didn't compute with any of the lies he told himself.

Slight T/J here -

I have not had the opportunity to congratulate myself to get through the night because of the negative self talk that takes place.

wondayatatime - you are here and you survived. I'd say that was worthy of congratulating yourself for. I'm giving you a 80s worthy Standing Slow Clap.

End T/J