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I recently found out that my partner had sex with another man that was working on our house while I was at work. We have been together for 13 years and have a 9 year old daughter together.

Back in September last year we were having work done on the house by a guy that I know and his brother. As the job progressed I did start to notice that my partner and the brother seemed to be getting on better than I would have liked, but I trusted her and thought nothing more of it.

The brother later offered to paint the outside of the house which we agreed to. I now realise why! He never finished the painting and later stopped turning up to finish the job. I assumed he had just let us down and decided to finish the work with a friend.

Fast forward to February this year and I noticed a message on my social media from November last year but as I rarely look at it I didn’t notice it until 3 months later. It was from the brothers wife, her husband and my partner had been messaging each other and she had found intimate pictures on his phone. My partner denied everything and said her email account had been hacked. His wife later sent me one of the pictures and I recognised that is was my partner but she still denied it. Again, I think I must have been blinded by love because for some reason I decided to let it go.

Fast forward to March and we are on holiday with family and friends. By now I am really suspicious as I’ve noticed she’s messaging all evening and she had been hiding her phone a lot lately and even taking it into the shower with her. So, on that evening we went out we all spent time in the hot tub. She asked me to take a picture of her which I did. Later that evening after she fell asleep I decided to check her phone. Within an hour of me taking the photo she had sent it to another guy and they had been messaging each other all evening. In the conversation she broached the subject of "getting naughty in the hot tub" and they both went on to say that nothing naughty happens in their relationship. The rest of the chat did seem to be just friendly to be fair. The other man is married.

After laying there with my heart beating out of my chest all night I confronted her the following morning. Had to be calm as we were on holiday with friends and family. She told me that they are just ‘friends’ and they have been messaging for years.

After all of this I managed to catch up with the brother and confronted him. I called his bluff and said I knew they had slept together but wanted to know how many times. He said only once so at that point I finally knew for sure that they had.

I just don’t know what to do. She says she loves me and will never hurt me again but as you can see, I’m really struggling to trust her and my head is all over the place.

Will she ever change? I feel like I don’t even know who she is anymore.

Welcome to SI. I’m sure like the rest of us, it is a place you never wanted to be. You will receive good support. Read in the healing library. Get tested for STDs. I assume you are not M, but you are in a committed, monogamous relationship or so you thought. The most important thing is to take care of you and your health. Take care of your child. Do not rugsweep your WGF’s infidelity and do not accept any blame for her cheating. It sounds from your description your WGF enjoys pursuing other men. Enjoys the ego kibbles and the pursuit. In doing so she has destroyed the trust in your relationship.

She needs to demonstrate remorse for her infidelity through her actions. She needs to dig deep to figure out how she became so broken as to cheat on you. Is she offering transparency? Has she written a timeline of her A? Take your time to process the emotions of being betrayed. You will be on an emotional roller coaster for a lengthy period. In time you will figure out whether this is a dealbreaker for you. Get support from family and friends, and get into IC if available. Good luck. Always value yourself.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:44 AM, Saturday, September 23rd]

Welcome to SI, sorry you had to find us but glad you did. A couple of questions, you said she sent the picture and was messaging "another guy" is this the Brother or another guy? Did you confront her about the AP admitting to sex?

If she loves you and won't hurt you again she needs to go NC (no contact with him or any other man) She needs to write a detailed timeline of Who, what, when, how, and why. There are many other steps but step one is getting out of infidelity hell.

Again welcome to SI you are in safe place to navigate the mess she put you in.

Oh yea get your money back for the work that was done.

Spread the news on social media not to hire this joker.

I'm so sorry you find yourself here and the first thing that leaps out at me is how much your wife has gaslit you :( I am so terribly sorry, that's incredibly abusive to lie to your face and behave the way she has.

Let's begin with the first things. In terms of your wife, go to the Wayward section and copy and paste the contents of the post "what every WS needs to know". Email it to her. It's a quick start guide for her.

Second of all, put in place these bare minimum boundaries for this initial period:

A) NO Contact of ANY kind with the brother. Block him on everything.

B) Get access to her phone, email and socials and make clear for at least the next 60 days you are monitoring all her communication

C) she has to account for her whereabouts at all times

D) she has to write a timelime / confession to you with every detail of what she's done. Explain omitting anything with make your marriage unlikely to recover.

E) send a message from her, which you compose together, to the brother (and his wife I'd suggest!) apologising for her behaviour and saying their will be no further contact. The wife might not know everything and it works in your favour if she does

F) explain to her that if you catch her in a single lie from here on, she can pack her bags

Those things might sound harsh, but your question was: "how can I trust her?" And the answer is: "you can't". So verify everything. Monitor everything. Until you see real remorse.

Next up, she should start counselling as she will need to work out why she was seeking attention like this. Rest assured it'll be down to some deep problems in her, and nothing to do with you.

I'd recommend ordering a very short book called "how to help your spouse heal from your affair". It's short and helpful for these early stages.

You're in a place where everyone here has either been in your shoes, or your wife's shoes.

Recovery is hard work, but can work out brilliantly and give you a better marriage but she will need to commit a lot of effort and a lot of personal growth.

When your spouse has done this stuff, you'll find the phases are a lot like death: shock / denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance. They will all come in a non linear way.

I am truly sorry. The lying to your face like that is tough. But you'll learn here that good people whovlove you are capable of doing terrible things and it doesn't have to mean things are over unless that's what one of you wants.

It's also a really long affair for sex to have happened only once.

Have her write out a detailed timeline, then take her for a polygraph.

You can’t fix her. You can’t change her. She has some sort of uncontrollable need to do this. She needs intense therapy and you need a break. Sometimes the other person’s issues are so consuming that there is nothing left to give to the partner. Her need is sexual validation based on what you wrote. How in the world are you going to maintain any sort of life with this in your face every day? I hope you get some therapy as well. Do Not Try Marriage Counseling. The marriage isn’t sick, she is, and it is going to take years off your life unless you look after yourself.

I’m so sorry,

The answer is no you cannot trust her.

Not at all.

You have to understand some things.

Your marriage is over. Your wife destroyed it.

You cannot fix it. She has to fix it.

She has to want this marriage. She needs to fight for it. You need to protect yourself.

Rules need to be put in place. But you can’t be her jailer. She has to voluntarily accept them.

Also bad behavior needs consequences. She needs to see that one slip up of any kind and marriage is permanently over.

The first thing you need to do is contact a lawyer. You need to know what divorce will look like and if they can give you any advice on how to protect yourself.

Do that immediately as you can make a lot of big mistakes.

You don’t have to file but you need as much information as possible so you can make good decisions.

Don’t worry about saving the marriage yet. You are not out of the investigation phase. There is a lot you don’t know.

Highly recommend you get the book "Not Just Friends".

If you were in a university course on infidelity that is the text book they would hand you.

You’ll see a lot of the same things in it that we are saying to you.

Read it first. The. Make her read it. If she can’t be bothered then it’s over.

She needs to come clean. Fully clean. No more secrets.

Get the timeline and polygraph. Immediately.

They had a lot of opportunities for sex only once. Remember he is probably still lying to you to keep it from his wife.

You know why he stopped painting. His wife found out most likely.

I would contact that man’s wife. Tell her everything you know. Tell her you are considering divorcing your wife and you could use more info. Her hatred of your wife might give her incentive to dig further. She can be a valuable source of info.

Next contact that guy on the phones wife. Tell her everything. She may be able to tell you more.

Also it will show your wife there will be consequences for more "just a friends"

Tell the wife of the brother first then I would call your friend. Call the wife first because your friend might try to protect his brother. If he is a real friend he may come clean and tell you more.

I would frame it to him that you think she is a serial cheater and you think you should divorce but she is trying to save it. If he has a heart and is your friend he won’t want you hurt anymore.

I would also suggest if there is family near by to have your wife go stay with them for a while. She wants to be single give her a taste of what it’s like.

Maybe she likes it so your marriage should end.

She needs to see what she is going to lose.

And she needs to know your are real serious.

If she has good family I would notify them as well. Be careful who you notify on your side because they may eternally hate her.

Keep your side close.

Her side tell anyone and everyone you want.

People will tell you she needs to get into counseling. That’s true but you need to find one for her. Don’t let her chose. She will chose some open marriage, polyamory coddling counseling that doesn’t make her feel bad.

She needs someone who will hold her accountable.

Might I suggest you start with a "Gottman institute" counselor. They may be able to help if you go down that route.

Weekends are slow here. Others with more knowledge will come along.

Listen to the people here they know what they are talking about and have helped 1000’s of people.

This is going to be hard. It’s counterintuitive that taking steps to end your marriage might actually save it.

You have to be willing to walk away. She needs to be moving mountains to save this marriage.

She needs consequences. No more phone BS, no more "just a friend", no more uncomfortable flirting.

Don’t take it easy or it will just keep happening and eventually she will probably leave you.

I’m so sorry,

I wish you the best.

One last thing.

They had sex in your home.

You have to move one way or another.

This is even in many of the professional books.

The house will always be a trigger for you.

And for her. She will remember what she did.

Even if you divorce you don’t want her staying in the home with your daughter while you move out.

Finances are tough but get that in your plans immediately.

Trust me no paint job or new furniture is going to get rid of that trigger.

The house is forever tainted.

Another consequence of your wife.

Hi DkH40.
Your personal situation kinda reminds me of a recent story, "My Wife Doesn't Know, I Know She Is Cheating" (ShameIHaveNoFriends).
It's the same predicament, you kinda already knew but you chose to"ignore" it, because you were afraid of the consequences.
Tbh, in my opinion, you are on really shaky foundations, your wife did it with a guy working for you, in your home while you were working and their contact still lasted a long time after the work was done. Your wife did it really brazenly. I don't believe they only did it once, that's a good one and it's always this one. Only once...
I don't see any basis for reconciliation in this matter, I'm sorry.

Here’s what is concerning me:

You caught her once already with pretty damning evidence. What happened after that? Life as usual?

This near miss event, that she miraculously got away with, should have been a HUGE bracing wake-up call for her. But instead, she doubled down on her betrayal and then went on to start a new, a different, affair knowing full well the effect this was having on you, knowing full well the consequences, and not giving a shit.

These are two, that you know of, premeditated betrayals where she very consciously and thoughtfully chose to betray you, with total disregard. It’s not like she got caught up on some slippery slope, swept away by overwhelming emotion while in a vulnerable state. It’s not like she slipped up while in a drunken ONS. She is repeatedly burning you and in a very disrespectful manner, in your own home with a guy you’re paying.

I consider this akin to serial cheating. This is very serious and requires immediate definitive action.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:46 PM, Saturday, September 23rd]

Thanks everyone for your replies, it has really given me a lot to think about.

Sorry for not making it clear but we are not married. We are however in a committed monogamous relationship, or so I thought.

The last day he worked on our house was 14th October. My WGF then sent him a picture on 27th.

2 and half weeks later his wife found the picture on his phone. She then contacted my WGF to confront her when she denied everything and then changed her account on social media.

2 weeks after that his wife tried to contact me.

I didn’t see the message until 3 months later which is why I didn’t see it until February.

So as his wife found out soon after, I can’t see how it would have carried on.

When I look back to November, we had all planned to go out for a meal together, my work friend, the brother, some other friends, my WGF and myself. The brother didn’t turn up. Either he had got what he wanted and blanked her or by then his wife had found out. During the meal my WGF got drunk and then started asking my friend "where his brother was" and was upset. Clearly she had become attached but I can honestly say it still didn’t click. How did I not see what was in front of me? Even after speaking to others who were there, they said it made them feel uncomfortable. I think I must have been in denial because I couldn’t see what was happening right in front of me!

Is she offering transparency? Has she written a timeline of her A?

Not really. I’ve had to confront her about it numerous times and eventually after having proof she has gradually admitted what she had done. Her reason for not coming clean? Because she doesn’t want to lose me.

you said she sent the picture and was messaging "another guy" is this the Brother or another guy?

This was a different guy.

Did you confront her about the AP admitting to sex?

I did. Only 2 weeks ago. That’s when she finally admitted to it.

One last thing.
They had sex in your home.
You have to move one way or another.
This is even in many of the professional books.
The house will always be a trigger for you.
And for her. She will remember what she did.

Exactly this! It’s a trigger every time I come home from work. I have told her that we need to sell the house.

Here’s what is concerning me:
You caught her once already with pretty damning evidence. What happened after that? Life as usual?
This near miss event, that she miraculously got away with, should have been a HUGE bracing wake-up call for her. But instead, she doubled down on her betrayal and then went on to start a new, a different, affair knowing full well the effect this was having on you, knowing full well the consequences, and not giving a shit.
These are two, that you know of, premeditated betrayals where she very consciously and thoughtfully chose to betray you, with total disregard. It’s not like she got caught up on some slippery slope, swept away by overwhelming emotion while in a vulnerable state. It’s not like she slipped up while in a drunken ONS. She is repeatedly burning you and in a very disrespectful manner, in your own home with a guy you’re paying.
I consider this akin to serial cheating. This is very serious and requires immediate definitive action.

This is one of my biggest concerns. Up until March when I found out she was messaging this other guy I was obviously on high alert because of all the other stuff that had happened. And you’re right, she seemed to just brush it under the carpet and carry on as normal. It’s almost like she wanted to get caught or she just didn’t care? It just all seems life such bizarre behaviour.

When I look back to November, we had all planned to go out for a meal together, my work friend, the brother, some other friends, my WGF and myself. The brother didn’t turn up. Either he had got what he wanted and blanked her or by then his wife had found out. During the meal my WGF got drunk and then started asking my friend "where his brother was" and was upset. Clearly she had become attached but I can honestly say it still didn’t click. How did I not see what was in front of me? Even after speaking to others who were there, they said it made them feel uncomfortable. I think I must have been in denial because I couldn’t see what was happening right in front of me!

It sounds like (sorry if I have this wrong) she was having an affair with this brother (or at minimum had sex with him and exchanged messages and photos) and she was engaging in a dinner party with him as a guest while you were none-the-wiser? what was the plan here, playing footsie?

I am not usually judgemental, but this, along with actually getting you to take photos of her to send to the AP just comes across as borderline sadistic. She was just going to sit through dinner?! I can't comprehend this at all...in her shoes I would have said I was sick or anything to get out of that dinner. Sounds like the AP did exactly that!

I am not going to judge anyone, but during my WS's cheating, within a couple of weeks of it starting he developed inflammatory bowel disease from guilt. Cake and eat it? Yes. Literally go out of his way to humiliate and gaslight me? NO.

You seem very calm and collected about all of this. What has your previous relationship dynamic been like? What is her usual character like? I just can't picture someone behaving like this :(

"This is one of my biggest concerns. Up until March when I found out she was messaging this other guy I was obviously on high alert because of all the other stuff that had happened. And you’re right, she seemed to just brush it under the carpet and carry on as normal. It’s almost like she wanted to get caught or she just didn’t care? It just all seems life such bizarre behaviour."

We obviously don’t know your WGF and what is motivating her behavior. All of a sudden out of the blue she starts pursuing random men? Why? You cannot rugsweep this behavior. She has to own her behavior and acknowledge she has destroyed trust in your relationship. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused her to cheat. People grow apart. The honorable thing is to tell you she wants to pursue other men and split up before starting a new relationship. Just saying she won’t hurt you again won’t cut it. She needs to acknowledge that your trust has been destroyed, answer your questions and doubts, and do everything she can by her actions to get to the bottom of her issues and demonstrate remorse. It takes humility and real commitment. Even if she is transparent and remorseful her actions may still be a dealbreaker for you. No one is owed a second chance. Take care of you and your child. Always value yourself. Good luck.

Dontknowher40,

Your user name sort of says it all. You don’t know her. You don’t know what she is capable of. So far, she has only "admitted" to behavior you have undeniable proof of. That is the bare minimum of her behaviors. Is this all truly recent behavior or could this be "who she really is"? As you look back over your time together, have you missed signs of prior cheating or inappropriate relationships?

Like others have said, some of the behaviors your WP is exhibiting are signs of a serial cheater. Have you had a discussion around any and all inappropriate behaviors for the entirety of your relationship? Not only should you get a timeline for her affairs you have caught her in, but for the entire duration of your relationship. Follow that up with a polygraph. You may find out this isn’t "new and recent behavior". If that is the case, does it change the dynamic for you?

We tend to give the person we love the benefit of the doubt. We trust them implicitly. Often that is misplaced and we are taken advantage of. My WW had multiple affairs over the first 20 years of our marriage. I suspected some in real time but believed her lies. Her last 3 affairs, I had no clue about. This is a person I have "known" for 42 years thta I never really knew at all….I hope this isn’t the case for you.

I am sorry for your situation and the pain she has caused you.

Your user name says it all - DontKnowHer.

I don’t know if you can reconcile or not. But the actions and choices she makes now, upon you finding out, are indicative of who she is and what she is willing to do to fix herself.

Has she been completely honest and provided you with the full story— or have you had to pry it out of her little by little?

What is she doing NOW to make amends and help you heal from this trauma?

What is she doing to help herself? Counseling? Reading any books or listening to podcasts or doing anything to understand WHY she did this?

Is she open and transparent with her phone or social media or passwords?

What actionable steps has she taken?

Thanks again to all of your replies.

You seem very calm and collected about all of this. What has your previous relationship dynamic been like? What is her usual character like? I just can't picture someone behaving like this :(

This all started to unravel in February although I’ve had to pry the truth out of her over months and months. It has been hell. At the beginning I was having nightmares about it, felt suicidal and only up until recently I was even having flash backs of the brother as I would chat to him when I got home from work while he was still working on the house .

The hard part for me to understand is that we have always got on so well. She always wants to spend time with me. We have probably argued no more than 3 times in 13 years. I have always treated her well and I have always put her and our daughter before me.

At the time she was really struggling with her job but I gave her my full support. Helping her to find a job that she would be happy in.

Your user name sort of says it all. You don’t know her. You don’t know what she is capable of. So far, she has only "admitted" to behavior you have undeniable proof of. That is the bare minimum of her behaviors. Is this all truly recent behavior or could this be "who she really is"? As you look back over your time together, have you missed signs of prior cheating or inappropriate relationships?
Like others have said, some of the behaviors your WP is exhibiting are signs of a serial cheater. Have you had a discussion around any and all inappropriate behaviors for the entirety of your relationship? Not only should you get a timeline for her affairs you have caught her in, but for the entire duration of your relationship. Follow that up with a polygraph. You may find out this isn’t "new and recent behavior". If that is the case, does it change the dynamic for you?
We tend to give the person we love the benefit of the doubt. We trust them implicitly. Often that is misplaced and we are taken advantage of. My WW had multiple affairs over the first 20 years of our marriage. I suspected some in real time but believed her lies. Her last 3 affairs, I had no clue about. This is a person I have "known" for 42 years thta I never really knew at all….I hope this isn’t the case for you.

That is hard accept. Thinking you know someone like the back of your hand then to find out you don’t know them at all. She could have been behaving this way for years but until recently we used to work for the same company. It would have passed down the rumour mill I’m sure. I’m sorry you went though that. It sounds like you’ve been through hell.

Has she been completely honest and provided you with the full story— or have you had to pry it out of her little by little?
What is she doing NOW to make amends and help you heal from this trauma?
What is she doing to help herself? Counseling? Reading any books or listening to podcasts or doing anything to understand WHY she did this?
Is she open and transparent with her phone or social media or passwords?
What actionable steps has she taken?

No she hasn’t been honest. I’ve had to pry information out of her over months and months. She still insists that there was nothing but friendship with the second person. I have contacted his wife and he says the same to her. She seems to believe that it didn’t get physical.

She has taken steps in the right direction. She has deleted all of her social media accounts. Says I can look at her phone whenever I want to and leaves it near me when she does other things.

We talked at length last night and she never really gives me a straight answer to why it happened but I’m not even sure she really does know why.

We talked at length last night and she never really gives me a straight answer to why it happened but I’m not even sure she really does know why.

The elusive WHY.

From my experience the WHY answer from the cheater is basically blaming the betrayed spouse.

The real answer is nothing more simple than - because the cheater wanted to. There really is no other answer.

It wasn’t because work is stressful.

It’s not because their parents are old or ill.

It’s not because life is challenging.

It’s not because they have problems. Everyone has problems.

But none of the above is a reason to cheat.

I'm sorry you found yourself here. When I was a newly minted BS, I was inclined to believe all sorts of bullshit that came out of my WW'S mouth. Hell, I was desperate to believe it. As time went on, the rose coloured glasses came off and I saw her and the situation for what it was. No one prepared you for thus. There isn't an infidelity boot camp prior to a relationship, so you just have to learn on the fly. Thankfully you found this place sooner than I did. You'll get good advice here. It's like a bullshit-o-meter of sorts. Post what your WGF says and does, and guaranteed, them members here will sift through it.

You are/were in love with the woman you thought your WGF was. Now the real version of her is standing in front of you. It isn't pretty and it's tough to reconcile. This is the beginning of your journey. Take it slow. Look after yourself. Post often and read everything here you can get your hands on. I'm almost 6 years out and in a good place, so take if from me, this is a transitory phase of your life. Holding space brother...

I am so sorry you felt so low. I think your instincts were telling you something was wrong, but you trust your partner (understandably) so you've been gaslit. It feels awful.

I want to make really clear, because I understand you're searching for reasons, that this behaviour has nothing to do with you or your marriage. The many people here will be able to help you understand the general reasons "why", but your partner might take a very long time to be able to answer you.

How are you feeling NOW?