SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I feel it’s important every now and again to remind us that we can forgive ourselves as well. No, not because we did anything that caused us to become BS/BP, that is all on the one who cheated. What I mean is for the pick me dance. I did it too, and I am still working on forgiveness for my weaknesses. What I know is that I wasn’t lying or being deceptive, I was trying to save something that I didn’t know was gone. I was honest, committed, and loyal when I had no reason to be. Trying to save a relationship by yourself can be humiliating, but it’s so common we have the name for it. It’s ok, because it was genuine. I imagine a lot of BSs feel the same.

There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, pick me dance almost always keeps affair going and all of that, but we aren’t responsible for their shit decisions. It should never have been a situation to be in. It never should have happened. There was a competition that could never have been won, and most BS don’t really know they are competing. Trying to fix something that is broken, is not weak WS may think it is, but they are cheating so I am not going to give them much credit.

R or D, it’s ok to forgive yourself for trying to save the relationship.

Great reminder. ❤️

I did the pick me dance before I knew that H had cheated. I knew something was very wrong and he was saying ILYBINILWY and that he wanted space. I just didn’t yet know the real reason why. And I didn’t believe those who said, "girl, he’s cheating."

I begged to stay together for the kids. I tried to win his affection back with cooking and red fingernails and sex. It didn’t work and I was so scared. I pled. I cried. And you’re right, it’s humiliating to look back at it.

I got super lucky with timing. I had already done all that pick me dancing before Dday, and we were already in counseling. I was getting stronger by the day. And then Dday hit and I was able to take all that fresh new growth and new strength and make myself STOP dancing for my life. Best thing I ever did.

But there’s a lot that I overlooked and did wrong before I did it right. And there’s self-forgiveness still left to work on with that.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:11 AM, Wednesday, August 16th]

I didn’t feel humiliated for being thrown into the pick me dance. I felt angry when all was said and done.

I was angry for allowing me to be "auditioning" to remain his wife.

I was angry for going along with his behavior and choices.

So dday1 occurred and I’m getting the ILYBNILWY Speech. He’s been unhappy for years (news to me). He wants a D. Oh and btw there’s a much younger OW in the picture. And his unhappiness is my fault (which initially I believed).

I didn’t know about SI so I didn’t have support or guidance or knowledge about the typical cheater behavior. 🤪

So we got rid of the kids for a few days (his idea) so we could spend time together. It was pure hell!!!! One of the things my H told me was that he would let me know by the end of the summer "what he wanted to do" meaning D or R.

And stupidly I agreed to that!!!😡😡😡

I felt like I was in the audition of my life. Am I witty enough. Am I entertaining enough. Do we have good conversations. Is my cooking good enough. How about my clothes - are they appealing. And on and on.

After being married for 25 years at that time it’s hard to compete with a 29 yo OW. It’s psychologically devastating.

I allowed this to go on for months.

The OW was COVERED in tattoos - boobs, neck, arms, legs, back etc. and I can say I never once thought of getting a tattoo. I still held true to who I was. I had the mindset that you either accept me for who I am or move on.

dday2 was a complete turnaround for me. At that point I did not care what he thought.

Funny how he had to do the pick me dance for a full year to get me to consider R. Difference is he wasn’t being compared to anyone. But at least he knows what it feels like.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:07 PM, Wednesday, August 16th]

Yea, most of us didn't have the insights from this website at the time to make better choices.

I jealous of the advice I've given other people since then, lol.

I did the pick me before I knew it was a pick me. I was just trying to 'correct' my faults.

But that's not where my issue truly lies. It was my inaction, and literal attempts to fool myself into trying to believe that it was okay to take my time, and kick the can down the road.....when my belief system was contrary to this. I should have taken steps towards divorce. I have no issue reconciling; it is the path that I wound up deliberately taking, I'm assuming based out of fear, that I have trouble forgiving....and rightfully so.

I did the pick me as well. It's the rarest of occasions when a BS doesn't - it's just the amount of time it went on that is different.

I did the pick me before I knew it was a pick me. I was just trying to 'correct' my faults.

I have to admit that I did learn about myself due to the A - and yeah, I did (do) have some faults, and that's okay. To the extent the A and the aftermath made me more aware of them is for the better. That's the thing, when a WS tries to blame the BS for their A, that's bullshit. But that doesn't mean some of those "faults" weren't true - they just aren't a valid reason for having an Affair - they never are. But that doesn't mean doing a bit of self reflection isn't a good thing - just save it for later on, when it matters - whether you are with the WS anymore or not - you make changes for you. That's how life works. When WH said I can be dismissive, he was right, I can. It's something I consider now more in my relationships with him and with everyone else.

Unfortunately the prevailing view is that couples experience infidelity because something was missing in the relationship.
That view is probably even dominant in us BS in the early days. We think that if we had been more attentive, earned more, had more sex, done the dishes every day… then MAYBE our partner hadn’t had to go find someone else.

We then get this feedback from society. We get told by our friends that maybe we should have been better, kinder, gentler, more open, more sex, more attentive…

First response is often to rush to MC… We do that to fix the infidelity – to remove the reason for why the WS had to cheat, by amongst other things changing how YOU are. Since a frighteningly large part of MC’s are IC’s with varying knowledge and experience, and most trying to eke out a living by dealing with a plethora of mental-issue patients thereby preventing/hindering a specialization… that MC session can also be based on that common prevailing view.

I think it’s a very powerful moment when we – the BS – can state that no matter what we did and no matter what we might have to change there is NO reason or justification for the deliberate and conscious decision of our spouse to cheat.

"Yes – I have a drinking problem. Yes – I spend too much time playing golf. Yes – I have gotten us into serious debt"…. Whatever… These might all be valid problems. Our spouse might have asked for change a gazillion times. But NOTHING we did or did not do justifies the infidelity.

Embrace this and you are on the first stages of healing.

Of course if infidelity is a total deal-breaker then simply start the process of terminating your relationship.
If however you have some wish to reconcile… the above knowledge allows you to make that attempt from a position of power. The base for a healthier type of pick-me dance.
That PMD is more of a "you have an opportunity to catch up with me until I reach the momentum where I’m gone".
Basically it’s where you start the process of healing based on what you are offered. If the affair is ongoing its very clear that healing is in the direction of ending the relationship. If the WS claims the affair is over your next step could be based on being convinced it’s true (accountability). Once you are convinced the affair is over and there is accountability you can progress more towards reconciling, but if the WS offers nothing you simply know you are better off dancing to the tune of your choice.