SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, I’ve been here reading posts for the last few days. I really can’t believe that this is happening to me but I need help gathering evidence.
Have been married 22 years, 2 children ages 16 & 20. My husband had an emotional affair (and at least a kiss) with a friend of ours about 11 years ago. It was devastating to me as I was completely blindsided & had never suspected anything. I thought things were over between them but throughout the next 1-2 years I found out they were still in contact & I believe they had met up as well. My husband always denied having sex with her. Needless to say this eroded the trust in our relationship & I never have truly trusted him since.
I became very good at snooping…checking his phone when I could get access etc. There’s more to the story but what brings me here today is I believe he is having at least an emotional affair with our neighbor. I recently became suspicious again…just a gut feeling. They are using Snapchat to communicate & of course everything disappears. She is his #1 bff on the app & they have a streak of 16 days. That much I can see….but I need to see some messages! I tried a phone spying app but his there’s no jailbreak for the latest version of iOS so I can’t see any snap data. How do I get my eyes on his snap messages???
I need solid proof before I confront him. Thank you for any help you can give me! 💗

When distance isn't a factor, very rarely are affairs not physical.

He probably talks to her in the car. Get a voice activated recorder,and secure it under the front seat with heavy duty velcro.

Hey HellFire,

Believe me, I realize that. I never felt like I got the whole truth after the first time. That changed our relationship forever. I should’ve done something about it then but eventually (kind of) decided to move on.
They could talk in the car but I also regularly check our phone records so I know they are not talking on his phone. Unless he has a burner phone but I think I would have found that by now. It’s the stupid Snapchat…that app is just made for cheaters.
Thanks for the advice.

He could be picking her up,in the car. The var might be useful.

Here's the thing..he shouldn't have a password on his phone,and all social media accounts should be known to you, and you have all passwords. He's already had one affair,so transparency should be in place.

Snapchat is a known cheaters app. It will be very difficult to get those messages.

Have you told his you aren't ok with his friendship with the neighbor?

He has a password on his phone but I know the password so I can get into it. That’s how I’m able to get into his Snapchat when he’s sleeping. I just feel like without proof of actual inappropriate messages he’s going to lie & make some stupid excuses. I want him to know he’s Caught with evidence he can’t explain away. You know what I mean?

I have not approached him yet about anything. We live in a pretty close knit neighborhood. We’ve been there for 15 years & we all hang out together. In fact, we all hung out at our house last night for a few hours. This particular neighbor lives behind us, is about 10 years younger & has only lived there about 8 or 9 years. My daughter actually baby sits once in awhile for them.

I just want to get my shit together before I do anything. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I may just get a recorder for his truck just in case.

It will be virtually impossible to retrieve snap chat messages. They are designed to disappear- that’s how Snapchat was designed. You also can’t be logged on Snapchat on more than one device - meaning you can’t have his Snapchat on an iPad or be logged into his account on the Snapchat app on your own device and HE be logged in on the app on his own phone simultaneously. Snapchat simply doesn’t allow that. Sometimes apps allow multiple device log in - Facebook, Instagram are samples of such apps. When does he use Snapchat? Does he use it at home in his fave recliner or in his home office sitting at his desk, on that back deck/patio drinking a beer? Can you install hidden spy cameras - pointed directly at his locations where he’d be likely to use his phone. Kinda like a nanny cam. Google spy cameras, hidden cameras - the cost might be justifiable to give you answers and peace of mind. I know it’s intrusive but he’s not sharing his phone so you do what’s your have to do. My WH is not allowed to have Snapchat or WhatsApp or any other app that hides, deletes, encrypts messages forever. Any possibility that he takes a sleeping pill at night and sleeps like a log? Can you take his phone and initiate a Snapchat conversation w the neighbor while he’s sleeping pretending to be him? When/IF he finds out he might be totally PISSED but if he’s got nothing to hide….

I’m getting ready to head out. If I think of more ideas I’ll post again!!

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 1:28 AM, Monday, July 17th]

You know what I mean?

Oh, absolutely! I'm many,many,many years past my first dday,and I recently found he has a burner phone thanks to his Google account. He doesn't know I know. I need that phone,in my hand,before I confront, or he will excuse it away.

Good luck!

Thanks HellFire….by the way, how did you find out he had a burner phone?

Blackbird….so he uses Snapchat throughout the day. He uses it with his friends, with me….so him using it is not unusual. He’s clearly using it when he goes to bed (he’s first in bed so he has the opportunity) to talk to her. I dont know how frequently during the day when he’s at work. I do like the idea of a spy camera. If I could pull that off it might give me the info I need.
I can check his phone after he’s been drinking. He sleeps very soundly then. However, that’s only 1 or 2 times a week. When I took it last night I totally almost started a conversation with her as him. We are going to local concert Thurs & I’m sure he will have a few drinks. I just might do it then.
Honestly, I don’t care how intrusive I’m being. The whole thing is such bullshit. It’s so complicated because we are a big group of friends who live in the same neighborhood…kids are friendly…and I totally plan on telling her husband. Another reason why I want legit proof. This is going to tear us all apart. I don’t even know if I can still live here after this…it’s all very sad. 😢

Where there is smoke there is fire. Your H is hiding his communication with her, that is cheating. He has already crossed a line so you don't need much more. Get his phone and message her "Hey", see how she responds to him. I did this with one of my WW's male "friends" on SnapChat and got the exact evidence I needed.

After we entered true R, my W had to give up Snap Chat and Whats Ap, there is absolutely not good reason for it. Her phone has calling and texting and any communication must be done through those traditional means. Also any person of the opposite sex she's needing to communicate with, is done in a group chat with me.

Oh, for sure! I guess the proof I need is more for myself. I already know there’s something going on. I just need to see it for myself.

Tanner, I read your story & have to say that I was surprised to see at the end that you are still together. Gives me some hope. You have been through a lot with your family. My oldest (20) is on the spectrum. I have no idea how to explain all this to either of my kids. A little too early for that but it def weighs on my mind.

If we stay together, Snapchat definitely has to go.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Tanner, I read your story & have to say that I was surprised to see at the end that you are still together. Gives me some hope.

It's a long messy road and she gets a lot of credit for helping us get there.

Anoutsider,

You can make phone calls through SC, WhatsApp and FB and it will not show on your phone records.

I’m sorry you are going through this. It is awful. My WH became very good at hiding his second time around with a secret email account etc. He had a separate work phone and called her on his commute and during the day.

Be patient and gather info. I just snapped one day when I found receipts for Christmas gifts that no one received in my family. He deleted an account that is driving me nuts.

I did text the AP from his account on FB and told her "My husband says he loves you. You can have him he won’t have much." Scared her to death…. It ended fast.

If you can set up a separate account and put a little money in it. Does he take out cash often from the atm?

Things to think about. Trust your gut and hang in there.

Sick2Death,
I didn’t know you could make phone calls through FB & Snap. Interesting….how can I find out if he’s done that?
I am really trying to be patient because the only real proof I have is a picture of his SC friends list which shows her as his bff with the red heart. Oh, and I saw a sc from her at like 1am after a night of drinking & saw the words "your balls". I think I was in shock because I dont remember what came before or after those words. He was in the bathroom so I just got off his phone as quickly as I could. I need more proof…even if it’s for myself.
I have checked his email plenty of times but also know he has an old email that he didn’t use for a long time but a couple months back told me he logged into it. So I wonder if he’s using that but I don’t have the password & it’s not saved in his phone.
Tomorrow night we will be at a friends house having a few drinks (and SHE may be there…ugh!) so I’m hoping to snoop on his phone after he goes to bed.
Thank you for the ideas! 💕

I didn’t know you could make phone calls through FB & Snap. Interesting….how can I find out if he’s done that?

You can't if he was careful. In FB you make the call in messenger, but you can delete the record of the call. What's app I beleive is the same way. He can also use google voice for voice calls and text to avoid the cell bill and not need to deal with a burner phone.