SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Enlightenment I found off of a Tik Tok, of all things:

Not a Boundary: You can't talk to me like that
Proper Boundary: If you talk to me like that, I will hang up the phone

Not a Boundary: You need to do a better job
Proper Boundary: If you don't make these specific improvements, I will ...

Not a Boundary: You need to be more considerate and thoughtful
Proper Boundary: I would like you to do these specific things for me, and if you don't, that's ok, but I will not invest more time into this realtionship

Boundaries are not mandates for other people to follow
Boundaries are not demands
Boundaries are not expectations
Boundaries are not ultimatums
Boundaries are not idle threats

Boundaries are a particular course of action YOU take to take care of yourself when a particular set of circumstances arises.

It's about what YOU do
Not about what THEY do.

Yes!!!! But here is the problem (maybe two?), from someone who had poor boundaries and has been here a long time reading about other people with poor boundaries.

1. People with poor boundaries are not used to or comfortable drawing a line--a harsh line of detachment and rejection of someone they love and want to keep--when they are treated badly. It is UNCOMFORTABLE to say, "So I'm not going to have sex with you or sleep in the same room with you or invest effort in this R because you have lied, yet again." This feels counterintuitive to people with poor boundaries, so they reject boundaries in favor of hoping, begging, rug sweeping, ranting and raving, or nicing them back.

2. People with poor boundaries often have no clue that they have poor boundaries (many BS), so everything about "rejecting the rejector" (my tagline) feels absolutely wrong-headed.

Poor boundaries are learned in childhood, I think. As a survival tactic in many families. Or as a mandate. Changing your life philosophy does not happen overnight unfortunately.

So here's a question. Do poor boundaries make us a target for the types of people who take advantage???

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 12:17 AM, Monday, May 29th]

I say this all the time. NO is a complete sentence. If someone is disrespecting you, or making you angry, sad, confused then leave. My entire life changed when I began saying no. It really is that simple.

So here's a question. Do poor boundaries make us a target for the types of people who take advantage???

Poor boundaries mean we are comfortable with being treated like crap, and thus, attract/retain/put up with crappy people and crappy treatment.

I don't know how much of it is a "targeted" situation (unless you're dealing with an experienced narc), but I do think that what we settle for is what we'll get.

Boundary: You (XWH) have inappropriate contact with another person, and I will divorce you.
XWH confessed to inappropriate contact (if he didn't tell me, she would)
Me: We are divorcing.

Don't put a boundary in place unless you're willing to enforce the boundary. It wasn't a threat, it was a boundary.

I’ve always been very clear about what I would accept.

So I am convinced (of course my H disagrees) that his affair started b/c I set a boundary. And I held him to it. He did his usual "okay" to my request but then did the opposite (which I now see as a pattern in our marriage). Except this time I REFUSED to back down.

Three weeks later he meets the OW and a few months later he starts his affair. And then it’s "I want a D" for the next 6 months from him.

My mistake was being a doormat and often backing down to avoid an argument during our marriage.

My H had NO accountability whatsoever. I spent 20 years begging and pleading and crying and talking and explaining to him how he needs to pick up the phone and let me know when he will be late. I’m talking hours late. He’d say "be home by midnight" and walk in the door at 3 am with a "sorry I’m late".

It wasn’t until I decided to D him after his last affair that he finally realized the disrespect he showed me. It has taken years to get past that. He now gets it.

Finally!

Not a Boundary: You can't talk to me like that
Proper Boundary: If you talk to me like that, I will hang up the phone

Not a Boundary: You need to do a better job
Proper Boundary: If you don't make these specific improvements, I will ...

Not a Boundary: You need to be more considerate and thoughtful
Proper Boundary: I would like you to do these specific things for me, and if you don't, that's ok, but I will not invest more time into this realtionship

I'm very glad you see the distinctions between boundaries and non-boundaries. For some of us, the distinction is very hard to comprehend, because either way, the boundary-setter's actions are predicated on the boundary violator's actions.

I think the critical element in a boundary is that the boundary-setter knows they have the power to take certain actions in certain sitches. A non-boundary setter doesn't realize they have enough power to act in their own interest.

It's about what YOU do
Not about what THEY do.

Yes! You can only control yourself.

Don't put a boundary in place unless you're willing to enforce the boundary. It wasn't a threat, it was a boundary.

This is important. Because if you set a boundary and you don't defend it, the situation will likely worsen. Don't say it unless you mean it.