SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been lurking on this site since my D-day in January. Never having the courage to post but I have finally found the strength to do so.

Background information prior to the affair. Me and my partner both from different backgrounds he is from a very religious strict upbringing we met at University was on the same course, quickly got together and I fell madly over heel’s despite the giant red flags I obviously ignored. Such as numerous female ‘Family friends’ and massive insecurity in his part for constantly needing confirmation how wonderful he was. We had a period in the middle where I was contacted by another girl telling me he had been speaking to her for a while telling her he was going to marry her etc.. they never did meet but the intention was 100% there. We fell out but quickly got back together as I believed all his wonderful excuses about how much he loved me. I ignored this like the idiot I was and ended up becoming pregnant in my final year of my degree. Him and his family were obviously not happy as it would bring shame and embarrassment from their community. Partner and his family told me to have an abortion as it would be my fault for ruining their lives and cause them huge distress.

I decided to keep the baby as I had a wonderful supporting family and just decided I would be okay on my own as life goes on and I knew I would regret it if I didn’t keep my son. I left my partner and his family completely alone didn’t tell anyone from his friendship or family group about it just left him to carry on with life in which he just spent it drinking partying and basically living an easy lifestyle, whilst I struggled to finish my degree find a job and scrap money together with my parents to pay for everything. I regret none of this as my 5 year old is wonderful little boy and was worth every bit of stress and tears.

Fast forward the birth, my parents informed his family our son was born and they was welcome to come and meet him if they wanted to. They did end up coming up when he was few weeks old and obviously they were all very upset and I believe quite remorseful. Eventually my partner came up on his own a few times over the course of a year to see him and we quickly started spending time together and ended up getting back together. Which I now completely regret as it was clear he never really put any effort into being a partner or parent as he would come and go when he pleased (he lived in a completely different area 3+ hours away). Yet again as the idiot I was I believed he was waiting till he could find a really good job before he moved up. I find it very hard to forgive myself for this.

Eventually lockdown happened and our son was nearly 2 at this point and he decided to live with us throughout the lockdown and I felt we was genuinely really happy. Despite his huge insecurity I thought it was just his age that brought this on and perhaps as he grew up and found a better job he would feel better about himself and grow his confidence. Clearly this was not the case his issues were a lot further deep rooted than that.

I helped him fill numerous job applications and cvs to help him find a job supported him throughout all of it, whilst I paid for near enough everything. He finally got a brilliant job in which he would have to do a range of shifts but I supported him so did my parents who frequently looked after our soon to allow us to keep our jobs despite the unsociable hours our jobs required.

Once he started this job it all went down from here or I suppose maybe his true colours finally came out. He took out a huge loan to buy a flashy ridiculous car we could not afford despite me begging him not to whilst I drove round in a old banged up car. I clearly see now this car was to impress the AP at work. He became increasingly distant, nasty and quick to anger. I did not find out about this girl until a few months in until seeing a video of them all working to which he was adamant he had told me about her being from the same background and culture etc.. this immediately raised flags but I ignored it again as I 100% trusted him as I really believed he would not throw it away all over again. What an idiot I was.

Eventually he asked for her number as he has told me and they quickly began meeting up for sex in hotel rooms when they was both suppose to be on night shifts. Baring in mind we had no money at this point as we was scrapping together to pay bills and for his ridiculous car. My parents would often look after our son so he could get enough rest after his ‘tiring’ night shifts whilst I was at work. He frequently messaged the AP and rang her whilst I was at work and I was oblivious to it all until one day in April 2022 we was in his car and he accidentally swiped something on his phone and I saw hundreds of WhatsApp messages between him and this girl. I asked him who it was and he completely denied it was the girl but a ‘family friend’. I completely knew it was a lie as I had already done some digging and knew what she looked like l. I confronted him about this and he apologised and said they was just talking and nothing was happening. I told him I wanted to see the messages but he refused and deleted all of it. I messaged her instead on Facebook to ask what the hell was going on and she completely lied and said it was just work place friendship and she would back off. Looking back at this I wish she had just told me the truth, both of them. As I would have gladly left them too it and carried on with my life. I remember frequently telling him if he wasn’t happy to leave, and she could have him for all I care if something shady was going on. He constantly denied anything and things carried on clearly. Few months later he was made redundant at his job, and I also found out I was pregnant as well.

He seemed thrilled at the pregnancy as he had completely missed out on the previous one (which was his own fault I know) but I was happy to and I felt for those few months everything was okay and I supported him looking for a new jobs whilst I worked ridiculous overtime hours during my pregnancy to make up for our income loss.

I did not find out about the affair until January when I was 8 months pregnant as you can imagine I was absolutely devastated. I had an awful virus at the time and was still going to work when in the middle of the night I received a Facebook message off the APs boyfriend about something suspicious. I felt sick to my stomach. It was like I knew it was going to be bad but I just wanted to deny it. I waited until he woke up for work (like a pathetic idiot as I didn’t want him to be tired for his shift) and asked him outright if they was anything he needed to tell me. His face dropped and I knew than. I felt like my world was absolutely shattered and once I found out the full extent and how long it went on for I was absolutely destroyed. I packed my stuff and went to live with my parents with out little boy.

Him and his family obviously begged for me to take him back. I do feel incredibly sorry for his mother as out of all her sons he is the only one who has children and a partner. The other too are around 40 mark and still living at home with them. Our children are her only grandchildren and she was absolutely disgusted and devastated this has happened. I genuinely do love his family and really enjoy spending time with them so this is also very depressing.

I had to tell everything to my midwife as when going for a checkup I had lost a huge amount of weight and blood pressure was incredibly low she ended up sending me to the birthing unit to be monitored as I had keystones in my urine. I also had to have a huge STI panel check AT 8 months pregnant as they hadn’t used protection. I have never been so humiliated in my entire life .

After so much begging from his family and him that he would change I came home just before the birth. My 5 year old was also becoming increasingly aware something was going on and became playing up frequently telling me he wanted to go home and asking me where his dad was. I had no idea what to do. I felt like I wanted him to experience the birth and newborn stage as he completely missed out the first time, even though it was his own fault. I know he doesn’t even deserve it as he clearly held no respect or care for me or our family after what he had done but I still felt bad.

I went back and he did everything a remorseful partner should do, gave me 100% access to his phone, email, werabouts and got rid of the flashing car. He’s applied for counselling and had said frequently he didn’t love the AP or want to be with her. But the messages I have seen can’t be erased. He was telling her how much he loved her, wanted to marry her, have a baby with her, he was only with me for our son and I was a bitch and used him for money and cheated on him. Clearly none of that was true as I have been 100% faithful throughout all the lies and pain and misery and I look back now and think what the hell was it all for?. All I ever wanted was him. I loved him wanted the best for him just wanted him to be happy. I can see now I mothered him and I am a very independent person, don’t need him for financial support or help with the kids as I enjoy doing it all on my own. This clearly didn’t help his self esteem and thus clearly needed to find validation elsewhere for confirmation what a wonderful person he was.

Supporting him all these years and loving him for him to throw me away like I meant nothing. I feel the only reason he stayed with me and didn’t go with the AP was because she didn’t want him as she wanted to stay with her boyfriend. This cuts me really deeply and makes me feel worthless. I wish she had wanted him and they had got together so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this misery.

I just wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me I would have been glad he found someone he clicked with. I told him this but obviously as she doesn’t want him and with having another baby he’s adamant he didn’t want her. But I feel the damage is done. He frequently stated how much he loves me and regrets what he’s done and will spend the rest of his life proving this.

But I feel hollow inside. Angry at myself for allowing this to happen and for taking him back after our first child. I feel I have let my children and family down as I clearly ignored all the red flags and didn’t see the bigger picture.

He says he loved me throughout the whole thing but clearly this can’t be true. You can not do this to someone you love. I understand now he’s broken and there’s a big hole inside he needs to fill with frequent validations and attention off others. It hurts as I have given him everything and it just wasn’t enough. I can’t understand any of it, which I guess I never will do. I never even so much as thought of cheating or flirting with someone else during our relationship. I just wanted him and to be a good partner and mother.

I know life goes on and things change. But my question is can he really change? Even with all the counselling and transparency? Is there even any point trying again?. I can’t even stand being in the same room as him most of the time and the thought of being intimate with him makes me feel sick. I put on a brave face for the children and family as I don’t want to upset anyone, but I feel so lost.

Is there anyone I can bring my feelings back for him? Attraction? I feel If he moves out and we date again and take things slow and I see positive changes in him maybe it will come back? Or is this just a loss cause and I have to accept it for what it is?. I do feel sorry for him as I can’t imagine what it feels like to be the cause of all this mess but at the same time I feel he has to live with his choices and the AP clearly was worth more than our family.

I guess what I really want to know is from an outsider’s perspective so you think it is possible he does genuinely love me? Or is it he will never really love anyone until he finally loves himself?. I feel he can’t ever be happy with anyone until he’s finally happy with himself and clearly no matter how much love I gave him it was not enough.

I feel sorry for my children as I feel I have really let them down and I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for it all.

I’m sorry for all the rambling and the long post I just finally wanted to get it all out and knew this was the only safe place I could do so. Thank you to anyone who manages to read it all.

Good morning, welcome to SI. I

I'm so sorry your partner is putting you through this hell, I feel worse for your children.

In my honest opinion, gently, he is a man child and will probably never change.

He has shown you repeatedly who he is, I think you need to believe him.

You've admitted you have made too many excusesfor his behavior, I suggest therapy just for you to figure out why you ignored all those red flags.

I don't think he will ever change, but only you can make that decision. He has emotionally abused you with all of his lies and shenanigans and betrayals.

Do you want to live always being vigilant? You've been living on hopium that he will do this or that or change and he has always disappointed.

You deserve so much more than he's willing to give.

[This message edited by annb at 11:13 AM, Wednesday, May 10th]

There is a statement that you need to follow. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. He has shown you multiple times and he’s not going to change. You and your children have a lot of life ahead of you and you will be much better off without him. So please think about how are you living now for the next 20 or 30 years and you’ll see that it’s just too much for you to deal with. You have children that need you happy and healthy and sane and you cannot be that way living with him.

((((Huge hugs!)))

I'm so sorry you are here. So sorry this happened.

You know the answers.

To expect any different would be once again IGNORING your own gut and "red flags."

Can some people really change? Sure, I guess I'm supposed to say that. But I personally don't believe it.

He's irresponsible and selfish even without the affair.

You DESERVE better.

You chose to bring two babies to life. Maybe focus all your energies on them and don't worry about him or any partner for a long while.

You said you are independent and you have good family support. Lean on THEM, not him.

Let him be a Disney Dad and move on. Do not expect anything more. I'm sorry but you know this is the truth.

You just need someone to reassure you. Trust your gut. Trust in yourself.

Do NOT ignore your self preservation instincts again.

Cheaters are low. Men who cheat on their pregnant partner are the lowest of the low.

He could have exposed your unborn child to an std that could have killed the baby. Or,an std that could have caused blindness. Or any number of other illnesses. You as well. He showed a blatant disregard for your child's life.

He is a serial cheater. He isn't doing the work to make himself a safe partner. Going no contact, and giving you access to the phone isn't the work he should be doing. It's the bare basics. He's love bombing you..just as he did before. And look how that turned out.

He's not safe. No..it's not worth it.

Hi Casperthesadghost

I’m sorry you have had to endure a 2nd or 3rd (or whatever # it is up to) ddays with your boyfriend/partner.

Two points I think you now see as red flags - his continued pattern of behavior and the fact his brothers are living at home at 40. Clearly a sense of entitlement or something.

I know you recognize he’s not going to change without professional guidance. He needs the ego boost of other women to validate him. BTDT.

I hope you are putting yourself first right now. It’s not about him or your marriage. It’s about you and your relationship with him and what YOU need to reconcile.

Right he’s giving you the opportunity to monitor him. He’s not being transparent but he’s allowing you to snoop and find things. That’s not how to heal a marriage.

He needs to make amends in his own. Not you leading him down the path but having him take the necessary steps towards reconciliation w/out someone telling him what to do.

Congrats on the new baby. Your kids and you are your immediate focus — not him.

HI Casper,

Welcome to SI. I’m so sorry for the situation you’ve found yourself in but glad you’ve worked up the courage to post and share your story. You seem like an incredibly strong, resilient, patient, and empathetic person. I have young children too (mine are 5 and 2). I know how that potentially complicates things for you.

It seems like you are in a slightly different position than many others. A lot of new BS come here desperate to stay with their partner as they believe they cannot survive without them in their life. You on the other hand, KNOW you can survive without him because you have essentially acted as a SINGLE mother even in your relationship for the past 5+ years. Based on your post, it seems like you are looking for a reason to stay. I’m not going to give you one.

From what you have written, your partner sounds incredibly immature and selfish. I agree with you that he does not appear to have ever been truly commited to your family as he has always put his own comfort, desires, and interests above the rest of you.

Which I now completely regret as it was clear he never really put any effort into being a partner or parent as he would come and go when he pleased

He took out a huge loan to buy a flashy ridiculous car we could not afford despite me begging him not to whilst I drove round in a old banged up car.

He became increasingly distant, nasty and quick to anger.

You deserve to have a true partner in life. Your kids deserve a parent who prioritizes them and supports their mother. Right now, he’s not that person. It doesn’t sound like he’s EVER been that person. If you had this long history where he had been a great partner to you and this affair was a one-off aberration from that, I might say differently but at this point his track record speaks for himself. You do not owe him any more patience. Do not let your empathy for him get in the way of taking care of what is in YOUR best interest.

Please know that you have NOT, in any way, let your children down. Through all of this you have been the present parent and a constant. You have worked your butt off to care and provide for them. You will continue to do that in his absence. I’ll bet that without him weighing you down, you will thrive in ways you had not imagined. If he wants to be an active part of your children’s life, then he is free to do that. His mother, who it sounds like you have a relationship with, can be in her grandkids’ lives even if you are not in a relationship with her son.

Or is it he will never really love anyone until he finally loves himself?. I feel he can’t ever be happy with anyone until he’s finally happy with himself and clearly no matter how much love I gave him it was not enough.

100%. The fact that you recognize this now says so much about how wise you are. It may be that he gets his shit together one day and you deem him worthy of another chance with you. Who knows. But life is too short, and you are too valuable to waste any more time with someone who does not value you.

I am also truly sorry you are here for the reasons that you are - this is a great community of people who wish they had never met each other (in this way). I think you need to decide what you want to do, or, more likely, if you are torn - think about WHY you are torn. Some people find that making a list of pros and cons about their partner helps - but I think in this situation making a list of why you should stay in the relationship versus why you should go would be more helpful, as sometimes looking at something in "black and white" really clarifies things. From my experience the things I would have had on my list of "Stay" would have been things like: 1) I love him, and 2) I do not want to go back to being single, while the list of "Go" would have been things like: 1) I don't trust him/he is disrespectful/angry, and 2) I want to be able to live a life where I am not worried about whether I am being lied to.

When I really looked at things like that - I had to ask myself the hard questions like is this "love" that I feel worth being disrespected/lied to all the time? Is being alone really worse than having a companion who treats you this badly?

If the answer to the last two questions are "no" then you are likely staying, in part, because you are hoping something will change either in your WS or you. For something to change in you, you would have to find a way to tilt the scales in your mind to say "yes, the love I feel for my WS is worth being disrespected/lied to" and "yes, being alone is worse than being treated this way by my partner." Some people do somehow do that and stay. I have no ability to comment on those arrangements as it was not possible for me to do those mental gymnastics.

For me, in order to stay, my WS had to change. And while I can honestly say I completely disagree with this statement (as a person who has changed SO much myself - fundamentally - especially as I have aged):

Can some people really change? Sure, I guess I'm supposed to say that. But I personally don't believe it.

You cannot rely on your WS making changes that will suit your needs for some time, if ever. So (ignoring for a moment that it sounds like your WS has had plenty of time to make changes to himself and has not done so), if you are willing to wait I would suggest doing several things: 1) get yourself in a position (to the extent you are not) to be able to leave IF you decide you want to. If this requires starting to save financially, then put that in place now (saving is always a good thing even if your marriage is not on tenuous ground). 2) decide HOW long you will stay if things do not seem to change. Give yourself a timeline for review.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:29 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

That sounds so difficult. Relationships only work if they are worked at. When you add children, it gets very complicated.

Hi All,

Thank you so much for all your replies. Some were tough to swallow but very true and accurate. I knew when I found out it was a dealbreaker for me. I had always made it very clear to him after taking him back after our first born that if he did anything like this again it would be over. And this is what played in my head multiple times over the first few weeks after our youngest was born. I eventually realised that he loved and cared about himself more then me or the children and it became so painfully clear I could not be with someone as selfish as this.

I knew inside I would be letting my children down by letting him stay, as I would be devastated if my boys turned out to be like him. And I would only have myself to blame by allowing them to witness someone treat there mother that way.

In the end I asked him to go. I could not endure anymore, it didn’t matter how sorry he was. I realised I had only loved a fake facade of him I had built up in my own head. So I do blame myself regularly for this. However I now am thankful in a small way, that when people show you who you are, just believe them. Don’t make excuses and settle and say to yourselves or others it will get better. Not lying and cheating are literally the bare minimum requirements for a relationship, and that’s even before the other poor personality traits he demonstrated to me.

I feel incredibly sorry for my children but I know I can’t wait around for him to change or become a better person. I have very little belief people who have been lying to others that long that they can change. Perhaps he will just get better at hiding it, but it is no longer my problem. I want to thank all of you for the replies, I go over them sometimes to remind myself how ridiculous I was staying and allowing someone who I have given two children to treat me that way. I can’t wait around for someone like him to change, I have to get on with my life.

I am happy by myself I don’t need someone to make me feel special or loved. I have my boys and a wonderful family. Thank you all for making me realise this

That had to be hard but good on you.
You did the right thing for you and your kids.

When thinking about "can people change" I like to think about it like this.
Say you decide you are tired of sucking at golf. You slow down the foursome, your lack of skill makes you miserable and unpleasant to be around. So you swear you will change.

The person who really means it will practice more, read books, get an instructor, tell everyone and ask for their advice.
They’ll be practicing their swing in the line at the grocery and whenever they can. Their game will get better over time and you will see the improvements as they keep working at it. Action more than words.

The person for whom it is lip service will talk a good talk, but won’t put the effort in to actually get better at the sport.
They will keep doing what they always have done, with only half-hearted attempts at doing something different, and talk about what they are pretending to do. there will be no change in their game, no improvement. If they hit one good game, they’ll say "see, look how much better I am" even if every other game is as crappy as before. Words not action.

Your WS has not and will not put the effort in to become a good honest partner and father. Honestly that his siblings are also man-children, it sounds like it is tied to deep FOO and he will need to really do a lot of work to pull out of that. He hasn’t and he probably won’t.

You and your kids have a bright future ahead. Think about IC to help you process all this and take good care of your and your littles.

Bearlybreathing

It’s very accurate about what you said about the golf practice. My Ws is very good and promising things but never actually following through. I see now when looking back over entire relationship I was basically his mother and did everything for him and he seemed to resent me for this?. Until now obviously that he has absolutely no one he thinks I’m the best thing since sliced bread?. It’s a great shame really since all he did was say horrific things about me to his AP. Can never forget that as much as I want too. Even personal things about me no one else knew, even closest friends he shared with His AP. A woman he barley even knew for a year. The betrayal is staggering.

But I agree that he won’t change. He has some very deep issues stemming from his childhood which he struggles to even admit to himself so there’s no hope there. I remind myself this regularly and just accept it is what it is and loads of people have been through this and make it to the other side. I have learnt a very tough lesson that some people are just broken and I shouldn’t break myself trying to fix them if they don’t want to fix themselves it’s exhausting.

Thank you

Hi, Casper, kudos to you for removing this manchild from your life!

You deserve a faithful partner, and your children deserve an involved father.

I hope you have a good network of family and friends who can help you while you navigate through this mess.

IMO, he's never going to change.