Topic is Sleeping.
Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 2:45 AM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
What do you feel as a BS your WS needs to hear now as they heal from what they did to us?
I ask because I realize just how damaged my WH was from childhood and that it takes a broken person to do what they did.
Th complexities of reconciliation is overwhelming.
Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 4:16 AM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
One of the things my W needed to hear was that her brokenness was no excuse for what she did. While it may have been a contributing factor in her decision-making process...it certainly did not excuse any of it.
Thankfully, that didn't HAVE to come from me. In fact, it couldn't. I was not allowed credibility to speak on such things. But, our 2nd MC was given that authority. And she put Mrs. Cap's feet 100% to the fire each and every time she tried to excuse away her behaviors.
Yes, it sucks to see someone we care about have to deal face-to-face with the brokenness of their past...but we cannot let them off the hook for ANY of their choices. Not even a little bit. That's what enablers do, and we cannot allow ourselves to enable any more of their bad behaviors and poor choices.
Accountability, accountability, accountability.
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical
OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( member #82983) posted at 4:53 AM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
That their actions often make them what many fear the most "unloved or unlovable" and it’s up to them to make themselves worthy of our love again.
Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 1:37 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
I made sure to destroy any positive feelings, or memories of the A or the AP. I would describe how It felt and point out how she would feel if I did the same things.
I would ask, what real man would knowingly accept 2nd place, knowing a woman is married and being ok with helping her destroy her family?
The BS expects exclusively, the AP is ok with leftovers, lying and sneaking for 2nd place.
Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years
SacredSoul33 ( member #83038) posted at 3:21 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
My H needed to believe that I could forgive him and that I still wanted to be married to him. I had always said that I would never tolerate cheating, and he believed me. DDay hit and I knew I wanted to R, and he didn't trust that I was being authentic about that.
My H also had a traumatic childhood. We're almost 19 years out from DDay and he just started IC. (We had a great MC, but didn't do IC. We fixed the we, but we didn't fix the me.) I would make IC a firm boundary, especially since there are FOO issues.
Mine needed to hear that he was still worthy of my love and respect, as long as he was giving me the same. He beat himself up a lot.
I made sure to destroy any positive feelings, or memories of the A or the AP. I would describe how It felt and point out how she would feel if I did the same things.
I did too. My H sort of felt like he was being mean to the OW by going NC. He needed to hear that not being NC with her would be mean to ME, and like CaptainRogers said, it had to come from our MC. We fought and fought over whether or not he should be allowed to wish OW a happy birthday and wanted to go back to treating her like any other coworker. MC finally got to him when he said, "You can't treat her like any other coworker because you didn't FUCK your other coworkers." (I love telling that story. 
)
He also didn't like it when I would talk shit about OW. He would shame me for it, saying that I was better than that. (No, I wasn't! lol) WS needs to let the BS talk shit, be understanding about the anger, and BE ON THEIR SIDE.
Gasping for air while volunteering to give others CPR is not heroic.
Your nervous system will always choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:18 PM on Tuesday, April 25th, 2023
My W needed to realize she really could change. The message had to come from inside, though, not from the outside.
As the Captain indicates, outside voices can help, IF the WS gives one or more of those voices authority.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 11:37 AM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023
Tanner I said the exact same words to my WH. You were willing to destroy your children’s outlook on love for someone who would #1. Co-sign you destroying your children and #2. Do backflips for a liar who gave her used electronics.
Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present
Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 11:43 AM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023
Mine needed to hear that he was still worthy of my love and respect, as long as he was giving me the same. He beat himself up a lot.
I don’t know how to quote-
But Sacred Soul Sister this is true of my husband as well.
He says he’s not sure if I’m really forgiving him or if I’m just gonna say "eff it I tried to forgive you but I can’t"
We’ve had a rollercoaster on fire kind of courtship before so I can see why he’d fear that.
Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present
Howcthappen (original poster member #80775) posted at 11:49 AM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023
Also-
This is not about coddling them-
I want to clarify that it’s more like it stems from their FOO issues and what that did to their perspective to make them blow their lives up.
Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 7:01 PM on Wednesday, April 26th, 2023
Howc,
You wrote, What do you feel as a BS your WS needs to hear now as they heal from what they did to us?
That I will forgive the OM and not take revenge.
Topic is Sleeping.
