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I have a child with my ex, and I have to interact with them and their new partner at an upcoming ballet performance. I’ve heard about the new partner, but as I’ve never had to interact with them before I’ve never cared. Now she is bringing them to the ballet recital that is on one of my days with my son.
I asked if this was one of the people they cheated on or emotionally cheated on with me. My ex got mad and said that they didn’t like this type of questioning. This is not an unreasonable request to me because I am actively healing and a trigger like this could be devastating. Am I being unreasonable?

Text convo:
Me. We are not in a place to share feelings or expect any sympathy, but can I ask if this is a person you had started talking with during our relationship?

Ex. We became friends during our divorce. He's the same person I ran past you this summer. I thought I told you his name then too.

Me. You did, I was wondering if this is your old boyfriend from Marquette, or if this is one of the people you were emotionally cheating on me with. I've been going to therapy and working on my anger and I don't wanna put myself in a situation where old injuries mymight get triggered

Ex. We didn't become close till after I brought up that I wanted a divorce to you. He became my best friend while you and I were getting a divorce. I will remind you that you were going on dates during that time as well. Your line of questions are making me very uncomfortable. You first stated that you didn't expect any feelings or sympathy and now you seem to be demanding an answer to your question.

You can ask. From her response, it sounds like he was an OM during the marriage.

The thing is,she cheated and lied during the marriage. You have zero reason to expect she would be honest now that you are divorced.

Is there any reason you would be in a position to meet this guy? I think its fine to tell her you have zero interest in seeing her or him,at the performance. The two of you are divorced. You are no longer required to interact with her. Sure, it would be nice if you could be friendly. But when you divorce someone because they betrayed you, it's unreasonable to expect you would want to be friendly with her anytime soon. Of course, she will probably say being friends is best,etc. It would make her feel better to blow up the family, and have everyone be friends. But that's not a reasonable expectation. If she wanted to leave the marriage, and remain friends, then she shouldn't have cheated.

Also, separating,and waiting for the divorce to be final and dating,is not the same as cheating while living in the same house as your spouse, and sneaking around. It's not even in the same ball park.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:36 PM, Friday, March 10th]

Sorry that you are in this terrible situation. I would also want to know but I’m not sure if your ex would tell you the truth. You may just need to make peace with whatever narrative you believe is true.
I hope you enjoy the ballet recital. Please don’t let your ex ruin these moments for you or your child.

You won't get the truth from cheaters and liars.

Sadly, assume this was someone that she cheated with [yes - be it EA/PA/inappropriate behavior].

Enjoy the recital. Speak to her only if and when necessary and keep it polite on a perfunctory level. The "new person" say nothing. They don't deserve it. NC is always the best practice.

You can ask.

You're ex is under no obligation to be nice to you.

Im so sorry that you are going through this.

I think you can ask all you want but being entitled to ask and entitled to an answer are different things.

I'm sorry, I cannot imagine trying to process and coparent without the truth. Your triggers are normal and natural, but in light of the fact you're no longer together, she is not obligated to help you through them. Based on her response, I think you can probably safely assume he was in the picture while you were still together.

I'm sorry you are hurting.