SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm trying to be vague, in case they stumble upon this site...

Someone I care about very deeply is dealing with infidelity in their LTR. Not married, no kids, finances separate.

They know I know, I reached out one time to offer condolences and let them know I was available if they wanted to talk, and could offer book recommendations, etc.

They have not reached out directly, but I know they are having second thoughts -- sunk cost fallacy, confusing regret w/ remorse kind of stuff.

I'm so conflicted. I don't want to overstep and give unsolicited advice. If they wanted to talk, they would have reached out, right?

But... if it were a different sitution, and they were like... considering moving back in with a physically abusive partner, or were going to make some other reckless decision, like... if they were at a casino and already had gambled away $1000, and didn't want to get up from the slot machine until they won it back... would it be appropriate to reach out again? To voice concerns? To maybe give a book about DV or talk to them about cutting their losses before they're in the hole $2000?

I feel like the answer is to keep my mouth shut, but I'm so worried (and this is someone very dear to me, that will presumably be in my life forever, so I genuinly want the best for them).

Edited to add: they are well aware of my situation, and were one of my closest supporters when I was in the midst of it all.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 3:15 AM, Saturday, March 4th]

I think it’s awesome that you offered your help to them. But I do believe that what you said is best… That they will come to you if they are wanting your help. They might just be in a weird "beginning" stunned phase of this situation, and aren’t ready for any outside help.

They are lucky to have you there as a resource whenever they’re ready.

… Accept the things you cannot change

… Change the things you can

… Try to know the difference.

I’d say that’s about all you can do until they realize what a great resource you would be for them.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 4:20 AM, Saturday, March 4th]

I would reach out but not mention the infidelity. Pushing when they aren't ready may just make them retreat even more.

Maybe suggest a movie or some other activity where you don't have to talk much? That could nudge the door open, and they can decide whether to walk through.

That's a tough one. I know that at the beginning, I couldn't think. Thanks, trauma response. What about calling the BS and flat out saying, "What can I do to help you?"

In times of crisis, there are some people I know that I could ask them to do anything. There were others that just showed up and said, "I'm here to do xwyz." I found out that I needed both.

Reach out but don’t mention anything unless the betrayed does.

Often people don’t want advice if they think they are being judged. Or if they are struggling to stay in a relationship they know is wrong - often they don’t want to hear any one else’s opinion.

You are a good person for even trying.

But... if it were a different sitution, and they were like... considering moving back in with a physically abusive partner, or were going to make some other reckless decision, like... if they were at a casino and already had gambled away $1000, and didn't want to get up from the slot machine until they won it back... would it be appropriate to reach out again? To voice concerns? To maybe give a book about DV or talk to them about cutting their losses before they're in the hole $2000?

But that's not really the situation here, at least to your knowledge, or else I think that you would intervene. If you were literally watching high-risk behavior/abuse, I don't think that you could remain silent. Rightfully so, in my opinion.

They both have their agency. That's the big one. How they plan to use that is up to each individual. Reaching out to them for non-infidelity related matters may be a great idea. On the other hand, don't be surprised if just your mere presence....with your infidelity background....may alone be a trigger at this time. Your in a tough spot. My advice would just keep being the good friend that you are. If they want your help, I believe that they will ask.

Personally, I would let them know that I'm there for them whatever they need.

Then, I will leave it at that.

But that's not really the situation here, at least to your knowledge, or else I think that you would intervene. If you were literally watching high-risk behavior/abuse, I don't think that you could remain silent. Rightfully so, in my opinion.

No, not high risk. It's just been 5+ years of keeping my mouth shut as they complained about red flag after red flag, plus experiencing my own red flags with the wayward partner in this situation, plus other friends commenting on the red flags they noticed. So... when BP (betrayed person) said it was over, those closest were like... sad the BP was going through this, but relieved they had decided to end the LTR. Except now the BP was talking to someone else, mentioning Esther Perel-esque wisdoms about how an A can be a revelation for a relationship and not the end, and when I heard this I... am just praying they're not going to fall into the "unmet needs" trap, when they were basically the adult in the relationship, taking care of everything while WP selfishly took a lot but contributed very, very little.

They both have their agency. That's the big one. How they plan to use that is up to each individual. Reaching out to them for non-infidelity related matters may be a great idea. On the other hand, don't be surprised if just your mere presence....with your infidelity background....may alone be a trigger at this time. Your in a tough spot.

I do wonder if this is it. I asked if BP wanted to do something this weekend, and they declined. They know how to reach me, so I'm going to not push or say anything else for awhile.

But... this situation gave me nightmares last night -- I dreamt I alone was asked to help the BP move back in with WP. WP tried to give me a hug and be all friendly and chatty (which is not their MO at all, they usually make no effort, flake out on plans, and if they do show up, talk to no one while BP is glued to their side unless they ask BP to do something for them). I rebuffed a hug, and BP got very mad, blew up and told me if I couldn't accept WP then I wasn't welcome in their lives. I really don't have to evaluate my dream much at all, because this is my exact fear -- there were many, many, many reasons why we didn't like WP before this happened, but we always made an effort to include both BP & WP. Usually BP would show up solo, and if WP came, too, it was a drag because BP was totally different, glued to their side for the entire event, so they wouldn't even really engage anyways.

I was sad about the situation before, and I just hope the BP doesn't go back to a relationship where, at least from the outside, several people that have known BP for decades had commented on WP not treating BP well, and had trouble understanding why BP would tolerate such poor treatment.

But... I just have to bite my tongue and hope BP chooses themselves, and doesn't do the "pick me dance," because they deserve so much better, and shouldn't be trying to do more to win WP back, when they already did so, so, so damn much.

… Accept the things you cannot change

… Change the things you can

… Try to know the difference.

I'm definitely struggling with this. I know I can't change if they decide to get back together.

I do wonder if BP was reading Shirley Glass instead of Esther Perel, if that would make a difference on how they feel.

I don't know how to put on a happy face and pretend I'm okay if they decide to continue their relationship and happy to have WP come to things, because I've long thought that WP takes advantage of BP's kindness and generosity. We all made a genuine effort beforehand to be inclusive and thoughtful, and it was obvious WP didn't feel the same, and never made an effort to reciprocate. But... I don't want to completely alienate or lose my relationship with BP. I recognize this is a two-way street, and it was painful enough for the past 5+ years.

I don't know how to be okay with being estranged from BP. It hurts.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 2:36 AM, Monday, March 6th]

ibonnie,

I hear you.

I do see that it's a situation where you're damned if you and you're damned if you don't.

Damn it !

I'm sorry that you are going through it.

Sending hugs.

I agree with the advice to reach out as a friend but do not offer advice that is not requested.

I know in my personal experience I would not have appreciated someone offering their opinions without my asking. I had a friend who did just that and I distanced myself from her.

I think you're in a tough spot if there is DV also going on because your friend being in physical danger is no joke. Is that what's happening?

As we know from experience, a lot of people are afraid of talking about infidelity because there's a lot of shame involved; also, if they really want reconciliation, they're reluctant to share anything that might make their wayward look back.

You don't need to vomit out a bunch of unsolicited advice, but I think you should reach out, let them know that you're available to vent, and that you would also be happy to share resources (such as SI) that were beneficial to you when you were in their situation.

I think you're in a tough spot if there is DV also going on because your friend being in physical danger is no joke. Is that what's happening?

No, sorry, poor analogy.

As far as I know, WP isn't physically abusive, just a financial drain.

BP & WP make roughly same salaries. BP pays 90% of the household expenses. BP moved out. BP is committed to continuing to keep financial situation as is for next several months, because they feel it's the decent thing to do.

Thankfully someone else has already questioned them about why they are continuing to foot the bill for a place they're not living in, to take care of someone that cheated on them. Even if they don't want to think about it right now, I'm hoping somewhere deep down they realize how unbalanced (and unfair) this is...