SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 2 months ago.

WS has shown no remorse, has barely apologized, and has rushed off to his life with the AP

We were married 10 years. I had always made it quite clear that cheating was an absolute dealbreaker for me. I guess I always knew on some level he was capable of it. I’m not sure if he would have tried to work on the marriage if I hadn’t made it clear to him that the marriage would be over if he cheated, but the truth is that I would have taken him back if he had apologized, cried, begged, shown remorse. But I got none of that. He’s been so cold.

I have done the 180 intuitively, learning about it on her afterwards. But it hasn’t made a difference

He says our marriage had been broken for a while and that we weren’t compatible. I had zero clue up until DDay that he felt this way. He never told me he was unhappy with the marriage, not once. We had our issues (especially surrounding the stress of having kids) but mostly it seemed good. We had fun, laughed, joked around, had good sex.

I feel like my life was ripped away from me and I was never given the chance to fix it. I would have done anything if I had known.

I’m having a particularly hard day. I feel like there’s something awful and unloveable about me that I just can’t see.

Oh my goodness. This could not be about you ANY less. This is a terrible thing he did and yes, it is all about him and has nothing to do with you! A person who could do something like this, who would keep it secret and not try to work on it, is a duplicitous and narcissistic person.

I know the feeling of being awful and unloveable as I am fighting with it myself now. But you know what? I realized today that there are other people in my life who really do love me. That's all I need to know. I am sure you have them too. Think about that and remind yourself. ((HUGS))

He didn't leave because you told him, years ago, that it was a deal breaker. He didn't leave because the marriage was bad.

He left because he's a coward,and he doesn't have what it takes to reconcile. He doesn't want to face the consequences, and he doesn't want to work on himself. It's easier to wallow in the mud with the pig he was cheating with.

Saying the marriage was bad is a super common response from an unremorseful WS. If the marriage was that bad, you would have known. He would have said something. He's using that as an excuse to explain his abusive behavior.

You could see it as a gift. Rather than be put through false reconciliation, with a ws who wears a mask,only to find out they're still a cheater,he left. You are now free to heal,and move on,and eventually the right man..a GOOD man..will come along.

I’m sorry this has happened. This has nothing to do with you it’s about him being broken, selfish and a cowardly.

Nothing you did caused this and nothing you can do to change his mind. Do not chase him or try to win him over it will not work.

I know it’s awful but you will get through it.

There is one thing you can certainly count on, he is going to be the same jackass wherever he is. She is going to get a damaged cheater.

As someone who was with an unremorseful and unrepentant cheater, I completely understand. Especially when you read these stories on SI, you can’t help but think: wasn’t I worth even pretending you care?

But trust me when I say your WH is doing you a huge favor by not stringing you along, putting you through the stress of false, and draining more years of your precious life. Stay on here long enough and you will consider yourself grateful that the trash took itself out.

As for practical advice, if you haven’t filed yet, go ahead and get it done. If he’s eager to move on with AP, take advantage of that to get yourself the most favorable settlement possible. You also need to protect yourself from getting screwed over or having marital funds/assets siphoned off to pay for his new life.

Agree with the above from BluerThanBlue completely. My STBXW did me a massive favor in the end by walking straight out to AP. It hurt like total hell, but at least I saw clearly who I was dealing with and any delusion of a false reconciliation. Mine turned icy cold as well, as if a switch flipped, and really that seems to be a pretty common occurence, whether it is due to malevolence or as a dfense mechanism, either way you don't deserve to be treated that way.

You are still terribly early in this journey, but as I have discovered over the last few months we all get there, even when we don't feel like we will. Lean on you support system. That mattered to me a lot.

All the best.

There is not a thing you could have done because his cheating was not about you or the marriage, it was about himself. His flaws, his insecurities, his vulnerabilities, and his ability to overlook any moral compass he once had. He will quickly learn that the same things that made him unhappy in this relationship will cause problems in the next relationship. You cannot run from yourself forever.

Doesn’t hurt any less though, does it?

I’m sorry you are struggling and doing so without anyone there to be held accountable for that hurt. Please continue to post. There is a group of people here who have been right where you are and have felt just as you’re feeling. It won’t stop you from feeling awful but it’ll help to have someone to talk to.

So sorry you find the need to be here.

This kind of behavior does happen more often than what one may think.

Cheaters cheat because they are self centered selfish people. End of. There is nothing a less than optimal relationship presents that justifies cheating. When things are less good people talk things out. Try diferent aproaches to see if it helps with the issues, or - if all else fails - people go their diferent ways.

Cheating is selfish. Cheating is wanting the safety and confort of what is "stablished" with the added trill of whats "new". Cheating is a narcisistic attitude. End of. People who cheat are selfish broken people. End of.

There is nothing you could have done to prevent that. And there is nothing you can do to change that fact.

What YOU can do is VALUE yourself. What YOU can do is VALUE your own self being. So as you can take care of your health and well being.

Stay strong. Stay focused. Value WHO YOU ARE as a PERSON and things will get back on track. With time you will get what YOU deserve in your life.

Sending hugs. Have a good/peaceful/strong new year.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 11:17 PM, Sunday, January 1st]

I agree with everyone here at SI. All great advice and insight.

I doubt your Cheating Spouse was all that unhappy until he met the AP. I’m sure you had a good marriage until he decided to cheat.

Then it was ALL your fault he was unhappy (eye roll here) 😡

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:47 PM, Sunday, January 1st]

This is my first post but I felt compelled to reach out because our situations are similar. Married 6 years together 10. Found out exactly 2 weeks ago and we have not spoken since.

he sent me some coward ass text messages that I never responded to. Same BS all the sudden things had been bad for a while but he never said anything. He’d been acting "different" for a few weeks prior.

Anyways- I just wanted to say that I understand. Them not being apologetic is the worst. Mine is off with his AP/ ex gf from 15 years ago.

Be kind to yourself. He is the piece of garbage here not you.

I'm sorry. The truth is that it's a lie, deception. What I mean by that is that, depending upon how far along this process your WS is (with DDay being only 2 months ago), he's on a chemical high in his adulterous brain. Dopamine is going crazy in response to the AP and the A in general. Serotonin is also very low, from what I've found through years of trying to figure out how affairs happen. So he's on a roller coaster. Serotonin keeps us stable and steady. Dopamine feels ecstatic. Once this chemical cocktail takes over, it seems like most affairs run very similar courses. It's not about you. It happens to the best of people this world has to offer. In no way does any of that excuse his adultery. But just know he's on a well trodden path. He's demonizing you right now. The AP has a halo of perfection that can't be penetrated. But time will change that. Her warts will show. And when that happens, eventually, he's going to realize all he left for her. He will miss you. He will regret his choices. It's almost guaranteed. That's not saying you should take him back when that happens, at all. It's not saying you shouldn't. All that is a path you have to walk. But just know that eventually this dynamic does turn around. He'll miss you. He'll realize what he's lost. He'll be the one full of pain and regret. And by that time you may well have moved on and found happiness elsewhere, either with your own single life or with another person. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One day at a time. And time will change the dynamic. Time will ease the pain the pain for you, while bringing the day of reckoning for him. Sending love.

Thank you to each and every person who replied to this.

I could read all of these responses 100x (and I might just!).

You all seem to know exactly what I need to hear in my dark moments. Thank you!!!!!

I'm sorry you are going through this. This is absolutely not about you. If the marriage was so bad, he could've suggested counseling. Or gotten a divorce. Instead, he chose to sneak around behind your back and cheat. Now, instead of owning up to that he's trying to place some blame on you and make excuses for HIS disgusting choice. He is a coward. He can't face consequences of HIS actions, the very shitty ones that hurt YOU and your CHILDREN. he's selfish. This has absolutely nothing to do with you or the state of the marriage. There were other respectable options he could've chosen besides cheating. We all have flaws. Marriage takes work. I'll almost guarantee there were some times that you weren't thrilled with the state of your marriage. Did you go screw someone else? All marriages have issues and take work from both spouses. Cheating is a whole different issue that comes from him and him only because something inside HIM is broken. He has his own personal issues that he needs to face.

Keep doing the 180. Not so he'll come back to you. But so you get strong and have boundaries for how you'll be treated. You get to decide how you're treated. And what he's done to you, your marriage, your children is unacceptable. You have been betrayed in the highest way possible by the one person that's supposed to protect you. You deserve so much better. Keep your head up. Hugs to you. You can and will get through this, regardless is he is ever remorseful or not.

[This message edited by Kb82 at 7:47 PM, Sunday, January 1st]

You all seem to know exactly what I need to hear in my dark moments.

That is probably because we all (or almost all) have been through similar situations.

Some more recent, some a long time ago. Some once. Some more than once. And we notice there are many, many similar atitudes (similar patterns) being taken by WSs in regards to the subject.

What I found out is most helpful in a community like this is that by reading other people's experiences we managed to broden the field of view, realising that our situation is not an exception - as we many times think. Many similar circunstances overlap, and this experience is usually extremely important for a constructive balanced mindset going forward after DDay.

The empowering aspect it brings to us is also extremely important in my opinion. Because many times, after DDay one feels lost, miserable, without any path to follow so as to get rid of the pain. Reading what others see from a diferent/more distant perspective - grounded on the background experiences they have - give us a totally diferent perspective going forward. About ourselves, about our position amongst the mess, and about our importance as a person when considering our strong core values and ideals.

All in all these are all powerfull empowering experiences that help us get an hold on reality and on what we need to do going forward.

So stay strong. Rely on family and friends in the harsh moments. Never loose focus and you will eventually get through this moment and end up on a better place.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 11:50 PM, Sunday, January 1st]

Hedgehog

We are both going through similar. I’m 3 months out and today he and AP move across the UK to start their new life running a pub.

This is definitely not about you or anything you could have done. He is a coward and as many have said there were other ways of handling unhappiness.

You will have many people who care about you either close or on a telephone, use them. They care about you and won’t want to see you hurting.

I’m a bit sad today knowing what WS and AP are doing, thinking he should be here with me but then I think no, not here with me. I don’t want him here.
He’s a narcissist, a liar, a cheater with no moral compass. As much as he tries to reinvent himself, no matter where they go WS cannot run from themselves. They take all their personal shit with them. She can have him.

Be kind to yourself, we will all get there. Keep posting the support here is out of this world

Sending hugs

He says our marriage had been broken for a while and that we weren’t compatible.

One of the Top Three lines that a betrayed will hear after discovery, is that their marriage was not good.

Most likely, the cheater believes this(in the moment), but they NEVER conclude that cheating may have contributed to a 'bad marriage'.

The same goes for compatibility--this is also 'true' because we, the betrayed, prefer monogamy. That's about as incompatible as it can get.

Again, those lines are total bs, but what else could they possibly spin that would make it okay to cheat?

ETA--as for your cheating being an 'automatic' dealbreaker, that applied to 90+ percent of us here....until we were faced with infidelity. It surprising how such a hard core belief of ours can turn out to be flexible is surprising. I know that I was shocked that I even considered trying again, when I always thought it was an open-and-shut topic.

When I found out in dday2 that my H was still cheating and I worked my butt off trying to Reconcile, I had enough.

My only response was a very calm "I am Divorcing you".

Forvsix months, all I heard was how unhappy he was, everything wrong with me blah blah blah.

Then when I decided to D him, he decides he truly wants to R. I wanted no part of him or Anything to do with Reconciliation. When he would try to tell me how I was important to him, love of his life, blah blah blah I would throw every thing he said back in his face.

He admitted that he had not been "very unhappy" for years — it was not true. He admitted he said those mean things to me to justify his behavior / cheating. He knew at the time he said those hurtful things they weren’t true.

I believe MOST cheaters will say anything to justify the affair. They will lie and blame everyone else for their poor choices.

The choice to cheat lies with one person - the cheater.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:29 PM, Monday, January 2nd]