SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After 52 years of marriage, my husband decided to confess all of his past infidelities. I was devasted. He had cheated on me from 1973 through 2000. I knew about one affair with a woman in California which he had led me to believe was a one-night stand. It turns out that he had sex with her multiple times while on business in California. This was in 1990 after 20 years of marriage. I knew there had probably been one or two others in the past before her but that was the final straw. I was so hurt and finally put my foot down. He continued to lie to me. He bought her a gold necklace that Christmas and had sex with again in January. He knew how hurt I was after I found the receipt for this necklace on Christmas Eve. He had always put me and the kids second in his life although he was a very good father and provider. He started going to nude bars at the encouragement of his best friend in 1972 when I was pregnant with our second child. This was his first instance of cheating while away on a trip to a NASCAR race with some bar maid. He used no protection every time he cheated on me. He said the second time was with one of the dancers at a nude bar. He said these were just one time. He said he had only kissed or fingered other women and there were only ten others during the 70s. Anyone on the outside would think we were the perfect family. I am quite attractive and had multiple advances from other men, but I loved my husband and took my marriage vows seriously. I thought I had married someone who felt the same way; however, he only felt that way for the first two years of our marriage. He suffered from a COVID related psychosis and blames that for his outburst of confessions which started when I discovered that he had been sexting with multiple women on Facebook. I looked at his phone and saw disgusting messages, etc. He had been asking them for nude pictures and to be sure to show their nipples and vagina. This was a 74 year old male communicating sexually with multiple young and beautiful women. He said that was just a fantasy which I do believe but he never once considered how it may hurt me. After his affair in 1990, things gradually improved, and he was a considerate husband or at least I thought he was. It turned out that he took a coworker to lunch in 2000 and had lunch with her in a parking lot. I thought things were good between us then. Our sex life was good, and it had always been pretty good over the years. He developed ED in his 60s and our sex life pretty much dissolved. Now here I am over 70 and discover that I have been living with a stranger for 52 years. He says he loves me and is very sorry for his actions which I do believe. He quotes the Cher's song "If I could turn back turn" to demonstrate his feelings. I quoted Willie Nelson's "You were always on my mind" to demonstrate how I always felt. I was never on his mind when he was cheating; he only thought of himself. At this point in my life, it's hard to imagine a life without him. I lost all respect for him in 1990 and will never love him like I once did. He has been the best husband ever since March of this year, but a few months doesn't erase 50 years of deceit and 27 years of cheating. I have been an emotional wreck since January when I found the Facebook messages. He didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing and told me he didn't mind if I had an affair or sexual fantasies with other men. I think he finally realizes it was wrong and he stopped all communications with these Facebook women. I went back to work in the office from which retired. I had been working remotely a few hours each month since retirement. My boss is wonderful and said I could come in as much as I wanted. We were very busy at the time, and it worked out well. Work was my salvation. I couldn't stand to be around my husband. I told my boss about the situation. Our sons do not know about things but I have confided in a few friends and a couple of close cousins. It helps me to talk about it but my husband got all bent out of shape every time I brought it up. He said this happened over 30 years ago and he has been totally faithful for the past 22 years (he doesn't see the Facebook incident as a betrayal). I'm just taking one day at a time. I made a list of pros and cons and the pros outweigh the cons for staying with him. We have common interests and I do enjoy his company. He has been wonderful the past few months and has tried to pleasure me sexually like he never had in the past. He will never be more than a legal companion to me ever again. It took me years to get over his 1990 affair and I was devasted to find out he had cheated again in 2000 after knowing how much he had hurt me.

I'm so sorry. He's been a horrible husband, and a horrible father from the very beginning.

Betrayed spouses almost always talk about how their cheater is a wonderful parent. It's the shock. The truth is,no they're not. A wonderful father doesn't have unsafe sex with strippers, and then have sex with their wives. They're exposing them to potentially deadly stds. A wonderful father doesn't risk their children's family, security, and happiness by having affairs. A wonderful father sets a good example.

He may not see the Facebook thing as cheating,but it is.

He's a serial cheater. He's an abuser.

I realize you are in your 70's,but you don't have to spend the rest of your life with a man who has never cared for you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:30 PM, Thursday, October 20th]

He’s a serial cheater. Many of them do not stop for very long stretches. It’s like an addiction or compulsion for those types of cheaters.

I suggest counseling just for you. Someone you can freely share your thoughts. Someone who can support you.

He needs counseling too. On his own. Someone experienced with sexual addiction (if in fact that is his diagnosis).

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:05 PM, Thursday, October 20th]

I'm really not sure at this point there is any reason to focus on him at all. Therapy? After an entire lifetime of entitlement and successfully manipulating your world to get exactly what he wanted when he wanted it? He still thinks asking for nudes is ok. I don't often think hopeless, but I do here. If I were you I would waste zero time on him, his issues, his feelings.

You could of course leave him. I think ultimately you'd be fine. You have your children and he'd owe you alimony so hopefully financially you'd be ok.

Or, you could look at the next chapter of your life as yours. Stay with him for some companionship and financial support but otherwise start living your absolute best life. Travel, hobbies, friends, shopping, whatever it is you love to do and think you might lose out on if you were on your own.

Seriously, take advantage of the roommate situation to serve yourself for once in this decades long relationship. You certainly deserve it.

Edited to add: I imagine this is extremely painful for you. But try to look at it this way: You loved and lived the life you cherished. His bullshit doesn't reflect on you and it does not rob you of the joy you felt loving your family. He missed out, not you. So take what you need from him to make yourself happy.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 8:45 PM, Thursday, October 20th]

Xcook,
I am so very sorry that you are in the place that you are right now. I empathize with your story very much as it sounds so similar to mine.
I found out after 30 years together after I caught him on facebook as well. He confessed a few months after I caught him to many things over our 30 years together. I also only knew of one affair in the 90's but suspected others. I too never loved my husband the same after confirming the one in the 90's and it took probably 10 years to not think about it daily.
I also understand the pros and the cons of staying or leaving. I weigh them everyday. Family, finances, old age, companionship, and just too damn tired to start over!
One big difference between your story and mine is that my husband immediately sought counseling for himself to work on his issues. This past year he has seemingly changed into a totally different man. He accepts ownership of all of his actions. Despite all of this, I still hate him many days.
I do not have the greatest advice as others will have but I do believe if you have a chance in hell of ever finding peace with your husband he needs to meet every demand and need that you have. And even if he does, there is still no guarantee that you will find that peace. He needs to discuss it as often and much as you want to. He needs counseling. He needs to offer transparency. He needs to treat you like a queen for the rest of your life.
One of my requirements was that he tell our adult children as I had really been checked out for months from my family despite being a very involved grandma and mom before. I am glad I did. It made him accountable not only to me going forward but also to his children who were watching him.
You are going to get some really great advice from so many wise people but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and I will be thinking of you. Peace and strength for you, today and in the days ahead.

I am so very sorry that this happened to you.
I don't think I've ever been as shocked by anyones story as I am this one of yours.
You know he will certainly never be a safe partner for you. If you can accept that and stay with him going forward, knowing what may happen, you are a stronger person than I.
Perhaps as others have said some counseling may be a help to you. Either way, going forward, even with him, just be yourself, find what makes you happy and do it all. Think of yourself and whats best for you, he lost any consideration or concern from you due to his own actions. None of this was on you, in any way.

Hello xcook, I am so sorry you find yourself here and so very sorry for the reality shift you are navigating. I don’t know how to help you with the time it takes to process the lies of the past and begin to heal, but I wanted to offer support and sympathy and tell you what helped me. I spent too much time trying to figure out the life I thought I was living with the truth, but things started to get easier for me when I reframed my situation a little. I was always me, always honest and true and I lived an authentic, honorable life. My LT cheating WH’s choices were not a reflection on me, just a reminder how trust can be a liability.

There is no cure for the heartbreak of learning someone you loved unconditionally did not return the love in kind, and didn’t have our backs like we had theirs. But I am able now to look back at the decade of cheating and the following five years of lies through a less painful lens. One of the things that helped me was realizing there was no explanation he could give that would lessen my pain, no why that would make a difference. Another is letting go of the idea of wasted time. I went back through my photo archives and right there is proof of a full, interesting and vibrant life that I lived, and only a piece of it was false. I made a photo file of just me, the kids and the dog we just buried and cropped out any evidence of the liar and I was finally able to look at myself from age 49-63 without confusion or regret. I am proud of the life I made for my family and even more proud of the choices I have made when those around me did not do the same. I thought my WH and I weathered the storms of midlife crisis and bonded as we watched our best friends and my sister’s marriages destroyed by Infidelity. It is sad and ironic to me that he was cheating the entire time, rationalizing that he deserved it, due to petty resentments he let build up because he is an emotional teenager.

I see him so differently now, and understand that so much of what I perceived as strengths were actually crappy coping techniques. I believe we are never to old to learn anything and I have learned so much on this journey. I have learned that I would prefer to have never walked this path and to have continued to believe that there were relationships that endured without infidelity, but I also have learned that I am strong enough to live in a world without the fairy tale. I have learned why I was so invested in the romantic myth of the perfect relationship, and have come through that learning a stronger and more balanced person. I have learned that being a giving nurturing personality is noble but also not always in my best interest. I am learning to put myself first and live in a world I choose, not a world I settle for. I have learned how deeply flawed my WH is, and have learned what redeeming values he still holds for me. I have learned how to assess the pros and cons and to always have options in mind should anything change. I have learned how strong and stubborn and resilient and dependable and awesome I really am.

I hope when the shock wears off and your pain subsides a bit that you learn some amazing things about yourself and your life, regardless of what path you take. This site is invaluable for support, perspective and offering hope moving forward. Take care of yourself and start mapping out the next decade of your life and make it your own. Best to you.

Add another one to the long term marriage and finding out about cheating on Facebook. Married 36 years and he goes back to Vietnam and meets a prostitute and continually messaged through Facebook. I have to say I stay for the reasons you stated. He is a companion. We get along well. He always says he never thought about leaving me. Well, I can’t say the same now. What I thought was a happy marriage is a lie. What in the heck do this old impotent dudes think makes for a successful life? Getting duped by con women? For me it is having raised successful children, a happy marriage and a fulfilling career. I guess for old dudes it’s how many women can con you out of money. When my dad died at 90 this 33 year old barmaid called me and said how much she appreciated him paying her rent for 2 years. I told her in our state that is against the law. She quickly hung up the phone.

Thanks everyone for your encouraging words of support. I truly appreciate it. I am getting absolutely everything I want at his expense. He has turned into the husband I always wanted but now the tables have turned where I’m using him to my advantage. Thanks again and know I will get over the hurt some day.