SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Guys, I am struggling and need some input from people who understand.

The ex was a serial cheater, who also happened to be a disaster in many other ways too. Got fired from multiple jobs, did shady shit at a few, struck up inappropriate relationships at all of them. He was diagnosed as bipolar after our divorce, but I also believe him to be a sociopath. He checks every single sociopath box.

We are 60/40 joint custody, which feels so wrong to me. But I’ve been told my multiple experts that I’ll never get sole custody unless he is an "obvious danger" to the kids.

But you guys know- just because they aren’t an obvious danger doesn’t mean they’re good for the kids. Everyone acts like they just cheated on us, not the kids. Only those who’ve been there understand the depth of destruction they cause to their kids through this behavior, and that the kids are not somehow magically independent of this.

I hate that this is the man who has to be my kids primary male role model. He’s a pathological liar and a cheat, and is incapable of putting his kids needs above his own. All decisions he makes are abt him and feeding his need for power and ego. Of course I don’t want my kids to be without a father, but damn. Is it really better to have this mentally unstable broken man in their life just so they have a father?

I know I can’t do anything abt it and will never be the one to interfere with their relationship. But I don’t see how he’s really good for them. Or how I will ever heal having to coparent with him for the next 15 years. I feel constant stress, anger and resentment abt it all. I live in constant fear that he is going to make one of his characteristic stupid impulsive decisions that once again blows up our worlds. At a minimum, it kills me to think of him having any impact at all on the kind of people they turn out to be, because he is a terrible awful person. And I already see it happening. As an example, he shoves his political views down their throats and now my 12 and 10 year olds talk about how terrible one political party is versus another. Something they shouldn’t even be worrying abt at 12 and 10… or at least should be given the space to come to their own political views. Another example is he has scared them abt the Covid vax, and refuses to let them be vaxxed. I would force the issue but he has put this in their minds now and they are scared of it too and refuse to get it. And then the ex says that he bought horse dewormer (his exact words) in case he or the boys get it. He will just give it to them to get them better. I can’t tell you the horror and fear this filled me with and the fury which I unleashed on him for even thinking abt it.

Just looking for words of advice on how to navigate this utter insanity and ridiculousness for the next 15 years and yet still find happiness and peace.

Help!

I’m sorry for you. I have a friend who D the same type of guy (perhaps the cheaters were twins separated at birth lol).

Just be present for your kids. Explain that everyone has an opinion and they need to keep an open mind.

Ask them - when the XH presents his opinion or "facts" - well what about this idea or that fact. Example: he says one politician is the worst. Ask them if they know that said politician did this or that (positive things). Ask them why do they think the news media only presents one side?

Keep opening their minds to new ideas. Eventually they will question him in his facts and see things differently. Have patience.

There was a case here in Canada last week where the judge temporary suspended visitation to an unvaccinated parent.

What you are going through would terrify me. We know that kids often mimic their parents :(

Ugh, I felt this. Not because I had kids with my cheater (which I did not), but because it reminds me of my childhood growing up with divorced parents.

First off, your kids wanting to imitate their dad or spout his crap isn't about them liking or agreeing with I don't think - it's more about them wanting acceptance from him. Mine did the political stuff when I was really young too and I grew up to hold views that are polar opposites to his. When I was a kid I mimicked what he said, but once I started growing up and expanding my world view I developed my own sense of who I was and what I was about. Yours will too. Kids aren't stupid and they do figure things out for themselves.

Second. This is more about my sister's dad (who was extremely mentally unstable). My mom had the same fight about custody and was told the same things about 'unless he's a danger'. I get that the courts have to try to grant fair custody and that the child & family services are stretched to the max, but I saw how frustrating it was for my mom because he damn well was a danger, even if he wasn't 'doing' something dangerous. So my advice there is document everything. Keep records of all the text messages, emails, keep a log of all phone calls (what day/time, what was discussed, demeanor during call etc). God forbid something should ever happen but if it does, that documentation would be super important.

Lastly. No matter what he's doing or saying, don't ever talk badly about him in front of the kids. My mom was really good about this - she never ever said a bad word about my dad when I was little. When I started getting older and realizing how he was acting wasn't okay, she still wouldn't talk shit about him; instead, she would listen to me and then would relate a story of a time when he acted similarly to her and how it made her feel. She would keep those anecdotes very factual, but it always helped because it let me know that how I was feeling was a normal response. My dad was a master gaslighter, so it was always nice to know that my instinctive responses to his bullshit weren't 'crazy'.

It's not gonna be easy, I can tell you that. I didn't see my mom's struggle so much with my dad, but I sure did with her and my sister's dad (I'm 11 years older, so was way more aware of things when they split). But I think the most important thing is for your kids to know that you're in their corner no matter what and that they can come talk to you always. And then just have faith - your ex sounds like he will continue to act predictably like himself and sooner or later your kids will see it too.

I am sorry that you are struggling.

The good news, I think, is that parenting is really difficult and the person that you describe will not be a great parent for the long-term and the issues that you describe might sort themselves out on their own.

Some things to remember:

1. Kids can be influenced, but kids are also smart and they will also see him for who he is eventually.

2. You can't control what goes on at his home so don't even try. He gets to set different rules and standards and you should encourage your kids to follow his rules at his home. This is a two-way street, so you get to set your own rules and you should expect your kids to follow your rules at your home.

3. You need to be a great parent in the time that you have. Meaning, you have to compensate for the 40% of the time when you don't have your kids.

4. One day, your kids will emancipate from the legal bindings of your divorce. Then, you can say and do whatever you want as a parent (because you're their mom for their entire lives... not just until they emancipate).

Is it really better to have this mentally unstable broken man in their life just so they have a father?

Yes and no.

My GF's dad was a raging alcoholic and a complete asshole (before he got sober) by all accounts. He passed 20+ years ago and she still breaks down and cries at various times because she misses her dad.

My GF's ex-husband is a raging alcoholic who is usually nice, but sometimes abusive to her and to his kids (when he's drunk). Still, he loves his kids dearly... even though he regularly asks my GF to keep the kids for the night because "he's sick" or no reason is given.

One thing to remember is that you can use him as a counter-example for your kids. You have to be sly and not explicit about who you are talking about... but my ex-wife is a narcissist who tries to make herself the focal point of my kids' lives. In contrast, I am already teaching my high school-aged kids about how it's getting close to being time for them to be on their own, to establish their own lives, and to have complete responsibility (good and bad) for themselves.

In your case, you might want to tackle "crazy beliefs that people have because of what they read on the internet" without being specific about ivermectin. There is a fine line between teaching your kids the stuff that they need to know versus parental alienation when the other parent is a complete psychopath/sociopath.

Finally, I would consult an attorney about how medical decisions are handled if you are unsure. I theoretically have "joint legal custody" so neither of us can make medical decisions on our own, although my ex wife refuses to allow me to participate in my kids' medical care. I could possibly "push it" and file some sort of legal complaint, but it won't go anywhere (unless she is clearly endangering my kids -- but there is only weak evidence for this so far). The COVID (and other) vaccine can be argued either way because the risk that COVID appears to pose to young people is far less than older people... That said, I would claim that giving your kids ivermectin would qualify as "endangering them" so I would explicitly tell him that you are strongly opposed (and do this in writing).

I was where you are now in 2013!!!!!!!! Plus my xh married the OW, they had a nice house, money and were also pushing hard for her kids and mine to all move into this big beautiful house they bought. I was terrified my SA xh and the OW (who was involved in a murder/suicide and SA) would get my kids from me.

So, with advise from SI and from friends this is what I did: (and it has worked out very well in the long run).

Note: if he were not manipulating my kids, I prob would have been more negotiable on things, but the few times I gave in, he told his family and friends I was pawning them off on him, when the opposite was true).

I was very fortunate that 2 of our family friends have good husbands who would take my kids to do guy stuff.
If your kids are in athletics, band, any activities please keep them in it to have good role models.

So, I stood up for myself and did not give up any of my visitation. (Xh always planned vacations, fun things to do on my time.) I would email him and attach a copy of the visitation agreement he signed. I had first right of refusal, he left kids with OW, I called him at work and made him bring them to me. He wouldn’t return the kids one weekend, I called the police, they met me elsewhere and we went to get them. I NEVER got on the phone and argued with him. I kept it very professional and in writing. I told my kids our property lines were our safe space. When xh and ow showed up here raising hell in the driveway, I silently walked away and called the police. My D papers say no fighting in front of kids or where they can hear.

ff a year: ow kids moved out from her back to their Dads bc of all the fighting.
Then, xh began canceling on our children & I always happily got them. (Please try to put $ aside so that you can do something fun with them when he backs down.) ex:my xh canceled his Christmas visitation with them. I called a friend in Florida and we drove straight there. (Some people on SI say to not get the kids when the xws backs out, make him responsible, so if that happens to your kids, you could post here and get a different input).

One son wanted to live with his Dad at one point bc his Dad had promised him a car. I told him to really think about it, that the judge had assigned his residence to me. (I was inside freaking out). I had him think about it, and about that time xh began drinking heavily and he didn’t bring it back up again.

Eventually xh stopped coming to anything of the kids, and that was truly heartbreaking. But it’s who my xh is:only there if it benefits him.

Once my kids could drive, they would go and come back on their own, and leave when the drinking and fighting started at their Dads. Dad would put them down and I told them they don’t have to go anywhere that they are degraded, even if it’s a family member.

Now they rarely go to their Dads-now 24 and 21.

Btw-they both grad college and have jobs. I think they are very good hearted people.

And all this time I actually never bad mouthed their Dad to them (but I vented on SI a lot !!!!!).

This could have been written by me. So many similarities its incredible. I think my biggest fear is how he only thinks of himself, and will he put his own needs/wants before the kids.

My kids' dad was a real piece of work before he died in a motorcycle accident, killing him and his girlfriend, who he had a 3rd child with.

He cheated on me with 11 women that I was told about. Lord only knows how many there were that he didn't tell me about.

He got fired from a job for having sex on the job. He never held down jobs.

He ended up killing himself on a motorcycle, so he took himself out of my kids' lives.

While he was alive, he picked up my kids with a motorcycle and they rode in a sidecar and I was so very concerned for their well-being, but I was not allowed to refuse him visitation, or be in contempt of court.