SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Today my wife is finishing up the annual review process at her new job (maybe not super new at this point). She was asked to join a colleague (male) for drinks some time this weekend. Both the colleague's spouse and myself were invited initially (potentially kids too depending on location TBD at the time). We looked a little more at plans and it made more sense for them to just meet without everyone getting together. This doesn't bother me at all. There is no pattern that would match what I saw previously, and no risk in my mind of this being another EA.

That said, our conversation was WAY different from the last time she went to go get beers with a friend (who was a mutual friend with the AP). At that time it had been something like, "Do whatever you want." She said, "But there will be consequences?" I said, "Yes." and she went anyway.

This time, I said, "You should just go alone and talk shop. I don't want to deal with a baby sitter, I'm not going to drink any beer anyway (New Year's Resolution in play). I'd rather just stay home with the boys."

She said, "No really, we can just cancel, I don't have to go. I promise you this isn't anything but I don't want you to be even a little uncomfortable."

"It's really totally fine. This is way different than the last time you went out for drinks alone, and I think you can feel that difference."

"I really don't want you to be anxious. It's really no problem if it doesn't fit in our schedule."

"It doesn't bother me at all. Go have a year end beer, and I'll see you when you get back."

"I understand if you are anxious at all though. I could see how it could look."

"That's a solid transference of vigilance, you know from that book on forgiveness, and I think you've handled this really well. Seriously, just go have a beer."

"Thanks."

Then we hugged. That's it.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 9:38 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]

I'd say this is a big victory.

Happy for you.

That's awesome. So happy for you.

Damn! That is excellent.

I have to admit, first time I read the words "transference of vigilance" -- I had no clue. Like many of us, I read lots of books, tons of articles trying to figure out my life after infidelity. I saw the concept, but again, it was way too early at the time in my recovery to understand it, or even look for it.

Today, I'm pretty damn sure if my wife had NOT taken the mantle of vigilance, back to protecting me and us -- I highly doubt I would be in R at all -- much less a happy one.

Sometimes too vigilant as well, where I had to tell her I am not the wounded dude from discovery day anymore.

Weird to see someone go from not being able to see you at all to being overprotective of me.

We are finding the balance where she will not weigh every decision in order to defer to my 'potential' concerns.

I'm dealing with something similar right now. Effective 1/1/22, my W got a new MALE supervisor and I'm not handling it well, and she's mostly trying to rug sweep my feelings on the matter. I've never met the guy and he lives/works 500 miles away ... my W works remotely. I'm mostly just frustrated over her conflict avoidance and lack of willingness to address an elephant when it walks into a room.

Anyway, it sounds like you're more fully healed and/or your W is more aware of your potential concerns. Good for you ... wish I was there.

What a wonderful post. ❤️

I think it’s wonderful that she has earned the right to be trusted and that she has given you the ability to trust.

Very good to hear TIF! Glad to hear things are looking up.

How did the meeting go?

She had a beer or two then came back when she said she would. We talked about what they talked about. Mostly work stuff. A little bit new years resolutions sort of stuff. Nothing surprising or too personal.

She said she couldn't help but to mentally compare it to her EA (that started at a conference over drinks with a coworker) but could recognize how different this meeting was emotionally. That she has good boundaries now and would immediately leave if she felt like anything flirty or bitching about spouses came up. She said she felt very aware of her words and actions. That she was acting as though I was there with her.

Have you ever had a conversation between the two of you comparing the insipidness of this meeting to what it felt like to meet with her AP?
Due to the nature of the A, meetings with APs are much more exciting, fun and enjoyable. Aren't you worried that she's making that comparison inside and longing for her A/AP?
The worry I'm talking about here is not the risk of AP re-entering the picture, but just the recollection of those strong emotions.

No, I'm not worried.

This sounds really healthy. Happy for you.

I'll channel W2BHA and suggest that your OP would be a really nice addition to Positive Reconciliation Stories. I'll even add an emoji in her honor!

And either way, thanks for sharing it here.

That’s great! Sounds like a lot of progress to me!

This0is0Fine,

I'll channel W2BHA and suggest that your OP would be a really nice addition to Positive Reconciliation Stories. I'll even add an emoji in her honor! grin

I agree!

There are so many wonderful things about that exchange. Your WW is now protecting you and your M. She has your back. The conversation is real. These situations happen in life and she’s letting you know about it. But she’s putting your feelings first. If you are uncomfortable, she’s happy to not do it because she wants to make sure you’re okay. And then on your end, the fact that’s she’s earned your trust where you are in a good place about it, that’s amazing.

There were a number of times in the beginning of our R journey where similar situations arose and I shut them down without discussing them with my BH. Call it hyper vigilance if you want, and also me not being secure in myself or our situation at the time. Real growth was when I was comfortable sharing those situations with my BH and discussing it with him, and he was comfortable hearing about them and discussing it with me. Whether I went or not (I generally didn’t), was besides the point.

I’m so happy for you that you’ve gotten to that point.

I logged on to write my "Thankful Thursday" post for today...and saw where my FAVORITE niece on here had written on this thread . I just HAD to come and read what she posted...and to my surprise I saw MY name being used !!!

I don't know HOW I missed this awesome thread...but thank you so much for sharing it . What great PROGRESS your lovely wife has made !!! I can bet it gave YOU a lot of progress in your healing as well!!

I AGREE with BraveSirRobin and MrsWalloped that this would be an excellent post to add to the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned to the top of this Forum . All you have to do is copy your post and paste it into that thread .

Thank you BraveSirRobin for that emoji...that was a NICE touch !

THANK YOU !!!