SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife and I were high school sweethearts who married right after graduation and before my military enlistment. We've now been married over 24 years. Recent relevations have turn my world upside down.

Before I start, I want to explain that my wife suffered serious sexual abuse for 2 years as a child and suffers from severe borderline personality disorder which was only recently diagnosed. Had we known about her mental health issues, we could have avoided what happened because we would have known what red flags to look for. This does not excuse her actions, she is still responsible for her decisions.

Four years after we got married, she had an affair with my best friend from the military. It was hard to accept and took me years to get over it, but I forgave them both. He disappeared for a few years while her and I spent a lot of time talking things out. When he came back he was married and we had a lot of talks and things returned to normal. He was like my brother and I loved them both.

A few years later, my wife confessed that she had bisexuality tendencies but never explored them. It was an interesting conversation, but she never indicated it was anything more than a conversation. A year or so later, she went to a party with some coworkers and after some drinks, started messing around with her female coworker. She said it was awkward and uncomfortable and they didn't get very far. She confessed to me that same week, and while I was not happy, I dismissed it because I wasn't threatened by it.

Not long after this, she started hanging out with an old friend from high school that I wasn't comfortable with. Our kids would hang out and watch movies at his place and I went over there a few times when I wasn't working. Then she started hanging out there later and one day, she came home at 6:30 am and I was furious. She said I was overreacting and that they didn't do anything. She said they were just cuddling on the couch and watching a movie. I lost it and a few days later after I had time to calm down, I told her I didn't want her to see him again. She never went back but gave me a hard time about telling her who she could be friends with.

Three years later, we were having a conversation about her failed lesbian experiment when she confessed that she had sex with my best friends wife a few months earlier. I was upset and asked if my friend knew about it and she said no. While drinking, again, she said they were messing around and had sex. Again, I wasn't threatened by her messing around with another woman, and she said she was no longer having bisexuality tendencies. I was angry about doing it behind my back, not talking to me about her feelings and then waiting so long to tell me. This was in 2009.

From 2009 to 2014, we faced a ton of hardships. 2012 was our worst year. My biggest problem came from a mostly sexless marriage since our second daughter was born. By sexless, I'm referring to one to three times a month if anything at all. I was romantic to her, giving her roses, buying her chocolate, making her dinner, taking her out and watching TV together on the couch. We didn't have a lot of money, so we made do. She just never appeared interested.

I reinjured my back due to a military related injury that made it hard for me to do be as active as I'd like. I could lash out on days where my pain was the worst, and could be miserable to be around. I was never violent. But I did my best to make up for it on the good days. I'm still waiting even today, 14 years later, to get the corrective surgery I need from the VA. On top of that, I was working full time, was a full time student and trying to get my business off the ground. I had a full plate on top of my back injury, but I made it a point of making time for her.

She was suffering depression from the birth of our last daughter, and she would shut me out when I tried to talk to her. It started a lot of arguments and fights. She worked part time and was mostly responsible for caring for the house. Unfortunately, the house was always filthy and any conversation about it always result in an argument and her telling me that I needed to help more. So she started hanging out with some of the other soccer moms to vent her frustration and I let it go because I didn't want her to stay stressed out. I was already working over 60+ hour weeks, attending school for 33+ hours a week, and in daily pain. I didn't want her to feel like me and wanted her to just try to enjoy herself and have a good time.

From 2014 to Sept 2021, everything was fine. I graduated with my degree, my business was picking up. I was working less hours. We moved out of the city and into a rural community over an hour north. It was still a sexless marriage, but we were enjoying each other's company a lot better. My back still hurts and we occasionally have an argument, but nothing too serious. I was proud of our relationship, we were strong and all was good. We even just bought a house this year. That was up until September 7th.

I had always suspected she slept with her friend and she had always denied it and even gave me a hard time about accusing her. It was just a feeling and I never had proof, but I believed it was true. My wife went on a weekend trip with my daughters and I had to stay home to work. While they were gone, I had a serious nightmare about my suspicions and woke up in a sweat. The incident had occurred almost 15 years ago, but I still think of it occasionally, like a feeling of leaving your oven on after leaving your house. It just eats away at you.

When she came home, I asked her about it. I was surprised when she finally admitted it, but was more surprised when she admitted to several more affairs, including a man she fell in love with in 2012. I was devastated. Crushed.

She told me that she never messed around with her friend until after I accused her of sleeping with him. She said that she went to his place and they were drinking and he made a move and she didn't stop him. She said she hated it and it made her feel disgusted. But the next weekend, she went out with him and some of her friends and he started getting possessive of her. He friends saw it and she was embarrassed. On the way home, she told him she didn't belong to him and that she loved me. She planned to stop hanging out with him. When she got home, this was when I said she couldn't see him anymore, and even thought she made that decision on her own, she gave me an attitude about it.

The next affair she had was from Jan to Feb 2012. She had sex with my daughters soccer coach who I knew from the games. He became friends with the soccer moms and they would often hang out. One night, he calls her at work and the conversation turns to sex and they start going into the dirty details of their sexual fantasies. He invites her over after work and even though she knew why he wanted her to come over she went anyway. They started drinking and had sex. They got together two other times after that.

In April of 2012, she met a guy at work who started talking to her. They started dating for a few months and were having sex in his car because he currently live with his parents. They would have sex in random parking lots. I never met this guy, but he met my kids. She fell in love with him and when she found out he was moving to Texas to be with his kids, they discussed her going with him. She realized I would fight her for custody and decided she couldn't go with him. She said after he left, she never had another affair because it was heartbreaking.

This was all confessed on D-day. It was a lot to take in, but she promised there was nothing else. The next day, we continued talking and some thoughts started popping in my head. I was talking to my best friend about what my wife was telling me and he was consoling me. And then I realized that my wife slept with his wife and I didn't know what he knew. I was concerned about ruining his marriage, so I asked my wife about it. I asked if my friend knew about them and she didn't say anything. Warning bells went off in my head, so I asked if he was there. She didn't say anything. My blood started boiling and I asked if it was a threesome and she said yes. She confessed that he called her and said his wife wanted to have a threesome, but she only trusted my wife. Supposedly, my wife asked his wife if it was true and she said yes. They planned it out and met a few weekends later. The threesome started with my wife and my friend rubbing on his wife, but the only two people to have intercourse was my wife and my friend. He never had sex with his wife who the threesome was supposed to be for. I exploded.

We've been seeing a therapist for a few months. I'm hurting. I feel stupid, ashamed, enraged, disrespected. And I feel pathetic for even considering trying to work it out. She's been faithful for the last 9 years, so she says. But it doesn't change the facts of what happened. And yet I'm stuck between craving her touch and being disgusted by it. If it wasn't for the fact that her BPD was a large contributer to her decision making, I would have dropped her. But as I learn more about her disorder, I realize the feelings she was having in our relationship was strongly impacted by mental illness. She would see only the negatives in our relationships, but never remembered the positives. It was either all good or all bad. She would be all clingy and loving or hateful and nasty. There was no middle ground there.

There is a lot more to the story about D-day and her confessions, the turmoil and deceptions. But I'll save that for another post. For now, I just need some honest feedback. Thanks.

That is a terrible set of betrayals to endure. The decision to R or D is yours but the depth of betrayal is so great that absolutely no one would blame you for choosing D.

Is you wife getting consistent individual counseling? Do you think she has gone from serial cheater to safe spouse? Has she done the hard work to understand her failings and betrayals besides the mental illness?

Also, have you dumped your "friend" for good? I can tell you that I dumped mine for far less of a violation of trust than what you have suffered.

Sage wisdom from people less tired and more experienced will be coming soon.

[This message edited by Trdd at 5:48 AM, Tuesday, December 21st]

Many of us BS (betrayed spouse) are CSA (child abuse survivor) and were faithful, so that isn't any justification.

Sorry you're here. You might wish to check The Healing Library for information.

Woah that's pretty horrific what you've been through. The worst cheating stories I've read over the years on infidelity support boards are marriages where the cheating spouse has borderline personality disorder.

The best advice I can give you, is there are support forums on the net specifically for a spouse with a borderline personality disorder, and other posters in your shoes have found those resources useful.

Good luck mate.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

The depth of this betrayal would be too much for me to endure. I would definitely cut those friends out of my life.

As for the marriage, only you know what you are willing to live with, but my ex-wife was shown the door after far less.

Please see a lawyer and find out what your legal position would be should this come to divorce.

Her mental illness is a nagging concern. BPD is a bad one for repeat offense as far as infidelity is concerned and is particularly hard to manage. You are literally gambling that there would be more infidelity in your future should you remain married to her.

How much more pain are you willing to absorb?

You also need to realize that she has only admitted to the tip of the ice-berg. There is always so much more beneath what an adulteress is willing to confess. If the known is already so painful, think of the pain in the contents of what is still hidden.

Please take steps to protect yourself and your own sanity as this is already enough to push a man to the edge.

I would suggest using a VAR and going through any email accounts etc. that may be relevant in order to ascertain the true depths of her betrayal and the associated depravity in order to make a truly informed choice regarding your future and whether to include or exclude her from it.

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, why would you want to continue to be with a woman who has had multiple affairs?

She's a proven liar, I'd request a polygraph, there is always more than cheaters are willing to admit. She's a serial cheater, they rarely change. Is this how you want to live your life always having to watch and wonder what she is up to? Constantly being vigilant?

There's a saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.

Please continue individual counseling for yourself to figure out why you would tolerate so many betrayals.

I highly suggest meeting with several attorneys just to get your ducks in a row in case you decide you are not willing to live your life continually being abused...about a dozen affairs that you know of?

So sorry. You deserve better.

Wow. You have an incredible tolerance for abuse. Repeated cheating over the entire marriage and you are hanging in?

Hello BM:

I'm sorry to hear you are in this club that nobody wants to join. First, there are a few things you ought to focus on over the next several weeks. You can find a lot of info about this in The Healing Library (linked on this site). Stay away from alcohol and drugs. You'll probably have trouble sleeping. Try to exercise to exhaustion as much as you can. It helps with the sleep way better than drinking does. You may also lose your appetite. Try to remember to eat, and drink plenty of water. Take care of yourself physically.

Your WW has had a lot of sex, probably mostly unprotected (affair sex is almost always unprotected). No sexual contact with her until both of you have been to the doctor for STD testing.

You might also seriously consider DNA testing for your kids. I realize you love them and will always be their father, but for health care purposes they need to know their biological lineage. There could be inherited health conditions that they can stave off with good preventative care.

Psychologically, try to implement "The 180". This is not a punishment for your cheating wife. Rather, this is a tool to create psychological space, so you can try to quiet your mind and start finding your truth.

Here are a few thoughts to consider:

The childhood sexual abuse suffered by your WW, though terrible, is a Red Herring to this discussion. There are millions of married people who suffered CSA and who do not cheat on their spouse. Cheating is a choice that your WW made.

Your WW has been a chronic, serial cheater for most of your marriage. You describe a marriage that has been marked mainly by a frustratingly low level of sex for you. I hope you realize this is specifically because your WW was withholding sex from you, for the purpose of sharing sex with other people. She has accomplished this via a classic pattern of gaslighting, to the point where you repeatedly blame yourself for the sex that she has withheld from you. As you read up on gaslighting and figure this out, you should expect that your anger will come. This is normal. Please be ready for it. It's fair to show her your anger, and say whatever angry things you want to say, but do not become physically violent with her.

Finally, you close by saying she claims to have been "faithful for the past 9 years". Wow. Is that really the best she can say for herself - that for 9 of your 24 years of marriage, she has adhered to the bare minimum standard that she promised expressly to follow in her wedding vows. Please consider this: have the past 9 years been the most wonderful years you could imagine as a husband, with a loving wife who anticipates your needs and does nice things for you unasked, who initiates frequent, enthusiastic sex with you, who brags about you to her friends? I ask that because if she had an epiphany 9 years ago that led her to stop cheating and reinvest herself into the marriage, those past 9 years are the best you're ever going to have. Period. So please take an honest look at those 9 years and tell yourself if that's the gold standard you're willing to cherish for the rest of your life.

If my calculation of the timeline is right, you're not even 50 years old yet. You have a ton of life left. My suggestion is to move on. There are a lot of options out in the world for single middle aged men nowadays.

Leafields wrote child molestation does not make one a cheater. You wrote how awful it was. You cannot compare two victims. Your wife’s emotional maturity stopped the minute it happened. There might have been threats. It might have been painful. It might have been so confusing because she was shown "love" by the person who did it. Add in DNA and birth family issues and you have a damaged adult. She has a hole in her psyche that no amount of loving can fill. She uses sex to try to fill up that hole but she can’t and you certainly cannot. Personality Disorders are life long. With intense therapy and possible medication for anxiety she might feel some relief but how much change is she going to do. I suggest you get online and look at youtubes for info. Watch Dr. Ramani Durvasula. She describes PDs clearly enough for people to understand.

She loves you yet cheats b/c she views sex as something different (not love and romance).

Maybe that is her MO but that doesn’t mean you have to live like this.

She needs serious professional help. I hope she gets it.

So sorry for you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:57 PM, Tuesday, December 21st]

I was married to a bpd woman for 16 years. It was hell on earth, But at the time, I couldn't see it.
We also married young and I was her world at first. But that didn't last more than a few years.
Finally, after suffering her drunkeness. Her cheating (7 different men) her depression and all...I finally divorced. Was so difficult. For some reason I loved her after all, but it was the best for both of us.
Don't waste your life in a lost cause. RUN NOW!

I am so sorry you need to be here. While this happened a long time ago, it is brand new and fresh for you. She is a serial cheater and is only worried about herself at this time. While she says nothing has happened since then....what has she done for YOU since her 'last affair' to repair the marriage? What is she doing to help you heal? There is so much she needs to do to work on herself and help you to heal.

My recommendation-do not make any drastic changes right now. Take the amount of time that is right for you to make decisions. While she has told you nothing has happened in 9 years...she has slowly trickle truthed you for years...so she has no credibility in what she says.

I suggest you get individual counseling for you to help yourself and your family. She has made many bad decisions and has to deal with the outcome of her decisions. She needs individual counseling to figure out how to fix her and her relationship-if it can be fixed.

This is a great community. They helped me survive when I knew I was going to die of a broken heart. I existed for so long...but they kept me going. Take from this group what helps...leave what doesn't. Remember right now it is about you and your children.

Betrayed - I'm not sure how anyone can forgive all of that. Most of us that come on here are dealing with a single incident, maybe 2. Your WW was and still is a serial cheater. This must be one of the worst scenarios I've read in the past 4 yrs.

Your wife may never be safe, and BPD or not, its no excuse. I'd say this, if you choose to stay, you're going to be doing a lot of the heavy lifting and BPD is not going away. She basically cheats on you whenever she feels like it, and its been a lot.

You've been through a lot already. Why do you continue to take her back? Do you have some codependency of your own?

You obviously don't have much to work with considering all the damage and baggage that comes with maintaining this relationship. In this situation, there is just too much to overcome and continue. My advice is to work on the best possible exit strategy for yourself and focus on that goal.

Hi Betrayedmale,

You have received a lot of advise. Here’s some actionable things to do this week.

* See your doctor for full panel STD testing. No sex with her until she gets the same and shows you the results. Liars lie a lot, so don’t trust unless you see the results. ANd maybe things were sexless before, but often people start having sex after DDAY as a reaction to reclaim- not uncommon, totally normal. It’s not fun, but doctors have heard it before and it is imperative for your health.

* Take care your physical and mental health. Eat healthfully, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol, get enough sleep, get some exercise— even if it’s just going for long walks. All of these help you mentally and physically. If you are having issues sleeping or with anxiety, see your doctor. Stress and anxiety have a way of manifesting themselves physically, so take care of your back.

* Find someone to talk to IRL. Your pastor, your sibling, a close friend (not the one who participated in the As). Consider a therapist (IC - individual counseling). It really helps to have someone help you understand your thoughts, why you have stayed in an abusive marriage. (Serial cheating is pretty abusive to you). This will help you find your path forward. (Side note: Often on SI you will see the advise to get of "friends" who are not friends of the marriage. I think this is good advise- you need to be around people who support your M, not actively work against it.)

* See a lawyer. Understand your financial and child custody/support position if you D. You don’t have to decide to D— just get the knowledge. Knowledge is power and removes a huge amount of fear of the unknown. It helps you make the best decision for your and your children’s future.

Remember that her childhood issues may be very real. But it is her responsibility to manage them and get the healing she needs. Passing the abuse on to you is not okay. It is not okay to model this to your children as an acceptable way to behave in a marriage.
Is she in IC? What is she doing to become a safe partner? Remember that ACTIONS are what you should be watching— words are cheap and easy. You’ve heard her promise before, and we know how that worked out. She needs to be showing you that she is hell bent on fixing herself so she can be a safe partner. Watch her actions.

Hang in there- we’ve all be in your shoes and I promise you will get through this and you will be okay.

Why on earth you forgave your buddy for screwing around with your WW is beyond me. Why on earth you did not leave your WW after her 2012 affair where she planned on running off with another man is beyond me. Why on earth you have accepted a sexless marriage for years while your WW screws other men is beyond me. Why on earth are you still with her is beyond me.

You need therapy desperately in order to give you the strength to move on and away from your WW. That is the only advice that makes sense to me.

You sound like a hard-working, caring, responsible individual who deserves better yet for some reason continues to accept terrible behavior by friends and the WW.

She is a damaged individual. But that doesn't mean you must be her collateral damage. Seek help and do what is best for you and your children, not your WW.

As others have said your wife is a serial cheater -- and a deeply deceptive and abusive one at that.

You know now for a fact that your wife is a deeply disturbed and chronically unfaithful abuser.

You have been horribly abused throughout most of your marriage and it may be that you are trauma bonded to her in some way.

Serial cheaters are terrible prospects for stable relationships or successful reconciliation attempts. We read of very few happy endings with serial cheaters here. In fact I can't think of any.

You should give serious thought to taking IMMEDIATE actions now to get out of this marriage and as far away from her as you can, of course considering shared custody and so on.

A therapeutic separation of 30-90 days -- at the very least -- could give you so much needed perspective after having been gaslit and abused for so long.

We've been seeing a therapist for a few months. I'm hurting. I feel stupid, ashamed, enraged, disrespected. And I feel pathetic for even considering trying to work it out. She's been faithful for the last 9 years, so she says. But it doesn't change the facts of what happened. And yet I'm stuck between craving her touch and being disgusted by it. If it wasn't for the fact that her BPD was a large contributer to her decision making, I would have dropped her. But as I learn more about her disorder, I realize the feelings she was having in our relationship was strongly impacted by mental illness. She would see only the negatives in our relationships, but never remembered the positives. It was either all good or all bad. She would be all clingy and loving or hateful and nasty. There was no middle ground there.

I don't think it's wrong for you to choose to save yourself if that's what you want to do. We only get this one life and you aren't responsible for your WW's illness. BPD puts a different spin on infidelity though. It's not garden-variety cheating. BPDs often expect to get hurt, so they hurt you first. There's a push/pull dynamic where they push you away and then draw you back in.

It really depends on what you want at this point. Her condition will always need to be managed if you stay. But if she's on board for staying in therapy and working hard to stay healthy, I think your marriage can not only survive, but thrive. What would need to happen though is an "Us vs. BPD" dynamic, where you two are an absolute, educated team and managing her symptoms becomes a priority. It would require both of you to rebuild your trust in one another, and that's so hard to do when it's been broken this badly.

There's a good book on the subject of trust though, Making Love Last: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman. In it, the author talks about all the different ways we trust our partner. Even after answering in the affirmative such questions as "Has your spouse ever cheated?" and "Do you think your spouse might cheat?", my trust metric, after thirty years of marriage, was surprisingly high. I still trusted my fWH in so many other areas of our lives together; taking care of the children, running the finances, even caring for me if I was sick or injured. We had quite a bit left to build on... or rebuild on rather.

You are in control. It might not feel like it, but you've got choices. There's going to be grief about what's been lost, but that grief happens either way. The important part is thinking about your future and what's right for YOU at this point in your life.

I would read the book "Cheating in a Nutshell" - especially given the sociopathic tendencies on display here and the serial cheater you're dealing with.

How much is enough?

That would be too much for me. You decide for you.

But do ask yourself this question seriously. What would be enough for you to leave?