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I say might because I cant say she does.

My sister talked to the doctor a few days ago and said she was worried about her driving and the doc said yes, she should stop.

So my sister, instead of having a respectful conversation with her, rifled through her purse, took her keys and hid them. When my mom woke up to go get coffee and visit my dad at the cemetery early Sunday morning, she found them gone. She was crushed. My sister who took the keys had also told our middle sister who agreed. My mom was doubly crushed.

That was sunday. Monday i got in my car and drove 500 miles to her house and brought her to my house Tuesday. With a toddler. I told my sister who she lives with (sister has always lived at home. She has mental health issues… probably long term depression… and just never launched out of the house.)

Yesterday I got texts that said she needed to be back in a week to settle in for her doctors appointments. (I had been told be back by Sept. 16, now it was Sept 9.)

My mom told me with how they treated me, i might not be home until Christmas! Intexted my oldest sister that.

My middle sister texts me that i have kiddnapped mom, this is not what she wants, she made these appointments with our oldest sister. She called my a spoiled brat and said stop being a Disney dad and bring her home so she can go to the doctor.

My oldest sister who lives with her only leaves the house once a week to get groceries. She is obsessed with covid but is also very anti social. She will take our mother to get coffee through a drive thru and see the ducks at the park, but will not take her anywhere to go inside.

I have taken my mom, in the past two days, two breakfast at a restaurant, coffee at the coffee shop, the park where she slid down the slide with my toddler, we have driven my son to and from school, we have eaten good food that i made (my sister is a horrible eater and eats pre packaged meals, and thats what she buys. She will get apples and bananas and peanut butter and soups and bread… thats basically what my mom eats with her.

I dont want advice about this situation. It is too raw qnd i cant stabd to talk about it. What i am saying is that the universe hates me. I have tried so hard to have a family and It keeps sending crap sandwiches my way. Crazy neighbors who stress me out. (But who have backed off since i yelled at the husband early this year). Husband who is bipolar and not a partner at all. Inlaws that never were nice to me, and i told MIL off last month, and now they REALLY hate me. My husbands manic episode last year that ended in him resigning and being escorted from work. The stress of him starting a new business because of that. Lost friendships over that. Now this.

I feel like the world will never be a happy place for me. I try so hard and have no one. I have 3 wonderful children but no adults i can count on. No family to help me. 10 years ago, even 5, my sister and mom were huge helps. Now my sister hates me.

I literally feel like the universe hates me and is trying to be mean to me.

Oh! And i have diastasis recti from 3 big babies. So i am fat and look 6 months pregnant. And i am pre diabetic.

So yeah. I just dont know why my life sucks so much. It was not always this bad. 12 years ago, i had great neighbors, was sort of friends with the in Laws, and wh was not showing bipolar signs and he was helpful and a decent dad.

Im just so tired and weary from the constant gut punches life is throwing me. Can I ask everyone to throw out some prayers/ good vibes/ mojo to help me have some happiness in life? I need something good to happen. My mom is going to the doc on the 16th and he might pit her in a medical trial- if that helps, that would answer prayers.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 6:49 PM, Thursday, September 2nd]

Im sorry you are going through this. Sometimes "family" does more harm than good.

I think you're doing a wonderful thing for your mom. That shows how strong hou are. Taking care of the kids and then taking your mom out. You are so amazing Gotta!!!

Take your mom to urgent care and have her urine tested. Confusion or worsening of confusion is often associated with UTI in older females. They do not have symptoms like us. So don't go there. In addition ask the urgent care dr to do a "short blessed" assessment on her for memory issues.
Them get her back for her appointments and make sure you and sisters are present so you all get the same info at the same time. Also ask for a referral for a neurologist clinic to be fully evaluated.

Even if she has mild memory issues she probably need to start planning on who and how thos will be managed.

Lastly. Not to sound like a bitch bit you need to stop worrying about yourself and your situation. A lot of us have to deal with demented parents and it's just part of life. A lot of us have fucked up families and its just part of life. Some of us have health issues we have no control over. Some of us are fat still 25 years after having kids. It doesn't diminish us as people. Pull up your bog girl britches and take care of thos shit you have to. Believe me no one gives a damn about your diastis recti. It should be a badge of honor. But no one and I mean no one cares. The sooner you get back out in the real world you will understand this.

Believe me no one gives a damn about your diastis recti. It should be a badge of honor.

It is in no way shape or form a badge of honor. I feel deformed by it. I look 6 months pregnant. I am horribly embarrassed by it. People stare at it when they see me (its the, is she pregnant? Look). And in more practical terms, its messing with my back and I am in a lot of pain especially in the mornings from it along with years of weird posture and sitting due to hypermobility. I go to PT for it. There are times when, at 42, i walk hunched over like someone much older.

No. I dont feel like everyone deals with these issues in life. Especially all at once. I literally have no adult in my life that j can count on. If I got sick, i would have no one to take me to the hospital or home from surgery. The person who would have done that in the past is my mom or sister who doesnt like me now. I have tried so hard to create a family and have failed. I feel like i have been punched in the gut but its every second, not just a fleeting feeling.

Oh. And another way the universe hates me? 5 miscarriages. Im part of the wonderful 1% of women who deal with more than 2 miscarriages.

I very, very much believe that life will never get better and I will never be happy ever again. I have been depressed before, but i knew that it was situational and would get better. I see no getting better. I see trudging through life. The past two years have been one horrible thing after another, with very few happy times in between. I am broken. Life/ the universe/ whatever has fucking broken me. If everyone deals with this shit, then hats off to you all, because you are handling it way better than me.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 12:19 PM, Friday, September 3rd]

Have you tried getting help for yourself?

Counseling. Anti depressants if needed.

Support in real life is hard to manage.

Maybe friends can help. There might be professional agencies that could help.

Keep praying too.

My mom's script is just like yours. Worse, because she's in her late 70s, and had 50 years of untreated depression and likely untreated personality disorder.

Mom has no hobbies.

She has no friends.

She doesn't have access to my kids, her only grands. My mom does not understand that it's not appropriate to bring up several times a month (probably averages once a week) that she's so alone, that no one cares about her that she could commit suicide and no one would notice. My kids will not know how to handle grandma's routine and regular suicide threats.

Mom bemoans the fact that a normal household appliance breaks, and the universe is against her. A $15 toaster breaking should not be the trigger for her to contemplate suicide. Nor do I think that is solid evidence that God has it out for my mother. While my mother disagrees with me, toasters break without God's help.

Weeds grow in her yard because the universe is against her.

A light bulb burns out, the universe is against her.

My mom COULD have help. But every conversation she has with people starts with her saying what they do wrong and how they absolutely must be accommodating to her. My mother can't even be polite to poor people in check out lanes.

The only solace I have, is that I have now learned that her behavior is not only directed at me. I've actually listened to conversations she's had with other people.

So, my dad died recently. In a particularly bad fit of her saying the universe was out for her...she also told me that getting a daughter like me was one of the worst things that ever happened to her. Ranks right up there with losing dad..they had been married for almost 50 years.

(And Oh! there's another good one. The universe was against her because God took Dad before their 50th wedding anniversary. They NEVER had a good wedding anniversary. Except they had some nice ones. They vacationed on a couple, including one I was on. But, never mind that there were some good anniversaries. That's forgotten, because that doesn't fit mom's narrative that the universe is against her.)

I recently got a cancer diagnosis. My mother is HAPPY to use that to suit her narrative that the universe is against her. Or to get sympathy from others when she wants it. Yet, she can't be bothered to remember anything about my health. When I remind her about my treatment she will say "oh, I forgot." The better one is that she basically told me that I was going to die before she did. What PARENT tells their CHILD that the CHILD is going to go first, when the CHILD has cancer.

Even better, my mom has yet to apologize for withholding the fact that Dad had a genetic mutation from me. I should have had more testing earlier than what I did. It COULD have caught the cancer earlier. (As it turns out, I have the same mutation.) But, no. I was not privy to health information like because "the universe is against" my mom.

I'm not giving advice.

Just sharing my story...

[This message edited by secondtime at 4:00 AM, Saturday, September 4th]

I just stopped prozac last month and started Welbutrin last week. It has been a horrific week.

I hope you are able to also work with a therapist and find a therapy style that helps you get into a better place.

Cognitive-based therapy was critical for my emotional health. Talk therapy was useless.

So: more fun with my cancer. It's breast cancer. I'm undergoing a lumpectomy in a few weeks. My breast will forever be deformed. I will have physical scars. I married to a recovering sex addict, who has spent most of his life looking at and fantasizing about perfectly formed women. Even after 7 years of sobriety, I'm pretty sure he'll throw me under the bus when his addiction rears it's ugly head again.

I'm sorry you are having problems. I'm not sure who told you that life is supposed to be easy and good things are supposed to happen to us. Personally, I think it's largely it's a crock of shit.

I know it's hard to see now, that you do have choices. That you are not powerless.

People think I am "strong." I don't even know what the hell that means.

I've been on both sides. Thinking that life is done to me, that I have no choice, no power. That I am a victim and there's nothing to be done about it.

It just so happens that I like me better when I understand I have choice and agency...and that even the choice to do nothing is still a choice.

I'm not sure who told you that life is supposed to be easy and good things are supposed to happen to us. Personally, I think it's largely it's a crock of shit.

This made me laugh, thank you!

I am having a tough time with all the crap at once. It feels suffocating.

Wh, who is usually an asshole, is being very kind.

Im spending time with my mom. Going to coffee, to the park with my youngest. They slid down the slide together.

Its just been a really, really rough two years. Hit after hit. Im definitely staying with my Wh now, i can not do life without him. I have talked about going back to school for 16 years. (Since DD was born) and I think Im ready to explore that more seriously.

I have some great friends. 5 really life long women who i text every day. We get together when we can. Covid has been bad for my acquaintances. Ive lost all of those, because we dont do the in person things anymore. Plus the friends we lost when wh had a manic episode last year.

I dont know if it will get better. I cant see that yet. I am so so down in the hole.

My mother has dementia (there are many different kinds, and not all kinds are Alzheimers).

We were lucky--one of my sisters left Mom one evening around 11 and the other sister came to Mom's home at 8 the next morning. In that time period, my mother took a key to a car she no longer owned and tried to jam it in the ignition of the car she *did* own. You read stories about this, and it's very scary. We got someone to stay with her for a few days while we made arrangements for memory care.

Your sisters DID NOT handle this well AT ALL. But you know that. And while focusing on good experiences with your mother is important, her condition must be evaluated and treated. She may need memory care. Been there, done that and found an excellent facility where she is tended well. Mom's currently in hospice and she doesn't have much longer, but these last years have been good for her--she's close to where my sisters live and they visit at least weekly.

A large part of life is what WE make of it. We can choose to focus on the negatives (and most of us who are here have a LOT of negatives in life) or we can focus on our true blessings. Luck, as I like to say, is found at the intersection of Preparation and Opportunity. Try turning your personal narrative around and see if that helps. Defeatist self-talk is very damaging to us.

Cat

I'm sorry your sisters are mad at you, but seriously like my Gran always said they can get glad in the same pants they got mad in.
They did not do what was right or good for anybody. They owe you and her both apologies.
This needs to be dealt with by being completely up front and honest. Not pretending everything is status quo.

Pretending it isn't an issue helps no one at all.

Thanks all. I just spent a very nice two weeks with her, and when I returned to her house to bring her back for her doctors appointment this week, my older sister and I talked and are on good terms.

Sister number two, lives pretty far away, and is probably a functional alcoholic. She drinks a lot at night after work, and sodas her husband. For some reason she has been ripping me a new one for the past two weeks. I blocked her phone number so she couldn’t text me anymore. And her husband ended up calling me and my older sister and my mom all last night between 1030 and 12 AM. The husband, my brother-in-law, had colon cancer this year, and opted for surgery only, or but it was still tough. And his mother died of pancreatic cancer and the spring. So it has just been a shit year for everyone.

I have been on Wellbutrin for maybe two or three weeks now. And it feels like it is starting to help me out. The first week I was crying uncontrollably every day. Usually in the shower, but it was definitely every day I was crying. Now I’m a little more excepting of things, and thinking towards the future. But I’m still in a lot of denial I think. I am praying very hard that the doctor, who is very well known and researched circles, can have her in a trial, or have a new medicine that makes life and the quality of life better and more enjoyable for her

I was talking to my mom this morning before I left to drive back to my home seven hours away. We were having coffee, and were talking about when I was a little kid and I thought I better enjoy this time because One day I will wish I was back here at school being bored. And my mom asked, "well do you wish you were back there at that time when you were a little kid? "And I have to say no way! The crap that I’ve been through, I do not want to live it over again. LOL But just hit after hit after hit, I just really need a win this week at the doctors office. I really need some excellent news. So please keep me and my mom and your thoughts and prayers and hopefully we can get some therapies that help her and slow the progression of the disease.

keep me and my mom and your thoughts and prayers and hopefully we can get some therapies that help her and slow the progression of the disease.

I think you also need to be prepared that there are very few treatments for dementia, and everyone responds differently to the treatments available. Therapies did very little for my mother. Since she is at end of life, we have taken her off almost all her medications. While your mother is still cogent, I think you need to understand what her diagnosis and prognosis is and have a discussion with her, if she's able to do that. By the time we discovered my mother's mental state, you couldn't have a discussion with her. My parents did a fabulous job of tag-teaming so that everything appeared normal. It wasn't. My mother still had her social skills, so she could ask appropriate questions and follow most of a conversation, so it wasn't easy to see that she was truly failing. It took a medical emergency (my father's collapse) to reveal what was going on. I wouldn't wish what we went through on anyone, and that's why I'm recommending being prepared and understanding that she may need memory care. It's best to plan ahead if you can. It can move very, VERY quickly. We are less than 4 years out and here we are.

Cat

GottaGet -
I feel ya on the "all at once" crap (suspect most BS felt that way on dday- I had a ton of plates in the air before that little gem came down!)

I just got back from a trip to clean out my hoarder moms apt while she was in rehab after a fall - which meant my siblings and I got to learn about med conditions she’s been hiding from us, and there is the (we believe) new Dx of dementia (one dr said "advanced"). And she’s broke, so cannot afford assisted living, but is not so far gone to qualify for skilled nursing. She lives 1-2k miles away from all her kids (her choice). It’s a mess and my siblings & I got thru it, but there were some big fights along the way

I don’t think the universe is "against" anyone. I think sometimes all the major parts of our lives suck, all at once, and the most recent suck can throw us into a tailspin of hopelessness. Lord knows I’ve been there!

Breathe
Know your worth
Find & experience even the slightest joys
Know this suck is temporary
Try to avoid the negative thinking or saying (even to yourself) "always" or "never"

And FWIW, about three people recommended the same book since learning what’s up with my mom. I read it last week and found it helpful in how to think about end of life (as family or caregiver or patient) and balancing our time and it’s quality. The book is called "Being Mortal" by (hope I’m spelling it right) Gawunde

I got it from the library.
It’s not too long, but some of the stories can be sad / upsetting

I’m sending positive thoughts/prayers your way - hoping the suck passes quickly

Know this suck is temporary

As ive gotten older, ive seen this to be true. So many instances I have gotten through because i knew, it wouldnt last forever.

This feels different. My marriage is gone and my mom is ill. Nothing is good. I can not recover from this. That is a simple fact. Life is a series of shit that you have to "get through " until you die.

Know this suck is temporary

As ive gotten older, ive seen this to be true. So many instances I have gotten through because i knew, it wouldnt last forever.

This feels different. My marriage is gone and my mom is ill. Nothing is good. I can not recover from this. That is a simple fact. Life is a series of shit that you have to "get through " until you die.