SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Grrrr. Just fucking grrrrr....!!!!

Two weeks ago I was working all weekend (catering biz). Long hours Friday and Saturday with a few more Sunday afternoon. The week prior, my stbxww tells me she might have to go out of town Sunday morning. That was it. I never heard back from her. That Saturday night I get a call from my TEN YEAR OLD at 10pm. He tells me he's having trouble falling asleep. I immediately asked where is mom was and he tells me she's at home "cleaning." Yep. She left my 10yo son alone. I wasn't due to leave the event until at least midnight (finally left around 12:45am, getting home around 1:15am). I find out the next morning that she's already left town, meaning that I am now going to have to leave my 10yo son at home for seven hours or so. Tried to find somewhere for him to go with little luck.

(I told my therapist about this, which wasn't terribly smart of me, and he quickly informs me that he leaving a child that young all alone is against the law and that he has a legal obligation to inform child protective services. Thankfully, I convinced him this wasn't an on-going issue, wouldn't be an issues in the future, and he let it slide).

Our nights seemed to have changed after our original verbal agreement (we've yet to start mediation, which is something I'm going to start sooner rather than later to get all of this legally binding). Our original agreement was he would stay with me Sunday through Wednesday nights. Now that's changed to Tuesday through Thursday nights. So, I'll get him part of the day because of school and she gets him all weekend).

Yesterday, as the kid and I were on our way to the local amusement park, he informs me that his mother is going out to a concert that night and has hired a baby-sitter! I immediately called her to let her know exactly what I thought of that shit and that he would be spending the night with me.

Today, I go out to the mail box and when I returned she's standing in my apartment, all smiles and how's it going? I explained to her that I consider EVERY DAY to be MY day. That is, I'm his father 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. There's no "my day" or "your day." If she has something she's wants to do on one of "her nights" he's always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS welcome in my home. There's absolutely no reason at all to hire a baby-sitter. I'll take every possible moment I can get with him (which I why I stayed six years ago).

So, I'm a bit angry. I'm not in the mood to talk to her. Not at all. Not in the least. Although I really, really wanted to, I didn't ask her to leave and wait in her car for the kid. I can't talk to her about that with the boy around. I told her I was angry and didn't want to talk. She asked me why I'm angry.

Seriously?!

Why am I angry with her???

Grrr..!!!!

You’ve been heard, and your anger is justified. I agree that the sooner you can get legally binding agreement in place, the better.
Be sure you have a right of first refusal for any times she needs a sitter or other accommodations.

The lack of good sense and the extreme selfishness of your STBX is mind-blowing. (Also kinda pissed at your therapist for you - I get where he was coming from, but FFS. )

Hang in there. You’ll be free of her soon. (And if you think she’ll be this flaky, keep a detailed diary of her actions and try to communicate in a traceable way like email or text ).

I am so sorry, that sucks. Divorce sucks. You have every right to be angry. I agree with the above, make sure to have first right of refusal in the divorce decree.

Maybe you can talk to one of his friends parents about him sleeping over on the off days that both you and the ex are unavailable?

Or you guys could interview babysitters together and find someone to stay at the house while he has to be alone?

I babysat kids his age when I was a teenager and it was fun for the kids. 10 is too young to put himself to bed. Your ex sounds like an idiot.

Sorry she doesn’t get it. Not the brightest bulb is she?!

Hang in there.

"Right of first refusal in child custody situations commonly means that one parent must first offer the other parent the opportunity to look after their children before contacting a babysitter or another family member to care for the kids. It is a clause that is frequently included in child custody agreements to help parents navigate parenting time exchanges."

Document it all.

Sounds like she is the one becoming unhinged.

Sounds like she is the one becoming unhinged.

Yea, your angry because you love your son and his mom is incompetent and selfish. Been there. She's not gonna change, you'll be getting calls from you son with shit like this for the duration. Eventually you'll have him physically 24/7 as he gets older. I used my WW and MIL, who live together, as babysitting while I worked. MIL was competent and helpful, and WW, well, wasn't. It was really my MIL babysitting. WW was around for fluff I guess. She thought she was being a good parent, which was mindboggling, but anyway, I guess there is a benefit, my sons are high-schoolers now and know what the deal is with her, so there's no explaining or idealization of their mom. They get it. Picked it up all on their own.