SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

H is a serial EA cheater and a liar. After much thought and help from the folks on SI, I've come to the conclusion that I need to separate (D will come later).

I'm taking the following steps :

1. I'm out of a job at present. Using H's connections to get a job.

2. Planning to move to another city with the job and purchase an apartment for myself

3. Unfortunately most of my friends happen to be through H and I don't see myself continuing with them as a support system post separation. My own college and best friends are scattered over the globe, so support can only be through calls.

4. Can't tell my parents. They're very old and will be very upset and I'm not willing to put them through this. They'll just know that I need to move to another city for a job. I'll tell my sister who is anyway my major support system

5. Don't want to tell my daughter. She is on treatment for depression over the last 10 years and is also starting a new job. Don't want to upset her. She'll also just know that I need to move to another city for a job. I'll figure out later how/what to tell her

6. I'll still need contact with H because of daughter but I'll minimize contact to only that.

7. I've never lived alone but I'm sure I'll manage. Quite a few of my friends do that

Pls let me know if any of you see any red flags in any of the above.

Also, any tips on emotional detachment (marriage of 27 years) would be very helpful as this is the part that I'm struggling with

Thanks for the support

BS : Me Age 54

WH : Age 57

I forgot to mention that getting a job and moving to a new city and apartment would take at least 6 months, during which I'll need to stay in the same house as H due to financial reasons. Any tips to avoid back-sliding during this period would be welcome.

Be sure to talk to a lawyer so you know how to protect your finances. Does your state recognize legal separation?

I kept a list of the reasons I needed to D/s nearby to remind me when I felt my resolve waiver.

I was never big on separation, went straight to divorce - though I know some states appear to require it...

any tips on emotional detachment (marriage of 27 years) would be very helpful as this is the part that I'm struggling with

Know that this takes time and effort, and a lot of both. While it would be nice if we could turn off our feelings as easily as a faucet, that simply isn't the case.

Start by actually detaching from daily living - no cooking for him, no laundry for him, no errands for him, no groceries for him, no cleaning for him, etc. Do these things for yourself only. Hopefully you have separate sleeping arrangements. Only communicate about necessary stuff. In other words, start living separate lives even under the same roof (known as in-house separation).

By starting this now you are also learning to function alone, which will serve you well when you move out and fly solo.

Also, start gathering important documentation - retirement accounts, bank/investment accounts, mortgage documents, etc. These will be important for divorce. Store in a safe location outside the home.

Set up a checking/savings account in just your name. Move half marital money into it (discuss with attorney first before moving money).

Separate any credit or other joint accounts.

Secure pictures or other items important to you and store elsewhere.

Does your WH know your intentions? If he doesn't, do these things BEFORE telling him. Also, talk to an attorney to learn your legal rights in divorce (varies by state). If legal separation is an option, do it to protect yourself.

It is not uncommon for a WS to become acrimonious once they learn the BS is leaving the marriage. That is why it is important to get your ducks in a row first. Hopefully, he will remain amicable, but plan for worst case scenario.

Xhole and I were together for almost 30 years. Detaching is hard work, but the payoff of reaching indifference is well worth the effort. That being said, know that you might stumble here and there. We've all done that. When it happens, cut yourself some slack and get right back to your detachment routine.

FWIW, my father is elderly as well. I told him everything and he became one of my biggest supporters along with my brother. My friends are scattered across the country, but they still gave me tremendous support. Don't discount their support just because of distance.

Keep posting and we will walk this path with you.

Unfortunately most of my friends happen to be through H and I don't see myself continuing with them as a support system post separation. My own college and best friends are scattered over the globe, so support can only be through calls.

I was in the same situation as this.

I travel very frequently for my job so it’s not easy to make friends where we lived.

Most of my friends were through my then wife.

She had a core group of 4-5 female friends that I knew well and hung out with.

Those same 4-5 not only knew of her infidelity, they also supported, condoned, and helped her keep it a secret from me and our kids.

Why would they do that, one may ask?

Because they were all married and my XWW was helping them keep their affairs a secret from their husbands and children.

Yes, it was really fucked up and grotesque.

I told them all to fuck themselves and burned all bridges.

I would wager some fair money that your husbands ring of friends likely knew of what he was doing.

Don’t worry, you will make new friends in your new city and new job.

Get involved in different interests and hobbies.

It will come.

You will be fine.

Thank you all for your words of advice and encouragement.

I'm reading this and the 180 at least once a day to keep going.

I suppose the hardest part is accepting that your H/SO is not the person you believed him/her to be for so long

(My story on my profile)

I had spent the last 3 weeks at my parents' place (not for timeout for myself but mostly to help out with their doctors' visits, tests etc. as they're 80+ years old with serious illnesses and also because I've hardly spent time with them for the last 1.5 years because of the pandemic and I live barely 2 hours away by flight). While there, I communicated with H purely by text and only when absolutely necessary. He tried calling up everyday during the initial days (normally did not talk to me for more than 5 mins at a stretch even when we were ok --- we spend a fair bit of time apart--) but he sensed my unwillingness to chat and also resorted to texts.

Now I'm back and working hard at the 180. I think that's working just fine for him since it's better than me flaring up at him. Went to a friends' house with him yesterday as the couple is my friend as well and I'm tired of being by myself. Declined to go to another friend's birthday party today because that's his school friend and I no longer feel like keeping up with his friends. He didn't press me to go after my first refusal.

We are sleeping separately. I spend most of the day in my room (I have household help and I'm currently unemployed and a lot of my outside activities are still curtailed due to the pandemic --- so not much to do and I really don't feel upto picking up a hobby or reading or even watching TV/Netflix)

I need to interact with him on things related to daughter , household help, finances as I need his inputs on finances for some property that I'm buying. (For those who have asked if my finances have been separated --- my finances are in order)

I get the feeling that he's simply waiting for this to blow over and for me to come around again. Anytime I say even one kind/decent sentence to him, he tries to sneak in plans for our future (we were in the process of making arrangements to build a house).

We are super-civil to each other and he is trying to be nice to me in little things.

But of course I know that any discussion about his EA's would again be totally stonewalled by him. I don't think he even considers this a big deal since it wasn't a PA (I'm sure of that). And there's no way he'll get out of his comfort zone and talk about the stuff that I need to talk about (I've sent him numerous texts after D-Day , so he knows what are my issues/objections/pain points..

3 weeks back , shortly before I left for my parents' house, I caught him talking to a female ex-colleague. When his phone rang, he told me that his boss was calling and moved to another room to take the call. Since I was on a call myself, I didn't think it strange.

He says that she's just a friend. But my issue is that I had informed him earlier that I had objections to them exchanging texts. So why is he still continuing with talking to her ? He also kept lying for 2 days until I forced it out of him saying there were no incoming calls from his boss at that time (he had deleted the woman's call). H says that he lied about who the call was from because he knew I would get angry. In his mind this female is 'just a friend' and I'm the irrational wife.This , of course, is unacceptable to me because I feel that this trivializes all that I'm going through and I simply can't take any more lying. This woman is different from the women he was texting earlier which triggered this whole thing initially.

BTW, does a message from the woman with a pic of her dog labelled 'centre of my universe' constitute something fishy or is this acceptable communication between members of the opposite sex ? I actually do believe that there's nothing on with this woman but his insensitivity & the lying and pinning it on me is what I find really disrespectful.

Anyway, I'm just interviewing to get a job and plan to move to another city ASAP. I had got an offer but am waiting for a better one to come through (with H's help -- after all why not ?). I plan on separating . Not thinking of D as yet as that's quite a social taboo in my part of the world.

I'm not sure why I'm writing this long post. Just that I'm so miserable and need to vent.

BTW , does anyone else find themselves obsessively reading through posts on SI ? (Maybe trying to find some hope ?)

In the last fight that we had , 3 weeks back, when I asked him to meet me half-way (he simply stonewalls me and simply will not show any vulnerability), he said that he'll go to MC with me. I told him that getting an MC was his responsibility. I had no intentions of going for MC as it is strongly discouraged here and I can understand why. I just wanted to see if he would follow through and right enough , he hasn't.

H is diabetic with hypertension, heart issues etc. etc. Earlier I would ensure that he has his meds (he has crazy work schedules and tends to forget) , nag him about his smoking, watch his diet. Now I've given all that up and I feel guilty sometimes because I think I'm kind of hurrying up his demise

Weirdly enough, I feel disloyal to him posting to this site. Have I gone completely mad ?

I think you’ve tried to be a good partner in a one sided marriage. It takes time to change. Has your H noticed your 180 ?

I'm sure that he can make out that I'm not really participating in anything other than purely mandatory stuff

I feel guilty sometimes because I think I'm kind of hurrying up his demise.

Weirdly enough, I feel disloyal to him posting to this site. Have I gone completely mad?

No. You’ve been dedicated to your husband’s wants & needs for 1/2 your life, that doesn’t immediately stop over nite.

Congratulations on making moves. 6 mo is good to get a plan together. Start a hypothetical budget, estimating what your salary will be, looking at neighborhoods and prices of apartments, utilities, groceries, travel (car or public transportation) etc. Open up an account at a bank widespread in that city & start secreting money.

Begin reconnecting with your friends. Maybe visit them, I don’t know your financial situation but if able, start traveling alone. You’ll have a good time & kickoff adjusting to doing things solo.

And the 180. Good luck, keep posting.

I feel the same way sometimes. Guilty for posting here. But don’t feel that way. We need this outlet to get things off our chest and to get good advice from people that have been through what we’re going through and to know we are sadly not alone. I’m in the same boat you are now. H has had numerous EA’s throughout our 22 year marriage and I’m done. I just can’t take anymore of his lies. Good for you for taking steps to free yourself from your H. Take care

@Althaeia , we were supposed to go to another city to start the construction on our ‘dream’ house. I’m now planning on going for a solo vacation instead while he does that

@StayingHopefull, yes it’s the lies that really kill me. And his belief that because it wasn’t a PA , it doesn’t really count that much.

H is going through a very bad phase mentally (awake till 3 am) because he’s unable to settle into his new job and feels that he made a mistake in switching. I didn’t see any such emotional turmoil when it came to the state of his marriage. I’m almost having to sit on my hands to not book him in for counselling for his work anxiety (I make all doctors’ appointments) and trying not to feel too guilty about it. I can’t afford to have him lose his job at present --- so just texting him saying 'see a psych'

My advice would be to be very clear on the legal and financial implications of your plans.

In most states and countries marriage creates a financial unity. For example: if you were to buy a home in the new city then legally it might half be marital property. This might not apply and there are probably ways to circumvent this, but be very clear BEFORE you do anything what this means.

Another factor is that debt incurred in marriage is generally marital debt. Once again – check the laws in your woods, but theoretically your WH could go max credit-cards to buy golf-clubs and sign a car-lease and half the debt end on your dish. Or the value be deducted from marital assets.

I also think your insistence on secrecy isn’t realistic.

Think stakeholders won’t suspect something when you move to a new city and new home? I would work on a plan so you can be transparent to your parents and your daughter.

Make financial independence your #1 priority.

Make sure you take time for and take care of yourself.

Self Care is NOT selfish.

@Bigger, yes I realize that trying to keep the separation a secret might be difficult to manage, though moving to a different city, on the pretext of a much higher paying job, would be accepted. But I do need to let people know as the secrecy would add just another layer of complication that I can do without.

I do have financial independence. It's the emotional attachment I'm struggling with.

I'm doing a fine job of the 180 , the only problem being H is also reciprocating in kind. I'm at my parents' and since I haven't contacted H in 2 days, he has also decided to leave me alone, which , if I'm being absolutely honest, really upsets me.

I'm finding this emotional detachment thing so difficult. I've written down all the reasons why I need to leave & review them periodically. But I'm still so down and on the verge of tears all the time. Hopefully, once I start working again , I'll be too busy and this will get easier.