SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH and I are in the grueling process of R; however, I want to create a safety net for myself. I'm determined to never feel so vulnerable and insignificant ever again. I've got a few more years till I finish my RN degree, assuming I make it into a program, but what else can I do? Anyone else have a plan B? What's on your list?

My plan B is that I am emotionally secure and safe if the current situation doesn't satisfy those standards. Quite frankly if I had to work at McDonald's and live in my mom's basement I could do that and be happy as long as I am emotionally secure and safe while still having quality time with my wonderful kiddos. Plans tend to have the end of happiness as the goal and mine doesn't require a lot of money if I am frank about it.

On the other hand social media promotes an unrealistic and idealized lifestyle of wealth. My recommendation is for everyone to seek a plan B/source of happiness that is not a moving target.

I am a SAHW...so it was bothering me that I didn't have money of my own or a newer vehicle. I set out to take care of that .

I opened a checking account in my name only with money in there for several months rent and utilities. I bought a newer vehicle. I opened a credit card in my name only.

Once I had everything in place in case I needed to LEAVE...I could then focus on what it would take for me to STAY . I was able to stay because I WANTED to...not because I NEEDED to.

Thank you for your responses! I wish I had found SI sooner.

@notmyfirstrodeo I hear you and agree, though I'll add that emotional security is a tall order without financial security. Initially, with his encouragement, I took our three kids with me across state lines to live with my parents and go back to school full time and door dash. It was brutal but I had to start prioritizing myself.

@Want2behappyagain ugh, exactly. I was a SAHM. I'm starting my weekend job later this month and want to set aside money, but I know he'll take it as me having one foot out the door.

I have a post nup he willingly signed b/c without it I was not going to consider R.

I have my own accounts with my own $ he has no access to.

My vehicle in my name.

Mortgage is in his name alone — but I am on the deed.

Very well protected - taking no chances.

No custody issues to face - kids are young adults and he can certainly take full custody if he wants. It would not matter where the kids lived - we have a good relationship so it’s not an issue.

I was a SAHM. I'm starting my weekend job later this month and want to set aside money, but I know he'll take it as me having one foot out the door.

His insecurity is not YOUR responsibility. He's the one who created this mess and he doesn't get to project his anxiety regarding the consequences onto you. The FACT is that he proved himself to be untrustworthy, and it's going to take many years of him earning your trust back, day by day. In the interim, he's NOT the victim here. You are. And if you need a separate bank account, a nursing degree, and a post-nup in order to continue putting yourself out there for him, he needs to man up and deal. Remember that it's not really R if you're afraid to speak your mind. Conflict is only a bad thing when it's not constructive.

@the1stwife Thank you for sharing your list. I'm glad you're well protected. I'm not looking forward to making my own, but the piece of mind will be worth it.

@ChamomileTea Ohh, excellent point. Here I was worried about not seeming committed to R.

I semi detached myself from the marriage. I created a couple of hobbies just for me, made it a point to reconnect with a couple of military pals... It's realizing that a betrayer isn't going to be your best friend anymore. Thru R a friend, yes, but not as close as before. I also started thinking of just what I would do and how it would look. Don't obsess but be mentally prepared. It made my exiting easier.

I'm determined to never feel so vulnerable and insignificant ever again.

Then realise that it is only yourself, that can make you feel vulnerable or insignificant. To realise that you do not need validation/affirmation from people who are out to hurt/destroy you.

ChamomileTea said what I was going to say...only much better .

My H had the same sentiment...that he was worried I was getting ready to leave him. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't at that point...but HE was the one who stepped out of OUR M and I needed protection just in case. He has actually stated over the years that when we set aside money in our savings...for me to put some in my checking account as well.

He knows I'm not going anywhere...but he is aware that I could at any point...just like I know he could too. Neither of us take THAT part for granted anymore . We COULD leave...but we CHOOSE not to...and that makes us KNOW we are choosing to be TOGETHER .

PS - based on your other post / thread - protect yourself and your kids at all times.

Not in case he cheats again. But what if your H becomes injured and is out of work for a year - will you survive financially?

What if he gets an illness and cannot work - how will you manage? How will you manage the medical bills and loss of income?

The biggest cause of financial problems in life are due to people suddenly becoming unable to work due to a medical issue. Being prepared can be helpful to you and your family.

Please have a plan for your future.

I have one and it lets me sleep at night.

My plan B isn't easy. It requires me to get a 2nd job, go to the bank and refinance everything we've almost paid off for another 30 year note so I could handle the payments again. But ya know - knowing it an option [albeit a hard one] let's me sleep at night.

WH in my case is self employed. It sucks. He currently had a back injury and has been out of work for weeks. It sucks. We've depleted our savings and it sucks. But ya know - I have what I call "run money". Money I got when investments made for me by my parents unbeknownst to me matured. A year or so ago. So - in an account in my name only with my kids as beneficiaries - I have a little bit. I can borrow from it if need be. I can sleep well knowing it there. I can use it as leverage if I have to go to my bank and say "I have to start over with all this [insert pile of bills, etc. here] but have this [insert dollar amount here] to start over with. And I am sure they will come up with something.

Knowing all of this - knowing I am strong enough to do this allows me to have one less thing plaguing my dreams at night.

Get that safety net for yourself. Even if it just starts with an affirmation of your strength and an old fashion spare change jar.

I agree with the financial safety net. I have a large emergency find of my own money just in case.

I've also picked a new city to move to just in case - not sure this is really necessary but mentally it helps me.

Financial independence; expanding my business, money management/investments; especially with regards to retirement in next 10 years.

Re-investment in personal pursuits; personal goals, hobbies, etc.,

Expanding support network; personal and professional (IC).

Always have a have Plan B and C.

Plan B, being short/midterm plans and accessible liquid (cash, easily convertible) assets covering expenses, legal fees, relocation etc so you are not "trapped". These ideally would be not visible.

Plan C, long term plans and life without the other partner's participation. Education (in your case RN program) would provide a good start.