SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

School ended and I took my kids to visit my parents so my WH could get all his stuff out. Coming home to a half-empty closet, an empty dresser, a messy/dirty house, and strange things taken (like one of our wedding pictures and a "bedroom game") it hit me much harder than I thought it would. After two physical affairs (that I am aware of) and numerous emotional affairs, I know I deserve better. I know I need to show my kids that this is not how we treat people.

Here's my question...

How did you tell people? I am talking my college girlfriends that (pre-covid) I would take summer trips with, but I haven't seen in a while. Or my friends from my old neighborhood that I moved 6 hours away from for WH's job. Or my Aunts/Uncles/Cousins. Did you tell your boss? Coworkers? Any advice or anecdotal stories about what worked for you is appreciated.

As far as friends and family, tell them or don't tell them. It is up to you. Give as much or as little detail as you feel comfortable with. There is no right answer. Just be aware that if there is any way you would consider reconciliation in the future, telling loved ones could make things more difficult in that regard. Everyone will have an opinion and you may or may not want to hear them.

As far as work, I told my coworkers nothing. I did tell my supervisor that I was having serious marital issues, but gave no detail. I wanted to tell him because I was taking an unusual amount of sick time, and just in case my head didn't seem in the game while I was at work. To my knowledge, the latter never became an issue for me. I happened to work in a job where family truly does come first, so my superiors were understanding. I was always a solid worker and never took sick time, so I had that going for me.

However you handle this is up to you. Just be aware that once it is out there, you can't take it back. So be really sure that you want people to know...forever... Before saying anything.

For my close friends, I'm telling them the truth. For others, I use a phrase my aunt used, "We are divorced. He preferred his women in quantity rather than quality."

I told my boss and immediate team members early on, just so they'd know that I was going to have good days and bad days.

For family, word usually gets out. For those you don't see often, you might have to catch them up when you see them.

Among your friends and acquaintances, only tell people that you see regularly, have imminent plans to see, or who you would like to hear from if they reach out to you. Your third cousin that you only see at weddings and funerals and people you only keep in touch with over Facebook don't need you to tell them, unless they reach out to you personally and want to catch up.

You should tell your boss that you're getting divorced because there might be logistical reasons he or she should be aware of, such as if you need time off to clean out your house and go to court, or if a work-related meeting conflicts with a call you have scheduled with your attorney. It's also good for your boss to know if you seem "off" at work. You don't need to share all the details of why you're getting divorced with your boss; the level of information you want to provide depends entirely on how close you are personally.

I just told my boss, "I wanted to let you know that [Ex] and I are getting divorced. I will be updating my address with HR and will need 3 days next week to move and recuperate. I will need to coverage on the days I have to go to court and I may not be able to attend a meeting that conflicts with scheduled calls with my attorney." That's all you need to tell your boss.

As for your co-workers its none of their business unless they ask you how your ex-douche canoe is doing or why he isn't present at a social event that includes families.

Don't tell the gory details of your husband's infidelity to anyone in whom you haven't already confided. Some people will be kind, supportive, and discrete with the information, but others (even people you least expect) can be really callous. Quite a few people who I told about my husband's affairs-- even people who were cheated on themselves!-- downplayed what he did or gave me shit for leaving, as if he gave me much of a choice. You don't need to hear any of that bullshit.

Lastly, avoid telling anyone who gossips. If they talk about other people to you, then they're going to talk about you with other people. The betrayal you experienced is not salacious amusement for other people over cocktails.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:22 AM, June 17th (Thursday)]

Thank you for sharing. I do not plan on sharing the details of my WH's affair(s) with anyone who does not already know. Double edged sword because I feel like I'm protecting his image, but really I am looking out for me and the kids. I do need to tell people we are getting a divorce though because he is like the mayor and everyone LOVES him. I told one boss today - sans details - in case I seem off at work. I haven't told any of the others yet (multiple jobs.) I appreciate what each of you has said. Much to think about.

I agree with everyone else, but in my case I took control of the narrative. Without spilling all the beans and airing all the dirty laundry, I just said “I didn’t like his girlfriend, or her husband and kids.” And left it at that. I only told people I was close to and who asked - word will get around on its own. But I was not going to protect his reputation nor take out a billboard to advertise his cheating. Just the truth.

I told everyone. Not great details in some cases, but I told everyone that we divorced because my wasband thought having sex with teenagers was okay and I vehemently disagreed.

I told because I wanted to control the narrative for people that are still in my life and didn't want people making up some story about it.

Tell who you want, what you want. It's your story to share if you want to.

If someone asks you the reason for the divorce. Tell them the reason, don't protect his image. He destroyed it the moment he cheated on you! If you try to protect him, it seems like you're condoning to his cheating which also seems like you're okay with it.
Just my 2 cents...

I agree with bebe. I told everyone. The ow and him didnt like that I exposed them and turned around and said it was harassment but its not. its freedom of speech even if its on social media. One message explaining or verbally said to others, telling the truth is indeed your right. No way would I ever hide it. because then they get away with it. they think you dont care.

My exH had 7 affairs, that I know of, and I exposed to as many as I could and to those OW, that he was married w kids. I ended up divorcing him 2 yrs later but those young girls left him after I messaged them or spoke w them in person. I was in R with him but enough was enough. Really glad to be done with him.

Point being, why hide or lie for them. you should have no shame. they chose this. some will try to make you feel like its your fault but KNOW IT IS NOT. and you will then know who your true family and friends are too if they enable them.