SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New Relationship affected by past trauma (F36)

Like many on this sub, the past trauma of my spouses infidelity was severe. When I found out about the ongoing affair with a coworker five years ago I immediately fell into a black hole of depression and anxiety. I could barely eat, work, talk, or function. On top of it, I had a baby to take care of. I don’t wish that pain on anybody.

Cut to five years later, I’m divorced with a new career and an amazing child. Nothing is perfect but therapy and anti-depressants helped prop me up to a functioning and mostly happy person! I am now managing my feelings with therapy check ins, exercise, and strong personal relationships.

Dating has been...interesting. One long-ish term partner (3 year) and a string of “almost” partners that never panned out. Enter a new person in my life a few months ago. He (43) is sweet, smart, financially responsible, honest and seems to value friends/family. This is the first guy I could clearly see a long term future with.

Last week he informed me that a female friend that he’s been close with for many years is staying at his house for the weekend from a neighboring state. They usually visit each other once a year and have been friends for 10 + years. This has been planned long before we started dating (activities planned, plane tickets, etc) She visits him and other friends in his city. He said they are strictly platonic. When he told me about this plan, I said “fun!” And honestly didn’t think much of it. I’m busy with work this weekend and couldn’t meet up anyways. Now that it’s actually happening my anxiety has skyrocketed and every intrusive thought in the history of man has crossed my mind. I know by posting here I might get biased opinions about this situation but ultimately know I need to bring it up to him. My mind and heart are not syncing up on an appropriate way to address this. New relationships are fragile and I don’t want to nuke a potentially good one because of my insecurities. How or do I even bring this up? Should I give myself time to process and then see how I feel a couple days from now? My brain feels permanently damaged by the lies of my past WS. The “just friends” line was a common gaslighting tactic by my ex husband m.

I think we all need to be cautious about not painting someone new with our exes paint brushes yet being honest.

I dated my never married HS BF after D. It took me a while to figure out that his “old friends” were mostly exes, FWBs, hookups, etc. He never cheated, just seemed to like to keep them as acquaintances. A lot had moved on, some still single themselves. I HATED IT. And it caused strive. Mainly because I had to figure out the true nature of their former relationship on my own. He rarely (ever?) offered up the information.

While this is not an ex situation... I 1000% believe that men and women can have platonic friends. I have a few.

Was there an offer to introduce you? Or did he already know you had committed work obligations? Or maybe she is too busy. Have you met any other friends?

What does he know about your ex and the just friends? Does he understand what a trigger is? Has he ever been cheated on?

Sorry for all the questions but just trying to get an understanding of what all you have discussed in your new relationship with him.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 5:00 PM, June 5th (Saturday)]

I think the only time I would worry is if he didn't want you two to meet. This happened to me once. A guy I was dating invited a 'friend' from out of state to stay at his house for the weekend. I asked if we were all going to hang out and he became as nervous as a whore in church. He told me no that's probably not a good idea. Woke up in the middle of the night with a loud voice in the back of my head saying "What the hell girl! He has a one bedroom apartment and you aren't allowed to meet her!" I quickly realize d that I needed to end it then. How ever your friend did tell you ahead of time. It sounds like you will be busy with work . Maybe ask him if all of you could go out for a drink or dinner and chat or up. Gauge his reaction to the suggestion.

Repeat

[This message edited by Bonetired at 5:24 AM, June 10th (Thursday)]

I do believe men and women can be friends, but it takes someone with very firm boundaries.

You're newly in to dating this person. And dating is all about finding out about them and learning about them incrementally.

I would see this as an opportunity to learn more about how he views opposite-sex friendships. Certainly he is honest with you in that he informed you of this situation and explained that it was planned before you met. Let's see if that honesty carries over.

I think many people make one of two mistakes in new relationships: not learning about the person incrementally (i.e. taking it slowly), and tarring the new relationship with the old relationship brush (i.e. bringing your old baggage into a new relationship).

I would watch carefully how he talks about the weekend, what he tells you and ask questions about the relationship (not as judge and jury, but as a way to get to know how he feels about it and where his boundaries might be).

Give the man an opportunity to show you who he is. If it's not what you want, you're early in and can walk away. That is the whole premise of dating.

Cat

Like everyone else, I think it's a "watch his actions" sort of situation.

I believe that having friends of the opposite sex is wonderful. I have many male friends. I'm actually turned off by a man that has zero female friends (I wonder what they are hiding or if they don't trust themselves with their own boundaries).

My boyfriend has many female friends, but he's transparent about it and always invites me along. I do the same for him. We both feel valued and neither of us has to wonder what the other is up to. It's refreshing.

Watch and see how he acts. This will tell you what you need to know.

New relationships are fragile and I don’t want to nuke a potentially good one because of my insecurities. How or do I even bring this up?

I, for one, think you should bring it up. If it bothers you and if you feel that he’s crossing a boundary, I believe you should tell him so. Not in a accusatory, passive-aggressive tone. More in a ‘seeking reassurance’ kind of way. His reaction will be telling.

I know you want to preserve and nurture this new relationship, but pretending not to be bothered by things that are, in fact, a big deal to you, really isn’t a good start, and will lead to resentment down the line.

Honesty always pays off in the long run. There are no nasty surprises and you don’t need to pretend to be someone you are not. Besides it’s a great filter for the truly good guys. The ones who accept you and your history and everything that comes with it. Even the insecurities.

[This message edited by Karmafan at 3:19 AM, June 11th (Friday)]

You might feel better about this after you meet her and get a vibe. Honestly, I think it's healthy he has friendships with the opposite sex that are platonic. I also think it's okay to express your anxiety to him and say you are working on managing it.