SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi I am a male in my 30s and this is the experience I’m going through. It’s going to be long and detailed but I have nobody I can trust or talk to ya bout it. I appreciate everyone’s time, advice and comments.

This happened in the winter late last year(2020). I’ve been with my spouse for 12 years at that point and we were set to get married this year. Our entire relationship she had be nothing but loving and faithful. We weren’t very active sexually(like I’m talking 15-20 times a year at most) but we are parents so we didn’t get a lot of alone time. I want to mention this because I feel it’s important too, she is highly depressed and grew up with 1 parent due to the other passing away early in her life. She’s been on meds for it since before we met. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned that. Also I want to say that she came to me when her ex got abusive and controlling and wanted out of the relationship because she had feelings for me(he and I were friends and they had a child together). There was no positive ending to that story because their relationship was so toxic so I told him myself and he left.

12 years go by and like I said no sign of unfaithfulness and she had never had eyes for anybody but me. I had a best friend I had known for a few years and we had helped him with a room twice. She was friends with him as well cause if me of coarse and we always shared our friends with no issues or worries. My so called “best friend” and I hung out almost everyday, I put money I. His pocket multiple times, started his career(to keep my identity hidden I won’t mention what) and always found him work(we ended up working together a lot always because of me finding work).

Anyways we’re considering moving and he was going to rent a room once we move and stay long term. I will also mention her too that she hadn’t been taking her meds fir like a week and we were in a rut mentally because of Covid(our relationship seemed completely fine, she even ordered us ring sizers for our rings earlier that week) and she hadn’t eaten anything all day. That night the 3 of us are hanging out like usual drinking(she still hadn’t eaten)and I was a bit down(one of my parents death anniversary was approaching and I was really down that week because it was with the last few years and still pretty fresh). So we were having a good time and I say I’m going to make some food so I left the room to make some food for all of us. When I came back up I could see my friends feet walking back to his side of the room(he sat 10 feet apart from where we sit). At first I thought nothing of it but was still kinda suspicious in the back of my head. We ate and had a normal ending to our night and I completely forget about him walking away from our spot. Fast forward 5 days and I invite him over again For dinner and drinks, he offered to by the beer and he’d be right over. Also we usually talk at least every other day and I hadn’t talked or heard from him since the last night he was over, not even a msg on FB and we would msg everyday. I was in a rut mourning my parents death fir it was still a frew years fresh and didn’t really take note of him not being in touch. So he comes over all happy and in a good mood. My fiancé decided to have a fresh shower before he got here. We all start talking and anytime I go to say something or talk it gets overridden but what they are saying it talking about. It happens like 5 times and I know we’re already a few beers in but it seemed odd. THEN I notice the looks in both their faces as they are talking. Way more intense than normal.

Now given how I originally got together with her I was like no way. But we have no issues, she’s never cheated, he’s my best man in my wedding, my kid calls him uncle, I started his career, fed him, housed him, going to be housing him again, I called him brother, this wasn’t happening. I didn’t react, if I say anything there’s no proof it’s just my speculation and they could deny it.

Side track again lol sorry but also we always agreed that cheating is a game ender, personally I believe it’s the biggest form of disrespect fir a spouse, if you’re gonna be unfaithful then just break up with me instead. That was always our agreement. Back to us sitting together and then smiling, I had an idea 💡. I told them I’m going down to make dinner(meat pasta) and if be back in a bit and went to do so. Instead what I did is I went down turned on the water, made some noise with pots and pans and then as fast as I could I ran up the steps to our room...... they were in a full out lip lock. It absolutely crushed my heart and soul.

Now here’s how I reacted. If I was in my 20s still I would have almost killed em and I’d love to say that’s what happened. BUT I yelled “WTF!!! My fiancé and my best man!!! REALLY???!!! My fiancé was in instead shock and regret, she put her hands to head and elbows to her knees. Him he was in total awe. Deer in headlights and I would have the right and definitely the ability to beat him to a pulp. But I didn’t, if I DID it would definitely trigger my fiancé’s PTSD(she was physically abused as a child), my son was home and I just had so much emotional pain with that and the death of a parent. I would have lost control if I did hit him and ended up in jail and probably losing my fiancé fir sure. I won’t go into full detail of our conversation but I explained everything in my heart and to her too. She wouldn’t even look at me though, the Shane was killing her. After I talked to him I turned to her and said “Do you still love me?”. It broke my heart but she was hesitant for about 2 seconds but each millisecond felt like an hour. Yes she said and looked at me with tears in her eyes. I said so it was just a fling....?(to both of them), he said yes and so did she. He even asked me to punch him and said no I don’t trust what I would do. I told him he’s fired, and asked it they were sexual AT ALL. They both answers quick both saying no. Only a kissing. I asked for how long, he said they been msging like this for the past 5 days. I asked her if she has the msgs on FB still and she said no she deleted them. Long story short I sent him home, she blocked and him and cut ties. I msged him later and demanded him send me the FB msgs if there was any chance at all to salvage any of our friendship. He was very reluctant and said bro you’ll never talk to me again(and he was right) if I send this. I said then that’ll show your honesty, send me them alll, no edits. He sure did omg....

He was always chasing girls on dating sites and the first msg is him saying he needs to find a freaky girl on this one dating site and she says no you need a girl like me! Boom! He said her a msg saying he’d take her in a date, she admits she had feelings fir him for years but never acted on it(and she never has before this). In the texts they both say at one point that they need to behave and not to this to me. But than the next time they msg its them missing each other and he sends a kinky sex meme to her. Says he can have her and do anything he wants. Then sends him a nude pic..... 💔. The naked pic was sent and took a few hours before(before her shower she had). My mind was blown.... 🤯 he even said to me bro you don’t want to see the texts. That was soooo out of character for her and we had been sexual 2 or 3 times that week(we’d been more sexually during covid lol).

So she shouldn’t have acted on feelings when you’re in a happy relationship and about to get married. That’s F’ing heartless. He shouldn’t have given I. Either though. They were both wrong and I donno if it’s her being off her meds and drinking with an empty stomach mixed with the feeling of being trapped with covid restrictions. The rest of the night she was so ashamed and did apologize but there’s no words that could fix it. She proceeded to disconnect the battery from her phone and gave it to me so she didn’t use it(by her own choice). She kept it off for 5 days and we both tried to slowly heal. I definitely feel like he groomed her a bit by some of the other msgs but she definitely started it beteeen then by admiring a crush for him.

My world it’s messed up now because of this. I had been cheated on multiple times in the past. She sat there for 5 days and said she loved me every night, had sex and seemed like nothing out of the ordinary was wrong. If she did this once she could just do it again. Also going from how I met her to her almost leaving me for him it seemed but didn’t. I just can’t handle going through this twice. It’s been 6 months since it’s happened, I’m still triggered almost every other day. I can’t bring it up to her when my emotions are bothering me because it triggers her then starts a fight(hasn’t yet but know it will). I feel so insecure now and whenever she’s in her phone my anxiety sky rockets. I still love her but haven’t been able to talk to anybody about it because I don’t trust anybody. I couldn’t trust him and he was like a brother. Also talking to ppl with both know about it isn’t healthy if we’re trying to heal.

Any advice. I’m so up and down every other day and it’s not healthy. She has no make friends and I don’t even want any because if I couldn’t trust her with him than I feel like I couldn’t trust her with anybody..... but I still trust her.... it’s such a weird feeling and I hate it. The pain is unbearable. I’ll be fine 1 mine then I’ll look into her eyes and all I see is love but then turns to betrayal. How can I trust her like I once did. I trust her but not like I did before. My brain plays tricks on me daily and I always feel like she could be up to something when she’s not. I’m so insecure, paranoid and anxious now. I used to be full of confidence, strength and positivity.

Any advice, tips or relatable experiences?

[This message edited by WhatDidIDo222 at 9:59 AM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

I know you are in a very emotional state, but please edit your post into paragraphs so we can read it and help you out.

1. Stop tip-toeing around your fiancee. She's a cheater and she deserves your wrath. And not a garden variety cheater at that, she's a cheater extraordinaire - it takes one to cheat with their BS's close friend or family member. Screw her PTSD and don't shy away from conflict - your relationship may be toast, but at least you will save some of your self-esteem by standing up for yourself.

2. Chuck your "best friend" to the bin - looks like he's been your "friend" for practical reasons (financial help, accommodation and job opportunities).

3. Seek individual therapy for the KISA syndrome you likely suffer from.

He’s done I parted ways with him that night. As far as my spouse goes I’d feel different about it if she had done it before, this kiss didn’t bother me as much as the texts I read. She’s never been like that and knows she fucked up. We’re looking at getting past this. If she and him were sexual it’s an automatic deal breaker. I’m only defending her to a certain point because of her mental state at the time. I appreciate your advice though.

[This message edited by WhatDidIDo222 at 11:01 AM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

So sorry but you saying you trust is simply lying to yourself. The pain is the broken trust and betrayal. Do you know the whole truth? Will you ever? The fact that you rarely had sex prior and then had frequent sex along with her outright advances to him tells you there is much more wrong with your relationship than just this. Hard to say but the BOTH may had seen you as the honest loyal guy and NEITHER wanted to hurt you but did so right under your nose. Many here admit that they tried to reconcile but realized after the fact that it would have been far better to simply end it right away. The question is what will you do?

this kiss didn’t bother me as much as the texts I read

I feel so insecure now and whenever she’s in her phone my anxiety sky rockets.

Imagine yourself in a few months or years. Do you think your anxiety will subside or go away, are you prepared to face your insecurities each time she gets texted and e.g. smiles at her phone? Will you believe it was "just a friend" or colleague sending her a meme or a funny pic? etc. I've been through that hell and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

If she and him were sexual

They were sexual - a kiss is a very intimate physical contact and a turning point, it establishes a physical bond and further sexual activities beyond that are a matter of time.

WDID you posted

Also I want to say that she came to me when her ex got abusive and controlling and wanted out of the relationship because she had feelings for me(he and I were friends and they had a child together)

I won't speculate about her previous relationship, but her getting together with you and her having feelings for you, etc... Was this an emotional affair?

If so, then what she did with your friend last year wouldn't be the first time she has had fuzzy boundaries...

..demand she take a lie detector test and the question 'Did she have sexual contact in any form, ie oral sex'.. will be the first question!

Cheaters lie, period!

Sorry you're here.

I share your 'best friend' horror show. ( in my profile)

smy

If she expects you to believe that it was just a kiss then she should have no problem taking a polygraph to prove it. Make sure to ask if there have been any others over the course of your relationship. If she was willing to cheat on her ex with you, she's willing to cheat on you. Remember - she came on to him first. She initiated the change in their friendship. That's bold for someone who has supposedly been faithful for the last 12 years.

At minimum, the wedding needs to be called off until you figure out if she is being truthful now or not.

Also I want to say that she came to me when her ex got abusive and controlling

Do you have any objective proof of his abusiveness and controlling behaviour other than her word? If so, do you know the context in which they manifested themselves? If not, you will never shake off that feeling of uncertainty about the stuff she may have told your now ex-friend about you.

wanted out of the relationship because she had feelings for me

That's a rather typical "damsel-in-distress" trick which may have activated your Knight-In-Shining-Armour tendencies.

ETA: She appears to be a "serial monogamist", with fuzzy boundaries and one or several "orbiters" in the wings to take your place in case "it doesn't work out with you".
Cue: sooner or later it won't - after some time everyone loses the freshness and shine of the new thing, the butterflies in the stomach disappear and it's time to get new butterflies from someone else.

(he and I were friends and they had a child together)

Am I the only one who's beginning to see a pattern here?

[This message edited by Sceadugenga at 5:47 PM, Thursday, June 3rd]

I’m only defending her to a certain point because of her mental state at the time

.

I mean this as gently as possible but you are making a lot of excuses for her in your post and blaming it all on him, when the truth appears to be that she seems to have started this affair. For the 5 days you know about, she wasn't drinking etc the whole time so she was her normal self when sending at least some of those messages, and coerced damsels in distress don't send nudes.

I would also gently add that you cannot know for sure she has not done this before with others, it may be that you simply don't know about them.

I agree with not tiptoeing around this, her mental health is not more important than YOUR mental health. You cannot recover from infidelity alone and by never speaking of it to her.

The truth is at present neither of these people had boundaries enough to put your life or your welfare before their own wants. I think you need to think of your needs, the worst thing you can do is pretend to yourself that you are ok because you can't change how you feel and the loss of trust and confidence in your partner is often irretrievable.

You must be honest with yourself and her about your struggles.

She is being defensive and doing nothing to make you feel like she is a safe partner. She is expecting you to "eat the shit sandwich" as we say around here.

Don't do it. If there is anything you need from her to feel safe, tell her. If she says it's controlling, tell her she is free to go. She made this shitty situation and she is the one that needs to lead the efforts to fix it.

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald should be the guidebook she uses.

I agree with the previous poster. Your question reads like... I got rid of my best friend why arn't I over this?

Lot's of reasons. You are still living with the main cheater. Yes he is partly to blame but this is the woman you were planning to marry. Your making all sort of excuses to try to maintain your image of her. Your walking on eggshells because you don't want to "hurt" her, you blinding yourself to her lies because you want to trust her.

It doesn't work that way. She needs to earn your trust back. You need to be able to talk about this with her and she can't claim to be just to ashamed. She started it. She sent him a nude... that has nothing to do with her meds or her empty tummy. He didn't force that. You need to talk to her about why she did it in order to know if she is going to do it again.

Your additude seems to be... we will just sweep this under the rug and not have male friends. Sorry but that's not going to work.

They had sex. They are adults, had desire, opportunity, and no morality...sex.

On a side note- This is going to offend people but it is true: Don't date or marry someone with mental health issues. Seriously...there are millions of people you could date. Find one that isn't taking any mental health meds, isn't mentally ill, and doesn't have a "trauma history" that will later be used to justify nonsense like this.

Be practical about it...if you were buying a car, would you buy one with major problems that required constant fixing and was likely to break down when you needed it most? no...you wouldn't.

Hey pal, sorry for the mess you're in.

If you want to reconcile, I suggest she gets individual counselling to understand why she would do this - have an affair with your best friend. Further on that front, besides giving you her her phone, has she done anything else to make this better? There's a lot to fix, she should be busting her ass to fix it.

To hell with her PTSD, that's very abusive behaviour on her part towards you. Look I'm sorry to put it this way, but it sounds like there's something very wrong with her. Making a life with her, at least as she is now, might be a bad bet man. You really sure this is the woman you want to grow old with?

That's a lot to put behind you - seeing your fiance making out with your best friend. To live a good life with this woman, somehow you're going to need to. You don't make peace with this, that's a lot of anger to carry around inside of you - for the rest of your life if you stay with her.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 2:46 PM, June 3rd (Thursday)]

You told her and talked about cheating as a deal breaker, if you don't hold your ground, she will lose respect for you, and know that you're not going to hold her feet to the fire. She may just end up doing it again, b/c guess what, she's done it before and you were okay with it.

I can’t bring it up to her when my emotions are bothering me because it triggers her...

That's a defensive manipulation on her part, and it sounds like it is working.

She's a cheater. Her job is to stand in the storm that she created and help you work through it. Instead she's using the "best defense is a good offense" approach, like this is a game to be played out.

It is only going to get worse, my friend. She has revealed herself.

Is your son the child tha she had with her abusive ex-boyfriend?

I always advise in cases of infidelity that the WS take a polygraph test. You must know what you are dealing with in order to make an informed decision on whether to stay or go. Ask her if they had sexual relations of any sort and has she engaged in such activities with other men since the two of you became a couple. Also, ask her if she has had any contact with him since the night of your discovery. Good luck with what you decide, but I wouldn't marry this woman.

Unfortunately you are now living in toxic soup. Your friend is a leech. Your girlfriend is messed up. What is your history? Stop trying to rescue everyone. This is a 2 by 4. Get out. Get yourself healthy emotionally and look, realistically, at what you have lived with, and allowed, all these years.

You deserve much better than this.