I'm finally doing better. I'm coming to the place of acceptance now. It's a scary and unfamiliar place. It's a sad place where I mourn what could have been. It's a happy place where I look forward to what can be.
It took me five years to come to this place and ask for a dissolution. I now accept that I can't change her. I now accept that she has not offered (with actions) to change herself. And I accept that her current behavior is not acceptable to me.
I had to cross through denial and bargaining to get here. Sometimes I wasn't sure where I was or which I was in... It was very confusing here.
I got very close to the land of anger. Sometimes it's rolling lava bursts lit up the sky in deep red. And I felt the resentment building inside me... Physically felt tension inside my chest and limbs as anger built.
Most of the time, though, I walked through a deep dark trench of depression. I was tempted to curl up and die here. And sometimes I stopped moving. Sometimes I gave up only to change my mind and keep moving.
Around the place of acceptance is a mountain of pain. Every rock is sharp, painful, unforgiving. It's desolate and empty. I looked for months for a way around it, support group, friends, posts on reddit and SI. But in the end I had to walk it alone and there is no avoiding it.
I'm not completely through that, not by a long stretch. But somewhere along the way I crossed the boundary into the place of acceptance. Every step still hurts, but I'm on the far side now I believe. I see small signs of life, things that used to make me happy, they're in color now.
And I wanted to tell you that you can get there too. Nobody can walk it for you, there are no shortcuts. And it will take as long as it takes (despite what anyone tells you) But the journey is finite and you are strong.
You will make it.
[This message edited by dogcopter at 8:49 AM, April 22nd (Thursday)]