SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Generally speaking, we've been getting along (AKA successfully rug-sweeping) for a while, since his last stupidity leak in December 2019. (Oh wait, there was another smaller one in mid 2020...)

Anyhoo.

I've mostly stopped playing cop on him, and I think he's been mostly good. My spidey senses haven't been going off, at least. That's all part of my detaching. Oh yeah, and I have my own mantra now... NAMMMMMM, like OMMMM, but stands for Not Another Moment, meaning when I start spiraling and thinking about what a POS I married, I just think NAMMMMM, Not Another Moment will I waste thinking about him and his lacking. He's been playing a TON of disc golf lately, which I used to play with him before kids and had planned to once the kids got old enough to be left alone all day, but decided fuck it, he has never embraced things I love, so I'll return the non favor and let him do his thing on his own. I prefer the quiet and stress-free solitude around the house anyway. So Saturday, he gets early up for his tournament, we get a little frisky, but not much because he doesn't want to lose his mojo. Whatever. He plays, he and his doubles partner get their butts kicked, he comes home (already a bit buzzed) then we proceed to actually have a really great evening together. Totally flirting around, getting frisky everywhere (even in public). Then as we're both heading back to our bathroom (it was Saturday, we were going to the bubbler!) I playfully said "Hey, you sure you don't want to throw me on this freshly-laundered bed" (I had done a bunch of chores during the day while he was playing) "and fuck me?"

He looked at me and said "You're just too easy. That's not sexy. I need a little bit of the chase."

Considering he had told me not 8 days prior that he "really needed me to jump his bones more" this did not go over well.

WTF?? Seriously, wtf is wrong with him??

His response the next day when, surprise surprise, I was still really pissed about it was that:

a) he was joking (every ahole man's excuse for being a fuckface)

b) he felt "pressured" into having sex (??)

c) was drunk and says stupid shit all the time and I should know not to believe what he says.

d) I misinterpret what he says.

Not sure how these things can all be true at the same time.

Part of my deep anger about this is that I also happen to be an extremely expressive person - I make funny faces, on purpose or accident, ALL THE TIME. One of my previous exes told me I reminded him of Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes.) My WS has told me on multiple occasions that my funny faces weren't sexy, or I shouldn't make "that" face because it's a turn-off. Well fuckrag, good thing I have more talents than being your 30-second (if I'm lucky) cum-dumpster 4-5 mornings a week!! Being sexy 24/7 isn't my fucking job!

After ruminating on it for a day and a half, I can't help wondering if he full-on panicked because he had fucked someone else that day. We have had sex before other tournaments and he wasn't worried about his mojo (he's really not that good, he has very little DG mojo to risk FFS). What if he had some one else's gunk on his junk and he freaked out thinking I'd smell/taste it on him?

Honestly, I don't see anything about your situation that can be described as happily detached. You're still caught up in A drama albeit lessened. You still seek a connection from your WH that he won't give you. What exactly do you get out of this marriage? Why is he worth the drama, pain, and disrespect? Why will he be worth a new DDay?

"Hey, you sure you don't want to throw me on this freshly-laundered bed and fuck me?"

The only correct response to this question is to throw you on the freshly-laundered bed and fuck you. Twice if necessary.

I don’t know if your husband is cheating again. I do know he’s a fucking idiot.

... maybe he had bad gas or something.

I used to stumble all over excuses for getting out of surprise sex I wasn't ready for.

Eventually, I learned the art of "I'm sorry, I'm really not feeling well right now" which was code for "see the magazine under my arm?

I'm on my way to poop.". The code left the door open to come back when I was "feeling better"

..

who turns down.."freshly laundered sheets" even if you're only going to sleep on them??

I'd be all over that offer even on the old sheets.

Yes, your H is an idiot..

Hope you don't mind if I try the " fresh sheets " line on my wife. You just never know eh??

smy

Oh no. All of that sounds . . . non-ideal. I'm sorry. Do you think the "gunk on the junk" is a real possibility? Because

It sounds like he's also just lazy or bad at sex, he's damn lucky you're offering.

Well fuckrag, good thing I have more talents than being your 30-second (if I'm lucky) cum-dumpster 4-5 mornings a week!! Being sexy 24/7 isn't my fucking job!

Seriously, what are you getting out of this marriage?? Nothing you describe sounds particularly healthy to me

Are you doing IC? I think what happened the other day suggests post traumatic stress and it might really help to talk to someone.

I have to agree with nekonamida, I don't read much that describes "happily detached".

"...exhibiting an aloof objectivity usually free from prejudice or self-interest a detached person shows little emotional connection or interest..."

Words, which ones we choose, how we use them and how we contort their meaning to comply with how we wish we were vs how we are is what we humans do. But it it still important to regularly consider how authentic and honest we are with ourselves relative to the ways and words we use to describe ourstate of mind and our action.

You don't have to be detached if you don't want to or are not ready for that level of disconnect. But I do think there is value in accepting that you may think how you are behaving and thinking is the state of being detached.....detachment means aloof objectivity and a disconnect from feeling emotionally reactive to the object you are detached from.

You are very attached and reactive to how he treats you and responds to you. You have to decide what you will not accept and what you grudgingly will accept. Or, detach, if you can.

(((Trapped))))

I'm glad you see this for what it is, and that is abusive bullshit.

Now to really withdraw, how are you going about that? Waht are you doing to separate your emotions from his bullshit? Do you think it may be time to either see an attorney, and get out, or figure out how to move forward in a healthy way?