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I have trouble letting go of the past. Mistakes I made. Destructive relationships. I have told myself that (especially as a FWS) trying to reconcile my past is ridiculous. I am not talking about breaking NC with OM. There were plenty of other destructive relationships I in.

Almost 30 years ago, I put myself in a situation where I was nearly raped by a friend of two guys I was occasionally “hooking up” with. Yeah, you read that right. Two guys (roommates) had an occasional thing with me. For a time it was exciting and great. But then came the night I came over and I was locked in a bathroom with one of my “friends” who presumed I would have sex with some random other friend of theirs. Fortunately, the one “friend” realized he had made a mistake and unlocked the door. My other “friend” was not as understanding and angry. I ran out of their house, humiliated and half dressed and with a soaking wet t shirt (all I remember is the shower was on and I grabbed that shirt) and hopped on my bicycle and escaped.

I’ve never really shared this story. Bits and pieces with BH. It feels good to get it out.

I am more fortunate than many women (and men) who have suffered sexual assault.

I’m angry with myself for behaving like such a fool when I was younger. I was the free spirit - a woman who felt like she was in control of her sexuality. But was I really?

Logically, I know it wasn’t my fault. But I am annoyed with myself that I to this day fail to demonize the men who tried to take advantage of me and treated me like a piece of ass. I was obsessed at the time, then frightened, and now just...confused.

(((MP)))

I’ve never been sexually assaulted in any way so I don’t have advice for you there, but I have been that “free spirit”.

I don’t think I was ever in control of my sexuality because I had unhealthy views of what sexuality was, equating sex with self worth. If someone desired me, I had value.

I am glad that you were able to get out of a harmful situation. This may be something to work through in IC.

I wish I could help you more friend.

I’m right there with both of you.

I haven’t shared this with anyone but my AA sponsor. I had a “relationship” with a guy when I was about 18. As an adult I now understand that he had a live in GF. But damn, I was naive and stupid. He demonstrated how wonderful I was by taking me out to the woods and letting me blow him.

And I did that. More than once. And thought it meant I was worthwhile.

Now I know better. And I have learned to forgive that young woman who was just doing the best she knew how to do. Now I know better.

Mrs. Panda, I’m so glad to see you here again. Forgive that young woman you were. You. Are. Worth. It.

no woman deserved what happened to you.

though looking back you choose to be free with the wrong

kind of men. they did not respect women and used your

modern free spirit women philosophy to exploit you.

everything in life that is given away to easily, at low to no

cost is rarely valued or appreciated.

I have been here in so long I forgot how to quote stuff. Ok let me try. Hi WOES

If someone desired me, I had value.

Well, isn’t that just the damn truth. And isn’t that just so intellectually ridiculous. Why was my self-worth determined by if some random dude thinks I am worth a roll in the sheets.

I have always been a fierce advocate for women and yet somehow permitted myself to be degraded. I may be rewriting history...it was a long time ago. And at the time I was mostly very happy with my adventures. Maybe it hurt my feelings a bit that I was seen as “easy” but I didn’t really give a fuck at the time and anyone who judged me could fuck right off.

There were no consequences back then. If I messed up with one partner, I was on to the next.

I think it is now, seeing how I set the stage for my betrayals later on in life, that I wish I had had more insight into my behavior. It took betraying someone that I genuinely cared for and the threat of losing him to see that.

I appreciate the suggestion for IC. Honestly I have tried 2 x and both failures. One guy had no clue and justified everything I said without challenging me. The other charged me $300 and hour and spent the last 15 minutes ton breathing and meditation. I broke up with her over a voicemail. I believe I told her I can meditate on my own for less money LOL. I am not always tactful.

I think that’s why I am back here. I have some unresolved issues I guess and want to keep moving forward.

I’m so glad to see you here again. Forgive that young woman you were. You. Are. Worth. It

Aww. Thanks HFSSC

I definitely get that intellectually. I have reconciled “bad” me with the mostly good me in the mirror. Not sure why I have been digging into the past recently.

When I was younger I had a sick “relationship” that was entirely, at the end, coercive and threatened sex. It’s a long story but there are some people in my life to whom I’ve told the entire story who equate it to rape, and I just can’t see that as accurate. It was abusive for sure, and bordering on sexual assault, but I’ve always blamed myself because I never outright said “No.” At least, not until I finally did, and the whole thing ended. (Thank God.)

I was young and stupid to have allowed it to go on for as long as I did. In many ways it ruined my life (in what ways is another long story).

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:30 PM, December 6th (Sunday)]