SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. Two months back I found out my wife is having an affair with a work colleague half her age. I had noticed a few things over the previous month that concerned me and finally followed her the one night. I was hoping it was all in my mind but there they were, I know the guy/kid he swears nothing had happened but I just didn’t know. My wife initially said it was their first meeting but when I told her of the other time I was aware of she then said that it’s been twice. I was devastated, I love my wife but Couldn’t get this image of them out of my head. We talked and although my first thoughts were for her to leave we decided to work this out and stay together. My wife said that she was feeling ignored and that this guy was showing her interest, she said that she was flattered as she’s in her 50’s and he was half her age. She told me she didn’t find him very attractive but he was nice to her, she says that she doesn’t even really known why it happened and that it won’t again. They work together (with others) and they are working today as I write this. She’s told me not to worry and that she realises now the pain she’s caused me and the kids. She’s told me to trust her Before the second date she went to her “friends” for the evening I asked her twice if there was something we needed to talk about and on all times she talked me round, she even FaceTimed me from her friends house, I found this odd but then I found out she left soon after. So many lies. I feel sick with worry. My wife’s keeps telling me nothing had happened, they had only kissed once and that they just talked. Because nothing has happened she feels that it’s not a problem, I don’t understand why she is say this. In my mind something eventually would have happened, if not already. The pain is the betrayal, she tells me it would never had gone anywhere, but then why bother? Why meet more then once? To make matters worse only last year this guy who’s only just older then my daughter, asked my daughter out, she declined and now he’s moved to my wife. After agreeing to make a go if things we had six weeks of intense evenings, things were great then suddenly it all started to cool. Knowing that my wife had said it all came about because of lack of interest I was desperate to keep it going, iI kept asking her and she kept saying it was nothing just she was tired and so on, then things would be good for a day or two and then it would stop, this kept repeating for a week or two. Eventually I confronted her, we were just sitting in silence for most evenings with my wife would be transfixed on whatever was on the tv. If I asked for a hug or mentioned sex I was told she needed to relax and get in the mood, then she’d fall asleep. It was then that she said everything was getting to her and she felt confused after which she said that she still had feelings for this kid but didn’t know what they were. She asked for time to think so the next day I agreed and went to work. That evening I asked her what was going to happen, she told me that she wasn’t sure what to do as she barely knew this guy and had no guarantees it would work out my, she then said she needed more time to get to know him. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and told her that she couldn’t just weigh up which option was better like me and the kids were commodities but she just kept saying she was unsure. We argued and she walked out I told her that if she went to him not to return.

She went straight to his Ouse and stayed the night. I was devastated but had my answer. The following day she arrived back home saying it had been an awful mistake. I asked if they had sex she said no, after a while she told me that they had slept together but because he didn’t climax it didn’t count. I still can’t get her to see how ridiculous that is. I’ve since found out they don’t use contraception, now I’m scared she may well be pregnant, she is still at our home saying she wants to stay with me but I’m noticing that most evenings she’s just getting drunk early and falling asleep. I feel so depressed, my younger daughter is happy her mums back but the others aren’t so pleased. Is he’s sill working with this guy and refuses to quit, we do need the money but I’d rather have my wife. She’s told me that it’s finished between them and that he’s agreed to call it a day. It’ all seems to quick and easy. Now whilst she sleeps soundly I’m awake worrying. All we seem todo is exist but I’m sure if she was with she’d be a lot livelier, I can’t get this test done till 3 weeks time but now she complaining that her breasts feel swollen, I’m in the verge if losing my mind, I can’t stop worrying and fear the evening as I can’t sleep or I have nightmares. My life has completely fallen apart it’s unrecognisable, if she’s carrying his child I just don’t know what I’ll do.

Your wife is having an affair, plain and simple. No matter how much she tries to dress it up, it's still an affair.

It's not about YOU or the marriage, it's about how this person makes her feel ABOUT HERSELF. Plain and simple, he's the mirror that shows her the reflection she wants to be. It's all limerance and fantasy and hits on the validation pipe. It's not real. There are no bills or leaking toilets in fantasy land--it's all unicorns that go around shitting Skittles and farting Chanel #5 perfume.

So nothing you can or could or will do is going to be effective as long as she is still in fantasy-land.

She's going to have to make a decision: she wants the marriage and is willing to do the hard work to make it better (and believe me, it is HARD work), or she leaves. Do or not do--there is no try.

She will need to find another job--there is no way she should be working with this scumbag at all. And for him to come on to both your daughter and your wife . . . EEEEWWWWWW! He's a creep.

As for you, you need to draw a very hard line in the sand. She must:

--Find another position ASAP

--Enroll in weekly (or more) IC with a good therapist well-versed in infidelity

--Write a "no-contact" letter to Creepyson indicating that she will have no further contact with him, and that any contact he initiates might be subject to harassment laws and/or (but not limited to) a restraining order

--Be willing to give you access to all "tools of the affair," including her phone, social media accounts, messaging accounts, etc. If there are any tools that were specifically downloaded for the affair, they must be deleted and this individual must be blocked on all possible avenues of contact

--You must enact a consequence for any of these not being met, particularly if he or she breaks no contact. If he breaks no contact, she must tell you immediately and you must write a cease and desist letter. If SHE breaks no contact or responds to his contact without your knowledge, there must be a consequence.

I recommend the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. VERY good on this topic.

Now as for you, I would recommend:

--Get into your own IC with a good infidelity specialist. It shouldn't be the one she is using.

--See an attorney and know what the divorce landscape looks like. You don't have to file, but knowledge is power

--Take care of yourself emotionally and physically. Avoid drinking to excess, drugs, etc.

--Out Creepyson to his girlfriend (if he has one) and his family. Affairs thrive in darkness like cockroaches.

This is the best place you never wanted to find. We all know what it's like and can help

Cat

PS: Paragraph breaks are your friend.

Man, she is lying to your face. That is just truth. The affair us ongoing right now. Working with the affair partner is unacceptable. She needs to find a new job now. Do not believe her. She is lying.

You’re right. It can’t get any worse.

She left your house and spent the night with him. Now she claims it’s over. Is it over b/c HE dumped her? Is she drinking and numbing the pain of losing the OM/BF more than the pain she caused to her family?

And this guy asked out your daughter and your daughter declined and now he’s out with your wife??? Seriously 😳 that is pretty bad.

At least protect yourself and read up on the 180 in the Healing Library (upper left here at SI). This should be your first step.

I’m sorry for you and your family.

MattW

You know she is lying, rigth!!

They were sleeping toguther, and having sex Contact, more than she told you (sorry but adultos not meet to fu... And just kiss).

She went to this Guy and afther fu..ING her brains out, she told him that she was leaving you for him. This guy told her that he didnt want to be more that FWB and of course didnt like the drama. So she went back to her Plan B: you!

Now she is trying to get this Guy to have a relation with her (thats why she is still talking to him) , trading sex (BJ, Hj, etc) for a chance.

So

1 confront his Guy, and expose to this Guy GF .

2 Nuk your marriage, nothing is more efective to make a cheater realize what they are riking than facing reality.

3 do not offer her R if she doesnt ask for It.

4 Really important, enforce what you said!! Why? Becasue otherwise she Will assumed, rigthfully, that she can do what ever she wants as she wont favor any consequence ever. ever

Hello MattW. Welcome to SI, the greatest club that no on ever wanted to join.

Please take some time and read the two threads pinned to the top of the Just Found Out forum:

"The Tactical Primer," and

"Newbies... Important Information - Please Read"

When you're ready, check out The Healing Library (see yellow shaded-area at the top-left of the page). Inside the "Articles" tab, you'll find a wealth of great essays, written by SI members, to help you get started on your journey towards recovery, healing, and whatever lies ahead for your marriage.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a profound shock as well as a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It hits hard, it hits deep, and it takes a long time just to recover, let alone heal.

Focus on you, your recovery and healing. If you can't sleep, try a mild OTC sleep aid. If that doesn't help, consult your PCP (primary care physician) and be honest with him or her about what you're going through.

Stay hydrated (drink lots of water). Avoid alcohol and drugs (they only prolong the misery).

Try to eat healthy foods.

Get some exercise, the endorphins and hormones really help!

Hold on to your hat, brother, the shit storm is only beginning for you. It's going to test your strength and your character. And while I know it seems difficult to believe now, you will get through this.

My wife said that she was feeling ignored and that this guy was showing her interest, she said that she was flattered as she’s in her 50’s and he was half her age. She told me she didn’t find him very attractive but he was nice to her, she says that she doesn’t even really known why it happened and that it won’t again.

If there's any chance at all for reconciliation, she's going to have to try a lot harder to figure out why she'd blow-up her life and the lives of those around her.

Don't ever blame yourself or accept responsibility for her choices and actions. There is no justification for infidelity.

She’s told me that it’s finished between them and that he’s agreed to call it a day. It’ all seems to quick and easy.

Matt, she has a choice to make. So do you. If sharing your wife with another man is simply out of the question, then let her know it, in no uncertain terms. "I will not be married to a cheater," is what I told my WW after discovery. It wasn't a threat or an ultimatum; it was simply a fact.

Keep reading and posting here, Matt. You're going to get all kinds of advice, guidance and perspectives from people who have "been there and done that." It might be a little overwhelming at first. I'm sorry you've had to find us here, but I know you've come to the right place.

Hi MattW, so sorry about your situation. I was just shocked reading your post.

To make matters worse only last year this guy who’s only just older then my daughter, asked my daughter out, she declined and now he’s moved to my wife.

Wow. Just like a predator on prowl(not trying to minimise your WW's actions.)

if she’s carrying his child I just don’t know what I’ll do.

Why do you have to deal with her pregnancy? It’s none of your concern. She should have thought of that before getting on with OM. Get yourself STD tested and talk to a lawyer (which you should have done the time you caught them) like yesterday.

You should have stood your ground of No Contact between them the first time. She went again because there was no consequence of her actions from your side. You just accepted them.

Now as she actively made a choice to sleep with him multiple times, you also have a choice to get rid of this cheater from your life. The moment she went behind your back the marriage was over. Now she doesn’t get a say to reconcile if you don’t want to. The marriage once you had is gone. There is no trust, no respect, no love.

Ultimately, the question is What do you want?

We argued and she walked out I told her that if she went to him not to return.

This is great! Give her consequences as a result of her actions and behaviors. But why did you let her come back after she had done this? You gave her words, but did not back it up with actions. She knows that you are a push over.

At the very least kick her out of your bedroom. She can sleep in the spare room, couch, basement, garage or out in the back yard. The martial bed is for spouses that do not cheat.

Go and get STD/STI full panel check with your Doctor. Don't be embarrassed, your Doctor has probably seen this hundreds if not thousands of times, you are not the first husband who has been cheated on. Your WW young lover may have given her a STD/STI along with the pregnancy scare. Ask your Doc about a anxiety and sleep aid to help you short term. They may even give you a referral to a good IC therapist.

I asked if they had sex she said no, after a while she told me that they had slept together but because he didn’t climax it didn’t count.

First it was "just a kiss", now this?? This is called minimizing and gas lighting on this site.

IT IS A FULL ON PHYSICAL AFFAIR!!!

Make an appointment and consult with a good lawyer. Find out what divorce looks like in your particular situation. Each situation is different, don't rely on what your neighbor tells you about his cousin, and what he went through last year. I would file and have this cheater served with divorce papers. Then tell her she has until the divorce is final to win you back, divorce usually takes a long time and can be stopped at any time. This just might shock her back to reality.

Get yourself to the gym and start working out. It will help you with anxiety and any anger, not to mention it is just healthy. Stay away from the booze and recreational drugs. Eat healthy (no fast food), get protein shakes if you have too.

Your WW has to quit her job or the AP does. This is not optional, as long as they are in any form of contact the affair continues, this is necessary if you want to reconcile. If divorce is the way for you to go, who gives a crap where she/he work.

Your WW is dating POSOM right in front of you, now she doesn't even have sex with you, this is typical, she doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend. At this point and while she's in an ACTIVE A you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to work with, so file for D and EXPOSE her with ALL family and close friends without warning, D can be stopped at any time if she comes around, however if D papers and full exposure don't shock her back to reality, then nothing will, if so, just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

Don't forget to get tested for STDs, yes she's been playing russian roulette with your health and your kid's (Covid19).

This to me is the most disturbing thing about your situation:

she told me that she wasn’t sure what to do as she barely knew this guy and had no guarantees it would work out my, she then said she needed more time to get to know him.

Yes, she's having an affair with this creep, and that's bad. But its the mindset that allowed her say the above to you that is the crux of the matter. It doesn't matter who he is, or how many times they had sex or what they did. She'll do it again and again because she doesn't value her marriage or you.

The fact that she thinks you should just continue to provide a safe haven for her while she test drives your replacement is the biggest reason you should show her the door. No one should be treated like this.

Mattw, I’m not trying to be mean, but my nan, shut this down immediately. You told her if she went to his house after your argument it was over and what did she do. Not only did she go, but she fucked him. If you have any guts as a man, pack her shit for her and tell her to get her ass out now. As for as the 25 year old punk, you need to deal with him in apparently the only way he understands. Tried to fuck tour daughter and now has ducked your wife. Unless you are a cuckold, stand up and send her down the road. Absolutely no contact with her. Cold gray rock. Personally,I would have papers filed yesterday. The disrespect is unbelievable. Good luck with this shot show of a journey.

Actually it can get worse. If you continue to put up with her BS, you are essentially sharing her with another. Living as an unwilling cuckold is bad enough, but raising another mans child certainly can be the capper.

Your best bet right now is to let her know that the only solution is that you break up. She will get it or not. But either way you start to heal.

Sometimes you need to draw a line in the sand. You did that once and she walked right past it and you let her back in.

Do not do that again. Do not be passive here. Find your rage and start acting in your own interests.

Why don't you help her with this?

she told me that she wasn’t sure what to do as she barely knew this guy and had no guarantees it would work out my, she then said she needed more time to get to know him.

Tell her she can go and stay with him, that way she can really "get to know him" , and you can go ahead and start divorce proceedings.

I am willing to make a large bet that within a short time, either one of these 2 idiots will come to realize that a relationship with someone half your age (or double your age) is probably not going to work in the long run. I mean really, what do they have in common?? The shine of the affair will wear off quickly when they have to spend all their time together. But wait, he can introduce her to his young friends, and she can introduce him to her friends.... that should be fun!

There is literally only one way forward and that is to file for divorce. The reconciliation or staying divorced comes waaaaay later but literally, this is the only way forward for now from my POV. The lies gets more and more blatant and the plain disregard for your feelings and how deep the fog is.

The IC and MC just does not fit into this stage at all. The way she pines and her not doing ANYTHING to change the dynamics now, of course unless the IC is insanely effective.

I think file first and drop later if you still want to reconcile after a period of time. No time to waste.

The best path for you is to put the pain and the love for your WW in “a box”, and stand your ground on what is acceptable and what is not.

Your WW does not get to think about whether she could keep her BF or her Husband. This is not acceptable.

A spouse does not get to go sleep with his/her AP, thinking... which one should I pick?

You were right to tell her that going to her BF meant D. Now follow through. Sleep in a separate room, keep your interactions to a minimum (it’s called the 180) and call your lawyer.

Once the D process starts, if your WW becomes a candidate for R, then you can consider if maybe, perhaps, R, and only under certain non-negotiable conditions

By the way:

It’s not a mistake, she made those choices and need to take responsibility for those choice

It’s almost never “we kissed once”

It’s almost never “we had sex once”

They almost always say “I didn’t enjoy it or he had ED”.

Stand your ground and don’t accept to be abused by your WW.

Post often, you found the right place for advice.

It can get worse - take it from me - I've been there with the co-worker affair. My WH could not quit/leave right away (long story - his job is specialized and has been in a hiring freeze and his "area" is severely understaffed so requests to transfer have been continually denied/or on endless hold by the agency, and he has a daughter with medical issues that are expensive - up and leaving isn't just about me/us). It kept happening over and over and over again. It would start/stop etc.

I'm guessing that your WW is not in the same type of job as my WH - your WW has other options. Either she leaves the job or she leaves you - that is the line I would draw in the sand. It is possible for it to end w/out them stopping working together, but why deal with that if you don't have to. If she won't - you have your answer.

She needs an ultimatum- the full, unvarnished truth (with no guarantees of the marriage continuing but an effort to try), or more lies and divorce is a 100% certainty. And make it stick. Let the kids know as well.

I'm very sorry you are in this situation I know it feels horrific and unreal. But it's happening, so you need to act .

I'm sorry this is happening to you, but glad you are here, because you're going to get excellent advice.

Please take this advice and implement it. We see far too many BH's who simply will not act. You must act to get out of infidelity, and then you can decide what you're dealing with, assess the situation and make an informed decision about whether to reconcile or divorce.

But you must act.

So here's what action looks like - some call it "shock and awe", but it is standard operating procedure for blowing up adultery and stopping it cold. You've already gotten some of this advice. If you ignore this, push it aside as too extreme or tell yourself your situation is unique you will get less than optimal results and may well land in painful limbo with her:

1. Accept that not only is your WW lying, she's lying about everything. Lies of omission and commission both. The affair has been more intense and widespread, and you've already caught her in lies. The sex has very likely been more than you know.

2. Accept that this is your wife, not a space alien or demon who possessed your wife. This is actually WHO YOUR WIFE IS. People are able to constrain their powerfully toxic neuroses for a time, but eventually the mask slips. This is who you married. It's a part of her.

3. Expose the affair immediately to her immediate family - her parents, siblings, etc. This is absolutely necessary. This will give her no redoubt to retreat to. Eventually her family will circle the wagons around her, but the initial shock will put her off center. Exposing the affair in this way also ensures you start off with truth and accountability at the center.

4. See an attorney as soon as possible to outline for you what divorce looks like, what the law looks like and what filing looks like. Consider very strongly the possibility of filing for divorce immediately (this does not mean you actually have to divorce!).

5. Implement immediately a hard 180 on your wife. Look in the library section of the SI sidebar to learn more about this. Soft 180 is harder to implement. In my opinion, the Hard 180 is easier and less complex especially for a recently betrayed spouse in shock.

6. Stop any version of the pick-me dance. Stop begging, pleading, crying, allowing her to initiate affection. You did well to tell her not to come back if she went to him; now you must mean it. Do not respond to her tears. Later, much later, her tears may be tears of true remorse. For now, they are merely tears for herself.

7. Demand she go NO CONTACT with her affair partner. She must write a letter spelling out no contact. Any breach of no contact should end in immediate filing of divorce.

8. She must immediately read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald and immediately begin implementing the steps outlined therein - any balking or avoidance by your WW is a huge red flag (my WW balked and this should have been a red flag for me, but I didn't know any better; now you do).

9. She must turn over all electronic devices for recovery software, such a smart phone and turn over passwords for her phone account, social media, any form of communication.

10. Run recovery software on her phone. I believe the consensus is that Dr. Fone is the best right now, but others may have more recent information.

11. Go to BestBuy (or the UK equivalent) today or tomorrow and purchase at least two-three VARs. The latest Sony model in the $50-60 price range is what you want. Buy some cheap headphones, clip them off and plug them into the VARs. Get some industrial grade velcro and attach them in her car, somewhere in the house where she puts on makeup in the morning. The 3rd VAR is for you to carry in your pocket at all times.

12. She must plant her butt in a chair over the weekend and begin writing out for you a detailed WRITTEN narrative timeline of the affair without omitting anything important to the truth. You don't need to know every whispered word or every stupid emoji they shared. But you need to know "The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth." This should be DETAILED. Many pages in length. A perfunctory response from her is a crimson red flag.

13. Find a qualified polygraph examiner in your area and schedule it for two weeks from now. She should have one week to complete the timeline, one week for you to read and ask additional questions, and then she takes a polygraph to verify the authenticity of the written timeline. The polygraph is not a panacea; it's instead a prerequisite for getting the truth and testing her truthfulness. If she balks, refuses, etc. file for divorce. Drive her to the polygraph and give her an opportunity to come clean with anything she hasn't told you. Once she gives you a parking lot confession, continue with the polygraph anyway.

14. Before COB today, she should have at least scheduled an appointment to get a full STD/STI panel to ensure she has not been exposed. You will need to do the same. If she balks or delays on this, file for divorce.

15. She must resign her position and find a new job. Caveat here: if you are leaning toward divorce, your attorney can best advise you here. You don't want her unemployed and owing her substantial alimony. But if there's to be ANY reconciliation, she will need to find a new job.

16. Find a good betrayal trauma specialist in your area and sign up for IC for yourself as soon as possible. If the specialist works with a partner (they often do) ask if your wife can enroll immediately with that partner for her own IC. This particular speciality is best equipped for holding your wife's feet to the fire. Other counselors aren't. DO NOT acquiesce to any kind of marital or couples counseling. I cannot emphasize this enough. Marital counseling is USELESS in an infidelity situation; much later perhaps. But not for the foreseeable future.

17. You should reject any attempts by her to offload responsibility for the affair onto you. This is called blameshifting. Her shitty choices and transgressive behavior are on HER. 100 percent. She's given you a version of the "unmet needs" speech. It is horseshit and here's why: you also have needs and I bet they weren't always met either. Now especially you have some very clear needs for honesty, faithfulness and so on. She violated all of these needs and has not even met this bare minimum of your needs. You're going to ask yourself soon why you should be staying with someone who can't even scrape together enough remorse or empathy to meet your basic needs.

18. Other standard "bag of tricks" gambits and mind games cheaters use you should reject: trickle truth (the whole truth comes out in drips and drabs which will ensure you hate her eventually), gaslighting (you've already experienced this), rationalizing the affair, minimizations (she didn't enjoy the sex or didn't orgasm or he didn't or it was only one time or it didn't mean anything, etc), rewriting the history of your marriage. These are all lies. You might tell her upfront if she does anything of these things to you again, it will result in immediate divorce.

19. Accept that sex with her is not going to be the same now. She gave her body away and you will feel some level of revulsion for her. Now I also mean this in a complicated way. Let me explain: You may find yourself falling into hysterical bonding with her and it may feel great for a good long while. You will both desire her and be repelled by her. Even when HB is going on, you're going to have mind movies about her affair and that's a real boner killer. Eventually even the intense pleasure of hysterical bonding will wear off over time. Then you'll struggle with feelings of emasculation and shame and self worth. You'll need to wrap your head around these feelings: They aren't true, but you will feel them all the same. You deserve to have intimate physical relations with a woman who hasn't intentionally sullied herself and betrayed you, and you deserve sex that is good, honest, pure and highly pleasurable. You deserve this as a man and as a human. And you can get it with another woman if you've divorced. Just sayin'

She made her choice. Pack her shit for her and tell her to go stay with her new boyfriend. You deserve so much better! Don't waste your time on this woman, she is a liar and a cheater, she ran off to nail him essentially right in your face. She is showing you that she has no respect for you!

You should have one final conversation to tell her that she chose D when she left that night for sex with her boyfriend. You are going to file and want her out of the house. Get angry, stand up for yourself and take back your self-respect.

She made her choice. Pack her shit for her and tell her to go stay with her new boyfriend. You deserve so much better! Don't waste your time on this woman, she is a liar and a cheater, she ran off to nail him essentially right in your face. She is showing you that she has no respect for you!

You should have one final conversation to tell her that she chose D when she left that night for sex with her boyfriend. You are going to file and want her out of the house. Get angry, stand up for yourself and take back your self-respect.

You can skip my long to-do list (which is mostly designed to see if you might want to reconcile) and do what tigersrule is suggesting: send her directly to divorce jail past GO without collecting $200.

It's good advice, so consider what he's saying carefully. Divorce and reconciliation are both equally sound choices for different reasons. It can be hard to figure it out when you're in shock, which is why I recommended the to-do list to help kick you in the pants a little.

But going the direct route and divorcing quickly is a rip the band-aid off approach many of us wish we had taken much sooner.

Think about it.